Finding My Way (38 page)

His comment makes me
furious and I place my pizza back on my plate and stand up.  I have no
idea why, or where I am going all I know is that I don’t want to sit here and
be humiliated any longer.

“This was a bad
idea,” I say finding it hard to look Nick directly in the eye.

“What? 
Pizza?” he asks although I get the feeling he knows exactly what I
mean.  “
Em
, sit down.”  I hesitate
half-standing, half-sitting and feeling like an absolute fool.  Nick puts
his hand on my arm and my eyes meet his.  “Sit down,” he commands
again and, looking into those mesmerizing pale blue eyes, I find I have no
choice but to obey.

I sit and watch as
Nick continues to eat his pizza and then because I have nothing better to do I
pick up my slice and eat it too.  We continue to eat in awkward silence,
well awkward on my part at least, Nick looks perfectly at ease.  When my
slice is finished, Nick wordlessly places another piece on my plate and gives
me a smile that melts my heart and my knickers, and I feel my face flush yet
again.

“This is nice.” 
Nick says with a sigh and a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

“Yes the pizza is
delicious,” I reply looking down at my plate.

“No I meant being
here with you.”  My eyes flicker to his as he speaks in a voice that
vibrates through my body.  “So what do you want to do after we finish
eating?”

“Um…”

“What did you have in
mind exactly when you invited me over the other day?”  Again, with the
choking on my pizza, this was a bad idea.  How am I supposed to respond to
that?  “The vision of you dripping wet has been haunting me since then
Em
.  Do you have any idea how sexy you looked? 
Or how sexy you look right now?”  I swallow the hard lump of pizza crust
that I was chewing on as Nick leans forward until he is just inches away from
my face.  He places his thumb to the corner of my mouth.  “You just
got a little…” he trails off as he wipes whatever bit of food I had sitting
there, leaving a trail blaze of heat behind.  My eyes meet his and I can’t
look away.

His sexuality is undeniable,
as is the way he turns me on.  I feel naked when he looks at me that way.
 His eyes smoulder with
desire,
it’s as if he’s
undressing me with them. 
Oh how I’d like for him to do just that!
 
I clear my throat and look away nervously as he chuckles softly. 
Does
he have any idea what he is doing to me?  Does he feel the same?
 
I push the last bit of my second slice of pizza on my plate away from me, no
longer hungry for food.

“Do you mind?” 
Nick asks motioning to the last bit of pizza in the box at the centre of the
table.

“No go ahead,” I say
surprised that he has eaten nearly all of it already.  I lean back in my
chair trying to look comfortable as I take a drink of my Coke.

I know I’ve thought
it before but I can’t help but continuously think that
Em
has the whole “deer in the headlights” look down pat.  She is as nervous
as hell, so vulnerable and I feel like a shit for my comments.  I was
talking to her in a way that will not score me any points here, not tonight
anyway.  She is feeling vulnerable and exposed and I have to find a way to
put her at ease.

When we finish
eating, I ask her about work and she tells me that she just got a promotion at
the printing company that she works for.  As she replays some of her day,
her first experience of a lunch meeting, I see her visibly start to
relax.  I take our plates to the sink and rinse them.  She stays
seated at the table, watching me.  I dry my hands on the towel and then
walk over to her, taking her hand I lead her to the couch.

“
Em
,”
I say turning to her on the couch.  She shifts a little closer to me
placing her hands on my chest.  I place mine over the top of hers as they
singe me through my clothing. 
“
Em
.”
 
She finally looks up at me.
 
I lean a
little closer just wanting a taste, and I see her bottom lip actually
tremble.  My lips barely brush hers before she visibly stiffens and then
falls back slightly.

“Sorry.”  She
breathes.

“It’s okay.  We
don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”  I say trying to reassure
her.  “Let’s take this slow.”  Did I just say that? 
Me? 
Slower than I already have been? 

Who am I
kidding?  I can’t do this!  We almost kissed.  Nick’s lips
barely touched mine and I panicked.  I remembered the last kiss I had with
Seth only hours before and I just couldn’t do it.  The brief, tiny touch
of Nick’s lips on mine sent a jolt right through me.  I want him, so bad,
but I just can’t.  I can’t go through with it!  I have just realised
that I am definitely not a one-night-stand kind of girl.  If I sleep with
Nick it has to be more than a physical thing, I need more than that.
 
I’ve just realised that he means more than
that to me, even if I don’t mean anything to him.

“It’s too soon for
you, since your break up with Josh.”  Nick says after a moment of watching
me.

“Yes.”  I blurt
out.  But that’s not it at all.  He is so far off the mark it’s not
funny.  So I lie to him.  Let him think that, does it even
matter?  After basically propositioning him, how can I tell him
otherwise?  How can I tell him that I’m scared of being hurt?  I’m
scared that once he’s had me I won’t see him again?  And I do want him in
my life.

My mind drifts
momentarily to Seth and I feel guilty.  After such an emotionally charged
time with him, how could I even be considering doing this, doing anything, with
Nick?  No… I can’t.  I can’t do this to Seth.

“It’s okay.”  He
hugs me, giving me a kiss on the top of my head.  I melt into him. 
All my nervousness disappears.  I feel so at home in his arms, so
comfortable and protected.  He holds me for a minute before pulling back
to look at my face. 
“Friends?”

“Friends.”
 
I nod.  And so it goes, I can’t be the girl he wants and he can’t be the
guy I need.  Friends it is.

I see him eyeing the
dress hanging on my bedroom door and decide to change the subject.

“My best friend Kat’s
getting married on Saturday.  I’m the maid of honour.”

“And that’s your
dress?  It looks nice.”

And then I do the
most stupid thing I have probably ever done in my life.  I ask Emma Taylor
to be friends with me.  I can’t give her what she needs, and I know I need
her in my life in some form or another, and so I will be her friend. 
Stupid!

Without the pressure
of sex hanging over her head
Em
begins to
relax.  She tells me of her plans for the weekend, her friend’s wedding,
and then we watch TV together.  We fall into a comfortable pattern,
sitting close enough to be touching but not too close that we are anything more
than friends.  We laugh and chat and have a fun time together.  I try
hard to ignore the fact that her bedroom, just metres away, remains empty and
will not be used in the way that I had intended when I first arrived here
tonight.

“Well it’s getting
late, I should probably get going.  Don’t want you to be late for work
tomorrow.”  I say standing from the couch, when it nears eleven o’clock.

“No.  Don’t
go.”  She almost pleads and it makes me feel a relief stronger than I have
ever felt before.  I don’t want to go anywhere.  “I mean… you don’t
need to go yet.  I’m not working tomorrow. 
Got the
day off.
 
Having a spa day with Kat in
preparation for her big day.”

“Good.  I really
didn’t want to go home anyway.”  I say plopping back down next to her,
casually draping my arm over her shoulder.  I know it’s a dumb move
considering that we have agreed to be just friends and I know that it won’t
lead anywhere, but I just can’t help myself.  And when she doesn’t move
away but snuggles closer instead, I take it as a good sign.  The timing
might be off for her now, but maybe one day…

We snuggle on the
couch together, probably a little closer than friends should.  It feels
right though, nice, comforting.  We chat about anything and everything and
it’s just so pleasant.  I’ve never had a male friend like this before. 
He doesn’t tease me anymore.  He makes me laugh and I lose all of my
nervousness around him, he totally puts me at ease and I feel like an absolute
idiot for being so scared in the first place.  I know now that inviting
him here was not a mistake, propositioning him… maybe.

I’m starting to fall
asleep against Nick’s side when he nudges me softly, then shuts off the TV.

“
Em
,
it’s almost two in the morning.  I think I should go.  You need to
get to bed.”

“You’re probably
right,” I concede as I stretch my arms above my head.
 
I
was
really comfortable.  Nick
grabs my hand and pulls me from the couch.  He pauses in front of my
bedroom and my heart skips a beat, but he just motions to the dress hanging
there instead.

“I wish I could see
you all dolled up in that.  Do
me
a favour will
you?”  I nod. 
“Text me a picture on the day, so I
can see what I’m missing.”

“Sure.”  I say
swallowing a lump in my throat. 
What a sweet thing to say.

When we get to the
front door Nick pulls me in for a bear hug.  I squeeze him a little
tighter and longer than necessary.

“I hope you enjoy the
next couple of days
Em
.  Thanks for hanging with
me tonight,” he says sincerely as he pulls out of my embrace and gives me
a peck on the cheek.  It surprises me that he can be so sweet like this. 
“Good night.”

“Good night
Nick.”  He smiles, a breathtakingly sexy smile, before turning and walking
away.

My cheek tingles
where his lips just touched and his smile puts tingles elsewhere. 
Shit!
 
Being friends with Nick is going to be harder than I thought.

I’m enjoying the last
of the sunshine as the sun sets by riding my bike.  I try not to think too
much when riding, and just ‘
be
’, but I’m finding it
really hard to do today.  I awoke this morning to find a note on the
kitchen bench at the house.  It was from Kevin. 

Seth,

I’ll be home
tonight.  We need to talk.

Kevin.

I’m hoping this means
he will finally tell me what is going on with him.  Maybe he will explain
why I’ve hardly seen him lately.  He wasn’t home when I got off work, but
I’m hoping he will be when I get back from my ride.

Work felt strange
today without Emma being there.  It amazes me that in such a small amount
of time she has come to mean so much to me.
 
So not feeling that pull to her around the office was kind of weird, and
made for a long day.  I missed her.  So many times today I wanted to
call her, but I stopped myself.  She has already given me enough warnings
that I am putting too much pressure on her.  She has made it more than
obvious that I am pushing too far, too fast.  I don’t know why I am being
so
clingy,
I have never acted like this before. 
I really need to back off.

I’m just leaving the
garage after putting my bike away, when Kevin’s car pulls in the drive.  He
gets out of the driver’s side and ushers me quickly into the house, but not
before I recognise the girl in the front passenger seat of his car.  She
is the absolute last person that I ever expected to see.

I decide to do
something that I haven’t done in the longest time, and that’s to go to the
cinemas.  It’s something that I rarely do alone, but tonight I just don’t
feel like going clubbing.  Dan’s busy with Jo, of course, and I really
didn’t want to stay at home with my folks.

I grab my popcorn and
take a seat at the latest blockbuster, action packed film that happened to be
playing.  I actually didn’t pay much attention to even the name of the
movie as I paid for my ticket.  The theatre is surprisingly empty for a
Friday night, with only a handful of people seated, but then again it’s not
even dark out yet.  I take the best seat in the house, dead centre, and
crunch away on my popcorn.

Waiting for the ads
to start, I play with my phone.  I’ve had a friend request from my
grandmother sitting on Facebook for the longest time.  She thinks she’s so
cool now that she is on there.  I stifle my laugh when I think of the way
Yiayia talks about being on “da
faceybook
.” 
She’s annoyed that I won’t be her friend.  I choose to ignore her request
because some aspects of my life just shouldn’t be shared with little old
ladies.  I’m happy to see that today I have another request though. 
This time it’s from one Miss Emma Taylor, so of course I immediately accept
it.  Just looking at her profile picture sends a thrill through me.

Things may not have
gone as planned last night, but I still ended up having a great time getting to
know her.  I’m so glad to have her as my friend at the very least. 
For now.

Kevin leans awkwardly
against the kitchen bench.

“What is
she
doing here?  And why did you practically push me into the house?”

“Well I’m sorry to
put you on the spot like this with her being in the car and all…  Seth, I
need to tell you… Rebekah and I have been dating for a couple of months.”