Finding Ever After (24 page)

           
“Wait, you think I’m mad at you?”
He’s not?
“Why would I be mad at
you
?”

           
“You’re not? But you‘re mixed up in this whole mess because of me.”

           
“So what?”

           
“So? So now you know my father is a dangerous criminal, and Connor is a
sociopath who won’t hesitate to hurt anyone who gets in the way of what he
wants. I let you get involved in my life and convinced you to be my friend
without telling you just how screwed up I really am.” He just looked at me like
I was crazy, and I was beginning to agree with him.

           
“If you think you convinced me to be your friend you really don’t know much.”
What did he mean? “To answer your question, no Princess, I’m not mad at you.
I’m not even sure if mad is a good enough word for how I’m feeling, but it’s
not at you.” I just looked at him, confused. Nothing he was saying or doing was
what I expected.

           
“You keep looking at me like your waiting for me to bolt Princess. What do I
have to say to make you believe me? Do you need to hear how I want to track
that son of a bitch down right now and kill him and not even that would be good
enough, because I don’t just want to kill him, I want to torture him? What
about if I tell you that I want your father to pay more than any other person
on this fucking planet for ever letting him near you and making you doubt that
you would be worth saving? Or that I wish like hell I could bring your mom back
so that you never had to experience any of that, so that you wouldn’t feel like
you’re some broken trinket that can’t be fixed?
If I told you
all that, then would you believe me?
Or are you still so convinced that
I‘m a piece of shit who couldn’t possibly care so much about anyone but
myself?” He didn’t even give me a chance to respond.

           
“Maybe I should just fucking prove you right.”
He
stormed off before I could say anything. I watched his long, angry strides as
he made his way toward the house and I watched him yank the door open and then
slam it behind him.

           
Even if he wasn’t mad at me before, he certainly was now. I wasn’t going to
follow after him, I couldn’t do that. He obviously wanted some space, and now I
would give anything to be back in my house with him chasing me around the
living room, or crammed in that tiny play tent, or even up in the bed that we
were sharing. I wouldn’t tell him to stay on his own side, not this time. Now
that he was the one pushing me away, I just wanted to hang on tighter. I
laid
down on my side, with my legs curled and my knees
tucked up into my chest, and just let the swing rock me.

           
God, I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you help out with, but I’m so
confused right now. Everything is a mess and I don’t know what I want. It all
just hurts so much. I don’t know what to do to make any of it better. I’m so
sorry for how selfish I’ve been but I really need you right now.

           
I fell asleep there on the swing,
with my heart aching in my chest and silent prayers still running through my
head.

           
The feel of someone’s hand gently shaking my shoulder woke me. For a second I
hoped that it was Kyden coming back, but that hope was dashed a second later
when I heard Bas’ voice. “Wake up sleepy.”

           
I opened my eyes and he was leaning over me. I blinked a couple times and wiped
at my eyes to clear away the gunk left from all the tears. Bas lifted my head
so he could slide into the seat, and then set it back down on his lap.

           
“How long have I been out here?”

           
“It’s almost three, so about two hours. Everyone is getting ready to head in to
Hyannis. A few of us are
gonna
hit up the golf club
and I think the rest of them are going to the mall. You want to come with?” I
was sure it was an attempt to cheer me up and take my mind off of everything,
but I really wasn’t in the mood for golfing or shopping or being around people
in general.”

           
“Nah.
I think I’ll just
going
hang around here.”

           
“I
kinda
thought you might say that.” He sighed and I
knew he would offer to stay with me, but I really just wanted to be alone. I’d
had someone with me every moment since that first Saturday I was back and now
more than anything I really needed time to myself. I knew I was safe here and
he had no reason to object.

           
“You’re
go
. All of you need to go and have fun. Nobody
else’s day needs to be ruined because of me.”

           
“You’re not ruining anybody’s day Jazz.” He tried to argue, but I wasn’t having
it. “I don’t mind staying and hanging out with you.”

           
“Well I do mind. I’m actually a little sick of your face.” I tried to keep a
serious face as I ribbed him but he just laughed.

           
“Yeah, whatever.
You could never be sick of me.”

           
“Maybe, but you’re still going golfing. I will be fine here.”

           
“Promise me you won’t sit here and be sad all day and when you’re ready to talk
about how things went with Kyden you’ll tell me?”

           
“I promise. I’m not sad. I just . . . it’s been a rough day and I’m still
processing, but I will talk to you when you get back and I’ll be okay while
you’re gone. I’ll read. I might swim some laps or walk around the property and
pig out fruit and cookies.”

           
That’s exactly what I did too. I
laid
out by the pool
and read, but for the first time I wasn’t able to get lost in Victorian
England. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett didn’t provide the escape I was
looking for and make everything feel okay. My mind was stuck on the image of an
angry Kyden lashing out and walking away from me. After rereading the same
paragraph for the fourth time because I couldn’t concentrate, I finally gave
up.

           
I decided if I couldn’t distract myself with a good book, exercise would be the
next best thing. I swam laps until I was so physically exhausted that when I
climbed out of the pool my mind wasn’t thinking about anything except a snack
and a nap. I didn’t have the energy to make an actual meal so I just grabbed
some strawberries and a granola bar and found a comfy spot to lie down in the
sun.

           
When I woke up out on the deck lounger where I had crashed, the sun was sinking
low in the sky. The breeze had picked up and I was chilly now that the sun
wasn’t beating down on me. I must have slept longer than I planned. My phone
said it was almost seven and my stomach said it was dinner time. I wondered why
nobody had
woken
me up.

           
As soon as I walked into the quiet house and saw that all of the lights were
still out I realized why nobody bothered to wake me up. They weren’t back yet.
The house was empty. I was just pulling out my phone to call Bas when it rang
and his picture popped up.

           
“Hey. You guys still in Hyannis?”

           
“Yeah, we all just met up and everyone wants to go out to eat here but we felt
bad leaving you back at the house by yourself. Has Kyden come back?”
Why
would he have come back without them?

           
“No. Isn’t he with you guys?”

           
“No, he didn’t come with us. He took off again after you guys talked and we
haven’t heard from him since. I just thought he would’ve gone back to the house
by now.” From his tone and the exasperation I could hear, it was obvious that
he was frustrated and there was also an underlying concern in his voice but I
didn’t have a chance to ask anything else before he changed the subject. “Do
you want me to come back and get you so you can go to dinner with us?”

           
“No, you guys just go eat and I’ll see you when you get back.” I insisted. It
would be ridiculous for him to make the half hour drive back here to pick me up
just to go to dinner with them. I was also holding out hope that Kyden would
come back before they did and I wanted to be here if that was the case. I
wasn’t sure what I would say to him, but I needed to see where we stood. I
don’t know why it meant so much to me what he thought, but it did. Okay that’s
a lie. I knew why. I just didn’t want to admit it.

           
It didn’t matter though because he didn’t come back. I was nervous and anxious
all night, waiting for him. I tried to find things to do to keep busy and
occupy my mind, but for the most part my efforts were futile. After I cooked
myself some quick pasta for dinner, I baked eight loaves of banana bread to go
with breakfast. Baking is usually a good stress reliever for me, but I found
that the harder I tried not to think about him, the more I did.

           
I called Sadie since I hadn’t talked to her much over the last week except for
a few text messages here and there. Really it didn’t help with taking my mind
off Kyden either. She was almost just as intuitive as Bas was when it came to
my moods. She picked up on it about two minutes into our conversation and had
me spilling everything. She was angry and concerned when I told her about my
tires being slashed, but really I spent most of the time venting about Kyden,
hoping she would have the words to talk me off the crazy ledge. She didn’t, but
it was enough that she listened, and it was nice to talk to someone outside of
it all.

           
At ten the rest of the group came back, but Kyden still hadn’t showed up. I
walked in on Ace, Chris, Bas and Spade discussing where they thought he might
be. Chris and Ace had tried calling and texting him but their calls were
ignored, but they had some ideas about what he might be up to. When they saw
me, the conversation halted abruptly, but it didn’t matter I had already heard
enough. It seemed that Kyden’s MO in difficult situations was to get a little
drunk and have a lot of sex and they all thought this was one of those
situations. I felt like I was going to be sick. My face must have showed as
much because Bas was immediately in front of me, grabbing my arm and leading me
out of the kitchen.

           
“You heard all that?”

           
“I heard enough.” I answered. I wished I could
un-
hear
it, but it wasn’t like those same thoughts hadn’t already crossed my mind. I
just wanted to be wrong, but hearing the guys voice their theories as well,
made it more difficult to deny that Kyden was probably with some other girl
right now.

           
“I’m sorry. It’s possible he’s just riding around on his bike to blow off
steam.”

           
“But that’s not how he usually blows off steam?” He shook his head and I took a
deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair before letting it out.
“Doesn’t matter anyway.
He can do whatever he wants. I
don’t’ care.”
Liar

           
“Yeah you do.” Bas sighed. “Remember this is me you’re talking to. I know you,
and I know you’re hurting more than you let on. How much did you tell him?”

           
“Everything.”

           
“I figured as much. He was pretty bent when he came back in the house
afterward. Look, I can relate to how he’s probably feeling. It still tears me
up inside every damn day Jazz and he’s not used to caring so much about
someone, at least not a girl. We don’t know where he actually is or what he’s
doing. Just wait until he gets back and talk to him.”

           
“Maybe I don’t want to talk to him.” More lies. Bas was right. I was hurt and I
needed to protect myself. “Like I said in the beginning, he’s the last thing I
want. He’s not good for me. I only just met him two weeks ago and already he’s
turning me inside out. I don’t even know who he is. There are so many sides to
him and most of them scare me. I’ve dealt with enough temperamental jerks to
last me forever. I don’t need any more bad boys screwing with my life.” That,
at least, was the truth.

           
“There’s a difference between bad boys and bad guys Jax.”
Vi’s
voice chimed in. She was standing just a few feet from us in the doorway. I
don’t how long she’d been there, but obviously long enough to overhear the last
part.

           
“
Connor,
is a bad guy. Your dad is a bad guy. Bad guys
are selfish and all they do is take and take until you’re left empty. But a bad
boy challenges you and gets you to live daringly and take risks. He pushes you
beyond what’s comfortable and safe into something exciting and new. It will
force you to truly embrace life instead of settling for complacency.”

           
There it was, that word, settling; the thing I promised my mother I wouldn’t
do. Was I doing it now? I didn’t think I was settling. I just wasn’t putting my
heart out there for
Ky
to
smash into pieces.

           
“We’re too different. Our worlds don’t even exist in the same universe. Despite
everything, I’m still the little girl hoping for forever, and he’s not the
forever type. I’m already damaged enough, like a cracked vase and he’s the type
that would completely shatter me. I believe in loving one person your whole
life and he lives his life carefree and loose, sleeping with as many people as
he can. He’s all about music and sex and-”

           
“And you.” She finished for me, but that definitely hadn’t been what I was
going to say. “Lately he is also all about you, but you’re the only one who
doesn’t see it. I don’t care how much he thinks he doesn’t want a relationship,
or that he says he can’t give you anything beyond a casual hookup. Whether
either of you realize it or not, he’s already given you more
that
that. I’m not saying you have to compromise your
beliefs, but just maybe open yourself up to something more. Maybe you can hold
on to your morals and self-respect and still have him. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll
change along the way too. You might be what each other need.”
   

           
That sounded nice and straight out of one of my romance novels, but this wasn’t
a book. This wasn’t some story that was guaranteed to work out. It was my life,
and sometimes in real life the bad boys don’t change; they turn into the bad
guys. Someone only changes if they want to and Kyden didn’t appear to want to.
I wasn’t going to delude myself into I was special.

           
“What I need is to go to bed.” I was done with this conversation. I didn’t want
to hear any more about how good Kyden and I could be for each other, because it
just wasn’t true and it wouldn’t do me any good to let myself believe it. I
left the two of them standing in the kitchen, with their arguments, that I
didn’t care to listen to. I said goodnight to Ace and the rest of the guys on the
way up to mine and Kyden’s room, except it was probably just my room now. I
didn’t think I had to worry about sharing anymore, or maybe he would expect me
to change rooms.
Oh God, what if he brings a girl back here tonight?

           
I don’t think I would be able to bear that. What if they were loud and I could
hear them, or worse what if he brought her up to the bed because he didn’t
expect me to be in it. What would I do if I went down in the morning and some
slut was on the couch wrapped around him? I had to stop myself right there.
You
don’t even know that he’s with a girl, and he probably wouldn’t bring anyone
back here.

           
Unfortunately the images and thoughts still ran wild through my brain. Having
taken such a long nap I wasn’t truly tired, but emotionally I was beyond
exhausted. I slipped the
Kiera
Knightley
version of Pride and Prejudice into the DVD player and curled up in the bed.
Even though I couldn’t get through the book, it was still my feel good story.

           
Sometimes, well usually only after having read or watched anything Jane Austen,
I wished that I lived in that time period. Then I would think about hygiene and
women’s rights and change my mind. But the idea of wearing beautiful gowns,
going to fancy balls, letters written long hand and being courted by a
gentleman was just fairy tale enough to make my inner little girl want to do
cartwheels right into a time machine. Realistically if I tried to do cartwheels
I would end up face planting the ground.