Finding London (Flawed Heart #1) (37 page)

He laughs, and I watch his body relax.

“No, you are right. You didn’t. So, you aren’t attracted to me at all?” His voice is hesitant, and I fear I might have bruised his ego.

“Maybe a little, but let’s not assume.” I grin.

He smirks, and his green eyes shine down on me. He is so darn sexy that I can barely settle my newfound hormones.

“Yeah, I knew it. Okay, back to my thought. As two friends who find each other attractive—maybe one of us more so than the other”—he closes his lips, and his mouth turns into a sly smile as he quirks one eyebrow in my direction—“I think it is normal that we would also crave the physical connection, especially tonight with the whole prom gig—you know, with the dressing up and dancing and stuff. But just because we find each other attractive doesn’t mean we have to change anything about our relationship. You are the most important person in my life, and I value our friendship above everything else. I would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. I know the crap and drama that relationships bring, and I would never want that with you. So, I’m thinking that we should just say that we had an amazing…like, totally hot kiss, but now, we need to go back to normal. Don’t you think?”

Do I think so?
I’m not so sure.

My head tells me that he is right and completely spot-on in his assessment. A relationship would change everything.
Wouldn’t it?
It seems it would have to, and it would never be worth it to lose any part of what makes us, us.

We have been the perfect pair since before I can remember. People rarely speak about one of us without mentioning the other. We have always gone hand in hand. I don’t think it is simply from the fact that we were raised together either. I have grown up with my sisters my whole life, and although I love them completely, we don’t have what Jax and I have. What we have is the absolute rightness of two souls born into this world to complement the other flawlessly. Everything that Jax is and everything that he does is always exactly what I need. He is my center when I need it. He can make me laugh like no one else. He makes me feel important, beautiful, and cherished every day.
Best friends
isn’t even a title that begins to sum up the importance of our relationship. I don’t know what title would. The closest I can think of is
soul mates
, if that label can work in a relationship without the physical actions.

So, if everything that Jax is saying makes perfect sense, then why do I have a desperate ache in my chest? Why is my heart being squeezed with a vise of panic at the thought of never feeling Jax’s lips on mine again?
Rationally, I know that a relationship would mess everything up. I do.
Yet is it horrible for me to want to take the risk? If
we are this attached in friendship, imagine what we could be like as an intimate couple. I have no doubt that we would have the connection that people write books about.

But let’s face it…high school sweethearts never last. They don’t.

Am I willing to pay a price to see what it would be like?

No, I guess I’m not. If the price would be losing Jax, then no physical connection, regardless of how earth-shattering it might be, could ever be worth it.

“Lil?” Jax’s husky whisper breaks through my thoughts.

I clear my throat, willing the lump of emotions resting there to retreat. “No, you are right. It would mess everything up, and that wouldn’t be worth it.” I force my voice to remain calm when, internally, I’m feeling anything but. I want to scream at the unfairness of it all. I want to cry for the loss of something I never had, something so monumental that the idea of losing it is breaking my heart.

“Okay, good. Then, it is settled. So, do you want to watch a movie?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

I watch as Jax flips through the movie channels, and we settle on one involving gladiator-type men with extremely hot bodies fighting in some past fictional world.

Jax pulls me to his side. I snuggle into the crook of his arm, resting my head on his chest. He wraps his arm around me, hugging me tight. I inhale his scent, the familiar smell of his body wash and cologne. Like everything else, it is overwhelmingly perfect. The scent wraps me in a blanket of need. I close my eyes to block it all out. I focus on the blackness beneath my lids, the sound of my breath, and the feel of my beating heart. I concentrate on the rhythmic calmness of the blood whooshing through my veins and the void of nothingness where my heart is still unaware of the feeling it gets when Jax’s lips touch mine. In this void, I am naive and oblivious, and it is right where I need to be.

The soft glow of the morning sun finds me asleep on the couch. The scent of Jax is gone. I lie on my side with a blanket tucked around me. I take my hand and touch my lips. Closing my eyes, I remember the kiss on the beach.

Ugh. Suck it up, Lily. Get over it already.

I hear the soft plop of feet descending the carpeted steps to the basement.

“There you are.” Keeley’s excited voice echoes through the quiet room. “So, how was it?” She drops into the recliner next to me.

I sit up, wrapping the blanket around me. “It was really fun.” I give her the details of dinner, dancing, and the limo ride to the beach.

I leave out the kiss, not wanting to share that moment with anyone. If it is the only kiss I’m going to get from Jax, I’ll be keeping the memory whole, so I can always have it. I’m sure I’m being overly dramatic, but I don’t see anyone topping it. I might need to pull from that memory for a long time to come.

I grab my heavy calculus book before shutting my locker. I sense him approaching before I turn around. The recent flutters that come when he is near are now dancing around in my belly. I take a deep breath and turn to meet his piercing green stare.

“Hey,” I greet him with forced nonchalance.

I start strolling down the hall toward the Mr. Brown’s classroom where Jax and I sit daily to endure the horror that is calculus. Okay, it is only horrendous for me because it makes no sense whatsoever. I sit in class every day, fuming while wondering why on earth I have to learn this gibberish. You can’t tell me one situation in which I would ever need to know this crap.

Jax walks beside me. “So, are we still on for tonight?”

“You bet. You know, I think the only one worth seeing that we haven’t already seen is the one about the guy coming back from war and searching for his past love.” To be honest, it sounds way too romantic for me.

Things have been typical this week between Jax and me. Our weekly routine hasn’t changed. We have most of our classes together, so we see each other a lot during the day. We eat lunch together and study at one of our houses at night.

We are going on our weekly Friday date night tonight, and it all seems so normal. Yet, for me, it’s not. I have had to force all my interactions this week. It’s not because I don’t enjoy being around Jax, but now, I enjoy being around him in a different way, and I have to get past it.

“Yeah. It actually looks good and is getting great reviews. Do you want to do dinner somewhere before?” The deep timbre of his voice causes a goose-bump epidemic to break out across my arms.

“You know what? Let’s do a movie-theater dinner. We haven’t done that in a while.” My voice is excited as I think about the popcorn with extra butter, nachos, and peanut M&Ms we’ll have for dinner. It’s just what I need to get out of my funk—a sugar-and-carb meal laced with chemicals and preservatives.

Jax laughs. “Okay, but remember, the last time we did that, you felt like crap afterward.”

The memory of my bloated stomach and the sick full feeling that accompanied it come back to me. Okay, so maybe the idea of that meal is more appealing than the meal itself. Jax is correct. The last thing I need to feel on top of the unease already permeating every pore is ill.

“You are totally right. Subway?”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “Sounds good.”

“Would you rather live on a deserted island with a serial killer or live naked in a dump for the rest of your life?” I ask from across the table at Subway.

Jax’s lips release the straw of his soda, and they turn up into a smile. “Okay, but if I were in a dump, don’t you think I could find some discarded clothes? Why would I have to go naked?”

I playfully slap his hand. “Just answer.”

“I would live on the island. I’d kill the murderer before he could get me and live the rest of my life lounging on the beach, sipping coconut milk.” His lips form a wide grin before closing into a smirk. “Okay, would you rather lick a stranger’s toes or wear a stranger’s underwear on your head after he ran a marathon?”

“Would I have to wear the underwear around my face, or could I just wear them on my hair?”

“I don’t know. I guess around your face.”

“I would lick the stranger’s toes and then go throw up and brush my teeth.” Yep, sounds like the better choice. “Okay, would you rather go to school naked every day or sleep with the lunch lady?”

“The portly old one who is balding?” Jax smiles. “Of course I would come to school naked every day. Heck, I’d be doing the school a service.”

He mischievously quirks his eyebrow, and I laugh.

“And by the way, why am I always naked in these scenarios?”

I feel my cheeks flush. “Shut up, and go.”

“Let’s see. Would you rather eat a teaspoon of poop or take an hour-long bath in a tub filled with poop?”

“Ew! That is so gross. I don’t think I could stand to be surrounded by poop for an hour, so I guess I would have to take my chances with eating it.”

“That’s really sick, Lily. I can’t believe you would eat poop.” Jax is peering at me with his best attempt at a face filled with disgust.

“Oh, hush. Would you rather sleep with the love of your life one time and then never see her again? Or would you rather be able to see her every day for the rest of your life through glass and never be able to touch her?”

“Why won’t I see her again? Is she dead? What kind of glass are you talking about? And why is there glass between us?”

“Jax, you can’t always get clarification, you know. That’s not the way this works.”

“Yeah, but I don’t understand your question. I need answers, so I can make an informed decision.”

“Fine. She doesn’t die. She just moves away to…Antarctica.”

“Why Antarctica? Don’t you think she could find somewhere better to move to?”

I sigh. “Maybe she studies penguins and really likes Antarctica. Quiet. Anyway, the glass thing…I guess she is in jail, so you only get to see her through that glass and talk to her on those phones.”

“Why is she in jail? What did she do?”

“Jax!” I whine.

“Am I in love with a murderer or a bank robber? I mean, that would change my thoughts and my possible answer.”

“I don’t know. Fine. Maybe you are the one in jail for running around the school naked, indecent exposure and all.”

“There you go, getting me naked again, Lil. Is there something that you are trying to tell me?”

I ball up a napkin and throw it at him.

“Just kidding. But do you really think I would get life for showing off this body? I mean, really?”

“No one said the scenarios had to make sense.” I shake my head with a wide grin on my face. “Okay, fine, you robbed a bank, naked, and when you were coming out of the bank, you jaywalked across the street, kicked an old lady in her shin, and then threw a rock through a storefront window before stealing a car, running a red light, and then leading the cops on a fifteen-mile high-speed chase. So, now, you are serving life for robbery, indecent exposure, jaywalking, assault, vandalism, stealing, traffic violations, speeding, and resisting arrest. Basically, you’re a complete idiot. Now, answer the question.”

Jax’s deep chuckle resonates through Subway. “Okay, fine. I’d sleep with her once and then lose her because I think it would be pure torture to have to see her every day but never be able to really have her. That way, at least I would have had her once.”

I nod at his answer.

“Okay, would you rather have to watch your parents doing it every day for the rest of your life, or would you rather join in with them once and never have to see them do it again?”