If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (15 page)

“There
you go fidgeting again, an indication I’ve rendered you speechless,” he teased.

Realizing
she was twisting the chain on her wrist, she retrieved a diaper to change Imani
as she said, “Oh, shut up.”

That
caused Barrington to laugh harder. He didn’t realize she was so close until he
felt her reaching for Imani. “Oh, let me.”

Hands
still outstretched, Perri paused and eyed him doubtfully. “You think you can
handle the load that you discover when you uncover her?”

“There
you go with the jokes again.”

Laughing,
she said, “No, Barrington. I’m being perfectly serious.”

“I
know how to change a diaper. Besides, how do you know she tooted?”

“Tooted?”
She burst into laughter.

“What?”
he laughed. “I’d use another term, but you told me to watch my language with
her.”

“Well,
I know. But tooted?” She laughed out loud.

“Okay,
Perri. Number two. Is that better?”

She
got so tickled she dropped down on the couch laughing uncontrollably. She heard
Imani squealing with delight, but for the life of her, she couldn’t stop
laughing, and it felt good. She honestly hadn’t laughed that hard since . . .
well since Barrington walked out of her life. That probably should have been a
frightening thought but for some odd reason she wasn’t scared by it.

“Yeah,
Cupcake, mommy’s funny, isn’t she?” He joined in the laughter.

It
was a struggle but Perri managed to pull herself together. “Phew,” she sighed
from relief. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned her head to the side,
demanding, “Why you staring at me?”

“I
can’t look at you?”

“Look,
yes. Stare, um . . . no.”

“You’ve
still got that beautiful laugh that matches your beautiful face.”

She
lowered her gaze to the carpet.

Barrington
shook his head. “No, Perri, for once don’t turn away from me when I pay you a
compliment. Because it is a compliment, you know. One of the highest,” he
decreed.

She
covered her mouth.

Lifting
her face to meet his gaze, he said, “Learn to accept sincere honesty, baby.”

Where
was all that sincere honesty when you walked out on me, baby
?
Tears stung the back of her eyes as she said, “Barrington, don’t . . . .”

“Perri,
please don’t keep shutting me out.”

“Now’s
not the time.” Switching the subject, she told him, “If you’re going to do the
honors of changing your daughter we need to get this soiled pamper off her now
before she gets galled.”

“Perri?”

“Hey,
would you mind staying here with Imani while I run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few
groceries?”
That should shut him up.

Carefully
laying his daughter down on the cushion beside him, Barrington said, “I’d love
that.” Glancing up, he added, “Perri, I know what you’re doing. I’m gonna let
it go for now. Understand though, there’s coming a time very soon when I won’t
allow you to run away while I’m telling you the truth.”

She
went to get her purse. “I’ll be right back.”

Without
looking up, Barrington said, “No need to rush, we’ll be fine. Won’t we,
Cupcake?”

Imani
cooed, kicking her legs in the air.

“Our
daughter agrees with her Daddy, Mommy.”

Perri
couldn’t contain the smile that spread across her face while standing there
watching her daughter along with her father. It was a perfect picture she
mentally tucked away in the chambers of her heart to ponder when she was alone.

As
if hearing her thoughts, he looked at her. “We’ve got plenty of time to work
this out.”

“Barrington?”

“Yeah,
baby?”

Ignoring
the butterflies that sentiment ignited within the lower regions of her belly,
she said, “Just in case I forget to tell you later, thank you.”

My
sweet Perri, if I’d only known, you wouldn’t have had to do it this long on your
own.
Knowing she wasn’t ready to hear that, Barrington smiled. “That’s what daddies
are for, Perri, to help mommy out when he knows she needs it.” He winked at
her, his heart overflowing with the love he held for her.

Carrying
the last of the grocery bags in, Barrington announced, “Perri, I wanna talk to
you.”

“Okay.”
She reached around him for the bread and tried to ignore the butterflies
swarming in her belly. “About?”

“I
want Imani to have
my
last name.”

Taking
a deep breath and sighing loudly, she proceeded to remove the can goods and
walked to the pantry.”

“Perri,”
his eyes followed her, “you heard me, right?”

Placing
the milk in the fridge without turning around, she said, “I heard you.”

“And?”

She
shrugged. “And what?”

Knowing
she was avoiding the subject, Barrington stared at her mechanical movements for
a full three minutes before saying, “Perri, I know you got something to say so
say it.”

“Did
you have any trouble with Imani while I was gone?”

“No,
we had a great time. I may be biased but I think she’s crazy about me,” he
chuckled.

“Oh?”
she stared into the freezer. “Well, that’s good to know,” she told the freezer,
wishing she could stick her head in and yell
not
! She snagged a twin
banana popsicle, ripped the plastic wrapper off and sank her teeth into it in
an effort to ward off the fierce need to attack the gorgeous, bully of a
bastard who saw not a damn thing twisted about ambushing her in her own home; it
was little consolation, because she’d rather pull a Tyson, and bite the hell
out of him. And just how freaking bizarre did that make her as a suitable role
model for
their
daughter? She viciously attacked the frozen bar again,
refusing to even turn around and grant her handsome ex access to the worrisome
lines she knew had to be engrained in her face like the precise lines—straight
and squiggly—sprawled every which way on the display screen of an
etch-a-sketch. Demolishing the last of her frozen pop, she stabbed the foot
pedal of the nearby trashcan, noisily tossing the empty plastic wrap inside
before unnecessarily punching the foot pedal again. Then with a calculated move,
she pivoted around to face-off with
that
man in her face.

“You
almost sound disappointed, Perri.”

“Why
should I be disappointed?” She turned on the faucet to run dishwater.

“That’s
a good question, Perri. Care to answer it?”

“I’m
not disappointed,” she lied. “It’s great Imani thinks you’re great; she should
like you. You
are
her father.”

Barrington
didn’t buy her act for one minute; however, at the moment he still wanted an
answer to his previous question. “Are you gonna allow me to give her my last
name? Or do you think that’s too much of a tie to have to my own daughter?”

“Stop
being snarky with me.”

“Then
stop acting like I’m the enemy and treat me with the respect, not to mention
decent common courtesy I deserve for no other reason than the truth which is I
am
her father.”

Feeling
the sting of his betrayal all over again, she slammed the cup in the sink,
whirling around so fast, she felt lightheaded and briefly saw spots swirling
before her eyes before she arrested Barrington with a look that could quite
possibly melt the Glacier Hemisphere. “What do you want from me? You want me to
get down on all fours and kiss your lily white feet, declaring all hail to
Daddy Knight?”

“You’re
not funny, Perri.”

“Good!
I’m glad you realize that because right now I’m being totally serious.”

“That’s
the problem! You’re too serious about your feelings and could give two shakes
of a rat’s ass about mine.”

His
comment made her realize she’d unintentionally hurt his feelings. And not for
the first time, it dawned on Perri if anyone should be all hurt, mad, upset and
spooning out hefty sizes of repressed anger it was Barrington; yet here he was
showing her kindness, trying to be logical where she was being downright
unreasonable, not to mention outright nasty and hateful. She couldn’t be more
ashamed if Barrington had pointed in her face, calling her a hypocrite, which
was exactly how she’d been acting toward him.

“I’m
sorry, Barrington. You’re right,” she admitted. “I haven’t been considerate of
your feelings where our daughter is concerned. For that, I apologize to you.”
Chancing a look at him she said, “I honestly mean that.”

Affording
her an easy smile he realized he never could stay mad at her for long
especially when she owned up to her mistakes which he knew wasn’t easy for her
to do. He also knew it was twice as hard for her to get used to the idea of
sharing their daughter with him and that he shouldn’t expect too much too soon
being that for all intended purposes it was going to take time. And hadn’t he
promised her they’d have plenty of time to work it out together? Knowing she
was determined to keep a wall between them, Barrington was more determined to
knock down all the barriers that kept them oceans apart, promising himself that
instead of helping her fight the troubled waters, he’d wade the bitter waters,
riding out each wave with her until it became sweet. He didn’t doubt it would
though he accepted that it would take as long as it takes.

“Apology
accepted.” Smiling, Barrington added, “Thank you.”

Puzzled,
she asked, “For what?”

“For
blessing me with such a beautiful baby; you did good, Perri.”

Unable
to hide her smile, she said, “We both did an awesome job creating that
miracle.”

Allowing
her words to penetrate his thoughts, Barrington said to no one in particular,
“I just wish I could have been there to see such a precious creation make her
grand entrance into this awaiting world of possibilities.” He looked at her with
hopeful longing in his eyes. “I just want her to have the best of both our
worlds, different as they may be to others on the outside looking in, who only
choose to view our different colored skins. I don’t give a damn what society
says, I will never accept that Imani being blessed to have fifty percent of
your black heritage and fifty percent of my white heritage will turn out to be
a curse for her. Color didn’t play a factor in our love for each other, baby. I
won’t believe it has to make us use our daughter against each other.”

Brushing
tears from her eyes, Perri offered a weak smile. “I never want that for our baby.”

To
lighten the mood, he joked, “It’s unanimous; two for two isn’t bad. Dare we go
for three?”

She
laughed. “You’re crazy as ever. Small wonder our child is such a ham.”

“And
I could sure eat her up.” He shook his head. “I’m still in awe that beautiful
little being is
mine
. I never would have thought I was capable of making
such a valuable contribution to this sometimes crazy mixed up world.”

“Sometimes
crazy?” she said, chuckling.

He
grinned. “I’m in a zone; nothing but positive thoughts centered around our
girl’s world.”

Drying
her hands on the dishtowel, Perri took his hand. “Follow me, please.”

After
taking his time perusing around, he said, “I feel privileged. You actually let
me see the inside of your office where you create, I’m sure, the most amazing
designs I’ve ever seen.”

“Please
don’t mock me.”

Hooking
his finger under her chin, he raised it to meet his gaze, “It’s called sweet
honesty, Perri. Sincerity is exactly what I’m offering you at all times.”

She
swallowed hard, purposely stopping herself from swooning in his awaiting arms.
And it was a struggle, knowing his arms held the sweetest warmth she’d ever
known.
Too bad the one thing they lacked was security.
That thought
entered her mind without permission. Forcing herself to get past the hurt for
the moment, she walked over to the entertainment center and scanned the shelf,
finding what she wanted, and popped it into the DVD player. “You need to see
this, Barrington.”

Following
her, he sat on the chaise without another word, eyes glued to the TV screen.

For
the next two hours, Barrington was enthralled with what he saw. Too choked up
to speak, he simply grabbed Perri’s hand bringing it to his mouth, kissing it
and then moving it to his chest where he allowed her to feel the beat of his
heart which still raced for her.

Understanding
his unspoken dialogue, she nodded, silently conveying how welcome he was.
Without thinking about it, she laid her head on his shoulder and together, she
and the father of her child cried as they continued to watch Imani make her
grand entrance into the world which was full of glorious possibilities where
her well-being was concerned. Not to mention love overflowing from both her
mommy and her daddy’s world—different as they’d always been.

With
his heart still so full, Barrington confessed, “Perri, even if I didn’t have
any hands with which to pick a woman to carry my seed I would still try my
damnedest to find a way to ensure it was only you. Thank you for sharing this
rare and precious moment with me, because you’re right; I really did need to
see it for more reasons than you’ll ever know.”

Perri
could only smile at him.

Kissing
her lips as friendly as his flaming desire would allow him to, Barrington said,
“Thank you once again, baby, for blessing me with such a beautiful daughter.
For truly I am a blessed man, and I can honestly say from the bottom of my
heart and the depth of my soul, I forgive you, Perri, for not telling me about
Imani.”

“Thank
you, Barrington,” was all she could manage to say.

He
tenderly wiped her tears away. “My sweet Perri, please don’t cry. I wanna see
you happy. You definitely deserve it.”

Sniffing,
she found her voice, whispering, “You can give Imani your last name.”

This
time it was Barrington who felt tears being tenderly stroked from his eyes.
Pounding his chest lightly three times with his fist was all he could manage to
do.

“You’re
so very welcome,” Perri replied quietly as she hugged him.