If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (20 page)

“You’re
hurting me.” She jerked her wrist free from his tight grip.

Seeing
her palm her wrist absentmindedly, Barrington felt a crack of pain in his gut
when he saw his fingerprints upon her flesh; he’d forgotten how easily she
bruised. Feeling every bit of the guilt that weighed so heavily upon his
shoulders, he silently berated himself, knowing there was no excuse for
manhandling Perri.

“I’m
sorry, Perri,” he said softly, his voice thick with emotion. “I'd never
intentionally physically hurt you.”

“No,
but emotional abuse is so much better!” she spat the words at him like venom.

Barrington
closed his eyes to shut out her words that hurt him more than she knew and he
knew he would feel the sting of them long after she’d forgotten she even said
them.

“This
constant bickering back and forth about who’s right and who’s wrong for Imani
is getting us nowhere. And fast!” Abruptly, she turned to flee.

Barrington
blocked her way. “No, Perri! This time you’re not gonna run away.” Refusing to
budge, he added, “And furthermore, this is not a competition although you seem
hell-bent on making it one, for what, I don’t know, because I sure as hell am
not thinking about money; I’m thinking about my daughter. And I would think you
would be, too,” his eyes challenged her to disagree. “Besides, I could bestow
upon her a million and one gifts and it wouldn’t matter because she’s too young
to know or care about money, power or clout. So why keep sweating me about
that? You’re a smart woman, Perri, with a brilliant mind, so I know you know as
well as I do that kids spell love: T-I-M-E. Children don’t reason like adults
do. Hell, most adults’ reason like children when it comes to time because they
equate it with love—just like children. So where’s the harm in me wanting my
daughter in my life on a full-time basis?” His eyes searched hers, desperate
for her to see that he is not her enemy. “Tell me, Perri, if you can.”

“Barrington,
please move.”

He
shook his head. “I can’t do that, Perri. Because if I do I know we’re gonna be
through, and I’m sorry for you, but I’m not ready to end our story now,
especially not when it has the potential to be so sweet; if you let it, Perri.
Stop fighting and let things progress the way it’s meant to be.” Bringing his
forehead down against hers, he whispered, “I dare you.”

His
words shook her to the core and Perri could feel the truth of them in the
essence of her being. Barrington had no idea what he was doing. He was killing
her softly with his kindness and he didn’t know it. Or did he? She searched his
eyes for the truth. No, he definitely didn’t know the power of love he still
wielded over her.

“Perri,
on one count you are right. As far as Imani’s life is concerned, I am trying to
make my own special place that’s mine alone, because she’s my baby, and she and
I both deserve that type of relationship,” he confessed. “My sweet Perri,
there’s no need for you to be jealous,” he promised. “You’re Imani’s mother and
she’s your child. Your place in her life is a given, Perri; set apart and
special, yours alone, and you and her both deserve that type of relationship
because mothers and daughters have a special and unique bond between them. But
so do fathers and daughters because little girls love their daddies. And
this
daddy does love his little girl, and that’s all I want you to understand,
Perri. Just be willing to give me my equal rights in Imani’s life. Share our
daughter, her time, and her love with me. Please?” Barrington pleaded.

Tears
were building in Perri’s eyes. He was fighting dirty, showing her heartfelt
kindness for the mean spirit she went out of her way to attack him with. She
had to give it to the man; he had her thinking hard, though she wouldn’t
readily admit that to him now, if ever.

“I
need to be alone, Barrington. Please go now.”

“Perri
. . .”

“Barrington,
I need time to think. Please give it to me.”

“But
. . .”

“Because
I’m gonna take it whether you like it or not.”

“You
always do,” he complained.

“And
I always will. Now, go because I can’t think straight in your presence.”

Blowing
out a puff of air, Barrington raised his eyes to the ceiling in an effort to
exercise patience. “Fine,” he conceded.

Sighing
in relief, she said, “Thank you.”

“Don’t
thank me, Perri. This conversation is not over. Not by a long shot.” As if his
last statement were supreme law, Barrington walked to the front door, then
turned to say, “Tell Cupcake I love her,” and he was gone.

“What
are you doing here so early?” Perri snapped, irritated at his unannounced
morning arrival.

Having
woken up before dawn ever cracked the sky this morning, barely able to keep an
iron-grip on his temper as it was, Barrington mockingly snapped back, “Cut the
bullshit, Perri, you know damn well exactly what pressing family matter needed
my immediate attention bad enough to bring me to your doorstep so early this
morning. Now, we need to talk. Question is, are we gonna air our dirty laundry
on your front porch, or will you invite me in to afford us the privacy we
desperately need in this particular matter, delicate as it is?”

Perri
rolled her eyes, turning her back on him, she started back to the kitchen,
flinging over her shoulder, “As usual, you swoop in like Casper the friendly
ghost, toting your barely concealed anger in dramatic fashion. And I’d venture
to say this could have waited until I got off work, though I doubt you’d admit
it seeing it would be too much like right for you in your current state of
anger denial.”

Barrington
took a deep breath, then followed her and almost smiled at her ability to read,
what he thought, were his highly tamed emotions, considering her deliberate
deception is what set his mind and teeth on edge from the start. However, if
his woman asked him point blank, he wasn’t going to deny that he wanted her
back in his bed for the rest of his natural life. “Whatever, Perri,” he
retorted. “I want my fair share of equal time with Imani, period. So put out or
not, you’re just going to have to make time to discuss my daughter’s future
with me, because I can assure you that I will be an integral part of it.”

“Barrington,
don’t you think you’re being a little demanding.”

“No,
Perri, I don’t. You’re just being unreasonable, per usual. Besides, you didn’t
listen very carefully. I said I wanted equal time with our daughter when, like
now, I am in town. And furthermore, if you’d just let yourself imagine how sane
the three of us under one roof actually is in the long run, then you’d see that
there is a rhyme and reason for my proposal of  marriage,” he said as a matter
of fact.

Dumbstruck
with his amazing ability to sell ice to Eskimos, Perri stared at him. Her ex
was good, but she was not going to allow him to use their daughter as live bait
in order for him to use this situation to his advantage. “You’re giving Imani
your last name. What more do you want?”

“I
just told you what I want, Perri.”

“No,
Barrington, I’m not gonna marry you simply for a child. And there’s no way I’m
giving you equal time with my daughter, you not even here long enough to see it
through. You can’t just insinuate yourself in her life, she doesn’t even know
you, and it’s going to take time for her to get to know you and vice versa.”

“You
are just grasping for excuses, lame as they are, to try and keep me from
spending time with Imani. Well, I’m standing here to tell you it is not gonna
happen. The way I see it, marriage is the perfect solution because you’re not
gonna rob me of any more time with my daughter.”

“Sometimes
you can be so asinine.” This was why she could not share a house, let alone a
lifetime with the man.

Sometimes
she angered him so bad
. “You call me what you want, just
stay out of my way.”

Yeah,
buddy, don’t get it twisted; you came here not the other way around
.
“I really don’t think you’ve thought this through. You’ve known about Imani for
what, a good two days?” “Now, all of a sudden you wanna be Mr. Mom slash husband.”
She shook her head at his nerve to think she’d be so naïve “You’re not thinking
straight, Barrington. You’re being totally unfair.”

“You
know what, Perri? At the moment, I don’t much give a damn what you think of me.
The fact remains we created a child together. Now, while you have a say on
whether or not I’m involved in your life, you don’t get a vote when it comes to
me being involved in my daughter’s life. So I suggest you get that through your
stubborn mind right now, it’s not negotiable. I won’t let my child grow up
never knowing me. I will not let my child grow up without me in her life.” He
inched closer to her face, “Make no mistake, Perri, Imani is as much mine as
she is yours, no more no less; that means I have the same say in her life as
you do, probably more.”

Perri
could hear her heart pounding in her ears at the unspoken underlying threat.
“Just what’s that remark supposed to mean?”

“If
you don’t afford me some leeway concerning this matter, I will take you to
court, Perri. I’m sure I won’t have much problem getting the judge to see that
I deserve more say in her life than you considering you
intentionally
kept her existence from me,” he stated matter of fact. “And as many deadbeat
fathers that pass through their courtrooms on a daily basis, do you honestly
think they’re gonna offer you—a selfish mother—much pity over a concerned
father who not only wants to be in Imani’s life, but is actually having to
fight her mother to be a part of his child’s life? A child he should have known
about all along. Seriously, Perri, have you really convinced yourself I’d be
denied access to my daughter for no reason other than you just don’t want me to
be part of her life?”

Well,
when he put it like that, she did sound crazy. Perri swallowed the fear and
bile that suddenly rose in her throat. “You wouldn’t, Barrington.” He couldn’t.
She fought back hurtful tears. “You’d rip a mother and child apart because I
won’t marry you?” He was bluffing. She shook her head in denial. “You’re not
that cruel.” No way would the man she loved do something so sadistic. He may
have done some changing. And whatever else Barrington was, cruelty had never
once been part of his character, and she highly doubted that much had changed.
Or had it? Her head started to hurt.

Refusing
to be moved, Barrington was determined to stand his ground. He didn’t want to
hurt Perri; she was the mother of his child after all. At the same time, he
couldn’t see letting her continue to hurt him for no good reason, either. If
given a choice, court was not his pick, but she had to understand it was most
definitely an option. “Unless you force me to be, Perri,” he said honestly. It
was hell not to pull her in his arms and kiss that frightened look off her
face, but he would do what needed to be done. “The choice is yours, Perri, and
you must choose. Don’t take too long though, and don’t even think about giving
me the runaround because I will hunt you down. I have the resources and the
means to get to you wherever you are, and I will find you. Believe that, Perri.
If you take nothing else I say to heart, you better recognize that as truth.”

***

Perri
drove in a total fog, her head still spinning from Barrington’s threat. Letting
herself in her home, she was still dazed as she moved like a zombie to the
sofa, dropping down on the cushion, wishing she had something just as soft to
break the pain of the fallout she and Barrington just had over Imani. Had it
really come down to battling over their daughter like she was a pawn? Why for
the love of God did he have to bring marriage into the equation? It wouldn’t
even be for the right reasons, for heaven’s sake.

When
was this drama going to end? She massaged her temples. Pain was stabbing
through her head from the migraine that had acutely come on. She loosened and
removed the ponytail twister from her hair.

What
am I gonna do, Lord Jesus?

The
phone rang and she started to ignore it, but it just kept ringing and was
beginning to annoy her. “Hello?”

“Hey,
Sugarplum,” Madear said, “how you doing?”

Tears
sprang to Perri’s eyes at the sound of a familiar loving voice. “Hey, Madear,”
she greeted, forcing cheerfulness in her tone. “What’s going on?”

“You
tell me, child. I woke up with you on my heart this morning. Of course I prayed
for you, but I’ve still got a burden for you. What’s wrong, baby?”

Perri
bit back a sob. “Madear, I’m good.” Bringing a trembling hand to her mouth, she
said, “I appreciate your prayers though.”

“You
don’t sound right to me, Perri.” Mattie wasn’t going to let this go. “To me you
sound, well . . . you sound like you’re crying.” She paused for a response. Not
receiving one, she said, “Tell me what’s wrong with you, Perri.”

Really
not wanting to go into a detailed synopsis, which is what Madear would expect,
Perri simply said, “I’m just feeling a little emotional today; probably PMS.”

“No,
Perri, it don’t sound like that kind of blues to me.”

Darn
it, why she gotta be so perceptive?

“I’m
waiting, Sugarplum.”

Perri
couldn’t and wouldn’t discuss the situation right now. “I’ve got a major
migraine, Madear. All I wanna do is lie down and try to sleep it off.”

“Have
you been to the doctor lately?”

Where’d
that come from
? If she didn’t know better she might
think Barrington had gone to her behind her back claiming she was certifiable.
Deciding even he was more decent than that she thought up another excuse. “No,
ma’am, but you know I sometimes get these headaches without warning,” she tried
her best to explain it away.

“But
you haven’t had one in about two years, Perri, which tells me something must’ve
happened to trigger this one. Are you telling me tall tales, child? And don’t
be rolling your eyes at me, either.”

Mouthing
the words ‘You can’t see me’ Perri rolled her eyes anyway and immediately
regretted it once another stabbing pain shot across her forehead. “Madear,
really, I don’t feel too good right now. I feel like I’m about to throw up or
something. Can I please call you later this week?”

“I’ll
call you tomorrow, child, and I’ll expect you to tell me the truth about what’s
going on with you then.” Mattie softened her tone, “I love you, Sugarplum. Get
some rest. Bye for now.”

Hanging
up the phone, Perri dashed to the bathroom and threw up for the next five
minutes. When there was nothing left but dry heaving, she slowly got up, washed
her hands, face, and brushed her teeth. Feeling another bout of nausea swooning
in her stomach, she dragged herself to the bed and carefully lowered her body
down upon it, because at this point, the slightest movement was causing major
pain. Closing her eyes, she tried to shut out the last forty-eight hours.

Two
hours later, someone banging hard on the door woke Perri up. Slowly rising, she
got to her feet and started down the hallway feeling like her head was going to
explode. The closer she got to the door the louder the banging grew and the
more she wanted to just fall dead on the spot to escape the pain. Too weak to
ask who it was she just opened the door a fraction, stood back, leaning up
against the wall for support.

What
the hell
? Barrington slowly eased the door wider, sticking
his head inside. His heart just about stopped when he saw Perri swaying like
the wind was tossing her around and she was close to falling over. Taking in
her appearance—the weakness in her eyes, to her hair in disarray, noticing the
paleness in her flustered cheeks and, lastly, the pain that caused her forehead
to crease—he knew what was wrong with her.

“Perri?”
His voice was firm but gentle. “May I come in?”

“I
. . . oh . . .  I . . .” Grabbing her head, she slid down the wall.

“Perri
. . .” Barrington was by her side in an instant. Gathering her limp frame, he
carried her to the living room, gently placing her on the couch. “You got a
migraine, don’t you?”

Too
weak to respond, she could only close her eyes.

He
felt her forehead, promising, “It’s all right, baby. I’m here now. I'll take
care of you.”

She
didn’t bother to put up a fight, and honestly she didn’t even want to. Perri
desperately tried to make her eyes stay open but the pain was just too great to
bear.

“Don’t,
baby,” he soothed. Taking her hand within his, Barrington leaned down, lightly
kissing her forehead. He took his time observing her from head to toe,
lingering a little too long on the swell of her breast rising and falling with
each breath she took, and damn him, he hardened instantly.

“Relax,
sweet Perri. Close your eyes and sleep now.”

Perri
was fully dressed but felt totally naked under his probing gaze. Too tired to
struggle, she meant to tell him thank you. “Don’t leave me again,” she
whispered. Please . . .” she drifted.

Barrington
couldn’t help but smile, his heart warm. “I’m not going anywhere, baby,” he
vowed. “I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise.” He sat with her, holding her
hand until she was settled in a deep sleep. Then gently easing her hand from
his, he went to the linen closet to get a blanket of some sort. All he found
was the Afghan he’d given her almost two years ago. It was enough to take him
back to a time when they were happy with each other.

Perri
had seen the Afghan when they were window-shopping and Barrington had seen the
longing in her eyes. Unable to resist it, he went back for it after taking her
home and surprised her with it the following day. Smiling at the fond memory,
Barrington strolled back to the living room and carefully laid the Afghan over
a sound sleeping Perri. Taking a seat in the lazy boy across from her, he
watched over her for the remainder of the time she slept, replaying all the
times they’d shared together and envisioning the beginning of new times that
he, Perri, and Imani would create together no sooner than she allowed him space
back into her life and heart.