If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) (43 page)

“You
are the devil, Barrington!”

“I’ll
be whatever I have to be to make sure you live, woman. Now are you getting back
into the bed on your own, or do I have to call for reinforcement?”

“I
hate you! Do you hear me? I hate you, Barrington!”

“I
love you, Perri,” Barrington said, his voice cracking.

“You
go to straight to hell!” Perri meant to slap his face but she stumbled,
tripping over the bed sheet gathered at her feet, and hit her head on the edge
of the nightstand.

“Perri!”
Barrington made to catch Perri’s falling body, “Perri!” he shouted, tears
clouding his vision, as he gathered his wife in his arms, determined to get her
to the hospital before it was too late. “I got you, baby. I got you, sweet
Perri.”

How
much more pain was she expected to take from this one man? That was Perri’s
last thought before giving way to the darkness that was calling her name.

***

Three
days later, Perri opened her eyes, seeing Barrington watching over her like a
fierce lion. He leaned forward, smiling at her as he grabbed hold of her cold
and limp hand.

“Welcome
back to the land of the living, baby girl.”

Perri
couldn't help smiling back. “Thanks, G-Man,” she said weakly. “May I please
have some water?”

That
was music to Barrington’s ear. “You can have whatever you want, baby.” He
happily got her some water and held her head up while she drank it.

Perri
was too grateful to be alive to fight with Barrington anymore. No, she still
didn't understand what he wanted from her as far as his daughter, Jordy went.
No, she still didn't have any intention of raising Nia's child. No, she wasn't
over the loss of her own infant son. No, she would never be the same again. But
in spite of it all, Perri just wanted to go home and finish caring for the baby
she already had. Imani needed her and she needed Imani even more.

And
looking up in Barrington's yellow-green eyes, Perri couldn't and wouldn't deny
knowing her husband needed her, too. She witnessed the love in his eyes, and
her heart soared to the heavens. At that moment, Perri knew she had to go home
with her husband, and together they had to salvage their marriage. It was going
to be hard work, but she was up to the challenge. Bottom line, Perri loved her
some Barrington.

***

Several
days later, Perri was settled back at home with her family and friends hovering
over her whenever she was awake. It didn't bother her, though, since she had
missed them all like crazy during her stay at the hospital. She shuddered,
thinking back on how Barrington told her she'd collapsed and went into a
semi-coma state. Perri remembered saying she didn't want to live and just
assumed her subconscious was giving her access to the power to make that
happen, regardless of how hurt the people she left behind would be over losing
her. But here she was back at home, very much still alive, taking care of Imani
and her husband.

And,
somehow, by the grace of God, Perri even managed to hold Jordy just to give
Barrington a reprieve whenever their family, their friends, or a hired nurse
wasn't there to help him out. The man she called her husband had his hands full
taking care of home, choosing to oversee and delegate the responsibility, if at
any time it ever got to be too much for him. Perri still had some grief and
major issues concerning Jordy to work through, but she promised herself she'd keep
an open mind.

Besides,
whenever she looked into the little girl's emerald green eyes, Perri was
secretly hooked. Every day it got a little easier to look at Jordy, feed her,
cradle her, rock her, soothe her without thinking about Nia being her natural mother.
Of course, it just made sense to appoint Tina honorary godmother; after all,
she was the only one who could explain to Jordy the person Nia was before she
became so consumed with jealousy and envy. Everyone knew Nia was desperate to
have Barrington's child so that she'd always have a tie to him. But only Tina
knew the truth of just how bad Nia had wanted Jordy. And the truth was Jordy
needed and deserved to have a full-time mother who wanted her, and would enjoy
fulfilling that leading role in her life.

It
was also true Perri wasn't quite there yet, though she could feel herself
inching towards it on a day-by-day basis. But no matter what, through it
all—good, bad, and indifferent—Perri was proud to be Barrington's wife.

With
newfound energy, strength and vitality, Perri popped in her favorite CD, played
her theme song, Purify Me by India Arie, and did something she hadn't done in
way too long. Perri danced for the Lord until unspeakable joy returned to her
soul.

Barrington
stood in the doorway watching his wife with pride and joy, loving her like he'd
never loved another woman in his life, knowing God made her for him. He admired
her from afar as she danced with all her might throwing her entire body, heart,
soul, and spirit into every move to the point that, by the end of the song, she
was laughing out loud, raising her hands and praising God.

Knowing
his wife needed this intimate time with the Lover of her soul, Barrington
quietly closed the door, leaving Perri to be alone with her Lord.

Noticing
her husband as he shut the door behind him, her love for him surged forward and
Perri rushed to the door and flung it open.

“G-Man?”
she called to him. “Please don't go.”

“Hey,
baby.” Barrington smiled at the beautiful sight of his wife as his cock jumped
with the urgent need to make love with and to his wife. “I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to interrupt.”

Perri
held out her hands. “Stay with me for a little while.”

Taking
her hands, Barrington allowed his wife to pull him inside their bedroom.

“I'm
sorry, Barrington, for any pain I've caused you. Will you please forgive me?”

“There's
nothing to forgive, baby. I love you, Perri, no matter what. I know you've been
hurting for a long time, baby girl. I'm sorry for my part in causing that hurt.
Will you please forgive me?”

Perri
smiled and hugged him tight. “I already have, baby boy.” She looked into his
beautiful yellow-green eyes. “You're my husband, Barrington. And I need you
something awful bad.” She winked seductively at him. “Dance with me, G-Man.”
Perri pulled him up.

“You
don't have to ask me twice.” Barrington crooned a beautiful ballad as he and
his wife danced in sync with the beat of their hearts, flying high on the wings
of love with each lyric.

“God,
sweet Perri, I wanna make love to you.”

“You
just wanna get me on my back,” she beamed with unconditional love for her man.

“Yes,
guilty as charged,” Barrington said with no shame in his game.

Lost
inside his love, Perri melted in Barrington's arms. “Hit me, Barry.”

Barrington
captured his wife's mouth, devouring it while savoring the sweet honey dew he
found inside. He made love to her mouth, mating with her tongue like it was the
first time he'd ever tasted her lips. His chest swelled with more love for her
with every moan and sigh that escaped from deep inside her soul.

Perri
broke the heated kiss, slowly undressed Barrington, and after allowing him to
undress her, she led her husband to their bed, pulling back the covers. She
slid inside and scooted over to make room for him. Gently pushing him flat on
his back, Perri climbed on top of him and began a slow, deliberate, teasing
game of lick, nibble and soothe as she kissed every inch of his bare skin. She
enjoyed the pleasurable sounds he made every time her lips made contact with
his sensitive skin, using it as motivation as she caressed his manhood before
taking it into her mouth to take him to the land of sweet release.

Not
ready to come undone yet, Barrington switched positions, easing Perri backward
and with the expertise she'd come to expect from him, he pleasured his wife
with a variety of foreplay ranging from body massages and body kisses to
intimate finger play, intimate tongue play, and intimate mouth teasing,
licking, nibbling and suckling of her bodily juices from the delectable sweet
spot of her core. After his wife experienced a few mind-blowing orgasms,
Barrington slowly began his escapade of loving her body from head to toe all
over again.

Perri
thought she'd die if Barrington didn't join her soon. “Barry . . .”

“I'm
coming, sweet Perri.” Satisfied she was more than ready for him Barrington
slowly entered his wife's wet and slippery sex, joining their bodies, creating
a rhythm that was solely of their own making.

Both
shedding tears of joy, together in their undefiled bed of pleasure, Barrington
and Perri made lyrical love with and to each other, sending each other over the
edge separately and together, until so satiated with love, joy, peace and
happiness, they both knew the other was healed inside and out.

Not
wanting to break bodily contact, Barrington and Perri slumbered deep while all
wrapped up, tied up, and tangled up in each other's unconditional love.

“So
what are you saying, Perri? I should just throw Jordy out on the street?”

“No—”

“Turn
my back on my own flesh and blood—regardless of how she got here?”

“No
B—”

“What
then, Perri?” he wanted to know. “Because you got me confused on this here one,”
he said honestly.

Perri
folded her arms. “Are you gonna let me speak or was that just a rhetorical
question?”

Not
amused he glared at her, “Don’t be cute, woman.” Shaking his head adamantly, he
declared, “Now’s not the time.”

“I’m
serious, Barrington. You ask me questions then don’t give me time to respond
just because it may or may not be what you wanna hear.” She took a deep, cleansing
breath that did nothing to deter the feelings of resentment that had a hold on
her. “Look,” she tried to explain, “I’m sorry you’re frustrated with me,
Barrington, and I’m sorry that I’m as equally frustrated with you. But right
now that’s exactly what I feel. For that I make no apologies because I feel
what I feel and that’s real. Furthermore, Barrington, for your information, I
was not suggesting you throw that poor child out on the street—”

“Good,”
he remarked relieved, “because she’s been through enough as it is. To add to
the pain and misery of losing her mom the way she did . . .” He shook his head.
“I can’t do it, baby. I just can’t.” Searching her eyes for compassion, even a
tad, he added, “I hope you can understand that.”

“I
agree Jordy shouldn’t have to pay for the crimes of her mother. Like you said,
regardless of how she got here, she’s here. I know I have to deal with that and
I’m trying, Barrington, honestly I am. But you need to understand that even
though I know it’s not Jordy's fault, it’s also not mine.” Perri swallowed back
the pending emotions welling up inside. “That may sound cruel; I’m not trying
to be insensitive here. Just . . .”

“Just
what?”

“I
don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Barrington. I got a pretty good idea what
you want me to do. But I’m not sure I can give you what you want,” she admitted
to both their disappointments; but she had to be honest with him. It was the
only way. Enough lies had been put out there to keep them both confused and, if
Nia had had her way, those same lies would have also continued keeping them
apart.

“Perri?”

“What?”

“Do
me a favor?”

She
nodded.

Barrington
said, “Tell me, as of this moment, exactly how you feel about Jordy.”

Momentarily
averting her gaze, she forced the rising bile back down her throat. After a
deep breath, she placed her right hand over her heart. “In here, Barrington, I
know Jordy is your daughter; I know you love her and you want me to love her.
In my heart, I know it's not her fault, her mother's actions and all. But you're
racing a mile a minute; you're taking me too fast here, Barrington and, I'm
just trying to keep up. Maybe not at the pace you deem necessary, but I'm
trying to keep up That’s all I got right now.”

Thoughtfully,
Barrington took a moment to mull over what his wife said and truly tried to
consider the position Nia’s deception had forced her in. But then again, he
thought, wasn’t that exactly what she’d also done to him?  Kind of in a way, he
reasoned within, but knew all too well better than to let that thought slip out
his mouth. His gaze fell on her and as he looked at her he wondered how he was
supposed to get through to this woman whom he loved more than his next breath.
Still, no matter how much he loved Perri, it wouldn’t be enough to undo all the
damage that Nia inflicted on both of them; especially on the daughter she
conceived without his knowledge or permission. He still couldn’t believe she
actually went so far as to have herself inseminated with some leftover semen
that she’d found in one of the condoms he used to protect Perri from an
unwanted and unplanned pregnancy. That was just sick! And it was also surreal.

At
the same time, Barrington didn’t believe Nia should have had to pay the high
cost of her lies through her own death. He pitied his ex-housekeeper as much as
he loathed her inexcusable actions. Barrington just could not wrap his brain
around the fact that any woman would be so desperate to have a part of a man,
any part of him—no matter if he returned her feelings or not—that she’d purposely
go out of her way to do whatever she felt necessary to get what she wanted in
spite of who it hurt. He knew that as far as he and Perri had come in terms of
their marriage and friendship, they still had a long ways to go. And the
circumstances surrounding his new child didn’t help at all. He wondered what to
do, knowing there was no way he could
not
take Jordy in, even after his
parents' offered to raise her for him. He couldn't do that. He was Jordy's sole
survivor and she was his responsibility. At the same time, he knew to
permanently take her in, Perri would definitely misconstrue as a betrayal to
his sincere commitment to their marriage.

Yet
the truth kept forcing its way to the forefront of Barrington’s mind. In his
heart he knew his youngest daughter deserved to know him every bit as much as
his first daughter did. And he deserved to know her, too, and for that matter,
so did Imani because whether anyone was ready to receive it or not his
daughters’ though having different mothers, were still siblings, and sisters
had a bond that couldn’t be touched. Perri should understand that as close as
she is to her sisters.

“Perri,
you can't not want me to acknowledge my daughter or for Imani not to
acknowledge her sister—because they are you know. Sisters, I mean. Do you want
to raise Imani to think it is okay to judge from outside appearances regardless
of the fact that the one being judged was a victim of the circumstances they
were born into?” Barrington knew he was hitting below the belt, he felt the
blow his question dealt to his wife’s heart; he felt it in his own spirit, and
it hurt to have to come at her this way. But at this point, he felt justified.
Convinced he had to do something, try something, anything to keep his family
from falling apart, and at the same time, find a way to add a new member to his
already existing family circle, because he was certain together they had enough
love to share with Jordy. At least he prayed that someday Perri would feel the
same way. It would be nice if today were that day; but he’d take what he could
get, what God was gracious enough to bestow upon him.

Perri
shook her head. “Why you gotta be so dramatic about everything?”

“Because,
Perri, dramatics seem to be the only thing you understand; at least where I’m
concerned.” Refusing to let this go, Barrington said rather impatiently, “Now
please answer my question.”

“All
right, all right. No, I don’t want Imani to disown her sister. Are you happy?”

Unable
to help the smile that spread across his lips, he said, “Very.”

“And
regardless of what you think I feel,” Perri continued, “I don’t want you to
disown your daughter, either. I would never ask you to do that and I'd never be
able to get past the fact you did, even if you somehow could make yourself do
it. I could never respect you if I knew you
knowingly
turned your back
on your own flesh and blood.”

Visibly
relieved, Barrington felt the heavy load he was carrying lighten upon hearing
his wife’s words. “Thank God,” he whispered. “You don’t know how glad I am to
hear you say that, Perri.”

Smiling,
she disagreed. “I believe I do know, Barrington, because I can still recall you
having the same reaction where our daughter was concerned once you knew she
existed.” Perri couldn't help thinking back on the mistakes she made in the past.
“I’m really sorry about that, Barrington. I was so wrong on so many levels for
doing you like I did; you didn’t deserve it and I had no right to choose for
you.” Ashamed, she lowered her head and admitted, “Guess I’m not so different
from Nia, huh?”

Before
either of them knew it Barrington had gathered Perri in his arms forcing her to
look up at him and shook his head in denial. “Don’t ever say that to me again,
or for that matter, don’t even repeat those words to anyone. Baby, you are
nothing
like Nia.”

“But
you were angry—more than angry at me for not telling you about Imani.”

“Yes
I was,” Barrington admitted, “still it’s not the same thing in your case.”

“But—”

“No,
baby, listen to what I’m saying.” He lightly kissed her lips forcing his self
not to lay her down on the carpet and make love to her until she knew in the
depths of her soul that he would never place her in the same category as Nia.
Perri had carved out a special place in his heart and no one would ever be able
to fill the space except her.

“I
could stand here, Perri, and give you a million and one reasons why you’re not
to be compared to Nia. The major and most important reason being, I wasn’t in
love with her; I never even considered her on that level. I mean,” he tried not
to sound harsh, “she was my housekeeper not the keeper of my heart.” He lightly
tapped her forehead. “That would be you, sweet Perri. Now, always and forever,”
Barrington confessed sealing his vow with a passionate kiss that sent them both
reeling to and frolicking on the floor where they proceeded to make love to and
with each other well into the night.

***

Having
lain there, contemplating her final decision, Perri spoke softly, “I give it
all up,” as tears welled up in her eyes.

Barrington
who’d been nibbling her neck paused. “You say something, baby?”

She
nodded. “Yes.”

Barrington
wasn’t completely sure but thought her voice, though very soft, sounded as if
she were crying, making him wonder if he'd hurt her during their intense
lovemaking.
Needing to see for himself, he turned Perri face to him. “What’s wrong, baby?”
he asked, his voice gentle as a baby's breath, while his concerned eyes
lovingly inspected her naked body. “Did I hurt you?”

Barely
shaking her head, she said, ‘Of course not, G-Man.” She smiled in spite of
herself. “I can handle you just fine, thank-you-very-much.”

Ignoring
her humor for the moment, he pressed, “What then?”

She
took a while to respond thinking about how best to answer her husband.

“Perri?”
Barrington honestly didn’t know what to make of her sudden change in mood and
it was really starting to scare him. He wondered if she'd decided to leave him
over this whole Jordy issue; the suspense was enough to kill him.

Detecting
alarm in his tone, she assured him, “It’s not what you think, baby.”

Somewhat
relieved, he said, “Perri, talk to me. What’s going on, baby?”

“As
a family, Barrington, what’s going on with me is the best thing for us all.”

New
hope sprang forth inside Barrington’s soul as he sat straight up in bed and in
one smooth move, sat his wife on his lap, looking deep in her beautiful
chocolate brown eyes. “Are you saying what it sounds like you might be saying?”

With
a slight nod, Perri smiled. “I'm saying precisely that.”

Emotion
filled Barrington. “You mean it, Perri? For real, baby? You want—”

“To
please God,” she interjected. “I give up all the animosity, resentment,
bitterness, jealousy, hate and rage I felt towards Nia, so that I can help
raise her and your daughter with the same love and devotion I do with our
daughter. They are sisters regardless of how it came about; and they do deserve
to grow up knowing each other, given the chance to have each other’s back,
developing an even stronger bond than they already have between them.

“And
you, Barrington, you deserve to be a part of your daughters’ lives and have
them be a part of your life without feeling guilty just because I’m not the
mother of them both.” Framing his handsome face, Perri kissed his lips softly
and said, “You shouldn’t have to choose between your wife and your children
when together, under the same roof, we can just all be one big happy family.”

Barrington
could only pull her to his chest and hold her close to his heart as tears
rolled down his face. He loved this woman more than life itself and he’d gladly
give up his own life just to make good and sure she was alive and well. After
several minutes, Barrington whispered a heartfelt, “Thank you, sweet Perri.”

“You’re
welcome, my one true love. And I do love you, Barrington. More than you could
ever know.”

“Oh,
I do know, Perri. I’ve always known you love me—even when you thought I left
you on your own. When I laid eyes on you again in spite of your cold treatment,
I knew you loved me. I know you’ll always love me, Perri, because I feel your
love no matter where I am. I know you’re always down for me, you always have my
back. And this just further proves it, baby!”

They
shared an intimate kiss that said everything else they couldn’t.

“Thank
you, Perri. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

“You’re
welcome, Barrington; I do know how much this means to you. But as I said, I
want to please God; so while I’m glad you benefit from that pleasure, this is
not at all about us, and, totally about Him. Barrington, what I’m promising to
you . . . that’s what I give up for the Kingdom.”