If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (40 page)

“I
won’t argue with you there, Ms. Mattie.”

“Son,
every choice we make always affects somebody else, and for every choice there
is a consequence, because we reap what we sow, and there is no exception to
that rule of life.” Mattie shook her head sadly. “Two years ago, Perri made a
choice to withhold the truth that she was pregnant with your child. The
consequences of her mistake are still being played out today. So don’t you let
my loving, but foolish granddaughter bully you into accepting blame that’s not
yours to own where Imani is concerned, son. I love Perri with all my heart and
I’d die for her without pause. But I won’t deny her wrongdoing. And I have told
her exactly how I feel about her deception toward you.”

“I’m
sure all that did was make my wife more pissed off at me,” Barrington said
dejectedly.

Mattie
chuckled. “Perri missed out on a lot losing her parents so young; all three of
my girls did.” She shook her head. “There is no substitution for the hole in
your heart that losing your biological parents causes.”

Barrington
took her hand and squeezed it lovingly. “Ms. Mattie, you raised an outstanding
woman in Perri; she was blessed to have you after her parents passed away.”

Mattie’s
smile was sad. “No, son, you couldn’t be more wrong. I made mistakes where all
my girls are concerned. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. You do the
best you can with where you are and what you have to work with at the time.
Then you pray; take your hands off the situation, and leave it in God’s capable
hands the rest of the way. The definition of insanity is doing the same old
things and expecting different results. But this one thing I know for sure; if
you got the want to, God got the can do. The question is: how bad do you want
it? Because the truth is, if you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to
do something you’ve never done. You take your time and think about that, son.”

Barrington
kissed Mattie’s hand and nodded.

Mattie
chuckled. “Now, what do you say you take me to see my new great-granddaughter?”

Barrington
got to his feet, gently helping Mattie to her feet. “I’ll take you anywhere you
wanna go, Ms. Mattie.”

***

“Son
. . .” Bobby squeezed Barrington’s shoulder.

All
Barrington could do was cry as his daddy embraced him.

“Why
are you out here, son? You should be in with your wife.”

“Well,
I'm not out here because I want to be. My
wife
doesn't want me in the
room with her. Not that I blame her. All I've done for the past year is, cause
her more hurt, pain and suffering than any one woman should have the burden of
bearing.”

“What
good is sitting out here having a pity party doing you?”

“I
don't want to cause Perri anymore pain, Daddy.”

“Which
means what, son? Because in a situation like this pain is inevitable.”

“Right
now, until she's had time to come to terms with the loss of our son, and that I
made the only choice I could, I need to honor her wishes and stay away.”

“I
think you're making a grave and irreversible mistake.”

Barrington
shrugged. “Then it'll just be another one in a long string of many.” Changing
the subject, he asked, “You wanna go see your new granddaughter?”

Bobby
couldn't help the grin that spread across his lips, as he nodded. “I wish I
were going to see my new grandson, too,” he said, following Barrington to NICU.

Three
days later, Barrington waited until he walked inside his home and, unable to
hold back any longer, he gave in to tears he'd tried so hard to resist. After
what seemed an eternity, he pulled himself together. “What am I gonna do?” he
asked of the empty space surrounding him, crowding him, trapping him. “God, I
know I can't make Perri love Jordy; but I can't turn my back on my daughter,
either.” He studied the photo in his hand again. It hurt to see her now,
because no matter how she got here, she was part of him. A part he couldn't and
wouldn't deny. He took a deep breath as Perri came to mind.

How
was he going to break the news to Perri? She'd already lost so much at Nia's
hands. And now, so shortly after losing their son, Perri was going to have to
deal with the reality that her husband shared a newborn baby girl with her
sworn enemy. Life just wasn't fair. How much pain was his woman supposed to
take? That was his last thought as he grabbed his keys, knowing he needed to be
with his wife.

“Ma?”
Barrington was surprised to see her when he opened the door.

“Were
you going somewhere, son?” Linda asked sharply.

Barrington
sighed deeply, recognizing
that
tone. “Ma, I don't have time for this
right now.”

“Make
time.” Linda strode past him and to the living room, waiting for her son.

As
expected, Barrington closed the door and followed his mother. “What?”

Linda
glared at him. “First of all, change your tune, boy. I don't care if this is
your home; you do not disrespect me with that tone.

Frustrated,
Barrington said, “So you want an apology?”

“That's
a good place to start. And I said cut the attitude.”

“Sorry,
Ma,” Barrington didn't have time for this, so decided to toe the line.

“Apology
accepted.” Linda took in her son's appearance and knew he hadn't slept or eaten
in God knows when. “Barry, I know you love Perri, but son, you've got to take
care of yourself before you can hope to be up to taking care of her.”

“Is
this what you came all the way over here to tell me? May I please go now, Ma?”

Linda
narrowed her eyes dangerously. “I said, you need to take care of you first so
that you can go on and take care of your wife,” she repeated in a no-nonsense
tone.

Barrington
rolled his eyes. “In case you haven't heard, Ma, Perri doesn't want my care; in
fact, she doesn't want my love anymore, let her tell it.”

Refusing
to feel sorry for her son, Linda told him, “She's angry, Barry. You hurt her in
a way that being a man, you'll never be able to understand, son.”

Barrington
sighed deeply. “But I'm trying, Ma,” he snapped. “I don't get credit for that?”
He was tired of being made to feel like the villain while Perri racked up sympathy
points for her ‘what about me, what about me, what about me’ attitude, and he
was sick and tired of it all. Sure he'd made a huge mistake; one that had cost
him dearly. But hadn't he paid enough? Besides, it's not even like Perri hadn't
equally made her contribution in the mistake department. So why was everybody
up in his face, like her shitty, uncalled for attitude didn't stink?

“She
just lost her baby—”

“It
was my baby, too!” he shouted. “Or don't I get acknowledged for that, either?
She didn’t make our son by herself; I did have a little something to do with
it, too. Hell, she didn’t even want another kid, if you really wanna know the
truth.” As quick as that statement left his loose lips, Barrington wanted to
reach up in the air and snatch those careless words back out of the universe
even quicker. “Ma, I really need to go now, you’re making me say things I don’t
really want to say about my wife. I love my wife more than my own life and I
would gladly die for her.” He couldn’t help the tears that rolled down his face
unchecked. “I don’t mean to uncover Perri’s nakedness for anybody to see, not
even you, Ma, and I know you love her, too. But the fact of the matter is I
share the same grief as Perri for the loss of our son.”

“Yes,
Barrington, it was your son, too,” Linda acknowledged. “But that's not how you
acted when it mattered to your wife the most, son.”

“Excuse
me?”

“Oh,
boy, stop being so selfish and, for once, think about your wife.”

“My
wife is all I've been thinking about, Ma.” He sighed deeply, hurt at his
mother's inaccurate accusation. “Since the day I entered back into Perri's
life, I've been singlehandedly fighting for us, for our family. A family Perri
fought tooth and nail not to be part of. So don't expect me to take all the
blame; I accept my fair share, but no more than that, Ma. Perri has to accept
some responsibility for her part in this mess of a marriage we've got now.”

“You
left her, Barry, to go be with another woman, who by her own trickery, gave
birth to your child. A child, up until two weeks ago, you knew nothing about,”
Linda reminded him. “So what, you have to do a little more work, boy? Isn't
your wife worth it?” She lifted her chin. “Or is all that love you claim to
have for Perri suddenly of no value anymore?”

“I
love my wife! And I resent the insinuation otherwise.”

“And
maybe, Barry, if you get rid of that resentment, which is nothing more than
foolish pride, you'd actually be of some help to your wife now.”

“You
wanna discuss pride, Ma? Well, Perri has more pride than any one person is
allowed in one lifetime,” he accused.

“Once
again, son, Perri just lost a baby. She has to go through this.” Linda
impatiently raised a hand to halt his forthcoming argument. “Trust me; I know
what I'm talking about, Barry. My God I was her once upon a time.”

Barrington
whipped his head up at that comment. “What?” He was shocked as his mind
immediately went to his brother’s confession. There were all kinds of skeletons
in his family’s closet; and it seems all of them were choosing to come out of
the closet and step into the light of day now. And how ironic was that when all
he felt like doing was go hideaway in a rabbit hole?

“That's
right, Barry. You're not your father's and my first born. But you were the
first baby I was able to successfully carry to term, that lived.”

Barrington
was speechless; he could only stare at his mother.

“You
and Crush had an older sister; she was stillborn,” Linda revealed. “And like
you with Perri, your father thought I, too, should just 'get over it', but I can
tell you firsthand it's just not that easy. It's a process to deal with grief.
I had to go through it and Perri has to go through it. It's the only way, son.
It's the only way, because as a mother who has lost a child, you feel what you
feel, and those feelings can't be denied.”

Barrington
felt awful. “I'm sorry, Ma. I didn't realize.” He shook his head, still in
disbelief, “If I'd only known, Ma.”

“You
would still feel what you feel, Barry. That's what I'm trying to get you to
realize about Perri, son. You know all the pain she went through thinking you'd
played her for a fool and left her the first time. You compounded that pain and
magnified that hurt when you left her on her own just to go be by Nia's side.
And while that woman had successfully bamboozled you, as she set you up and
gave birth to your daughter, Perri—your wife—suffered the loss of your son.
Give her some time.”

“How
much time?” he wanted to know. “It's been two weeks, Ma. How long do I have to
suffer?”

Raising
her voice, Linda said, “Once again, Barrington Rashaad Knight, I'm gonna warn
you to stop being so selfish.”

He
looked at her surprised; she'd never talked to him like that before, made him
feel so small, and Barrington hoped he'd never again be on the receiving end of
this particular wrath coming from his mother.

“You
talk about how long you have to go through. What about Perri? That poor child
was alone when she went into labor and she was alone in that birthing room when
you decided to sacrifice your child in order to save your wife.”

“I
didn't know that at the time I left our house, Ma. How was I supposed to know
she would go into labor that very night? She still had three weeks to go. And
when I made that decision I honestly thought I was losing Perri.”

“Because
Nia had it set up that way; open your eyes, Barry. After all the traps and
schemes Nia's put you through, you need to finally wake up and see your wife's
point of view. Because through her eyes, your actions were not only a betrayal
to your marriage, it was a betrayal to Perri's very soul.”

Barrington
opened his mouth to say something, but quickly clamped it shut. “I just want my
wife back, Ma,” he said after thinking about the things she said.

“You're
the head of the house, Barry. Be a man and get your house in order,” Linda
firmly stated, refusing to give him any room for a pity party, lest he continue
to focus on his own pain instead of his wife and what she needs from him. “By
God's design, Perri is the weaker vessel, son. Be a husband to your wife.” She
enfolded him in her loving, mother embrace, kissing both his cheeks. “Barry,
Perri loves you; she's disappointed in you, but she loves you. For now that
will have to be enough for you to go through this for as long Perri needs you
to. It’s going to take as long as it takes, son. If you want your family back,
you've got to realize your wife is worth the wait.”

After
seeing his mother off before Barrington could leave the house, his phone rang.
He cursed and snatched it up. “Hello?”

“Yes,
may I please speak with Mr. Knight?”

“Speaking,”
he responded tersely to the female on the other end.

“Oh,
Mr. Knight, I'm Nurse Stevens, calling from Mercy Medical Center,” she stated.

Barrington
clutched the phone thinking Perri may've been admitted back in. “Is it my
wife?” He hadn't seen or talked to Perri since she lost their son. Not because
he hadn't tried to see her; on the contrary, he'd all but kidnapped her, trying
to get a moment alone with her. But her sisters' weren't having it, refusing to
let him within two feet of his own wife. And out of respect for Perri's
emotional well-being Barrington hadn't fought like he wanted to. “Is Perri
okay?”

Confused,
Nurse Stevens said, “Sir, I'm calling on behalf of Nia Eusebio.”

Barrington
rolled his eyes at the mention of her name. “What about her?” He glanced at his
watch; he really needed to get over to Perri's parents' home and, hopefully his
two sisters-in-law would be out, which would grant him access to Perri. He
really hoped Mattie were there, that way, he'd be guaranteed an entrance to see
his wife.

“Mr.
Knight, I don't know of any easy way to say this; but Ms. Eusebio was rushed
into emergency surgery just under an hour ago.”

Concerned
for his daughter, he demanded, “What for?”

“Well,
she started to bleed internally and the doctor couldn't stop her from
hemorrhaging. Already too late, we discovered one of her ovaries was punctured
during labor and we apparently missed it.” Nurse Stevens sighed sympathetically,
“I'm sorry, Mr. Knight, but Ms. Eusebio didn't make it.”

“Oh,
God . . .” Barrington released a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding.

“You
were listed as her next of kin; we need to know how you want to handle the
situation. Of course, we'll need to perform an autopsy,” she informed him.
“Then, Mr. Knight, there's still you and Ms. Eusebio's daughter to consider. As
you know, she's a breastfed baby; we're bottle feeding her for now, but since
she has no other relatives to call, we thought you might like to—”

“I'll
be right there.” Barrington hung up and jetted to the door. Knowing his
daughter needed him, he sped all the way back to Mercy Medical Center. He
called his mother to meet him there. Then like clockwork, his mind settled on
Perri once again; Barrington needed to be with his wife now more than ever and
prayed it wasn't too late to reclaim his family. Jordy came to his mind and he
prayed God would soften Perri's heart toward his youngest daughter. He had to.