If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (17 page)

Perri
was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her beautiful face and
Barrington laughed right along with her mainly because to him she was a
beautiful sight to behold.

“Is
that how Crush got his name, because your mother had a
crush
on Greg
Brady aka Barry Williams?”

Barrington
lowered his head laughing out loud and nodding his head, “Yep. What can I say,
Perri; Ma was a typical sixties white teenage girl.”

They
laughed and picked for five more minutes about the origin of various names.

“This
food tastes better than I remember,” Barrington remarked.

Perri
grabbed a napkin, wiping tartar sauce from his chin. “How long has it been?”

“It's
been a minute,” he admitted, popping a hush puppy in his mouth. “Most times I’m
home I’m running here and there, trying to play b-ball with my boys.” Picking
up his drink, he watched her acknowledge with a nod. “Then there’s family and
you know how hometown folks are; they think you trying to be funny if you don’t
go see them.”

Perri
laughed, watching him drink from his straw. Tickled, she laughed harder.

About
to place his glass back on the coffee table, Barrington stopped midair.
Confusion was evident on his face as he asked, “Did I miss something?” When
Perri did nothing more than laugh, he said impatiently, “What’s so funny?”

She
raised a brow. “Man, you know you can always go in the kitchen and get
something else to drink. You don’t have to suck the bottom out of that cup.”

“Guess
I am acting like it’s the last time I’m gonna get something to drink.” He
laughed. “But hey, it is my favorite,” he defended himself.

“I
know. Pink lemonade is at the top of your A list.”

“Yeah,
baby, you remember. So you know how much I love this stuff.”

“I
also remember you got me hooked on the pink stuff too.” She laughed.

“Come
on, Perri. You know pink lemonade is the bomb,” Barrington boasted.

“It’s
all right, I guess. Me, I’m a tea and Pepsi girl all the way.”

“Tea
is all right. Pepsi is okay. Now pink lemonade, girl, I can live off this
stuff.” Taking another long and noisy sip from his straw, he said, “That’s why
I always make sure to take plenty with me on the road.”

“Oh,
you do not.” She laughed. He didn’t crack a smile, she said, “You do?”

“You
sound surprised.”

Thinking
about it, she mused, “Pink lemonade, huh?”

“I
don’t share it, either.” He laughed.

She
wasn’t sure she believed him. “And that’s what you long for on the road?”

Barrington
didn’t have to think about it, “When you can’t have what you want, you work
with what you got.” Waiting for her reaction, his grin was long as a country
mile. “I would take you along, Perri, but . . .”

He
let the comment float in the air between them.

Perri
simply grunted refusing to touch that loaded comment.

Picking
up her hand, he played with it. “You saying you wouldn’t go with me?”

She
didn’t pause to think, “Not even if you got down on all fours and begged.”

“Damn,
Perri.” He laughed. “That’s cold.”

“That’s
the truth.”

“So,
you saying you wouldn’t even pretend to consider my offer?”

“No,
I wouldn’t. No.”

“So,
what you’re saying is there wouldn’t be one part of you, even a small inkling
that would be tempted to go on the road with me?”

“Not
even half way. No.”

Barrington
couldn’t believe it. “No way at all, Perri?”

Her
sigh was long and deep. “What part of not interested don’t you understand?”

He
looked at her long and hard. “You really have changed.”

Oh
my God,
Perri thought,
he’s actually pouting
!

After
several more minutes, Barrington let her hand drop. “To be perfectly honest,
Perri, I don’t understand this new you at all,” he announced. He frowned as he
rubbed a hand down his chin. He glanced around the living room, wishing Cupcake
was awake.

Perri
couldn’t believe he was pouting. She continued to study him as he managed to
look everywhere except at her. She could feel the anger rolling off him in
waves and marveled how well he tried to contain it. Only, he should have known
better than to think she wouldn’t call him to the carpet on it. “Barrington,
you can’t really be surprised that I’d feel that way.”

Glaring
at her, he disagreed, “Yes I can, Perri. And I am.” He was adamant.

Thinking
this was going to be good, she challenged, “Why?”

“Why
you need to know why? It’s not like you gonna change your mind.”

“You
mad.” She burst out laughing.

“You
damn right I’m mad.” Watching her laugh at him, Barrington tried to keep his
temper in check. “I’d like to know what you find amusing?” he asked when he
could take it no longer.

“You,”
she said as if that explained it all.

“What
about me, Perri?” His tone was harsher than he meant it to be.

She
rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. “Forget it, Barrington.”

“No,
let’s not forget it, Perri.”

“I
think we should.”

“Well,
I don’t want to. I want you to tell me why you think I’m so funny.” When she
didn’t answer, he folded his arms over his chest and said impatiently, “I take
back what I said earlier. You haven’t completely changed; you’re still the same
spoiled brat you were every time you didn’t get your way.”

Perri
studied his movements as if fascinated. “I’m not the one pouting, am I?”

He
glared at her for a full five minutes while she in turn ignored him, avoiding
his question and his gaze altogether.

Barrington
suddenly stood up walking toward Imani’s room. “I’m going to sit with my
daughter a while,” he called out without looking back to get Perri’s approval.

An
hour passed. Then two more hours passed. Barrington still had not come back to
the living room. Curious as to why, thinking he may have fallen asleep, Perri
tiptoed to Imani’s room and peeked inside.

Tears
burned the back of her eyes as she listened to Barrington go on and on to Imani
about how sorry he was he missed out on so much of her life and, how it wasn’t
his fault, and if he’d had his way he would have never been away from her for
longer than the time it took for him to complete his tour.

Knowing
he was trying to keep his emotions in check for their daughter’s sake, Perri
heard the veiled anger in his voice, but more than that, she heard the hurt.
Hearing the sadness in his voice she could tell Barrington was crying from the
thick emotion clouding his tone. She bit back a sob, feeling that she was the
source of his pain. That only succeeded in pissing her off, simply because she
felt like he was trying to turn their daughter against her. It didn’t matter
that Imani wasn’t old enough to understand what he was saying, because all her
focus seemed to be centered on how angry he was making her. He was the one who
left her, for Pete’s sake. He didn’t hear her whining to Imani about that. So
what gave him the right?

“Cupcake,
Daddy is gonna make up for lost time. I know it won’t be easy but I promise you
somehow I will.” Barrington thought a moment. “Wouldn’t it be cool if you could
join me on the road?” He laughed when his daughter cooed like she understood
what he was saying. “Of course, Mommy wouldn’t like that very much. In fact,
between you and me, baby girl, I’m sure it would make her sad and that would
make us sad. Wouldn’t it?” He tickled Imani under her chin and brought her to
rest against his chest where she clung to him like a second skin.

“But
you know what, Cupcake, Daddy would much rather take you on the road over pink
lemonade any day,” he whispered. “Now, that’s our secret, okay.” He kissed her
forehead, inhaling her baby powder scent as he gently rubbed her back and
rocked her in his arms.

In
that moment, Barrington could almost understand how one parent could be driven
to the point of abducting their own child. Though he would never consider going
to that extreme, never again could he point an accusing finger at one who did
without feeling like a hypocrite himself.

Unable
to stand there eavesdropping another second without busting in on him and
taking a chance on scaring her daughter, Perri quickly turned and hurried back
down the hall. All the while she knew Barrington wasn’t going like her very
much after tonight because she intended to let him have it no sooner than he
stepped foot back into the living room.

“Is
Imani okay?” Perri asked when Barrington returned to the living room.

“She’s
fine, Perri. And she’s gonna stay that way,” he promised.

Perri
started to say something but decided against it.

Barrington
took a seat on the cushion next to her and leaned forward. Thinking about the
best way to handle his next course of action, he sighed heavily when he’d
decided what to do. “Perri, why don’t I stay over tonight?”

“That’s
not a good idea, Barrington.”

“How
about you give me one good reason why not?”

“How
about you don’t piss me off?” she glared at him. “I’m serious, Barrington.”

“Oh,
like I’m not?” he rolled his eyes. “You always have to have your way.”

Rolling
her eyes even harder, she complained, “Why don’t you just leave it alone,
Barrington. Geez! Makes me wish I hadn’t even taken pity on you and let you
come over here tonight. Seems to me we’d have both been better off if you’d
just gone on home instead; I knew this was a huge mistake on my part.” She
ignored the hurt in his eyes. “You really know how to spoil a good moment.”

“And
you certainly know how to deliver a powerful punch with words.”

“Lay
off me, Barrington,” she warned. “Why do you always have to pick a fight with
me?”

“Why
do you always have to be so defensive?”

“Why
are you always asking stupid questions?”

“Why
are you always avoiding the answers?”

“I’m
not avoiding anything.”

“Except
the issues you don’t want to address.”

“Because
I don’t have any,” she denied. “You’re the one who can’t take
no
for an
answer.”

“Oh,
you don’t have any issues, Perri?” He glared at her. “Are you not the one with
a problem admitting your true feelings about us?”

“What
true feelings? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. The way I see
it, you’re reaching for false hope, and I’m just trying to let you know you’re
wasting your time. So what are you talking about?”

“I’m
talking about you, Perri, and your uncanny way of avoiding any conversation
that reminds you of how good it used to be between me and you.” He shook his
head. “Why is that?”

“It’s
because that’s the way you choose to see it.”

“Wrong
answer, try again.”

“What?”

“You
heard me. Tell the truth, Perri.”

“You’re
insane.”

“And
you’re a liar.”

“I
have not lied to you one time since you found out about Imani.”

“Withholding
the truth is still a lie. You, Perri, are guilty of committing a lie of
omission concerning your love for me. It’s still there; you still feel it. Just
because you mad at me didn’t erase your love for me. You continue to deny it to
yourself and to me. That makes you a liar.”

“You
need to leave now, Barrington. And take your false assumptions with you.”

“See
what I mean,” he said as if that summed it all up.

“No.
But I will see you to the door.”

He
grabbed her arm when she tried to brush past him, “Classic example of you
attempting to avoid the truth again.”

“Trumped
up truth is more like it,” she muttered.

Cupping
a hand on his ear, Barrington said, “What was that? I didn’t hear you.”

“This
is not the truth. This, Barrington, is your poorly misguided attempt at hoping
for something that’s not going to happen.”

“So
you keep saying.”

“And
I’ll keep on saying it for as long as you try to keep hope alive.”

He
shrugged. “What’s wrong with hope? Sometimes that’s all a man has to keep him
going. There’s nothing wrong with hope, Perri.”

“No
there isn’t,” she agreed, “except when it’s false.”

“Who
says it false?”

“Not
who says it’s false, Barrington. It’s more like what says it’s false.”

“What?”

“The
situation between us, Barrington; that’s what makes it false. The hope you’re
holding out for you and me.”

“And
what hope might that be, Perri?”

“You
know.”

“I’m
not so sure I do. Why don’t you make it clear so there are no more
misunderstandings?”

“Hoping
that you and I are gonna be more than friends. Hoping that I’ll just fall down
at your feet and worship the ground you walk upon. Hoping Imani is going to be
the tie forever binding us together. You know the hope, Barrington; the false
hope. Falsely hoping that I’ll forget what you did to me, or at the very least
that I’ll overlook what you did to me. But I got sad news for you. And though I
do so hate to disappoint you, it’s not going to happen the way you want. I’m
not falling back into you the way you would like me to. Read my lips,
Barrington, hear me loud and clear when I tell you, it’s not going happen. Now
put a period behind it and move on.”

Barrington
stared at her with a hateful coldness in his eyes. “Well, I’m sorry, Perri. But
not everyone is as icy as you on the inside. Some of us actually think twice
before we just up and bounce without so much as an explanation why. Some of us
do care about other people’s feelings. And as much of a shock as this may come
to you, Perri, there are even some of us who believe in staying, sticking it
out in order to work it out.” He shook his head in disgust. “But I guess you
wouldn’t know anything about that because when you’re as cold as you, staying
never even crosses your mind and sticking it out is the last thing you would
do, because of course, you don’t care to work it out. No, that would just be
too much to ask of the great and perfect Perri Milan because she doesn’t need
anyone since she has no issues of her own to deal with. Yeah, you’d rather take
the easy and permanent way out. Right, Perri?”

“I’m
not gonna stand here, Barrington, going back and forth about this with you.”

“I’m
not gonna stand here, Perri, and have you accusing me of wrong doing when I’m
totally not guilty of doing dirt.”

They
stood staring at each other wondering what was wrong with the other.

“Is
it really too much for you to believe me when I say it was never my intention
for you to feel betrayed. It was never my intention for you to walk away. It
was never my intention for us to end. No matter what, Perri, I love you, and it
was never my intention to do anything to lose the love I know you felt for me.
The love I know you still feel for me. I know it’s there, Perri. It may be
somewhat buried beneath the rubble right now, but in my heart I know you still
love me. I see it in your eyes. More importantly, I feel it in my soul. You
love me, Perri Milan. Why can’t you admit it?”

“Don’t
do this, Barrington. Let’s just end this escapade right here and now.”

“Perri,
do I always have to pull everything out of you?” he chided her. “Why can’t you
just be forthright with your feelings?”

“I’m
not asking you to ask me anything.”

“I
know that, Perri.”

“So
what’s the problem, Barrington?”

“I’m
trying to know you and you, stubborn as you are, just keep pushing me away. I
wanna know why.”

“You
know all you need to know.”

“In
other words, you’re not going to let me in?”

“I
made that mistake once. Twice is too much to ask. Besides, you don’t have to
beat me over the head with a baseball bat for me to know it’s going to hurt.”

“Meaning
what?”

“I
refuse to take that path with you again.”

“And
what path might that be?”

“The
one that leads to the land of destruction, the sea of hurt, the mountain of
pain, the valley of heartache, and the torture of heartbreak; so on and so
forth.”

“And
you’re so sure I’d lead you there?”

“It
wouldn’t surprise me. If I’d let you.”

“Which
you won’t, right?”

“No,
Barrington, I won’t. And frankly, I’m surprised you even had to ask that
question.”

“No
more surprised than I am you think so little of me.”

“I
shouldn’t even really be surprised that you would think after everything that went
down between us you can just walk back in my life and I’ll say ‘all is
forgiven; you broke my heart but that’s okay, I forgive you anyway’ and yet
here I stand not believing your nerve.” She couldn’t grasp the concept of him
really expecting her to lie down and let him trample over her heart again.
Is
he crazy or was he just hoping I am
? “Any opinion I have of you, whatever
it may be, you have yourself to thank. And as far as how little or much is
concerned, I could say the same thing about your treatment of me.”

“But
you’d be wrong, Perri.”

“I’m
not so sure about that, Barrington.”

“Well,
I’m sure enough for both of us.”

“So
you say.”

“Just
wish you’d give me the benefit of the doubt.”

“Why?
So you can take pleasure in gaining the upper hand just to cause me more pain?”
She shook her head. “It isn’t gonna happen, Barrington. So I suggest we change
the direction of this conversation before we find ourselves sailing on some
very shaky and bitter waters.”

“You
can’t avoid this conversation forever. Sooner or later, you are gonna have to
face it.”

“I
opt for later.” By the look on his face she knew he was more than frustrated
with her, but she didn't care because he pretty much used their daughter to
gain entrance through the door, anyway. And since this was her house she
refused to feel like a victim in it, no matter how much that pained look in his
eyes pulled at the strings of her heart. She was going be strong and stand firm
with him.

Barrington
wished he could be that strong. “I’m sorry I rushed out on you like that,” he
went on with his apology anyway.

Not
bothering to pretend she didn’t know what he meant she half laughed and half
grunted. “Rushed out?” she repeated not believing his skewed memory. “Is that
what you’re calling it?”

“You
knew my schedule was up in the air. You knew I was going back on tour and, you
knew I had to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. I told you that much when
you asked me.”

 Perri
scoffed. “Don’t you even try to use your stupid singing career as an excuse,
Barrington; I’m warning you it won’t fly.”

“First
of all, Perri, I take my singing very serious. Second of all, I’m not looking
to use my career as an excuse.” He was tired of her constant accusations.
“Look, Perri, I’m a grown-ass man. I don’t need to hide behind anything or
anyone to do me.”

“Is
that a fact?”

“It’s
the truth, Perri, so help me God.”

“And
the truth is only God can help you out of the mess of a situation you made,
Barrington. So don’t be standing here in my face fully expecting me to just
rewind my feelings and turn back the hands of time between us. The past is
buried; let’s not dig it up now.”

“Is
your love for me buried as well?”

Surprised
by his quick retort, she only stared at him.

“Oh,
no, don’t let the cat capture your tongue now. Are you truly over me, Perri?”

She'd
heard enough. “The past is gone, Barrington, and so am I.”

“It’s
like that, huh?”

“It’s
exactly like that.”

“We’ll
see about that.”

“No,
you’ll see about that. It’ll just be confirmation for me. I already know where
I stand on the subject.”

“You
may think you have your mind made up.” He grinned sheepishly. “But I’m
confident you’ll change it.”

“I
believe that’s called cocky, Barrington and once again, you’re wrong about the
outcome. When all is said and done you and I will still be through, done, and
over.” She turned to walk away.

Grabbing
her wrist, Barrington admitted, “I should have at least woke you up and gave
you a proper goodbye. I wanted to. I
really
wanted to make love to you
again, baby. But with it being your first time, and us already having gone a
couple rounds, I knew you were gonna be sorer than crap the next day,
especially since I overindulged on you anyway. You were resting so peacefully I
didn't have the heart to wake you, so I didn’t. For that I apologize, Perri.”
You
have no idea how sorry I am.

Smiling
inwardly, she wondered if he realized he said
crap.
Not willing to come
undone in front of him, she simply said, “It doesn’t matter, it’s all water
under the bridge now. It’s over with us, Barrington. You want to see Imani I
won’t stop you. Long as we both respect the proper boundaries we’re good to
go.”

“What
boundaries?” Barrington asked thoroughly confused.

“We
communicate about our daughter.” Perri swallowed a wave of desire. “Get this
straight right now; I’m fine. I don’t need you. We are through. Beyond
contacting me concerning Imani, you leave me alone, Barrington. Understood?”