Forgiven (24 page)

I threw on a sweat suit because I know from what I went through with my mom that hospitals are always freezing. I thought after mom passed away, that I was done with needing to be in hospitals, certainly done with hospitals for parents. The overwhelming feeling that I have as I walk through those sliding doors is hard to describe.

I’ve just met him, and I feel like I’m already losing him. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a relationship, but now I feel like that decision is being stolen from me. It’s being taken away. It’s not on my terms. Some punk made it for me. For what? For a couple of dollars? I don’t understand what’s wrong with people.

Maybe he deserved it. Maybe this is karma catching up with him. I just can’t resign myself to believe that, though. I can’t resign myself to believe that he won’t be okay. I need time with him. All I’ve been able to think about on the way here was how I was the reason he was even there that late.

This is my fault.

I don’t know that I will be able to handle the guilt that will eat me alive if he were to die because of being at the shop late begging for my forgiveness. How will I ever be okay with that?

I prayed the entire way here for him to be okay. So that I can have another chance if I want one, and so I won’t have to know what it feels like for the rest of my life to know that he died because of me. My body starts to shake as we walk up to the desk. There is a security guard there. “Who are you here to see?”

“My dad. Gabe Gerhart.” I pause to keep the tears that threaten at bay.

Bradley fills in the rest for me. “He’s in the ICU.”

The guard makes a call and asks if we have permission to visit. When he hangs up he nods his head and points to the area in front of us. “Go down this hall. The elevators will be on your right. Take it to the 4th floor.” He motions to the left. “The ICU waiting room will be on your left after you exit. There’s an intercom for you to buzz to get to the nurses when you get up there.”

“Okay, thank you,” I whisper. We walk down the frigid, sterile corridor towards the elevator and up to the intensive care unit.

Bradley must notice that I’m shaking because he wraps his arms around me as the doors open and walks me into the quiet space. The hospital is pretty much a ghost town since visiting hours are over. When the doors close, he turns me around and pulls me close into a hug. He kisses the top of my head. “I wish I could tell you it’s gonna all be okay.”

“It’s okay that you can’t.”

“I wish I could take away all the pain that you have had to endure, do you know that?”

I nod and swallow. “That means a lot.”

“It’s the truth.”

The doors open to the fourth floor. Just as the security guard said, there’s nothing on the fourth floor other than the ICU. We barely have to move before we’re in the waiting room. This woman with blonde hair and eyes as beautiful and blue as Bradley’s walks over to me. I assume she’s Cindy. “You must be Gabby.”

“I am.” I smile. Not exactly how I thought I’d meet her. I have a moment where I realize I have a step-mom. I have a brother. I have a family. It’s mine if I want it. And I don’t think I realized how much I have wanted that until now. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” I look over to the boy on the couch playing a hand-held video game. He looks like Sam. Lighter hair, but his features look so much like her. He’s a mini-dad. “That must be...?”

“Evan. That’s Evan, he’s your half-brother.”

The tears that have threatened me since I got here escape. I cover my mouth and turn to Bradley and bury my face into his chest. He puts his hands on the back of my head and whispers, “Shh.” into my ear. “I got you, Gabby Girl. I got you.”

I don’t think it’s any one thing that has caused the flood gates to open. It’s a combination. It’s everything I learned tonight. It’s the assault. It’s meeting my step-mom and my brother for the first time. It’s going from essentially being an orphan to having a family that I might lose at any moment. It’s just too much. “I need to sit down, and I need water, please.”

Bradley pushes me back and down into an uncomfortable couch. “You want anything else?”

I shake my head. I look to Cindy. “I’m so sorry. It’s just a lot to take in all at once.”

She sits next to me. “Sweetie, I completely understand. I know about everything. I know this must be so hard and overwhelming for you.”

“You have no idea.”

“You’re right. I don’t. I can only imagine. I just know he loves you so much, Gabby.”

“He had a mighty funny way of showing it. Even after he got sober, he could have come back, but he didn’t.”

“Right. You’re exactly right. He’s lived with that his entire life. Trust me when I say that decision has tormented him.”

I bite my lip and proverbially my tongue because I can tell this could very well go to a not so great place quickly. “Whatever you say.” I have to change the subject. “So, how’s he doing?”

“The good news is he has been able to communicate with them and open his eyes. It appears as though this may not be as serious as we once thought.”

I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of my chest. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“Well, thank you for coming. Would you like to see him?”

Bradley is walking back up to me with water. I take a sip and give it back to him. “I would.”

She gets up and holds her hand out to me. I can’t be mad at her. None of this is her fault. I’m sure this is very hard on her, as well. I place my hand in hers and she helps me up to my feet. Bradley puts his arm around my waist and whispers in my ear, “You gonna be okay by yourself?”

I nod. “Uh huh. I think so.”

“I’ll be waiting here for you, then.” He kisses the side of my head as he lets me go.

Cindy and I walk to the entrance intercom. She buzzes the nurses and they let us in. “Do they not have visiting hours?”

“They just limit it to two visitors at a time and you’re not allowed to visit during shift change. We’re good.”

“Oh.”

We walk past the nurses’ station and into a room that is crammed packed with medical equipment, monitors, and a nurse is sitting at a laptop computer typing. I don’t think I was prepared for how he would look. I don’t know what I expected. He’s got two black eyes. He has a tube down his throat and an IV. He looks so different than what he looked like just hours ago.

Cindy pushes me towards his head and holds his hand, as she’s positioned closer to the foot of the bed. “Just talk to him Gabby. Let him know you’re here.”

I have no idea what to say or whether I can say anything at all without becoming too emotional. “Ahem...I guess I should start by apologizing. This is all my fault.” I look to Cindy. I guess I’m partially apologizing to her, too. “Had you not been there late with us, this...this wouldn’t have happened.” She hands me a tissue, and I dab my eyes. “I felt so many emotions when I left. I didn’t know what I wanted as far as a relationship with you goes. I need you to wake up, Dad. I need to know you’re going to be okay.” I start to sob uncontrollably. “I can’t watch another parent die. If you don’t wake up, the person who robbed you will be robbing me, too.”

Cindy rubs my back and puts her arm around my shoulders. “It’s okay, sweetie. This isn’t your fault.”

I nod, but I don’t believe her. It’s every bit my fault. We stand there for a few minutes, and then I decide to go back to Bradley. I don’t think I can stand watching him like that. No matter what he did, he’s never been dead to me. Deep down, I’ve always hoped that maybe things could have been different. This was my chance at a new life and it’s all about to be stripped away from me.

As I turn to leave, I am compelled to turn back. I look to the nurse. “He can hear me, right?”

“We always encourage visitors to talk normally to their loved ones, even if they are in a deep coma. Because he’s been communicating, we don’t believe he is in a deep coma. I think he can probably hear you.”

“Okay. Thank you.” I grab his hand and squeeze it. “I forgive you. I need you to know that I forgive you.” When I try to let go, he squeezes. He squeezes! I jump and look wide-eyed to Cindy. “He just squeezed my hand!”

The nurse smiles. “That’s a very good sign that he heard you. He has been more and more responsive.”

I can’t leave. I want to talk to him more. I want to know if he can hear me. “Dad, squeeze twice if you can hear me. Please,” I cry. I feel a slight squeeze and then another. I can feel the eyes of Cindy and the nurse on me. I look back between the both of them. “He did it.”

It’s been a week since the accident, and Dad’s been in and out of consciousness. The doctors say the prognosis is good. It just takes time for the swelling on the brain to go down. They said it’s hard to know how long it will take for someone to fully wake up, but usually when they are getting the response they are from him, then it’s less than four weeks.

I’m still in the middle of my semester, so I’ve not been able to be at the hospital as much as I would like. It’s been so hard. We can’t seem to stay away from hospitals lately. They make my skin crawl, my body cringe. The difference between this hospital situation and the other is that Bradley has been by my side every chance he’s gotten. He’s been incredible to me. I couldn’t ask for better support through this. Well, I could. My sister coming around would be very helpful. It would be nice to know that my family was complete.

I’ve only known Cindy a week. At first I thought she was being too nice, but I know now that she’s really one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I know this partially because of the support their church has offered. There is a buffet in the waiting room nearly every night from all the food they’ve brought to feed us.

I’ve talked to some of these people while mingling and waiting. There’s nothing else to do, but talk, pray, and eat. I haven’t met one single person who had a bad thing to say about Cindy. Furthermore, they haven’t had one single thing bad to say about my dad. He’s a deacon. It’s like he’s a totally different person than what I’ve been told all these years.

And then there’s Evan. If he’s any reflection of the parent Dad is capable of being, then he’s a mighty fine father. Evan couldn’t be any more well-mannered and polite. He may look nothing like me, but he and I share a similar disposition. He is quiet, smart, and introverted. He makes me smile every time I see him.

I can’t imagine what he must be going through finding out all of the sudden that you have two older sisters, all the while not knowing if your father is going to be okay. He seems to be holding up okay. He’s asked me about Sam. Every time I bring her up, it irritates me. She needs to be here.

Everyone is busy in the waiting room. There are small groups chatting. There are a few of the elders cleaning up the dinner spread. I’ve been sitting on the couch sipping a cup of coffee while Bradley rubs my back. It is nearly enough to put me to sleep.

I glance over to him. “I need to go call Sam.”

“I called Sam.”

“When did you call Sam?”

“I called her the morning after the accident. She doesn’t want to be here.”