Finding Hope (Love's Compass Book 2) (11 page)

When her day off finally arrived, she slept all day and it wasn’t until early Saturday that she woke up feeling better.

It was almost ten in the morning when there was a knock at the door. Lexi frowned at the gym shorts and oversized t-shirt she was wearing. Taking a glance through the peephole in the door, she saw Serenity standing outside. She snatched a handkerchief off the counter and swept her rapidly thinning hair back and secured it over her head before opening the door.

Serenity hesitated. “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“Not at all.” Lexi stood to the side and ushered her younger sister in. “Where’s Gideon?”

“He’s with Mom and Grams. They’re watching a movie this morning.”

“That sounds like fun. How’s everything been going for you guys?” Lexi sat down and Serenity joined her.

“It’s fine.” Serenity’s long hair flowed down and touched the seat of the couch. “His therapists have been happy with his progress. I think we may get a new speech therapist, though. That should be a lot of fun.”

There was no missing the sarcasm in Serenity’s voice. Lexi knew that consistency was better for Gideon. Change, especially with regards to something as important as a therapist, wasn’t easy on him.

“I’m sorry. I’ll be praying that, if he does, the transition will go smoothly.”

“Thanks.” Serenity shifted her position. “How was your first week back at work?”

“It nearly killed me.” Lexi rubbed her eyes and knew there were dark circles beneath them. “I’m kidding. Mostly. I’m sure next week will be easier.”

“I’m sure it will. How are you feeling?”

“I feel tired a lot, but otherwise I’m fine. It took longer than I wanted it to for the incisions to heal.”

Serenity nodded. “I imagine.” Her eyes went to the kerchief on her head. “And the new fashion statement?”

Lexi knew that the question was coming. She knew she would have to share with family about her hair falling out. She hadn’t expected to tell Serenity first. But her little sister was trying to make an effort — which was more than she had done in years. Lexi took a deep breath and removed the kerchief.

Serenity took in the thinning hair and few bald patches. The sympathy in her eyes was almost too much for Lexi. It was rapidly replaced with humor and Lexi didn’t know if she should expect to laugh or kick her sister out of the apartment. “What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m picturing you in wild looking wigs right now.” A giggle escaped.

Lexi tried to glare at her but failed and the two erupted in a laughter that did a lot of good for her spirit.

Lexi wiped a tear from her eye as she tried to get her giggles under control. “I don’t think I’m going to mess with wigs. I’m kind of getting used to the handkerchiefs. Besides, I needed to tell my coworkers sooner than later anyway.”

“I think the handkerchiefs are just fine.” Serenity reached over and fingered a section of her sister’s locks. “I’ve always loved your hair.”

The comment shocked Lexi. “Really? I’ve always loved yours.”

The sisters laughed again.

Lexi shrugged. “I’ve heard women can experience hair changes when it grows back after chemo. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a curly blonde a year from now.”

They giggled until both were leaning against the futon in exhaustion.

When Serenity spoke, her face was serious. “Here’s the thing, Lexi. I hate I haven’t been there for you lately. I’m sorry I haven’t offered to take you to a chemo session.”

Lexi shook her head. “Don’t think another thing about it. I’ve got help and I’m okay. Gideon is your priority and that’s how it should be. No need to stress him out any more than necessary — or yourself.”

“I’m sorry for the last five years, too.”

The words wrapped themselves around Lexi’s heart. Tears sprang to her eyes and she desperately tried to keep them at bay. Only now did she register how much pain she had experienced when her only sister had been angry with her. “Thanks, Serenity. I’ve missed you, do you know that?”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

Lexi wanted to hug her sister but wasn’t sure if Serenity was open to it. She knew little about her sister as a grown woman and a mother. She couldn’t recall the last time they had sat around and chatted like this. She hoped this would be the first of many opportunities to reconnect with her.

Serenity cleared her throat. “You know, you should keep a section of your hair in a baggy. That way, when it grows back, you can compare it and see if it did change shades.”

“That’s a good idea.” Lexi moved to put the handkerchief back on her head but Serenity stopped her.

“I still love your hair.”

Lexi reached for her sister then, giving her a hug that was long overdue.

~

Lexi strode into the cafeteria, her mind on one thing. Food.

It was because of this single-minded focus she didn’t notice Finnegan until he stepped into her path. Her foot collided with his shoe and she sighed. When he didn’t keep walking, she bit back a comment.

“You’ve been like a woman on a mission the last couple of days. It’s been hard to catch you.”

“I’m trying to get back into the swing of things at work.”

“I saw the schedule and you’re off Friday. How about joining me for a movie and dinner?”

The exhaustion of the day coupled with the fact that the man was keeping her from her tacos caused an immediate reaction. “I can’t. I have chemotherapy that day. How does Sunday work for you?”

Finnegan’s mouth opened in surprise. “You have cancer?”

“Yes. Ovarian. I was off for several weeks recovering from a complete hysterectomy and now I’m going through chemo treatments.” She hadn’t talked about any of it at work and now it felt somewhat relieving to blurt it out.

“Wow. I didn’t realize that.”

“Finnegan. It’s okay. I’m fine.” She paused. “How about Sunday?” She already knew what he would say.

“I think I’m tied up that day. I’ll get back to you sometime next week.”

“That’ll work.”

Finnegan said his goodbye and disappeared.

It wasn’t anything more than she had expected. But the fact was, when he’d heard about her illness, he hadn’t wasted any time going elsewhere.

She had no interest in the man whatsoever. His reaction did, however, confirm her suspicions. Most men her age wouldn’t want to be with a woman who couldn’t give him a family. Not even Finnegan, who seemed to have very few things on his list to avoid when it came to dating women.

The realization was like a shot to the heart.

When Lexi turned after speaking with a doctor, her expression made Lance’s stomach tighten and he gritted his teeth. What on earth did the guy say to bring one of the saddest expressions he’d ever seen to her face?

The doctor was lucky he’d headed the other way. Another glimpse at Lexi and he was impressed by how quickly she could compose herself. Her eyes found him and the flash of relief was clear, even across the cafeteria.

Without giving the food a second thought, she headed his way. He stood.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Lexi took a seat and stared at the table. There was a blue surgical cap on her head with frogs all over it. She slumped in her chair, dark circles under her eyes.

“I’ll go grab us lunch. What’s your preference?”

“Three crunchy beef tacos, please.”

“You got it.”

By the time he got back, Lexi was acting more like herself. He set the plate in front of her and she wasted no time tackling the first taco.

He joined her in his meal, observing her complete focus on anything but him.

“I don’t know whether to ask what’s wrong or pretend to ignore that you’re upset.”

His words brought her eyes to his. The pools of dark brown were a storm of emotions. He didn’t know which one to focus on.

Lance sighed. “Do I need to go have a talk with that doctor?”

That got a reaction. She set her napkin down and straightened her spine. “Of course not.”

He gave her one of his most serious stares until she relented.

“Finnegan is always asking me out.” She glanced around her and lowered her voice to just above a whisper. “He asks almost every nurse out. I’m tired of telling him no and may have mentioned that I had cancer and was going through chemo after a complete hysterectomy. I guess that did the trick.”

She went back to eating but Lance didn’t miss the tremor in her voice.

“He’s a jerk who wouldn’t know a first class woman if she punched him in the face.” He paused. “Which I give you credit for not doing.”

Lexi snorted and covered her mouth with a hand as she finished chewing. Once she’d swallowed, she chuckled.

“If I had, it would have been the talk of the ER for weeks. ‘Good ole Chandler, she can save a five-year-old and throw a mean right cross, all in the same morning.’”

“Any man who wouldn’t want to date a woman like that is insane.” He meant every word of that. She was a woman who stood up for herself and he admired that about her. Yep, Finnegan was a complete idiot.

“Thank you.” She observed him. “If I ever take your friendship for granted, give me a swift kick to set me straight again.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “I’ll remember that.”

The music of her laughter kicked Lance’s pulse into high gear and his mouth went dry. He tried to focus on his food, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the amazing woman sitting across from him.

That any man would see her as lacking in any way was unfathomable to him. Her strength and humor gave her what she needed to get through any challenge — and that included this one she faced now.

He prayed that God would help her see how much she had to offer.

~

Friday started off early. Lexi had mentioned wanting to get to Dallas in the morning so she could go by a particular natural food store for a few things. Lance was happy to oblige.

His eyes went to the handkerchief on her head when she got into the passenger side of his Jeep. She must have caught the glance because a hand flew to her head as she tucked the sides into place.

Unable to help himself, he reached for Lexi’s hand and held it in his, moving it away from her head. “You never have to feel uncomfortable around me, Lex. Ever.” The feel of her hand in his had his heart hammering. Despite the intense desire to hold onto her hand for a while longer, Lance squeezed it gently and released it to grasp the steering wheel. He swallowed hard. 

She took in a slow breath and settled into her seat.

Lance wished he could have a clue to what she was thinking.

If he had to guess, he’d bet that Lexi was losing her hair. She’d never been one to wear a hat of any kind. He doubted she had gained a desire to wear a handkerchief now.

“Does your family know?”

“Serenity does. Everyone else will figure it out on Sunday night. I’m going to stay home from church. I don’t want to announce it to the world there.” Her attention was on the landscape outside her window as they headed out of town.

“Serenity knows, huh? Wow, I wouldn’t have guessed that. How’d that go down?”

“She came by the other day to visit. She even apologized for the last five years. It was weird. And relieving.”

“That’s great, Lex! I know that’s been rough for a long time now.”

“It has.” She relaxed into her seat, a serene expression on her face. “I hope it continues like this. I’ve missed her.”

“God sometimes uses situations like yours to build bridges and mend relationships. It sounds like that may be what He’s doing here. I’m happy for you two.”

“I sure hope so. It’s more than I ever expected.” She wrapped a few strands of hair around one finger. “It’s going to upset my mom.”

“Was it a surprise to you?”

“Losing my hair?”

He nodded.

“Yes and no. I expected it to happen, but when I first noticed it, I wasn’t prepared. Seeing big bunches of hair at once was disconcerting. I’m combing through it right before bed and again in the morning to keep it from falling out everywhere.”

“That’s a good idea.” He studied her out of the corner of his eye. He tried to imagine what she would look like without those black tresses framing her face. It was difficult.

“Don’t worry, I won’t shed all over your car.”

When he saw the teasing glint in her eyes, he laughed loudly.

~

Lexi paid for her hand basket full of items. Between the vitamins, tea, and three bottles of essential oils she had read would help with the nausea and vomiting after chemo, it was more than she had expected to buy. If any of it helped, though, it would be worth it.

Lance followed her with two organic oatmeal raisin cookies. When they exited the store, he handed one to her. “We still have a couple of hours before your session begins. What’s the plan?”

She felt her face get warm.

“I…I was thinking I might go by a salon and get the rest of my hair shaved off.” Now the heat in her cheeks spread to her entire head. She imagined it looked like it was on fire as she focused her attention on removing the plastic surrounding her cookie. “I’m ready for it to be gone.”

A hand on her shoulder brought her attention to Lance.

“I don’t blame you. Do you have a place in mind?”

Forty minutes later, Lexi was sitting in a chair at a hair salon as the remaining dark strands fell to the floor. She’d already put some in a plastic bag at home, but it still seemed odd to get up and walk away from the last of her hair.

The stylist, whose name was Annie, was very professional. She said just the right things, got it all shaved off, and even applied an oil to help with any irritation and to make her head smooth.

When Lexi saw her reflection in the mirror, the waves of emotions were overwhelming. Relief at not having to worry about her hair shedding battled with the anxiety of what people might think when they saw her. She experienced awe at how smooth and shiny her head was. She laid a hand on the exposed skin.

“This is great. It feels much better. Thank you.” She smiled at the kind stylist and turned for her bag. “How much do I owe you?”

The other woman shook her head of brown curls. “Don’t you even think about it. Please go with my prayers for a speedy and complete recovery.”

Now Lexi’s tears blurred Annie’s features. “Thank you,” she whispered as she accepted a hug. Offering one last smile of appreciation, she tied the handkerchief over her head.

Lance was outside, sitting on a bench under a tree, reading something on his cellphone. When he spotted her, he jumped up, his face a mixture of curiosity and concern. “How’d it go?”

“It’s all gone. It was so thin, it didn’t take her long, although it seemed like a lot there on the floor.”

“And how do you feel?”

“Relieved.” When her hair had first fallen out, shaving it all would have made her sad. But now, not having to worry about hair tumbling onto patients or waking up with a pillow full of it was liberating. Funny how perspective changed things. “I feel good.”

His eyes traveled to her handkerchief. “I’m glad. Do you want to get something to eat?”

Lexi’s stomach rolled at the thought of food now that she was close to her session. “No, thank you. The cookie was enough.”

“Okay. Should we head over to the cancer center, then?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She had to get through this session and then she’d only have one more to go. She would make it. And she had to admit that it was comforting to have Lance there with her.

When had she become this dependent on him?

Once her sessions were over, she’d be around him a whole lot less. She didn’t like the idea of only seeing him on Sundays at church.

A touch to her elbow claimed her attention. Warmth spread up her arm, her breath catching. She had to stop reacting like that when he touched her.

“Why don’t we sit down for a few minutes? We have time.”

She nodded her agreement. They took a seat on the bench nearby. “Thanks.”

“I don’t remember your dad losing his hair when he was dealing with cancer.”

“No. Things happened too quickly. He received a diagnosis and had surgery forty-eight hours later. The surgeon removed what he could, but the cancer had already spread to multiple organs. The recovery from the surgery was a nightmare.” Lexi’s mind flashed to the dozens of times she’d helped change the dressing on his wounds. They’d been left open to drain. She was trained to do that kind of wound care. It was entirely different, though, when it’s your own dad who’s groaning in pain. “He went through one radiation and chemotherapy treatment and died a week later.”

“I remember being shocked how quickly everything happened. I’m sorry.”

“It was hard. The end was horrible and none of us got to say goodbye. There’s a lot I wanted to tell him and didn’t. But then, I’m not sure another week or a month would have been enough time, either.”

“I can’t imagine watching someone you love go through that.”

She froze as Lance’s arm went around her shoulders, his thumb stroking her arm.

They sat like that for a time, listening to the birds chirp in a nearby tree and watching vehicles come and go in the parking lot.

Lexi cleared her throat. “You know, the night after my surgery, I had a dream I’d died like my dad did.” His arm tightened around her. “I know it was a combination of the medication and pain that brought it on. I’d forgotten all about it until now.”

“You’re not going to die, Lex. Not from this.”

“I know. Usually I feel confident that it’s not my time. Every once in a while, when I’m feeling especially tired, my mind gets carried away. But how can you be that sure?” She turned her body so she could see his face.

The hand on her arm reached up to brush her cheek. “Because you’re too stubborn. Plus, I bet your dad’s up there right now watching over you and helping you fight this.”

His words brought tears to her eyes. She let herself relax, laying her head against his shoulder. Eyes closed, she drew on his strength. He brushed a kiss across the top of her head before leaning his cheek against it.

She sniffed. “You know, I talk to you about things I can’t tell anyone else.”

“It’s all these long car rides we’ve been going on together. We were going to bond or try to kill each other.”

She laughed then, sitting up and swiping away a stray tear. He withdrew his arm, a smile on his face that warmed her heart. “You’re an amazing friend, Lance. I’m blessed to have you in my life.”

~

Lance felt his heart fill to overflowing. “I feel the same way about you, Alexis Chandler. And before things get any mushier, we’d better go. We wouldn’t want to be late for your poison fix.”

Her giggles were like music as she stood. “You make it sound so inviting.”

As they walked back to his Jeep, he offered her his arm and was pleased when she rested her hand in the crook of his elbow.

At the cancer center, Lance watched as the nurse took a blood sample. She hooked Lexi up to an IV and got the medication flowing. Once that was going, she brought her a cup of water and a blanket in case she got cold.

Twenty minutes later, she’d relaxed with her head leaned back against the chair. A long, quiet sigh combined with her gaze flitting between the clock and the window told him she was restless.

“You look like you’re about to jump out of that chair and make a run for it.”