If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (19 page)

“Um-hmm.”
She sniffed.

“Hang
tight for me, sweet Perri. I’m almost there; just two lights away.”
Barrington’s heart was racing in his chest. “I’m coming, baby, I need you to
wait for me, okay?”

Jumping
out of his truck, he sprinted up her walkway.

“I’m
here, Perri. Let me in, baby—”

Flinging
the door open, she threw herself in his arms, knocking his cell phone to the
ground, but she didn’t care. Barrington was there with her and she could see
for herself that he was fine, and that’s all that she cared about at the
moment.

Closing
his eyes, Barrington wrapped his arms around her tight. He didn’t know what was
going on with her but he knew he needed to be right there with her, in his mind
nothing else mattered except his two favorite girls. “Is Imani sick?” He wanted
to see her face, but refused to release her from his embrace. It was too soon.
He needed to hold her; needed to feel her heart beat against his chest; needed
her to feel his heart against her chest. He just needed
his
Perri.

Perri
could only shake my head, no.

“Are
you sick? You got another migraine?

Again,
she shook her head, no.

Relieved,
Barrington sighed and pulled her closer. “Perri, I’m running on empty here.
Help me out. Tell me what happened when I left?” He made soothing circles over
her back.

Taking
a deep breath, she said, “I just needed to see you again, Barrington. Is that
okay?” She was unsure of how he’d respond although she didn’t know why
considering he’d never made his feelings for her a secret.

An
easy smile spread across his lips. “Is it okay?” He couldn’t believe she had to
ask. Barrington pulled back just enough to look down in her eyes. “My baby,
I’ve never felt more okay about anything in my life.”

Before
she could think about it, Perri kissed him, surprising him more than her.

Barrington
licked his lips, grinning. “I don’t know what that was for, or what happened to
make you so bold, but I’m glad for it,” he admitted.

“Don’t
say that, Barrington.” She buried her head in his chest. “Please don’t say
that.”

“Whoa,
baby.” Confused, he shook his head. “What exactly did happen to trigger this
kind of reaction out of you?”

“A
robbery happened.”

Looking
around, he said, “Here?” His blood started to boil. “Someone tried to break in
here on my babies?” He didn’t mean to get loud on her. He softened his tone,
“Please talk to me.”

“No,”
she shook her head, “no one tried to break in here.”

“Where
then?” he demanded some answers.

“At
Captain D’s.”

What
the hell? Captain D’s?
“What?” Barrington was thoroughly
confused. “Start over.”

“Captain
D’s, Barrington. Someone robbed them,” she said as if that explained it.

He
studied her features with awareness, trying to detect if he’d missed something.

“Why
you looking at me like that?” She frowned. “I may look a hot mess, but I’m not
crazy.”

Barrington
blinked twice before saying, “You’re this upset and damn near in a state of
hysteria because someone robbed a Captain D’s?”

Knowing
he totally did not get it, she explained, “Not just a Captain D’s, Barrington.
The one that you were planning to stop off at before you came here earlier.”

Understanding
slowly dawned on him. She was so upset because she was worried about him, well,
what she imagined could have happened to him had he been in Captain D’s when
the robbery was in progress.
Thank You, God!
Barrington didn’t mean to,
but he couldn’t help the grin that stretched across his lips. “You were worried
about me, Perri?” He needed to hear it.

She
shoved her weight against his chest and then tightened her arms around him. “This
is not funny, you know.” He was actually amused. “Someone may have been hurt
for all you know.”

“So
you cry over everyone that the News reports got hurt?” He wanted to laugh out
loud as he watched her eyes widen then narrow then widen again before her
beautiful face settled into a sulking scowl. He thought Perri honestly didn’t
know if she wanted to slug him or hug him. He didn’t know why she had to be
such a stubborn ass. But she was his baby, and he loved him some her. Willie
Clayton’s song popped into his mind and he almost started singing, I Love Me
Some You.

“Fine,
Barrington, you got me,” Perri conceded. “I was worried about what could have
happened to you, knowing the robbery was at the same Captain D’s you were going
to stop at.”

That
sobered him quick. “But I didn’t go. Baby, I was right here with you when it
happened.”

“Only
because I had a bad feeling,” she insisted, “something kept telling me to call
you back.” Perri sighed hard and loud when his grin spread all the way across
his gorgeous face. “Fine,” she grated through clinched teeth. “You’re such a
man,” she complained.
My man
.

“Why
you getting upset with me, baby? You saved me.”

Perri
laughed in spite of herself. “You’re incorrigible.

“I’m
not the one being complicated here.”

“I
care about you, Barrington,” she blurted. “I’m woman enough to admit I don’t
want anything bad to happen to you. So, yes, I’m glad you were here with me
instead of there where you could have been the one to get hurt.” She shook her
head. “Not that I’m glad someone else got hurt,” she quickly amended. “I hate
that it happened to anybody, period.”

“Well,
I’m sure you had to have watched the news to know anything about this. What did
they say?” He was still smiling, but he would allow her time to accept her
feelings for him.

“Barrington!”

“Hmm,”
he said simply.

“No,”
she admitted, “fortunately no one was hurt. But that’s totally not the point.”

“And
what is the point?” He was going to make her say it out loud.

She
blinked several times. “You’re enjoying this,” she accused.

“I
sure am,” Barrington said unashamedly.

She
sighed loudly, stepping out of his arms. “You’re impossible.”

“And
you love me.”

“I
don’t know how you jumped to that conclusion but—”

“You
do, Perri. Just admit it, I won’t tell anybody.”
That you know,
he
silently added.

“Barrington,
I was just scared for you.”

“But
I wasn’t even there when the robbery took place. I was here with you, baby.”

“I
know where you were,” was all she could say and wanted to smack the smirk off
his face.

“Don’t
get mad at me because you can’t help loving me.”

Ignoring
him, she said, “You could have been there, Barrington, and it could be that you
may have gotten hurt.”

“But
I wasn’t there, Perri. I was exactly where I wanted to be; where I needed to
be.” Pulling her back to his chest in spite of her squirming protest,
Barrington said, “Admit, it, Perri.” He kissed her before she could respond audibly,
but respond physically, she definitely did.

Weaving
her arms around Barrington’s back, she returned his passionate kisses. Wanting
more and feeling like she couldn’t get close enough to him, she moaned her
frustration in his mouth. “Barrington . . .” she whispered when he released her
lips. Her eyes involuntarily drifted shut when she felt him delivering warm,
moist, sweet kisses to her neck, traveling to her shoulder blade.
He knows
that’s was one of my spots.
Instead of pulling away like she knew she
should have, she tilted her neck giving him more access.

“Sweet,
Perri,” Barrington whispered between nibbles.

“Barrington,”
she moaned his name.

“I’ve
missed you so much, baby. So much,” he repeated.

“I’ve
missed you too, sweetie,” she finally admitted.

Framing
her face, he said softly, “Thank you.”

“What
are you thanking me for?”

“For
your true confessions,” he clarified and smiled. “I’ve waited so long to taste
you again, the sweet honey inside your luscious mouth.” Capturing her lips
again, Barrington swept her up in his arms and carried her to the living room.
Halfway through sitting down on the couch and placing her in his lap, they
heard Imani crying. She wasn’t just crying, she was screaming bloody murder.

Perri
jumped up like they’d been caught doing the nasty in Madear’s house. Not taking
the time to see his reaction, she took off toward Imani’s room with Barrington
close on her heels. Pushing the door open, Barrington pushed past her, reaching
their daughter first.

Picking
Imani up, Barrington crooned, “Don’t cry, Cupcake. Daddy and Mommy are here.”

Blinking
in surprise, Perri couldn’t believe it. Imani calmed right down at the sound of
her daddy’s soothing words. Well, actually it was his voice, period, but she
wasn’t ready to admit that to anyone including herself just yet. Instead, she
continued to watch Barrington handle their daughter with kid gloves and tons of
love. Tears came to her eyes but she quickly swallowed them back and slipped
out of the room, softly closing the door behind her.

Perri
stared at the official looking document for quite some time, too stunned,
shocked, humiliated, ashamed, and hurt to respond with any kind of decency. She
wanted to yell, pinch, slap, and choke Barrington. The man's nerve had no ending
in sight. How dare he insult her with his little . . . well, his big and more
than generous offering? Feeling a jolt of jealousy course through her being,
she wanted to cry but was too mad and outraged to do so, at least not in front
of him. He'd taken too much from her already; she wasn't about to hand more of
herself over to him without a fight. And she meant a knock-down-drag-out fight.

“Now,
before you go off the deep end, Perri, hear me out first.”

Perri
fixed a cold-blooded gaze on him. “There is nothing you can say I wanna hear.
I'm not for sale and neither is my child.”

Giving
her a look as evil as her own, Barrington said through gritted teeth, “I didn't
say you were, neither did I imply it, Perri.”

“Is
that right?” She glanced down at the papers in her hand. “That's exactly what
you did by taking it upon yourself to have this stupid document drawn up.”
Perri tossed the papers at him, not caring if his feelings were hurt. He'd
overstepped his boundary one too many times where her daughter was concerned;
he took too much for granted, assuming she'd go along with whatever suggestions
he and his entourage of attorneys had come up with. She didn't care how much
money he had; he was not going to intimidate her into agreeing to anything that
granted him more entrance and say in she and her daughter's life than
necessary. As far as she was concerned, this was totally unnecessary. She was
doing just fine on her own when it came to providing for Imani's needs,
whatever they may be, so she didn't see she had any use for his money or
anything else he might want to throw their way like they were some sort of
charity he'd reluctantly agreed to sponsor. Well, he can go straight to the
altar and repent of that mess.

“There
is nothing stupid about me wanting to provide for my child, make sure she's
taken care of in every way, Perri,” he argued.

“And
what's that supposed to mean?”

“Look—”

“I
take good care of my child,” she cut him short, wanting to choke him.

“Yes,
Perri, you have taken good care of our daughter; that's not in question here.”

“Then
what is, Barrington?”

Frustrated
with her attitude and lack of gratitude, Barrington tried to explain his
position, “Perri, all I did was have my lawyer draw up the papers for me to
legally provide for my child, both now and in the event something happens to
me, or you, for that matter.”

“I
hadn't planned on going anywhere anytime soon, Barrington.”

“Funny,
Perri. You know like I know time is not promised to any of us. Being that
you've already cut the time I have with my daughter short, I don't see what
you're even complaining about, like you really got room to oppose anything.”

“I
was wondering how long it would take you to hum this tune again.” His words
stung but she wasn't going to let him see her sweat. “Look, Barrington, I'm
sorry I kept Imani a secret from you, I'm sorry you're hurt, and I'm sorry I
can't give you back that missing time. But I'll be damned if I keep on allowing
you to throw that mistake up in my face when you yourself have made one just as
fatal as mine, holding you accountable for at least half of the fact that you
were kept in the dark about Imani's existence.”

Confused,
he demanded, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Think
about it, Barrington. You knew just like I knew that we didn't take the
measures necessary to protect us from an unwanted pregnancy the last time we
made love,” she accused. “So don't you dare be sitting over there judging me,
throwing all your hostility my way when you are just as much to blame as me,
and while I may not have come forth and told you of my pregnancy you had to
have known it was a real possibility. And, yes, I know I refused your phone
calls and didn’t respond to any of the letters you sent me. Yet you didn’t see
fit to hop on your Lear Jet and come back here seeking me out for the truth
either, did you?”

It
angered Barrington more that he couldn't argue with Perri. He had known it was
a possibility he could have gotten her pregnant. But he never thought in a
million years that she'd intentionally not tell him if he had and that was what
hurt the most about her betrayal.

“So,
the way I see it, I'm not the only one in the wrong here. You are every bit as
much to blame as me. Why don't you take responsibility for that and admit you
failed our daughter, too?”

“Well,
I'm trying to make up for lost time, Perri. Can you say the same?”

Perri
snorted. “And you think throwing your money at her will do that?”

“What
are you talking about, Perri? I'm supposed to and the law fully expects me to
support my child. I'm not some deadbeat father who's going out of his way to
avoid financial responsibility for my daughter; my obligation is to her and her
alone. So what are you upset about?”

Snatching
the papers from him, Perri proceeded to read them aloud, “Barrington Knight
agrees to pay Perri Milan child support dating back to the time their daughter,
Imani Sinclair Milan was conceived.” She read the lump-sum payment, fighting
tears. “That amount will be followed by a monthly allotment to be deposited in
Perri's account the first business day of every month.”

“And
the problem is?”

She
could only stare at him dumbfounded.

“You
don't think that's enough, is that it?”

“There
is no need for your money, period.”

“There
is definitely a need, Perri. Surely even you won't deny me the right to honor
my obligation to our daughter.”

“This
is not about money, Barrington, and if you think it is, then you never knew me
at all. I don't need your child support payments, past or present.”

“Good,
Perri, because it's not for you; it's for our daughter. And I don't care what
you say, Imani does need it and she's entitled to it.”

“You
say what you want, but I know what you're doing.”

“And
what might that be in the view your misguided perception?”

“You’re
just trying to carve out a bigger space for yourself in Imani’s heart than me,
and you’re using your money and prestige to do it,” she continued to rail on
him. “So what if you can give her more material things than me for now. But
I’ve been with her since conception and never one time have I ever neglected
her needs. And I didn’t need to use money or a lack of it in order to do it
because all it took was my unconditional love which she’s had from the moment I
realized she was in my womb. And that, Barrington, was her safe haven for nine
months! You’ve been on the scene for what? A good two days, and suddenly you
know more about what’s best for her than me. Why? Do you thing because you have
more money to offer that’s supposed to make you more fit to care for her needs than
me?”

Jerking
Perri by the wrist, hauling her to her feet, Barrington hissed, “Don’t you ever
say something that hateful to me again,” he warned. God knows he loved this
woman more than his life, but he would not stand by and let the love he felt
for his own flesh and blood child become tainted by the ugly description she
just depicted; it just simply wasn’t going to be. Not on his watch! And being
around to watch, he certainly planned to be regardless of what Perri said or
didn't say; it didn't matter to him, because he was in their life to stay.

“I
would never use my child or my best friend to hide behind; that’s your
department, Miss I’m-not-gonna-tell-him-and-keep-my-baby-all-to-myself,
judgmental Perri!” He dared her to deny it. “And as far as you having been the
one Imani depended on from the first, that’s not my fault, either. You're the
one, Perri, who kept me in the dark!” Narrowing his eyes to mere slits, he
said, “And I don’t care what you say, you didn’t do it for my good. You want me
to believe it was about my career, the reason you didn’t tell me. But we both
know that’s a load of horse shit. Don’t we?” Not giving her time to respond, he
went on to tell her exactly what he’d felt since finding out the truth that she
went to great lengths to hide from him. His grip tightened slightly on her
wrist but he was so mad he didn’t notice Perri wince, or that his fingers had
begun to dig into her sensitive flesh.

“This,
Perri, was about you trying to be in control of every damn thing that happens
in your life whether good or bad, and since you always assume it’s gonna turn
out bad for you, you have to exert yourself sole ruler, and reign over every
single detail; never mind that it involves more than just you. You’re so
selfish in that aspect,” he accused, “which keeps me confused as hell where
we’re concerned because I know for myself what a good and kind heart you’ve got
beating inside that beautiful chest of yours.”

“Don’t
you worry about me, I don’t want or need you, Barrington,” Perri let the words
rip from her mouth like a switch blade, slicing and dicing him up with each
syllable. For a split second, she thought he was going slap her, and fully
prepared herself to knock the fire-hell out of him if he had so much as raised
his voice at her right then. Then she decided that was just stupid because she
knew in her heart Barrington was not the type to abuse any woman no matter how
angry he got with her; he'd walk away or hurt himself first.

“I’m
not worried about you, Perri, I’m concerned about you, and there is a
difference. Every time shit gets hard you wanna shut down and become this ice
cold princess with a frozen heart inside; only it’s a betrayal to your soul
because you’re not naturally a mean-spirited person.” Barrington shook his
head, feeling anger rage through him; anger he'd tried to stow away because he
didn't want to take it out on Perri. But this thing of her constantly
questioning his intentions was waning on his patience. Too far gone to stop
now, he went on to say, “And yet you had absolutely no qualms about not telling
me you were carrying my child; still wouldn’t have if I hadn’t ran into you at
the damn mall, where you went on to conduct a masquerade and compromise
Journey’s position by arranging for it to appear as if Imani was her daughter.
Then you give me some lame excuse about not wanting to ruin my career like that
justifies your lies.”

Barrington
stared through the stranger before him and wanted to shake her senseless. “As
close as we were, Perri, it hurts to know you thought so little of me and my
love for you; of the place you held in my heart, that was yours and yours
alone. How could you do that to me, Perri? How could you do that to us? Most of
all, how could you do that to
our
daughter? No matter how you felt about
me, what you felt I’d done to you, whatever; you had no, and I mean no right to
keep your pregnancy a secret from me. I had a say, too, woman! And you, with
your self-righteous self took it away. Like that,” he snapped his finger in her
face.

“Barrington,
that’s not—”

“Fair?”
he interrupted her. “Is that what you were gonna say, Perri? Hell, what am I
asking? Of course that’s what you were gonna say. See how you twist the
situation around to make yourself out to be the victim?” He shook his head.
“That’s not good; you’re in total denial where your actions were concerned
which only tells me you know you were wrong for what you done.”

“Barrington,
if you’d just listen—”

“No,
you listen. I loved you. I gave you my heart, Perri, and you accepted it just
to turn right around and throw it back in my face with no explanation when you
were embedded in my soul. I branded you, girl; you were mine and you meant
everything to me. But it didn’t matter because in the end you still left me.”

“You
didn’t wanna ruin my career
,” he mocked her words to him. “To
hell with my career, Perri, we’re talking about my baby! I would have cut back
on the gigs I accepted and found a way to make do, so long as you and I were
together. To me nothing else mattered as much as having you in my life and
being an intricate part of your life. But that didn’t matter to you, Perri. It
didn’t matter that I loved you more than life itself. You still went and did
what you wanted to do and to hell with me and what I might want.”

Barrington
glared at her, his eyes cold and hard. “You had no right, Perri. Is it finally
sinking in? Do you even really begin to understand what you cost me? Do you
still not care? How dare you decide my future for me! I loved you then. I love
you now. I still want you in my life even after all the pain you caused me,” he
confessed. “Hell, fool that I am, if I thought you’d let me get away with it,
I’d take you right here and now, Perri.” He shook his head, fighting the urge
to kiss her face off. “I resent the fact you still have that kind of power over
me when you clearly don’t give a damn about me. At least not enough to be
decent enough to include me in the pregnancy which was really
our
pregnancy, or even the birth of our baby; that was wrong, Perri, and you know
it. You had no right!”

Perri
blinked several times in an effort to hold back tears. His words stung. Partly
because they were true and partly because she knew he knew she knew they were
true. Unable to speak she simply lowered her eyes.
What did she do that for
?
Seeing and feeling his hand no matter how firm a grip it had on her wrist was
enough to make Perri want to cave in and let Barrington be her shelter as well
as a safe haven for the precious daughter they shared.