Forgiven (25 page)

I look away. She’s so damn stubborn, but dang him for calling her and not telling me. “I thought we weren’t keeping secrets anymore?”

“We’re not keeping secrets. If it was a secret I wouldn’t have just told you I called her.”

“But you only told me because I asked.”

“I did it because I thought she should know and you were overwhelmed and busy.” I stand up and walk to the window in the corner and cross my arms. He walks up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “You’re welcome to call her, but you need to know she’s not receptive.”

I shake my head. “He’s fighting for his life. He’s clearly changed. I just don’t understand why she won’t give him another chance.”

“Maybe you should try to call her, then. You might be able to get through to her.”

I turn around into his arms. “I need her. I have to talk to her.”

“I’ll be waiting here then. I’ll get you if anything changes.”

I perch up on my tippy toes and give him a sweet, chaste kiss. “Thanks.”

Things have been so strained with Gabby since Bradley found our dad. I don’t know what’s so hard for everyone to understand about me not wanting to have anything to do with him. I’ve been very vocal in the past about him being dead to me. Bradley insists I need to give him a second chance, but it’s no one’s decision but mine to decide what I need to do.

Gabby hasn’t been calling me like she usually does. I have sent her a few texts here and there, but I’ve been trying to just give us both some space until this hopefully blows over. I keep thinking that if I just wait it out, she’ll come to her senses and let him stay in her past. I know she’s curious, but I always say curiosity killed the cat. She needs to chill.

I feel like Joe is the only person I can discuss any of this with. He gets what is going on because he did the background search. Ryan is so busy with his residency. I feel like we barely see each other. When we do, we’re usually too busy not being able to keep our hands off of each other to talk about this kind of stuff.

I’ve missed having Gabby to talk to, but I’ve been thankful that Joe has stepped up to the plate. I haven’t told Ryan that we’ve gotten closer. I reassure myself that it’s okay. We’re practically family. He’s my boyfriend’s brother. There’s nothing wrong with me being friends with him. Especially since Joe and Bradley are so close. How could we not be close friends?

Except I know the reason I feel guilty is because of what I feel when I talk to him. It’s different than anything I’ve ever felt before. I’m determined to ignore it. Talk about curiosity. There’s nothing good that could come from us being anything more than just friends.

So why do I find myself sitting on my bed about to dial his number? Why can’t I just walk away? Why can’t I just leave well enough alone? Do I really need a friend that badly that I’d put my relationship with Ryan on the line for it? Or is it that I just want to talk to him so badly that I’m making excuses to justify it?

Just as I’m about to throw my phone across the room, it rings. I know who I want it to be, but it’s not. It’s Gabby. I sigh as I answer, “Hello.”

“Hey.” She sounds so down, and this is beyond awkward.

“Hey.”

“Bradley said he talked to you.”

“Yep.” I don’t want to have this conversation right now.

“Are you still coming to Atlanta tomorrow?”

No way am I asking why she wants to know this. I already know and I’m not opening the conversation for her to hound me. “I am.”

“Do you think you could come by and see Dad...meet Cindy and Evan?”

“No. Not happening. Not now and not ever.”

“Sam, he could die. We have a step-mom and a brother. We have a family,” she pleads.

“He’s already dead to me, Gabby,” I say calmly. “How many more times do I have to tell this to you?”

“People change, Sam. You can’t live your life holding grudges.”

“Gabby, let’s get something straight. I remember. I remember every single thing that he did.” I take a deep breath. Do I really want to go here? You better think twice Sam before you do this. “I remember you knocking the candy jar over, and it breaking into a million tiny little pieces.” I take a deep breath. “I remember the things he said to you, to my beloved little sister. I remember the sound of his hand making contact with your delicate skin as he hit you over and over again.”

“Sam.”

“You don’t remember, but I do. It’s not so easy for me to just move on with life. They say you should forgive and forget. Well you don’t have to forget. You’ve already done that.”

“That’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair. You’re right. It’s not fair that for all these years you’ve gotten to forget all these horrid details, and I have been haunted by them.” A tear falls down my cheek. “And it’s not fair that you expect me to just be able to forget them in the snap of a finger because karma has finally caught up to him.”

“I don’t know how you can be in school to be a doctor and say such horrible things!” she sobs.

“I can’t save someone who I already lost,” I hiss. How dare her question my intentions or my heart like that. Who does she think she is?

“But that’s it. You haven’t lost him. He’s inside the hospital, and you can have a second chance with him. Why are you being so stubborn?”

“He doesn’t want us or a second chance. He could have come back at any time and gotten us, but he didn’t. What makes you think he even cares that you’re back in his life?”

“If you’d talk to him, then you’d understand.”

My blood pressure must be through the roof. I hate raising my voice at her, but I’m so frustrated I could scream. “That’s it, though. I don’t want to understand, Gabby.”

“I don’t get that,” she growls back to me.

“You don’t have to get it.” I let my body collapse on my bed. This is so exhausting. “I just wish you’d respect it.”

“Fine. I’ll never mention it again. But you need to know that he’ll be at the wedding. So you’re going to have to come to terms with it between now and then.” She pauses. “I mean, unless you’re not going to come because he’s there.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to miss your wedding. But don’t expect me to give him the time of day.”

“Whatever. I need to go.”

“Yeah. Me...” She hangs up before I can even finish saying goodbye. In all these years she has never hung up on me. It hurts like a knife is being stabbed right into my heart. I grab my pillow and sob into it. I hate this. I wanted to plan the wedding with her. I wanted that to be a day we both shared and for it to be so special.

In true fashion, leave it up to Gabe Gerhart to spoil it all.

I move backwards and when I feel the bench behind my knees, I slowly sit. Starring into the distance, I try to process everything that she just said to me. After all of these years of swearing she wouldn’t tell me what he did, she did.

It’s frustrating to hear those things and not be able to remember them myself. I wish I could. I think for a moment and decide maybe I’m glad I can’t. Maybe it’s a blessing. Because if I remembered like Sam, maybe I wouldn’t be able to enjoy this new beginning.

I hadn’t even told Bradley that I wanted him at the wedding. Provided he wakes up and is okay. I don’t think Bradley would mind. He’s been encouraging me to make it right with him. He keeps saying that this is clearly a chance for me to make amends. That regardless of what he did, he’s my father. You only get one. You can either disown him for his faults, or you can accept who he is, love him for who he is, and try to make the best of the time you have in the future. You can’t get back the time in the past. You can’t change it. You can only make sure to learn and move forward.

I’ve thought a lot about it. At first I was very opposed to that. Mainly because of how that would affect Sam. But the more that I’ve gotten to know Cindy and Evan, the more I want this family. I know he’s right. It’s just hard because I want more. I want this family to include Sam. I want Sunday afternoon dinners with all of them. I want holidays with my entire family. My past was horrible. I went through so many bad things. This is my chance to turn it around. I didn’t have control over the past, but I do have control over the future. If I don’t make things right, I’ll have no one to blame for that other than myself.

It’s just that I don’t want to feel like I’m gaining three people, but losing Sam. There’s nothing I can do about it, though. I have to decide what’s more important, and that is where the strings of my heart are playing tug-of-war. I can’t choose practical strangers over Sam. The thought of losing Gabe, Cindy, and Evan so quickly after I chose them is more than I can fathom. It’s simple. I can’t choose. I have to find a way to have them all.