If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (44 page)

“Amen.”
He smiled. “God is pleased with you, Perri. I know He is because He answered my
prayer.”

“He
answered
our
prayers,” she lovingly corrected him.

“Thank
You, Jesus,” Barrington praised. Unable to take his eyes off Perri, he felt led
to make love to his wife, again . . . naked and not ashamed.

***

That
night, holding his sleeping wife's warm body, Barrington lay wide-awake in bed,
thinking about his sudden and seemingly too full life and felt he didn't have
enough time to divide his attention among the tasks he knew he needed to be
performing.

He
had been going back and forth all night toying with the surprising thoughts
that came to his mind and, not for the first time, Barrington seriously
considered retiring from the R&B music scene. Having sang all his life—not
all secular, of course, but still, he'd been singing all his life, making him
wonder what he would do if he did give it all up. Granted, the early years of
his life mostly consisted of singing gospel or a cappella and he had made his
mark and done exceptionally well in that area of music; but as he grew older
his heart had become the soulful and sultry sounds of R&B, so he honestly
could not picture a life where he wasn’t up on somebody’s stage belting out
lyrics, while couples made babies, listening to him and Crush on CD—where he
all too happily—provided the background music for the sole purpose of ‘getting
them in the mood’ so to speak.

Lyrical
love was the phrase that came to his mind, making him wonder if he could give
his life to the Lord and still sing secular music. With so many questions and
not one possible answer for himself, Barrington wound up being mostly confused.
The more he thought about it, the more it seemed to keep him confused.
Do I
have to give up R&B to please God?
Barrington wondered at the same time
Perri turned over in his arms. Smiling big and bright, she snuggled closer to
him like she wanted to step inside him or something and, Barrington just lost
all train of thought as he proceeded to kiss his wife offering himself and
giving her what he knew she wanted and needed from him at the moment. Truth is
he needed it just as much as his sweet Perri, if not maybe even more.

***

“Baby,
why you don’t backup dance for the locals anymore?” Barrington looked at Perri,
a serious expression plastered on his face. “You and Journey, why y’all don’t
still dance?” he wondered again. “Before when you were pregnant I can see why;
but after you had Imani you never went back to dancing. Why, baby?”

Caught
off guard, Perri stopped sketching, looking in his direction. “Where did that
question come from, Barrington?”

He
hunched his shoulders. “Just wondering,” he remarked nonchalantly.

It
was more to it that that but her spirit knew not to press. “Oh,’ was all Perri
said, taking a moment to consider his question, then gave him her full
attention. “You know, baby, after our parents’ died and Madear took Hunter,
Tyler and me in, she said something very profound that none of us has ever
forgotten.” Perri had to smile at the attentive expression on Barrington’s face
as he watched and waited for her to continue.

“After
the funeral, Madear tucked the three of us in the same bed, because we refused
to sleep apart,” she laughed at the memory. “Then she told us that everything
in life happens for a reason, and, even though we were still too young to
understand the reason why God saw fit to take both our parents as the same
time, we could rest assured that He doesn’t ever make mistakes. He knew what He
was doing and He knew the circumstances surrounding the events that would take
them out of here and away from us for good on this here present earth.

“Tenderly
and lovingly kissing each one of us on the forehead, Madear went on to ask us
individually what we would give up for the Kingdom.” Closing her eyes, Perri
recited Madear’s exact words, “Your Mama and Daddy were willing to sacrifice
spending the summer with you girls' to obey God when He asked them to serve as
missionaries in Africa instead. It made them sad that they’d have to leave you
girls’ behind, but they knew you'd be in good hands with me; so after God
confirmed His request of them, John and Mary prepared to carry out His wishes.
Not because they wanted to be deep and spiritual; but because they wanted to
please God. Your Mama and Daddy were willing to give up their lives for the Kingdom.”
Then standing, Mattie looked down at each of her girls again and said, “What would
you girls give up for the Kingdom?” And with that she quietly left the room.

Perri
opened her eyes and her gaze locked with that of her husband's.

Trying
hard to ignore his libido, Barrington took in his wife's appearance, proud that
she still had that satisfied-made-love-to look in her eyes. He looked at her
tousled hair, tucked a strand behind her ear and held her closer, wanting to
make love to her again. “And you said . . .?”

“All
three of us were speechless for a long time. Then we each took a turn trying to
think of what we would give up for God if He asked us to.” She smiled
remembering, “It is funny, but we all had the same answer. We said we'd give up
being mad that Mama and Daddy had to leave us before we were ready for them to
go.”  Perri shrugged, feeling hot tears stream from her eyes. “I guess you
could say we gave up the only parents’ we knew and loved dearly. We let God
have our anger, bitterness, resentment, pain, hurt, confusion and grief in
spite of already giving up our parents’ for God’s Kingdom.”

“It
couldn't have been easy, baby.”

“No,
it wasn't easy for me, and it won't be easy for you, either. But I’m gonna be
like my wise Madear.” Perri looked directly in her husband’s beautiful
yellow-green eyes. “What are you, Barrington, willing to give up for the Kingdom?”

Barrington
considered it. “You think God wants me to give up R&B, don’t you, baby?”

Perri
shrugged. “It doesn’t matter what I think because it’s not for me to say.
Therefore, I can’t answer that for you. Sweetheart, I can labor in prayer for
you all day long—and I am always praying for you; but this is one cause you’re
going to have to take up with God for yourself, because He’s not gonna reveal
the answer to me. He’s going to reveal it to you, mighty man of valor.”

“I
appreciate that, baby. Really, I do.” Barrington shook his head. “But don’t you
have a hunch or something . . . anything to help me go on?”

“All
I know for sure concerns my own situation.”

“Which
is?”

“After
I gave my life to Christ, I knew I couldn’t go back up on that stage as a
dancer, flashing my skin, wearing compromising outfits, if that’s what you
wanna call them.” She shook her head. “God wasn’t getting any glory out of that
and I was digging my heels deeper and deeper into my own self-made mess. I'm
telling you, it was ugly as homemade sin; makes me shudder just to think about
it.

“I
was up on that stage thanking God for allowing me to have the opportunity to
dance, only to start shimming in some man’s face.” The whole scene disgusted
her now. “How was that pleasing to God, Barrington? It would be like you and I
going to watch our girls’ at a strip club.”

Barrington
glared at Perri. “Now you did not have to use our baby’s as an example.”

“I
imagine that’s exactly how God felt about me shaking my rump-shaker onstage for
a bunch of horny males . . . and these days, females, too.” She chuckled.

“Don’t
put that image in my head, baby,” Barrington shook his head. After carefully
considering his wife’s words, he admitted, “I guess you got a point.” He
suddenly kissed her, needing to draw strength from her mouth.  Hating to
release her sweet tongue, he broke their kiss. “Music is my life, baby.” He
looked at her as if searching her soul for answers she’d already told him she
couldn’t provide. “I don’t know how to do anything else. At least nothing I
wanna do as bad as singing and performing for a live audience,” Barrington
confessed.

“I
feel you, baby.”

“Music
is my life,” he repeated again to no one in particular.

“Maybe
that’s the problem, Barrington.”

“Huh?”
he was clearly confused.

“You
said music is your
life
?”

“Yeah
. . . it is.”

“What
if God wants to be your
life
? Period.”

“You
think so?”

“God
is a jealous God; He’s loving but He’s jealous when it comes to His own
children and whom they’re trying to serve.”

Barrington
thought about it. “That could be, I guess.” He shrugged. “What does He want me
to do about it? What did He tell you to do about dancing?”

“That’s
just it, Barrington. God didn’t have a problem with me dancing; He gave me the
talent to do it. The problem was I wasn’t using my dance movements and
abilities to magnify Him. I was up on that stage prancing around half-naked,
gyrating my hips to the beat of the music. And yeah, I was feeling good and
having a good time doing it . . . until I left the stage. Then I’d start
wondering what in the world possessed me to go up there and do all that
carrying on in the first place. It was pleasurable while I was doing it, but
the moment I stopped, I became downright disgusted with myself.” She
involuntarily shivered.

“Barrington,
it was like I would appear as the main attraction on stage; the music starts
and I'm racing out to take my position. The crowd is cheering and jeering
loudly and I'm up there wiling out, rump-shaking, teasing the male audience
with suggestive looks and movements. Then whatever male singer I happen to be
rocking with comes over groping me and all my body parts from behind,
dry-humping me in front of a live audience in a packed out arena full of
strangers. Not that it would matter none if I did know them, but I mean, I'm
saying, it was enough to give me pause, you know.” Shaking her head adamantly,
Perri said, “It just didn't feel right, G-Man.”

“I
think I know what you mean,” Barrington said. “Because, baby, when I was out
there on the road . . . this last time it just didn’t feel the same.”

“Not
the same how? Good or bad?”

“I’m
not sure, baby. It wasn’t like I hated being up there because I didn’t; it was
like, well, like I needed more.” He searched her eyes. “Crazy, isn’t it?”

“Not
at all,” she said and smiled sweetly. “Sounds like you’re really starting to
think about your long term future.”

“Maybe,”
was all he could say to that theory. “But, baby, finish your story.”

“Well,
I continued to dance even though I had no clue why I did when I was so full of
doubt about wanting to do it in the first place. I started looking at it like:
well, I’m getting paid, so I stayed.”

“I
never knew you hated dancing so much.”

“That’s
because I didn’t hate dancing per se. I just wasn’t satisfied with the kind of
dancing I was doing, that’s all. I was like, there has to be more to life than
this bull crap. At the same time, my flesh wasn't ready to give it up.”

“Oh,
I see.”

“Then
there was you, Barrington; when I met you, I couldn't forget you. And you were
the only male performer who didn’t look at me like I was his next happy meal.”

They
laughed.

“What
impressed me most about you was not your good looks.”

“Oh?”
he chuckled.

“No.
It was the fact that you never once asked me to come and dance for you, help
you get your freak on, or any of the other madness most male performers are
accustomed to and want. Most of all, Barrington, you didn't disrespect me in
any way, shape, or form.”

“Come
to think of it, Perri, it never even crossed my mind.”

“No?”

“No.”
Barrington shook his head. “When I saw you across the room before ever being
introduced to you, I knew I wanted to get to know you, and I didn’t want it to
have anything to do with you dancing for me, or anyone else for that matter. To
tell the truth, baby, I was jealous every time you were up on that stage and I
watched how those men of all ages were ogling you, checking you out and drinking
in your every move. I didn’t even know you yet, but I mean, I was jealous as he
. . . uh, all get up,” he caught himself before he cussed.

Perri
laughed out loud. “Look at you now; trying to monitor your tongue and all.
That’s so cute and I’m sure it pleased God that you even tried.”

Barrington
laughed. “Anyway, baby. Tell me what you did when you realized you didn’t like
how you felt dancing after giving your life to the Lord.”

“It
wasn’t all dancing, Barrington; just the raw and raunchy kind. I still love to
dance and I still do dance, as you know. It’s just I switched dancing partners.
I no longer dance for the devil. I dance for God and I make sure He’s the one
being glorified.”

“Okay.
I can understand that. But
how
did you make the switch, Perri?”

“I
was now someone’s Mama and I had to consider it this way: would I want my
daughter up on somebody’s stage showing all her assets just to help some
lust-filled soul get his freak on?”