Finding Solace (39 page)

 
"Sorry,
Master Yoda. I didn't realize it would hurt me to want to help him or I never
would have gone there."

 
"You
can't help everybody, Sadie. Sometimes they have to fix themselves."

 
Five more
weeks later and nothing had changed. I can't say I am reacting the same way I
did the last time he left me. This time I was pissed off. When I finally did
get a chance to talk to Heather, she even made me mad.

 
"Sadie
honey, I know it hurts but it’s not like he cheated on you and you guys broke
up. This is different. He needs to figure himself out and you need to finally
tell him how you feel. He needs to feel in control and wanted. You’re telling
me you really can't relate to that? I personally never agreed to the way you
were dealing with your pain, but isn't Colt just doing the same thing?"

 
"Heather,
if you knew the way it was the last time we were together. It was awful and
beautiful all wrapped into one. He gave himself to me that night."

 
"Or he
just gave up on himself and didn't give you anything. He's lost. If you love
him the way I think you do, talk to him."

 
"I
can't. He broke my heart. I always thought he felt the same way I did. I was
wrong."

 
"If you say so."

 
That is the
kind of support I have been getting. They all suck.

 
Everyone was
meeting up at ‘51’ tonight for a farewell to some of the employees. Graduation
is in less than a month. With finals coming up, they all needed to focus on
their grades, so the jobs are going away. Dave, Bryan and Geoff all put in
their notice. It’s not as if we wouldn’t still be coming here. The bar
management set this little party up. When I said management, I meant Shawn and
Colt. I was scared to death that he would be there. I hadn’t run into him once
since that day at his house. I had been working and going home. Lindsey and
Kaleb had invited me out a couple of times also. I turned them down too. I
couldn't face Ash. That man does something to me that
makes
me lose control. What I needed now more than anything is control. After work, I
went home to get ready. Lately I haven't been putting as much effort into my
appearance as I used to. Tony says I look like a slob, asshole. Tonight I felt
different. I wanted to look better than I ever have. I pulled a royal blue
strapless dress from my closet, held it up and threw it on the floor. Then it
was jeans and a bright yellow backless shirt, floor. This went on forever until
I found it. The sapphire blue satin halter top that picked my boobs up and
placed them in perfect land. I paired it with white sailor pants and leather
camel strappy heels. Chunky dangle bracelets and large hoop earrings. I left my
hair down which was a change up from my latest style. When my makeup was done,
I looked in the mirror and thought, ‘You got this’. I grabbed my clutch and was
on my way.

 
When I
walked into the bar there was no one working the front that was my friend.
Too weird.
I walked toward the back and heard Tony whistle.
My head followed the sound and my eyes landed on my group. A mental picture was
taken of this moment where everyone was together having fun. Mike was the first,
as always, to greet me by flinging me in the air.

 
"You
look stunning. A couple years really does make a difference. You have morphed
from a pretty girl into a breathtakingly beautiful woman."

 
"Wow
Mike. That was so sweet." I kissed him on the cheek and then said,
"But you still can’t have me." Then I slapped his cheek a couple of
times. He busted out laughing. Then he set me down and said, "Damn it. I
thought I did pretty
good
with that one. You women are
too hard to figure out." I laughed at that until my stomach hurt and then
responded "Yes, we are."

 
Tony got up
to give me one of the hugs that only he could give. I then made my rounds to
make sure everyone was hugged and kissed. Heather lifted a shot glass from the
center of the table and handed it to me. "You’re going to need it, trust
me."

 
Fuck! Who
wants to hear
that.
So I did exactly what she said to
do, but I did a lot more than just the one. A couple hours later we were all
laughing and talking. Dave was cracking jokes at Bryan’s expense and I just
thought about how much I truly am going to miss all of them. Bryan punched Dave
and then we were all laughing again when Dave fell out of his chair. Jason was
talking about the fight he was getting ready for, that was coming up in six
months and Mike of course was still training. He still had a title to defend.
Ashlee and Angie were planning on staying close after they went home. They have
become great friends. I felt like everyone had something to look forward to
except for me. And then Shawn dropped the bomb.

 
"Hey
everybody, did you here Colt is going to be one of the head coaches for WIU's
wrestling team?"

 
Everybody
was shocked and excited for him, but I knew different.

 
"No,
he's not. He turned them down months ago." When I said it everyone looked
at me. It just hit me that it was the first thing I had said in a long time.

 
I had been
just listening to them all, taking in what was to come. Shawn corrected me by
saying, "He did turn them down initially, but he called them back to see
if they filled the position yet and they hadn't. He accepted it tonight. He
just told me when I went into the office a couple of minutes ago."

 
"Oh"
was all I could say. I picked up another shot and downed it. The conversation
went on but I folded inward. Tony walked over to stand behind me and put his
hands on my shoulders for support. He always knew what I needed. I excused
myself a little later and went to the bathroom. After I relieved myself and
washed my hands, I looked in the mirror. With as drunk as I was, I could not
figure out how
could I
still look so good on the
outside, when I was crushed on the inside. I walked out of the bathroom and
went straight over to the same karaoke guy that has been working the place
since they brought it in.

 
"Beautiful
little Sadie! Are you going to bless us with your talent tonight?"

 
"If I can?"

 
"I
don't care who's in line next on the sheet. If you’re willing, you can go
next."

 
"That
would be great."

 
I stood
there until the guy singing a country song was done. Then it was my turn. I
never felt so vulnerable and so ready to put it all out there in my life.

 
I told the
man what I wanted to sing and his response was, "Oh great. You really want
to see me cry don't you?"

 
"I just
need someone in particular to hear the words."

 
"Well
I'd say good luck, but I know if you’re singing it, whoever you’re trying to
reach out to will hear you loud and clear."

 
"I hope
so."

 
I took the
microphone and waited for the music to start. Phil Collins "Against all
odds" was the best that I could do. I closed my eyes and took a deep
breath. This was my last chance. The intro was done so I had no choice but to
begin.

 
How can I just let you walk away?

 
Just let you leave without a trace

 
When I stand here taking every breath with
you,
ohh

 
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

 
How can you just walk away from me?

 
When all I can do is watch you leave

 
‘Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
we even shared the tears

 
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

 
So take a look at me now, oh there's just an
empty space

 
and
there's nothing’
left here to remind me

 
Just the memory of your face

 
Oh, take a look at me now, well there's just
an empty space
And
you coming back to me is against
the odds and that's what I've got to face.

 
I wish I could just make you turn around turn
around and see me cry

 
There's so much I need to say to you

 
So many reasons why

 
You’re the only one who really knew me at all

 
So take a look at me now well there's just an
empty space

 
And there's nothing left here to remind me,

 
Just the memory of your face

 
Now take a look at me now, ‘
Cause
there's just an empty space

 
But to wait for you is all I can do and
that's what I've got to face

 
Take a good look at me now, ‘
Cause
I’ll still be standing here

 
And you coming back to me against all odds

 
It’s the chance I've got to take.

 
Take a good look at me now.

 
I lowered
the microphone and wiped the tears off my face. I finally got the courage to
open my eyes and I saw and heard a standing ovation. I scanned the room but
there was no Colt. To my right, a hand reached out and took mine. I glanced
down and Tony had me. I gave the microphone to the man and said thank you. I
let Tony pull me in to a hug and I lost it. I cried so hard and he kept telling
me I did great. When I finally felt I was going to be okay, he said, "I'm
so proud of you, girl. You
laid
what you were feeling
out there. He heard you by the way. He watched the whole thing."

 
"Then
where is he?"

 
Tony looked
so sad. I already knew what he was going to say but I needed to hear it.

 
"He
left."

 
My heart was
officially broken.

CHAPTER
37

 
I
walked with Tony back to the table where everyone just stared at me as I
approached. Then when I took my seat all conversation reverted back to
storytelling and laughter as if none of it ever happened. I sat there for a few
minutes and started to really process all of it. Colt always taught me to do
what was best for me even if it hurt him. Why couldn't I be just as fair with
my feelings? If he was doing what made him happy, why would I want anything
else for him? I needed space to think. I stood up and the only person to take
notice was Tony. He looked at me as if to ask me if I wanted company. I shook
my head no, and then walked away. My plan was to go outside for some fresh air.
I was thinking about everything that had just happened when I ran right into
the back of someone. I put my hands out to steady myself and apologize when a
very attractive man turned around to see who just ran smack into the back of
him. There was no shock or surprise when our eyes met. Ash stood in front of me
with that beaming smile of his.

 
"Do you
run into me on purpose or what, princess?

 
"I'm
sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 
"That
is an obvious statement." He grabbed my shoulders to look me in the eye.
"Are you okay, Sadie? Do you want to take a walk?"

 
"That
would be great. Thank you."

 
He placed
his hand in mine and led me outside to the parking lot. When we came to a place
where we wouldn't be bothered he turned to me and said, "So, how is your
friend?"

 
I wasn’t
sure how to respond to that. Yesterday I would have said ‘I don't know’. Tonight,
I don’t even want to answer the question.

 
"I will
take your silence as not good. I have thought a lot about you. I want you to
know that when you are ready, I will be willing to try this again. But not
until you’re ready, do you understand what I'm saying to you?"

 
"I do.
Ash, I've thought about you too. I can't get you out of my thoughts. You do
something to me that I can't explain and I don't want to try. Just seeing you
right now makes me want to start all over. Do things right. Can we? Can we just
take it one day at a time and see what happens? I missed you." And then I
leaned up and kissed him. All the alcohol had added up and I was drunk.
Drunk enough, to put it all out there with him.
If he
refused me, I could take it. But he didn’t. He came back with a kiss that made
everything go away. My hands started to venture to his abs. Oh, I missed
that eight pack
. His hands went to my hair. It was becoming
feverish between us. He picked me up and pressed me to a brick wall and
continued to devour me. I needed to feel him inside me. I needed him like I
have never needed anyone before. And then he pulled away and set me down. What
the fuck? Is he gay? Why does he always stop when we are so close?