Finding Solace (42 page)

 
"Then
you have a lot to figure out. Good luck with that."

 
"Thanks.
I'm going to need it. I
gotta
go
,
but
I will talk to you later."

 
"Sounds good.
Bye, Sadie girl."

 
When I hung
up, my phone still was blinking from a notification. I opened it up and saw
another text. This one was from Colt

 
Colt: WE NEED
TO TALK

 
That was all
it said. Part of me wanted to ignore it, but the other part was excited that he
was ready to get past all this. I responded to him with

 
Me: SOUNDS
GOOD.
WORKING TODAY.
WILL TOMORROW WORK?

 
He
immediately came back with

 
Colt: YES.
CAN WE MEET AT THE COFFEE SHOP?"

 
Well, that's
neutral ground if I have ever heard of one.
Seriously?
What was wrong with my house or his?

 
Me: THAT'S
FINE. 2:00?

 
Colt: C U
THEN

 
And that was
it. Why wasn't I looking forward to this anymore? It felt like a tsunami was
going to take me out. I had a full day of work ahead of me so at least there
was that.

 
The next
morning I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. How can someone dread meeting up
with the person that holds their heart? It makes no sense to me. I forced
myself to get up and shower. I got ready and still didn’t feel any better. Was
I coming down with something? I waited until twenty minutes to two. I didn’t
want to be early and wait. That would be awful.

 
When I got
there, he wasn’t waiting like I thought he would be. Great! I looked for an
open table and sat down. I had bit every nail on my hands off by the time he
walked in. I hurried and scooped them off the table and wrapped them in a
napkin.
I know, it’s disgusting.
I couldn’t help it.
My nerves were shot. He looked as good as he always did.
Before
everything went to shit, that is.
Colt pulled the chair out and sat down
across from me.

 
"Hi"

 
"Hello.
Sorry I was late. Did you order anything yet?"

 
"No, I
was waiting for you."

 
"Okay,
thanks."

 
This was
awful. He and I have never been like this. Talking to Colt was like coming
home. I sat there for a couple of minutes taking in the situation and then I
lost it.

 
"Colt,
what are we doing? You’re breaking my heart. I know this is not about me, but
from my side it has to be. I have tried to be here for you. You pushed me away.
You hurt me. I have had to deal with losing one of my best friends and the man
that makes me feel whole at one time. I hate you for that. Can you understand what
I'm saying? I know you have been in hell for the last couple of weeks, but I
thought we were more than that. How could you push me away?"

 
"Sadie,
I don't know where to start..."

 
"How about at the beginning."

 
"Calm
down and let me talk, okay? I hit rock bottom. Yes, I pulled away from you, but
only because I was going to bring you down with me. How can you look past the
last time we were together so easily? I never, never would have handled you the
way that I did. I hurt you and you let me. I saw you crying and I still
couldn't stop. It broke me more than I already was. I couldn't even fucking
apologize to you the next day. What kind of monster could do that? I needed
space to take in all that has changed in my life. I accepted the offer from WIU,
did you know that? I am trying to find a place where I belong. You couldn't do
that for me. Can you understand that?"

 
"I can.
And I could have all along had you given me the chance. I didn't blame you for
what you did that night. You were dealing with everything and you lost control.
It’s okay.”

 
"See,
that's what I'm saying right there. Quit justifying what I did! You deserve
better, more. It’s not okay. I care about you enough to see that. You need to
care about yourself enough to not accept it as okay."

 
"I do.
I know you’re not James, okay? I know you would never intentionally hurt
me."

 
"But I
did anyway. I saw you the other night at the bar. You were so hurt and I did
that too. I know that song was for me. The idea that I could hurt you that bad
kills me."

 
"You
did. I can't justify that. But I still need you."

 
"Sadie,
I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. They want me there right after
graduation."

 
"I
understand that. But can't I get what little time we have left?"

 
"Are
you sure you still want it?"

 
"Do you
even need to ask?"

 
"I am
getting better but I'm not 100%. You'll have to bear with me."

 
"I’m
ready for whatever, but what about you? This has all been about me. How have
you been? What's going on with Maddie? Is it safe to even ask that?"

 
"I'm
better. I needed that time alone. I know that isn't what you want to hear but
it’s the truth. As far as Maddie, I've given up. Please don't tell me it’s a
mistake. I have thought a lot about this. I have no doubt she will remember me.
I hate that she no doubt misses me. But in my head I justify it with how much I
am already gone. I hope that someday she will find me. Then I will be able to
explain why. I mailed her a letter and had it sent by certified mail. Just for
proof it was sent. I don't trust Jamie anymore, so I doubt Maddie will ever get
it. But I need you to know, I'm okay with this. It took a while but I'm going
to be okay."

 
"That's
all I care about, Colt. I need you to be alright."

 
"I'm
okay."

 
The rest of
the time we sat there, we talked and laughed like nothing had ever happened to
break us. After a couple of hours, the staff was getting angry. I guess they
wanted patrons that actually order something. We decided it was time to go and
walked out together. I hugged him and told him thank you for coming to me
finally. He thanked me for accepting his apology. We both walked back to our
cars in separate directions but when I reached mine, I couldn’t help but look
back at him. Colt was standing next to his own car with the door open. He winked
at me and then got in. I opened my door and sat down in my seat. I smiled and
thought to myself, "There is hope for us yet" and then drove off.

CHAPTER
39

 
Ash
had come up to my work to surprise me and I loved it. All the girls gushed over
how attractive he is. It didn't help that he brought cupcakes for all of us.
When I asked him why cupcakes, he said, "Every woman has a sweet tooth,
right?" He was right. At least all of the women at my shop did. I told him
thank you and that if he wanted to get together later that night, I would love
to spend some time with him. He agreed and said he would be back to pick me up
at eight o'clock when I got off.

 
It was seven
forty five and I was done for the day. I went in the back to check my makeup
and freshen up a little for him. He got there early and scared the crap out of
me when I opened the break room door.

 
"That
was priceless, Sadie." He was laughing at me.

 
"Not so
much. I wanted to look good when you got here, not like a freak screaming her
head off."

 
"You
are breathtaking in your sleep when you’re not even trying. Anything beyond
that is a bonus."

 
I looked at
him and gave him the stink eye.

 
"Too
much?" he said.

 
"A
little"

 
"I'm
going to have to work on that."

 
"I kind
of like you just the way you are."

 
"Well,
that's good to know. You ready to get out of here?"

 
"Whenever you are.
Where do you want to go?"

 
"Have
you eaten anything besides the cupcakes I brought up earlier, and don't lie to
me. I know how girls are. I have a sister."

 
"You
have a sister?"

 
"Yes.
Her name is
Kate,
she's older than me by four
years."

 
"No
kidding? I'm an only."

 
"That
explains a lot. Now, are you hungry?"

 
"Starving"

 
"I was
hoping so. Then we are going to my place, if that's okay?"

 
"That
works for me. Do you just want to pick something up?"

 
"Nope,
I've got it covered."

 
"Should
I ask?"

 
"No
again. Let me surprise you."

 
"I'm
getting excited."

 
He grabbed
my hand and said, "Good. Let’s get going then."

 
We walked
into Ash’s house and the whole place smelled delicious. My taste buds were in
overdrive. He took my hand and led me past the kitchen, through the family room
and into a candle lit dining room. I gasped for a breath. Everything was in
warmers to keep fresh, or I guess in case I didn’t want to come here. Thank God,
I did. This was more than anyone has ever done for me. He led me over to a
chair and pulled it out for me until I sat down. Then he pushed me in like a
gentleman.

 
"This
is all so amazing!"

 
"I'm so
glad you think so. I was expecting some smart ass comment about the fact I'm
trying too hard."

 
"I
wasn't going to go there, but since you opened the door, are you?"

 
"Not
even close. Sadie, this is just the beginning. But I always want you to be
honest with me. I never want to overwhelm you."

 
"Too
late"

 
"Shit!
Really?"

 
"I
can't imagine this is how you treat every girl you date?"

 
"Well,
you're right there. But it’s been over two years since I truly dated someone.
Booty calls and one night stands I'm not willing to count."

 
"I
really don't want to go here but I have to ask. So, then what category does
Cindy fall into?"

 
"You're
right. You don't want to know."

 
"That's
what I was afraid of."

 
"Sadie,
I'm not going to try to pretend like I'm some kind of saint because I'm
certainly not one. But I want you to be different. And these warmers are not
going to work forever. Can we please start to eat? I'm starving. Do you have
any idea how hard it is to cook all this and not get to eat it right
away?"

 
"YOU
cooked all this?"

 
"I did.
Is it that surprising?"

 
He took the
lids off and the smell magnified. I was looking at chicken parmesan covered in
a mushroom based marinara with angel hair pasta, Caesar salad and homemade
garlic bread. It looked delicious.

 
"Yes,
it is. This is amazing, Ash."

 
"It’s
just dinner, Sadie." And he meant it. The look on his face showed this was
not to impress me. It was for us to have dinner together. That in itself
impressed me, whether he was trying to or not. He served me a portion way too
big but I wasn’t going to complain. I was going to try to finish every bit of
it. Once I tasted the first bite, I was hooked.

 
"Ash,
this is fantastic! You really did a good job on this. Thank you for inviting
me."

 
"Thank
you and you’re very welcome. I'm glad you came."

 
We both
stayed quiet while we shoveled food in our mouths. When I finished my plate, oh
yeah I finished all right, I helped clean up the mess. We sat in his media room
to watch The Hangover. He and I laughed when we picked it at the same time.
Cuddling next to Ash felt good but I could not help but think of Colt. At the
same time the guilt I felt for being here in the first place was slipping. Ash
was fun to hang out with. I didn’t think about it lasting, just that I should
enjoy the moment I was in. His laugh was contagious. We had both seen this
movie enough to quote phrases yet he still laughed as hard as he could. When
the movie was over, Ash was willing to take me back to my car without a fight.
I thought he would be eager for me to stay the night. So needless to say, it
shocked me when I said that I probably should get going and he agreed. When we
got back to my work for my car, I wasn’t sure how to handle the goodbye. I
thanked him again for a great night, leaned over and kissed him and then got
out. What I didn’t expect was that he would get out also. He walked around his
car to end up right in front of me.