Finding London (Flawed Heart #1) (36 page)

Why am I reacting like this?

I want to end this crazy act of betrayal that my body is committing, but I can’t. The attraction is so strong that it is out of my control. But I have to rein it in. It isn’t an option. My seventeen-year-old hormones might be going out on a suicide mission, but I refuse to follow. Nothing is worth making things awkward with Jax. Wearing my crazy attraction on my sleeve would definitely cause weirdness between us, and I’m not about to do that.

I hear the first three notes Elvis’s “Can’t Help Falling in Love,” and I squeal again as Jax pulls me in closer. My mom is a huge Elvis fan, and Jax and I have danced to this song more than a hundred times in our lives. It is one of my favorite songs. I can’t help but love it and the timeless beauty portrayed with every note and lyric. I wrap my arms tighter around Jax’s neck. Our bodies are flush against each other, moving instinctually to the music that holds a special place in our lives.

A warm smile spreads across my face. “I can’t believe they are playing this song.”

“I requested it, and I made it extremely clear to the DJ that my Little had to dance to this song tonight.”

My heart fills with even more love for my sweet friend. “Thank you.” I lean my head against his chest. I close my eyes and hum along to the song.

We are in our own little world on this dance floor, and I’m so happy that I feel like I could float away on a cloud.

Jax and I are still wrapped up in each other, dancing to another song, when Ben comes up behind us.

“Hey, guys, let’s get out of here.”

“So, what should we do?” Kristyn asks as we stand outside the banquet hall.

Having gotten enough dancing in, everyone in our group agreed that we should leave fashionably early. We have the limo until one a.m., so we have three hours to kill before we call it a night.

“We could have him drive us to South Haven?” I suggest.

The white sandy beach of Lake Michigan is Jax’s and my favorite place to go in the summer.

The group murmurs their approval, and we all climb into the limo. Blasting music, we dance around in our seats and chat adamantly until the limo pulls into a parking area alongside the beach.

We all pile out of the limo.

“Wait. Let’s leave our shoes here,” I suggest as I bend to unclip the buckles on my heels. I love the way the soft sand feels between my toes.

“Okay,” Jax agrees. He removes his dress shoes and socks, and then he rolls up the cuffs of his pants.

The air has a bit of a bite. The sun’s absence along with the cool air from the water blowing across the beach sends a shiver down my spine. Jax gives me his jacket, and I hike up the bottom of my dress, holding it in one hand as we walk through the cool sand. The other couples have dispersed, no longer visible to me in the faint glow of the moon reflecting off the rippling water.

“So, this is what prom is like?” I ask, looping my free arm through Jax’s.

“No, this prom is much cooler than the other ones I have gone to.”

“No way. You are just saying that.” I nudge his side.

“No, I’m not. I’m serious. Of course it is better. I’m with you. You make everything more fun.”

“Well, had I gone to prom before…I’m sure this one would be better, too. Is everything okay? Are you feeling all right? You seem quieter tonight.”

“Everything’s fine.”

“You promise?” I ask softly.

I know him better than anyone, and I know he’s not being truthful, but I won’t push him if he doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Yep. I’m good, Lil.” He squeezes my hand that is looped around his bicep.

“Okay.” I remove my arm from his and pull my dress up further, so it rests above my knees. “Race through the water?”

Chuckling, he says, “What do you want to wager?”

“Just bragging rights.” I smile wide.

I call out in rapid succession, “One. Two. Three.” Splashing through the water, I take off, running, giggling, and shrieking from the cold bite of the water.

“Cheater!” he calls out.

I hear his splashes behind me.

I sprint through where the sandy beach meets the shallow water. It is painfully cold, and my feet begin to go numb. “Cold, cold, cold,” I chant.

Jax’s arms snatch me up from behind, pulling me to his chest, and he lifts me out of the water as if he were carrying me across the threshold of a doorway. His chattering teeth still as he whispers huskily in my ear, “That doesn’t count, you little cheat.”

I laugh through my shivering. “Yes, it does. My challenge, my rules.”

“Fine. Even with your obvious shadiness, I caught up to you and very well could have passed you, so I win.” He carries me away from the water before setting me down in the cool sand.

“Okay, I’ll give you that one. You did catch up pretty quickly.”

We stand in the dry sand on the beach. My body trembles as my feet regain feeling from the icy water. He tugs me toward him, wrapping his arms firmly around me while rubbing my back.

I lean my head against his chest. “Brrr. It’s going to be a long time until we can actually swim in there, huh?”

The water in Lake Michigan isn’t bearable for swimming until July.

“Yeah.”

He holds me close against him and gently kisses me on the temple.

It is quiet for a moment until Jax blurts out, “Can I kiss you?”

I whip my head back and study his face. My voice is shaky as I say, “What?”

This is all so weird. I’m not sure what is happening or why, but I know I like it.

My focus goes to Jax’s lips as he speaks, fumbling over his words, “Never mind. I don’t know why I even asked. I was just thinking that—”

Instinct takes over, and my hands move of their own accord, pulling on Jax’s neck until his face is close enough for my lips to cover his. Our lips meet, and that connection sends a rush of emotions through me. It is a new sensation, so powerful and exhilarating, and I want more.

The kiss is slow and tentative at first. I cautiously brush my lips against his, feeling the fullness of his moving in rhythm against mine. As his needy breath mingles with mine, it fills me with an intoxicating hunger. I groan into his eager mouth, and his fingers thread into the curls of my styled hair. He pulls me closer as he gifts me with the entrance of his tongue, and I want to explode because the feeling is almost too much. He firmly grasps my face between his hands, and my tongue greedily entangles with his. I lick and taste all the recesses of his mouth as the blood pounds feverishly through my veins. His lips pull on mine, and I continue to kiss, lick, suck, and taste all that is Jax.

My Jax.

I am kissing Jax, and it is more than I dared to imagine. It shouldn’t be a surprise that it is beyond perfect because that is what he is to me.

Perfect.

Our knees give way, and we kneel in the sand. I whimper into his mouth as my tongue continues its flawless dance with his. The next thing I know, I’m lying on my back in the sand, and he is leaning above me. His one arm is resting on his elbow in the sand, and his other hand is exploring my face, neck, hair. My hands echo his in their exploration of his face.

His hand is burning me with its touch. It’s not the burn of pain but one of desire. Desire is an understatement. I have never wanted anything more in this life than I want Jax right now.

The chill of earlier is gone. The bitter air does not even bear recognition in my thoughts. I feel nothing but pure satisfaction as my mouth continues to be consumed by Jax’s.

In the distance, I hear a car horn, three beeps in quick succession. It takes me a moment to realize that the sound is most likely coming from the limo as I’m sure our time here is coming to a close.

He pulls his lips away from mine, and I think I hear an audible protest escape from both our mouths. He leans his forehead against mine as we struggle to calm our breaths.

“Um, Jax?” My voice sounds raw and needy through labored breaths.

“Yeah?”

“That was…”

“Yeah.”

“I think that we are supposed to be going back to the limo now,” I whisper.

He sighs. “Yeah.”

He stands and offers me his hand. He pulls me up, and we proceed to wipe the sand off our clothes. He threads his fingers through mine, and we make our way back to the limo in silence, lost in our own thoughts.

Inside the limo, the music plays through the speakers, but the atmosphere is different than it was on the ride to the beach. Everyone is quiet. Each couple keeps to themselves on the forty-five–minute drive back to our town. I hear the evidence of kissing happening around us, but I stay curled up against Jax’s side, his arm hugging me around my shoulders.

This isn’t the time or place to discuss what just happened, and for that, I’m grateful. Jax and I obviously have to talk about it, but with that conversation, I know that change is going to come. I have either made my life infinitely better or infinitely worse, and either way the coin lands, I’m scared to death.

What do I even say to that kiss?

That kiss…was amazing. For starters, it was freaking mind-blowing. I’ve never been kissed like that. Okay, I’ve never been kissed, period, unless you count the slobbery pecks from eager thirteen-year-olds when we used to play Spin the Bottle. But I don’t. Those kisses aren’t even in the same universe as Jax’s kiss.

What does that kiss even mean? Does he see me as more than a friend? Was it mere curiosity or fleeting hormones? Does he want to repeat it?

As I sit here, snuggled against Jax’s chest, I realize that I want him to want to do it again because goodness knows I do. Maybe I shouldn’t want it. But that kiss elicited emotions in me that I never knew existed. His lips created an almost painful burning desire to feel him again.

The drive back from the beach seems to take forever, but we eventually arrive at my house where everyone has left their cars. Jax and I say our good-byes to our friends and stand in my driveway as we watch the limo pull away.

I take a deep breath. “So…”

“Yeah,” Jax replies. A few more uncomfortable moments of silence go by. “Do you want to go to Denny’s?”

I think for a moment. “No, I’m kind of tired. Want to talk inside?”

“Yeah, sure.”

We walk around the back of the house, taking care not to step on my mom’s flowers. I slide open the glass door facing the backyard, and we enter the quiet dark basement. I flip on a side lamp and watch as Jax takes off his tux jacket and tosses it on the arm of the leather sofa. He repeats the action with his tie. His white dress shirt is already untucked and hangs loosely over his black pants.

“I’ll be right back,” I say.

Jax nods and makes his way to the mini bar, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge.

When I return in my yoga pants and T-shirt, he is sitting on the sofa with his feet out in front of him. In one hand, he holds the bottle of water, and in the other, he has the remote. He is idly flipping through the TV channels with a dazed expression. He looks so grown-up and sexy. His dark hair is tousled but perfect at the same time. His shirt is wrinkled from where it was tucked in. I’ve always known that Jax is exceptionally gorgeous, but my pulse has never raced this much when looking at him. It’s like that kiss has kicked my attraction to him into hyperdrive. It is hard to even look at him now and not want his lips on mine.

When he sees me, he smiles and mutes the TV. I plop down next to him, crossing my legs under me.

“So, I guess we should talk about that kiss,” he says.

“Yeah, I guess so.” The sound of my blood rushing through my veins is pounding in my ears, and I realize that I’m nervous. I have no idea what Jax is going to say, and I’m terrified to find out. Part of me wants him to confess his undying love for me, and the other part wants to go back to the way we were yesterday, simply Jax and Lily without the awkward air of intimacy between us.

“Look, Lil, I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure what came over me. You were so beautiful tonight. Don’t get me wrong. You’re always beautiful. It’s just that something about you tonight really affected me, and I needed to kiss you. I physically needed to feel your lips on mine. I know that sounds crazy. Am I making any sense?” His words come out in a rush.

“I think so. What does that kiss mean for us?” I ask in a hushed voice.

Jax faces me, taking my hands in his. “I’m not sure. It doesn’t have to mean anything if we don’t want it to.”

My heart sinks at his words, and I know now that, deep down, I wanted it to mean something.

“First and foremost, we have to think of our friendship. It makes sense that we would be attracted to each other. I have loved you my whole life. You are gorgeous, and obviously, you are a girl.” He pauses, gifting me with an adorably sexy smirk. “So, it would be weird if I didn’t find you attractive, right? It doesn’t mean we have to act on anything though. What are you feeling?”

“You are right.” About what part, I don’t know.

“I’m thinking that we should just say that, as two friends who find each other attractive—”

I cut him off there. “Hey, I don’t remember me telling you that I find you attractive,” I tease, poking him in the side. My comment has the desired effect I wanted.