Finding My Way (5 page)

Which
is exactly what I do.
  No one is home when I get there, which is a
bonus.  Peace and quiet, just what I need to help relieve the headache
that has plaguing me all day.  I fall asleep pretty much as soon as my
head hits the pillow.

***

I am awoken by
banging again but this time I recognise the clashing of pots and pans in the
kitchen.  Looking at my alarm clock I see it’s already after 6pm, I’ve
been out for hours.  The smell of dinner wafting from the kitchen makes my
stomach growl.

“Hey
Ma
!”
I greet her with a peck on the cheek as I
enter the kitchen.  I have to bend down a fair way because she is such a
shorty. 
“Smells good!”
I say as I motion to the
casserole she has just taken from the oven.

“Nicky, how was your
day?  I didn’t hear you come in last night,” she says smiling at me.

“I crashed on Dan’s
couch, got in this morning.”  Shameful I know, lying to my mother like
that.  It’s not like I could tell her I fell asleep in a girl’s bed
though, she thinks better of me.  My mum is the typical Greek
mother.  Believes in settling down with a good Greek girl, and Kelly does
not fit that picture at all.  Sleeping with a girl that I don’t love,
sneaking out while she sleeps, that is not what my mum has planned for
me.  So I don’t ever tell her of my conquests, of course, I never want to
disappoint her.

Dad enters the
kitchen and takes his seat at the head of the table.  “I visited Con at
the store today, Nick.  He is doing so well, his store is something to be
proud of,
business
is good.  Got his head screwed
on right, that boy.”  Then he looks at me briefly with pity, or is it
shame?  My dad is a good man, but he is obsessed with success.  A
man’s worth is what he does for a living, marrying the right girl, providing
for his family, blah
blah
blah
. 
At 26, unmarried, working at a train station kiosk, I am a disappointment to
him, and comments like this about my cousin Con, who is only a few years older
than me and runs his own furniture store, are his way of letting me know just
how much of a disappointment I am.  Yes sometimes, he does subtlety, other
times,
he just comes straight out and says it.

“Do you have any jobs
on this weekend?” Mum asks me, changing the subject, slightly.  She’s
always looking out for me.

“Yeah I’m working at
Sorry Grandma!
on
Saturday night.”

“Sorry Grandma! 
What kind of a place is that?”

“It’s a club in the
city Ma.”  It will be my first time playing at this venue.  I have
only been there once and that was just as a patron.  They are holding an
amateur DJ night this weekend.  Although at the clubs closer to home I am
not considered an ‘amateur’ this seems like a good opportunity to broaden my
horizons as a DJ.

“I don’t know where
they get these names from!”  Mum exclaims as she joins us at the
table.  She says it jokingly, not meaning anything by it.  Dad on the
other hand just grunts his disapproval. 
DJing
at clubs is not what he considers a career, or job, even a hobby like I
do.  He thinks of it as a complete waste of time, of course.

“Why bother?” 
He asks sullenly without looking at me, not expecting a response.  So I
don’t answer, I just let his comment roll off my back and dig into the food Mum
has placed in front of me.

“Good stuff Ma!” I
say as she
pats
me on the head with a smile on her
face.  She is easily pleased, she’s also a great cook and I happily praise
her.  It’s just the three of us here now.  My older brother, George
lives in Preston with his wife and their three boys.  My younger sister,
Maria is also married, living in Dingley.  Her and her husband have a
daughter and are expecting their second child soon.

So that just leaves
me, the unsuccessful, one at home.  Not that I am home that much, in fact
I avoid it more and more, or should I say I avoid Dad and his disconcerting
looks and little digs at what a failure I am.  It’s hard to please Dad,
too hard to live up to his ideals.
 
He was
married and had bought his first home by the age of twenty.
 
The very house we are still living in.

“Thanks Ma!” I say as
I take my plate to the sink.  “I’m going to Dan’s.”

“Okay Nicky, have a
good time and say hello to Dan for me.  Tell him to come to dinner
soon.  We haven’t seen much of him lately.”

“Will do,” I say
giving her a quick squeeze on the shoulder as I pass.  “Thanks for
dinner.”  Glancing at Dad I note that he is shaking his head, what else is
new?  I know he is shaking his head at me, but not because I am going to
Dan’s, who knows why this time.  In Pa’s eyes Dan
is
a
success.  He works full time as an accountant and has his own
apartment.  Although he isn’t married yet he has two up on me.

Dan has been my best
mate since primary school.  He graduated from high school as dux of our
year.  He continued studying and became a qualified accountant. 
Academically we couldn’t be more different.  But socially we just click,
always have.  He may have my parents fooled, he has that serious-guy-act
down pat, but I know the real Dan.  He is a party animal, always out on
the prowl.  I don’t know how he has the head for all those numbers every
day when he is out partying most nights.

I pull into the car
park outside Dan’s apartment and note there is a red hatchback parked next to
his car.  I recognise it as Jo’s car.  I hope that doesn’t mean Kelly
is here too.  As I make my way up the stairs I pass Jo, she is by herself
so that answers my question.

“Hey Nick!”  She
smiles sweetly at me as she passes, her blonde hair swinging from side to side
as she goes down the stairs.  She is wearing a grey power suit type jacket
and tight fitting skirt, perfectly fitting her in all the right places. 
She has a great set of legs.

“Hi,” I reply but she
doesn’t stop so that is as far as the conversation goes.

Dan’s door is wide
open when I reach it, he must have seen me pull in.  I close it behind me
and find him in the kitchen washing dishes, still dressed in his work pants and
business shirt, sleeves rolled
up,
at least he’s lost
his tie.  He is all
smiley
and I raise my
eyebrows at him looking for an explanation.

“What?” he asks,
fighting back a
grin.
  “She came over for dinner,
alright?”  Dan does not cook dinner for girls.

“What the hell, man?”
I laugh at him.  “You
cooked
for her?”

“Yeah I did.” 
Is all he says, continuing to wash the dishes with a goofy smile on his face.

“Okay where is the
real Dan?”  I ask jokingly looking around the kitchen, but I really
am
in shock.  He flicks me with soap suds still smiling and not saying
anything else.  “So I gather she didn’t put out last night then. 
Trying to seduce her with food then?  I can see by the fact she left so
early you didn’t impress her with your culinary skills.”

“Shut up man!” 
He blushes, actually blushes, and shakes his head. 
What has gotten
into him?
  “It’s not like that Nick.  Jo’s different, I like
her.”

“I can see
that!”  I laugh.

“She stayed last
night-”

“
And
came
back?” I interrupt him.

“Funny!  She had
to eat and run tonight ‘
cause
she had some family
thing on, but we are going out again tomorrow night.”

“What? 
Three nights in a row?
  You’ve got it bad!”

“Yep.”
 
He agrees and doesn’t say anything else.  I grab a can of Coke from his
fridge and take a seat on one of the bar stools.

“So
we going
out tonight or what?”  I ask him as he pulls
the plug out of the sink.

“Nah I’m stuffed man,
I was
gonna
have an early one.”  What a
turnaround!  Dan is not acting like himself at all.  “I didn’t get
much sleep when Jo and I got back last night, if you know what I mean?” 
And he’s back!
 
That’s the Dan I know!

“Mind if I stay and watch a bit of telly then?” I ask standing up.

“Sure mate. 
I’ll go have a shower and then join
ya
.”  He
says heading to his bedroom.

I sit down on his black
leather couch and turn on his huge flat screen and start flicking
channels.  Dan’s apartment is pretty swanky.  It’s modern with all
the latest furniture and gizmos.  He actually earns a fair amount of
money.  I guess in Dad’s terms he is successful!  Well compared to me
anyway.

Yeah, what do I
have?  I have a good car.  It’s a Commodore, only two years old and I
own it outright.  I always have nice clothes and I have few thousand in
savings. 
But other than that?
 
Nothing.
  I live with my parents.  I know I need
to get out and all but… it’s so easy just to stay put.  I would miss my
Mum’s cooking and it’s cheaper at home.  Plus I’m saving to go overseas.

Dan returns about ten
minutes later in tracksuit pants and a hoodie, grabs a Coke and plops down beside
me.

“So
you and Jo huh?
 
Sounds serious.”
  I
say raising my eyebrows at him.  But he doesn’t reply.  “Dan, my man,
what happened to treating them mean and keeping them keen?  Three nights
in a row, you’ll be whipped in no time!”

“Maybe I liked to be whipped!”
he laughs, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“Dude,
too much info!”
I laugh and toss a cushion at him, which he catches
before it hits his face.

“So what’s happening
with you and Kelly?” He asks turning to me, obviously looking to change the
subject.

“
Nothin
’ much.”

“Are you
gonna
keep seeing her?”

“Nah, I think it’s
time to turn her loose.”  I reply smugly.

“Good.  Do it
now though, because I like Jo.  I don’t need you breaking
Kel’s
heart and stuffing things up for me and her best
friend.  Okay?”

“Yeah man,
alright.  She’s cool though, I don’t think she has real feelings for me or
anything so you don’t have to worry.”

“But you won’t see
her again?” 

“If it means that
much to you…
Then, no.”
 
What the hell?
 
He is looking at me for reassurance.  “Wow, you really have it that
bad?  I don’t think I have ever seen you like this, man.  How many
times have you and Jo seen each other now?”

“Enough to know that
she’s different,” he turns his head back to the TV.  “I… I feel different
about her, you know?”

“Yeah,” I say, but
really, no.  I don’t know.  I mean, I have liked girls before, many
girls.  They’re fun to hang with, even more fun to play with, but I never
play for keeps.  I don’t do relationships.  I don’t want to be tied
down, whipped and told what to do by some chick...
on second thought that does sound good…
 But seriously, I’ve
seen it happen time and time again, once a guy gets that ball and chain they
just aren’t fun anymore.  Variety is the spice of life as they say. 
I wouldn’t want to be with just one girl,
boring
.  Nah, I am having
too much fun, why would I change that?

We watch some stupid
reality TV show for the next hour or so, until Dan falls asleep.  I give
him a nudge, and he barely opens his eyes, giving me a grunt.

“I’m heading off
mate.  Go to bed.”  He gives me another grunt and closes his eyes.

I wonder how long
this will
last?
 
Dan not going
out, getting all serious for a girl?
 
Hopefully
not too long.

I wake up feeling a
little groggy.  I didn’t sleep well last night.  But I have decided
that last night is the final time that I will cry for Josh.  I am going to
take Kat’s advice and move on.  Starting today!  I take off Josh’s
navy blue t-shirt and throw it in the bin.  It feels cathartic, it’s time
to say goodbye.  I’m ready to move on… maybe.

I decided to wear my
long grey skirt today, with a pale blue shirt and my favourite knee high black
leather boots.  I made a bit more of an effort with my hair and make-up
today too.  I have wavy brown hair that goes halfway down my back.  I
usually put it up in a ponytail or bun for work, but today I use my curling
iron and leave it down with a few large ringlets.  If I am to make a fresh
start I need to make myself feel a little better in the process.

My apartment is in
Caulfield, only a couple of minutes’ walk from the train station.  It’s a
sunny September morning, full of promise of the warmer weather to come, which
helps put a little bounce in my step.  I don’t need a train ticket as I
bought my monthly ticket yesterday, but I decide to go to the kiosk anyway,
secretly hoping to see that guy again.  If I have gone to all the extra
effort today, I want someone to appreciate it.  Plus I wouldn’t mind
another look at him either.

I stand in line and
find that yes he is behind the counter again.  When it’s my turn to be
served, I realise I don’t know what I am actually buying.

“Good morning! 
What can I get you lovely?”  He gives me a smile.  Now that I take
the time to have a good look at him I realise he really is kind of cute. 
At a guess I would say that he was about my age. 
Maybe
Greek or Italian?
  He has a lovely smile with big dimples on
his cheeks when he smiles.  He has darkish skin, very broad shoulders and
looks quite muscular.  And his eyes, whoa, his eyes are a mesmerizing
sparkling pale blue.  They don’t seem to belong with his tanned complexion
and curly black hair.  I spontaneously decide on some gum, which I never
buy, and show him what I want to purchase.