If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (42 page)

After
a brief hesitation, Barrington said, “Hey, baby.” He swallowed hard.

Unable
to move, Perri stared at him. The sight of him made her sick to her stomach,
and at the same time, she wanted to run into his arms for the comfort she knew
only he could provide. She felt worse than hell, and at the time, she knew she
looked a pure-d mess, and probably smelled worse since she hadn't bothered to
bathe in two days.

Barrington
cautiously entered the bedroom, made his way to the bed where she lay. His
heart broke watching his wife's body so limp . . . so lifeless. She was frail
as any helpless elderly person he'd ever seen. Even in the queen size bed she
looked small to him. He knelt before her.

Chocolate
brown eyes met and held the gaze of longing eyes the color of yellow-green.
Through their eyes they were watching God. To Perri it seemed all hope was
lost, and now they'd have to part. She wanted to turn her back on him like he'd
done her. Her body betrayed her and she couldn't move . . . could barely
breathe, without wanting to run to him.
So much for a will of my own
,
she thought bitterly. But did she really have enough love to keep holding on?

Barrington's
hand shook as he gently laid it on Perri’s stomach, causing her to recoil like
he was a rattle snake. She witnessed the hurt and fear in his eyes but didn't
care. He deserved to feel bad and she hoped he felt worse. He placed his hand,
which was now steady, back on her stomach. Perri didn't have the energy to
shake him off a second time, so she tolerated the feel of his hand, as he
gently rubbed her belly in soothing circles. She resented the fact that she
wished he was trying to turn her on. Why did she even still want him after what
he did? How could she even still melt underneath his touch, whether with his
eyes or with his hands? She wanted to throw up, but all she could feel was his
love for her and the son they'd lost. Unable to stop herself, she cried.

Perri
couldn't stand his gentleness anymore, pushing his hand off her belly.

“Baby
. . . I'm so sorry.” Barrington sighed heavily. “I'm so sorry.”

“Get
out,” she commanded on a sob.

“Perri,
I can't do that,” Barrington said calmly.

“Haven't
you caused me enough loss and pain in one lifetime, Barrington?”

“Yes,”
he admitted.

“And
you're not satisfied? You have to cause me more?”

He
shook his head, no.

 “Answer
me, damn you,” she demanded on another broken sob.

“I
don't wanna hurt you, baby.”

“What
then, Barrington? Why are you here?”

“You
won't come home, Perri, so I came to you. Baby, we need to talk.”

“I
don't need another long talk about what's wrong with you and me.”

“Then
maybe you could just listen to me.”

“And
I don't need another conversation about the way we're supposed to be.”

“Baby,
emotionally, I see you're gone from me. I'm here to bring you back.”

“Then
you also see, after everything I've been through, I don't have to just 'get
over it' just because you want me to.”

“Baby,
I know I hurt you bad. The decision I made, it cost you dearly.”

“We
don't have a baby anymore,” she blurted, “if that's your concern.”

Tears
came to his eyes. “I know, baby. But I need you to understand.”

“I
understand, Barrington, more than you know. All I know is life is precious.
Birth is about life; it represents new life. That's what I know and that's what
I understand. What you don't seem to know, understand or even care is how hard
it is for me to live with the fact that I gave birth to someone that was
already dead. Not because he had to be. Oh, no. It was because you chose to let
him die and not me. How—” her voice cracked, she sobbed and sniffled for a
moment. “How could you make such a stupid decision? You had to have known I
would want my child to live, even if I had to die to make that happen.”

Barrington
lost it, “How could you ask me such a stupid question? Baby, you had to have
known I would not let you go that easy. Perri, that was the hardest thing I've
ever had to do, but it wasn't much time; a decision had to be made and I
couldn't look back.” Fighting back his emotions in order to deal with hers, he
said, “Perri, you, I already knew and loved. Our baby, though I loved him, I
hadn't gotten to know him yet.”

“And
thanks to you, you never will.”

He
ignored that remark, determined to fix things with his wife. “Which meant my
loyalty was to you; I bonded with you and made a vow to you, Perri, to keep
you, love you in sickness and in health 'till death do us part. You didn't have
to die, baby, and I wasn't going to let you, knowing I could help you and I
will never apologize to anyone for that.”

“And
you actually thought I would be okay with that?”

“What
I thought? Baby, I didn't have time to sit down and think. For the last time,
baby girl, it was an emergency—your life was hanging in the balance.”
Barrington shrugged indifferently. “But had I had the time to think, I'm sure I
would have thought, Perri, that instead of being angry you're not dead, you'd
grateful you were alive to still be a Mommy to the healthy child that you
already have. You do remember Imani, right?”

Perri
rolled her eyes at him hard.

“So
I . . .”

“Chose
your wife's life over your baby, yeah, I’m aware, Barrington.” She laughed and
didn't know why. “Which is really absurd considering you left that same wife to
be by your other baby's momma side.” Her stomach recoiled at the very thought;
she could just see him, coaching that woman through the birth of their baby.
The image was sickening. This time Perri did throw up . . . right down in
Barrington's lap.

“It's
okay, baby.” Barrington brushed the stray strands of hair out of Perri's eyes
as she lay back in the bed. “Be right back.” He went to the bathroom, washed
up, and emerged with two cool, damp wash cloths; he laid one over Perri's
forehead and used the other to clean her face up.

Barrington
had stripped down to his briefs. Damn if she didn't feel a tingle in her lower
region. Perri quickly checked her body, forcing it to be still and understand
she was in charge. However, her heart turned against her, softening toward him
when she glimpsed his red-rimmed and swollen eyes. He'd been crying. She hadn't
noticed before; it bothered her that she cared now.

“Baby,
I know you aren't eating and I know you need to.” Barrington knew he was
babbling, but he needed communication between them. He felt Perri’s pain and it
almost knocked the wind out of him. “I'm sorry, baby. I hurt you. I'm so sorry.
I wasn't there for you and our baby when I swore I'd take care of you both.”
Tears flowed down his face and he closed his eyes at the onset of the
tremendous heartbreak. “Now our son's gone. God, If I'd only known what would
happen, Perri . . . but I didn't know, baby, I didn't know. Or I swear I'd have
never left your side.”

Whispering,
“Déjà vu,” she looked at him. “We've been here before. Frankly, Barrington, I'm
tired of visiting this place; too many pain-filled memories; too much heartache
to take.” Perri turned away. “I wanna go home.”

Barrington
was hopeful. “I'll take you, baby.”

“You
can't take me home; you don't know the way to heaven.”

Barrington
felt like he'd been sucker-punched in the gut. He struggled to breathe
normally, but his heart accelerated faster than the normal pace. “Baby, you can't
mean that you . . . .”

He
couldn't even finish the thought, much less say the words. “You can't, baby.
Sweet Perri, you're too precious to go out like that. I know you miss our son,
I do, too. But, Perri, we've still got a daughter to think about and she needs
you . . . I need you, baby. My family is my world,” he announced to no one in
particular.

That
made her angry, Perri turned to face him. “Well, you sure didn't think much
about caving your world in when you left me to be with that despicable woman.
It doesn't matter that she was carrying your child; it was without your
knowledge or consent. Why are you even here now? You should be at the police
station pressing charges against her for stealing your sperm and having herself
impregnated with it!” The very thought of such madness made Perri throw up
again.  And Barrington was right there, cleaning her up . . . taking care of
her . . . angering her.

“There's
something else we need to discuss, Perri.”

She
promptly showed him the back of her head.

He
ignored her get-out-of-my-face body language. “About Nia—”

“I
don't wanna hear anything about that woman, Barrington!”

“Baby—”

“No!
I mean it, Ba—”

“She's
dead, Perri,” he rushed the words out.

What?
Wait. What?
“W—what?” she stammered, turning to
face him again.

Barrington
blinked back tears. “She died, Perri. There was some kind of mishap with her
ovaries; they punctured without the doctor knowing it. I don't know. But she
died.”

For
the next twenty minutes, Barrington tried to explain to Perri how even in the
end, Nia had tricked him into coming to her aid. Told her how Nia had planned
the whole thing months in advance.

“Apparently,
Nia’s pregnancy was considered high-risk because she was borderline diabetic
and was prone to bouts with high blood pressure. Baby, she lied to her doctor
leading her to believe that I was her fiancé and I spent a lot of time on the
road. But that I intended to be there for the birth, and she and I had already
decided that if it came down to a choice between mother and child, we were
going to choose for our baby to live. Like that was the noble thing to do or
something, I guess, I don't know. But, anyway, because of my stupidity, her
plan worked like an ace of spades; that is until her house of cards came
tumbling down, leaving a rippling domino effect in her quake. Because I'm sure
Nia never actually thought anything would happen to her, taking her away from
the baby she so desperately wanted and believed she deserved.”

Barrington
went on to tell her of Nia's will that she specifically stated she wanted him
and his new wife, Perri, to raise her daughter, whom she'd already decided to
name, JourDarien, Jordy for short. He made the fatal mistake of asking Perri
how she felt about it. “Baby, do you think you can help me raise Jordy?”

“Hell,
no!” Perri yelled, her body shaking with each word. “I will not, could not, I
would not ever raise that woman's baby!”

“What
about my baby, Perri? Jordy's my baby, too.”

It
suddenly dawned on Perri his motive for being there. “That's why you're here,”
she accused, “to get me to raise that heifer's baby.” She was livid. “It has
nothing to do with your concern for me; you're just concerned about finding a
replacement mother for your kid.” She glared at him. “Well, Barrington, I’m not
the one, so you can just get the hell out!” Perri shook her head. “I'm not
trying to hear that nonsense, or shall I say madness.”

“Perri,
haven't we lost enough innocent babies here?” Barrington regretted the comment
when he saw the pain, hurt, and shame clouding his wife's beautiful chocolate
brown eyes. Then he glimpsed the anger, doing his best to brace himself for her
rage that, like clockwork, was sure to follow. He was right, too.

Perri
cursed Barrington for all he was worth, which, at the moment, wasn't much in
her eyes. She let out so many expletives, she scared herself. She wanted to kill
him. She wanted to raise Nia from the dead and kill her. She wanted to tell
their baby how much she hated her and her sorry, silly, psycho butt mother. She
wanted to raise her son from the dead, take him and her daughter far, far away
from Barrington.

But
there was nowhere to go, no place to hide that he wouldn't turn this earth
upside down until he found her. At that moment, Perri knew the bittersweet
truth. She was never going to be free of him. She tried to accept fate, telling
herself it was her destiny. Whether she liked it or not Barrington was always
going to be there, and she was always going be tied to him. And while she
couldn't help that, she'd be damned if she was going to raise him and Nia's
kid. Perri knew it wasn't that baby's fault. But you know what? Damn it, it was
not her fault, either! That knowledge was slowly choking the life out of her.
She started to hyperventilate, something she'd never done in her life . . .
until now. She threw the covers off, determined to get the hell away from the
man who caused her so much heartache.

“Perri,
stop,” Barrington tried to stop her from getting up.

“Let
go of me, you bastard!”

“Perri,
damn it, I am still your husband, so if I have to have you committed to the
psychiatric ward just to make sure you don’t hurt yourself or starve to death,
I
promise
you I will do it.”

“You
cannot be serious?”

“Try
me, baby. You haven’t eaten in weeks, Perri. Do you honestly think I’m gonna
let you slowly commit suicide just to spite me, or Nia?”