If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (36 page)

Barrington
went to his wife, taking her hands within his own. “Baby, she can't hurt us
anymore; let's just be grateful for that.”

Perri
snatched her hands from his, not caring about the hurt that flashed in his
eyes. “You be grateful! I want justice!” She flung her gaze at Nia. “I'm
calling Chief Morris right now,” she announced.

“Perri,”
Barrington pulled her to his chest, refusing to let her go, though she
struggled against him with all her might. “Please, Perri, she's pregnant . . .
maybe with my baby—”

“What
are you saying, Barrington?”

“I
don't know,” he admitted.

“Do
you even hear yourself?”

“Yes.
I can't explain it, Perri, but if I'm responsible for another baby, I can't . .
. I have to know the truth. I have to, Perri. Please understand, Perri.
Please?”

“I
don't understand any of this.” Perri sniffled.

“I
know, baby. But if Nia is carrying my child and we send her to jail, what
then?”

“She
get's prosecuted, exactly as she deserves. And we get justice.”

“And
what becomes of her baby?” he challenged, hating the hurt in her eyes. “No
matter what, Perri, the baby Nia's carrying is innocent.”

“And
so is your daughter, Barrington. But that didn't stop Nia from stealing Imani
and taking off to another country with her, now did it?”

“Perri,
please, let's just wait until she has the baby.”

“And
then the baby will still be without its mother. So why wait?”

Imani
woke up crying.

Perri
said to her husband, “I don't believe you're doing this,” and walked off.

Two
weeks later, Perri still wasn't speaking to Barrington, even sleeping in the
guest bedroom—when she wasn't spending the entire night in Imani's room for
fear that she might get nabbed by that certifiable Nia. Perri swore if she
never saw that woman again it would be too soon.

Today
was the day Perri finally worked up the courage to confront her husband about
the status of their marriage and their family as a whole. Figuring the best way
to get it over with was just to do it, she said, “Barrington, I think it's best
if we separate, at least until our baby is born.” There, she'd said it.

“Perri,
you can't be serious.”
What was she thinking
?

“I
am serious, too, Barrington.”

“Perri—”

“Barrington,
I'm about to enter my third trimester.” She cradled her belly. “I can't bear
anymore stress from the strain of our relationship, period.”

“No,
Perri, stop it,” Barrington ordered. “You do not get to put a period where a
comma was meant to take up space. You do not just get to announce a separation
and have that be the end of it. I mean, come on, Perri, don't you think we
should discuss this?”

“Barrington,
please, okay?” Perri shook her head. “You could say some things and I could say
some things, but nothing, and I do mean nothing, is gonna change our situation.
I think Nia should be in a jail cell if not up under it, and you don't. End of
conversation.”

“No,
Perri, this is not the end of anything between us.” Barrington laughed but it
held no humor. “Perri, don't you see what you're doing here to us and our
family?”

“I'm
not doing anything here except trying to keep my sanity; I'm trying my level
best to keep it together as best as I can. Instead of thinking about yourself,
why don't you try being me, Barrington. For once, put yourself in my shoes. I
think you'll find I'm being extremely gracious considering everything I've been
put through because of that madwoman Nia.” Perri scratched her scalp. “You refusing
to let justice prevail is not helping our marriage at all.”

“Perri,
I'm just trying to do the right thing. I don't have a precut blueprint as to
how this uninvited drama is supposed to play itself out. But, baby, believe me
when I assure you that I am thinking of you, how you feel, and I am trying to
do what's right for all of us.”

“And
in your eyes the right thing represents letting Nia off the hook scot-free? No
bid to serve. No suspended sentence with parole. No justice. No nothing. So,
how do you think I'm supposed to feel about that? And I'm asking not just as
your wife, Barrington, but also as a human being, period.”

“Perri,
how many times have you told me that God is able to take care of folks far
better than we can?”

She
glared at him. “Don't you do that; don't you dare take something totally
unrelated I said and use it against me in said case.” Perri raised her chin. “I
won't stand for it, Barrington. I will leave you standing here talking to
yourself and I will not even think about hearing another word you have to say
anytime soon.”

Knowing
he'd pushed too far, but also that it was too late to backtrack now, Barrington
said, “But don't you see, Perri, that's exactly what I need you to do.” He
wanted to kiss away the hard frown lines in his wife's face. “I need you to
listen to me and even if you don't understand it, I need you to hear me out on
this issue.”

“You
hurt me,” Perri accused.

“And
now you're hurting me,” Barrington shot back.

“Barrington,
I'm trying to find a place in my heart to forgive you. And more than anything,
I don't want to hurt you anymore.”

“Then
don't. Okay, Perri? Just don't. It's just that simple, baby.”

“It's
not that simple; our circumstances are anything but simple, Barrington.”

“Why
can’t it be that simple, Perri?” he wanted to know.

“Because
it is just too hard for me, Barrington,” she shook her head, “I don't think you
realize just how hard this is for me. But it is, okay? It's just hard; too hard
to keep dealing with in my condition. I don't need any more aggravation in my
spirit and I don't need any more complications in my already too full of
disappointed life.”

“And
that's what I represent to you, Perri, aggravation and disappointment?”

“I'm
just saying, Barrington, we need a break.”

“I
don't need a break, Perri. Stop trying to speak for me.”

“Okay,
fine. I need a break then. Okay?”

“And
I don't get a say?”

“I
need time, Barrington. Please give it to me.”

“And
if I don't give it to you, Perri?”

“I'll
take it anyway.”

He
rolled his eyes. “Why am I not surprised?”

“I
don't need your permission, you know. I'm just being polite by asking.”

“Then
why ask me for something you plan on taking anyway, Perri?”

“Because,
Barrington, together, we've still got kids to consider.”

“But
you're not really considering them, are you, Perri?”

She
snorted. “I won't even dignify that ignorant comment.”

“Because
you can't,” he accused, resenting her selfish attitude.

“No.
It’s because you're wrong. You're hurt, Barrington, and you're mad because you
can't have your way.”

“You
mean like you want to have yours, Perri?”

“The
only thing I wanna have is peace, and right now I can't get that by being here
with you.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings.”

“Are
you, Perri?”

“More
than you know, Barrington.” She sniffled. “But I need space from you.”

Barrington
rubbed the back of his neck, thinking. “Say I do give you space, Perri. Then
what happens next?” He shrugged in defeat. “Where do we go from there, baby? Do
you know of a way for us to get back to sharing the same space? Baby, give me a
timeframe to work with.”

“How
long does it take to heal a broken heart?”

Barrington
looked at her dumbfounded.

“And
that's what we're dealing with here,” she shrugged, “my broken heart over your
unjust decision. That one choice, Barrington, has cost you in a way I know you
never meant to have to pay. But that's what this has come to, okay? I don't
know of any other way to say it.” Perri took a deep breath. “I know I need to
forgive you, Barrington, but right now, I'm just not there yet. I'm so mad at
you all I can feel is the hurt of your betrayal.” She shook her head ruefully.
“Beyond that, all I can feel is pain; pain that you helped put me through. It
doesn't matter it wasn't intentional because your decision to keep Nia out of
jail was intentional, and I don't know in all honesty if I can ever forget, let
alone forgive that.”

Desperate
for any sign of hope, Barrington encouraged, “Then try to remember the times
we've shared together, Perri; maybe then, baby, some old memory of our good
times will make you care for me again.”

Perri
couldn't shield the tears. “I will always care for you, Barrington,” she vowed,
swiping tears from her eyes. “I just can't live with you right now.”

“The
grief in his voice matched the pain in her eyes. “Then tell me when, Perri. How
long do you think I have to suffer before you're finally satisfied?”

Unable
to supply him with the answer he was looking for, Perri turned away.

Barrington
was determined to push past the hurt he felt watching his wife turn her back to
him. Unable to accept they'd reached the end, forcing one foot ahead of the
other, he walked around his wife and stood directly in front of her. “Can you
please answer that for me, Perri? Please?” At this point he didn't mind begging
if that's what it took to bring back the love of his wife.

“You're
not being fair, Barrington,” she said, not looking up.

He
stroked the back of her hair. “I'm trying to keep my family together, here. I'm
sorry if that offends you, baby, but, fair is not an option here. Now, please
answer my question. And I want you to look at me when you say it so that I can
look into your beautiful chocolate brown eyes—to see for myself—whether you're
telling me the truth. Look at me, Perri. Please look at me, baby.”

Her
spirit warred inwardly and as much as her flesh did not want to, Perri looked
up seeing Barrington in her own personal space. He was too close. Her heart
soared to the sky. She pushed it back down, roughly.
He will not gain the
upper hand
.

“I
could make a million promises, Barrington, but it still won't change where we
are right now, and it isn't right to stay together when we only bring each
other pain.”

“It
isn't right to break our family up, Perri, no matter what, and just because you
think it's the only answer doesn't change the fact that it's wrong.”

They
just stared at each other, distant silence stretching out between them,
separating them even more.

Perri
broke the trance, needing to do something other than stand there, appearing the
fool that she felt, so she averted her gaze to the floor, staring at nothing in
particular. She knew Barrington was hurting, she felt his hurt; it was the same
hurt she was feeling in her own soul. She half hoped and half expected him to
make a comment about her fidgeting or something. But to her grave
disappointment there was nothing but silence from him.

Taking
a chance, on a deep sigh, Perri glanced up at him. He stared on. But this time
instead of a gulf that separated them in mere distance, she saw in his
beautiful eyes compassion, drawing her in. She had all of his attention, and
for a nanoo second, she was tempted to fall in to his arms.
Almost
. But
almost doesn't count, and neither did she yield to her temptation. Still, there
was no mistaking the safety she witnessed in his eyes, as honest as they were.
Perri felt compelled to say something, but her pride had her mouth dry as
cotton in a slave master's field.

“Perri,”
Barrington broke the deafening silence. “I'm not gonna say no one will ever
love you. It would be a boldfaced lie, because you're a very lovable person.”
He paused, seeming to gage how she'd registered his words thus far. “But no one
will ever love you like
I
love you; that much I can safely assure you,
sweet Perri.”

He
sounded as possessive as ever to her. Though Perri had plenty to say, she
stared at him wordlessly.

“Go
ahead, Perri. I know you got a thing or two to say.”

Clearing
her throat unnecessarily, Perri said, “Love has never been the problem between
us, Barrington. Never has it been a lack of it; we've always suffered from too
much of it. This time love just isn't enough. I need more. I believe you do,
too. Am I wrong?”

Barrington
wished he could disagree, but damned if he could.

“No,”
she answered for him. “And I can't . . . I won't settle for less than a man who
has my back wholeheartedly. Especially,” she raised a weak hand stopping his
protest, “when that man is my husband.”

“Perri,
I . . .”

“Chose
to leave my peace of mind hanging in the balance in order to take that dreadful
woman's side; I know, Barrington. I know.”

“You
don't know anything, Perri,” he snapped. “At least not what's going on in my
heart, but there was a time though . . . . Barrington stopped. He had been
going to say there was a time when she could read his heart without words, knew
his heart with just a look in his eyes. He could say that because for him it
had been the same way with her.

Taking
up his pause, Perri picked up the path where he trailed off. “Is love enough to
repair what was torn down? Rebuild what we lost?”

“I
think it is.”

“I
think you're kidding yourself and me.”

“Love
is enough, Perri.”

“What
dream world are you living in, Barrington?”

“Baby,
I don't care how much time passes away, how far apart two people go astray;
love doesn't vanish away. It just simply doesn't work that way.”

“Barrington
. . .”

Perri,
love doesn't let go; love stays and fights. Love isn't just something you do;
it's a part of who you are in your heart.”

“Barrington
. . .”

“I'm
not giving up on you, Perri, you got that? I won't let you bury us alongside
your grief.”

Tired
of sharing the same space with Barrington and needing her own, Perri crossed to
the other side of the room. She stared out at her beautiful pink and white
roses. She wondered why her life couldn’t be that sweet as she tried to taper
the anger she felt toward her husband. His words were like a slap in her face.
Finally turning to face Barrington, her eyes stilled on him emotionless. “I
didn't bury us, Barrington. You did when you chose Nia over me. And honestly,
you’ve taken me to a place I’m not sure I can come back from.”