If You Only Knew (And Then Came Love Book 1) (29 page)

Liza paused. “I came into this profession, because a friend of mine in elementary school was raped and killed by her foster father. I didn’t want that to happen to other kids. I wanted to help out. And after three years in this job, I hate it. I can’t do anything to save kids. All I can do is wait for Child Protective Services to do something. I feel like I’m caught in a vicious circle, it’s not about the kids, but what management does preventing me
from
doing my job.”

“Social services isn’t an easy field to work in.”

“Especially when you’re dealing with people who care more about the politics than the people. Don’t get me wrong, there are people at the Yarrow Center who care. It’s the bosses who ignore the kids, push things off on me and others, so they have time to schmooze with the people donating funds. They’re so busy ass kissing and pushing their jobs on us, that they’re the ones who stop us from getting anywhere.”

They spent the remainder of the hour discussing work and the problems she was having.

Lesley glanced at the clock. “Our time is up, but I can see where you’d have issue with your job. I’ll let them know you’re in counseling, but I won’t reveal any of our conversation here.”

Liza nodded. “Thank you for listening.”

Lesley smiled. “That’s what they pay me for.” She opened the door. “Follow me and I’ll take you to Dr. Marcus’ office.”

They walked down the hall. Lesley smiled as a man came out of one of the offices. He stopped when he saw her. “Lesley.”

“Dr. Marcus, this is Liza Thomas, she’s supposed to come down and see you when we were done?”

Dr. Marcus smiled at her. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Liza. I was about to get Julian, why don’t you step in my office and we’ll talk for a moment before I go get him.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to step on his toes or anything.”

He chuckled. “You know him well, don’t you?” He opened his office door and motioned Liza inside. After closing the door, he strode over to his desk and sat down. “I’ve worked with Julian for a great many years. You’re the only one besides family who has ever come to my office to talk about him.”

Liza pursed her lips, unsure of what to say. “I think it might be better if we let Julian know we’re talking about him.”

Dr. Marcus shook his head. “I’m frustrated, Liza. Very, very frustrated. I’ve spent the last fourteen years working with a man who claims he wants to get better, but can’t seem to do the one thing that may help him.”

“Take his pills regularly.” Liza looked down at her lap.

He came around the desk and sat on the corner of the desk. “I’ve heard a great many stories about you, Liza. You’re a strong, confident woman, who’s not afraid to speak her mind. Don’t let him dictate what you say to me. I have his permission to talk to you. Tell me what’s going on in your relationship. You’re what, five months into your pregnancy, if we don’t address things now, what happens when the baby gets here?”

She bit her lip, took a deep breath, and looked up to meet his eyes. “Jealousy. He tends to be controlling. He’s been drinking.”

“I was afraid of that.” Dr. Marcus let out a heavy sigh. He narrowed his eyes. “Why do you stay?”

“Because I’m in love with him and I can’t imagine my life without him. I’d say seventy-five to eighty percent of the time we’re together he’s sweet and attentive. It’s the twenty to twenty-five percent of the time he’s drunk or having episodes that we have problems.”

“How often has he been getting drunk?”

“I don’t know. He’s been sober when he gets home. I smell it on his clothes sometimes.” Liza hung her head and a tear ran down her face.

Dr. Marcus joined her on the couch and put his arm around her. “You love him, that’s for sure. So let’s try to get you two to move through this.”

The door opened and Julian stepped inside.

His fists clenched at his side as he stared at the two of them. “Mind getting your hands off her, Doc?”

“And that’s the first place your mind goes?” Dr. Marcus stood up and stood right in front of Julian. To the point of being in his face.

Liza’s eyes widened.

“Back the fuck off.”

Julian’s eyes narrowed.

Dr. Marcus pointed at her. “You look her in the eye and tell her you believe she would cheat on you.”

Julian’s gaze met hers.

“Tell her, tell the woman you love you think she’s cheating on you.” Dr. Marcus jabbed at him with his finger. “I don’t pull punches, Julian. You know this. Go ahead and tell her.”

Julian rubbed his forehead and then sank onto the couch. “I can’t. I don’t believe it.”

“Then why was that the first thought when you walked into the room?”

“It’s hard to change when all you’ve ever known is untrustworthy people.”

“That’s a bunch of shit. You have more trustworthy people standing behind you on this than you have standing against you.” Dr. Marcus sat down in the chair, leaned forward and pointed at Julian. “In fact, the only person standing against you, is you.”

“Is me?”

“Your experiences, your fears, your insecurities that’s what’s stopping this relationship from progressing.” He grabbed a folder from the desk and began to flip through it, stopping at one particular paper. “You told me while you two were on the outs that your whole world changed when she walked into your life. What’s changed from that moment to this?”

“Nothing.” Julian looked over at Liza. “She’s incredible.”

Liza offered a smile.

Julian moved over on the couch and pulled her into his arms. “I wish I could find a way to show you just how much I love you. Because if you feel half the love I feel for you, I know you’d never leave.”

Liza rested her hand against his cheek and looked deeply into his eyes. “If you only knew.”

“What?”

“How much I believe in you?” She threaded her fingers with his. “How much I believe in us.”

“You believe in us?” He pressed a kiss against her hand.

“Of course, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be here. Even on your worst days, I can’t imagine my life without you.” Liza rested her head against his chest. She belonged here, with him. Others wouldn’t understand, his disorder changed him from time to time, but her heart was his.

Julian ran his fingers up and down her back. He looked over at Dr. Marcus. “Her words hit me in the heart every time. I can feel how much she loves me. Why can’t I get it here.” He pointed to his head.

“Because your brain knows every one of your insecurities. It remembers every time you’ve been hurt in the past and it realizes how much it would kill you if this fell apart.” Dr. Marcus smiled. “You’re moving in the right direction, but the accusations have to stop. That’s not the way you treat the woman you love.”

Liza looked up at Julian. “I’m going to go to the waiting room, I’m sure you two have things to talk about.” She stood and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I love you and to me love is enough.”

She squeezed his hand before heading out of the room.

*****

August 2
nd

Liza stopped at the gas station on her way to work. She bought a cup of coffee.  Why did she buy coffee? She cooled it down, paid for it, and headed out to her car. The first drink was bitter and she cringed at the taste. Yeah – this was the reason she never drank it straight. Downing most of the cup wasn’t her smartest move.

By the time, she reached the other side of town to pick up her client her hands were shaking. Her leg bounced. She picked up her client and drove her to the other side of town for an appointment.

Liza waited in the car. The shaky and wired feeling continued, she closed her eyes to center herself.

The passenger’s side door opened and Gail, her client, climbed inside. “I’m super excited. They helped me with my electric bill and my water bill. I am caught up.”

Liza forced a smile. She started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. “Good to hear. Now, remember to try and keep ahead.”

“Um-hm.” Gail’s head was down and she was typing away on her phone.

Pulling out onto the highway, Liza began the long journey to Gail’s apartment. As she got closer her fingers melded to the steering wheel. The shakiness spread throughout her body. She willed her fingers to release the wheel, but no such luck.

Her heart was beating so hard like it was beating out of her chest, her breath came in gasps. She glanced at her client, but Gail was in her own little world. Nothing phased her.

The car closed in around her. There was no way out, she was trapped. Another peak at Gail and the car drifted into the other lane.

Gail looked up and then at her phone. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” Liza maneuvered the vehicle into the left hand lane.

She signaled to take the turn off which led to Gail’s apartment. Breathing in slowly and methodically, Liza kept control long enough to pull into the parking lot.

Come on, Liza. Breath in through your nose, out through your mouth. You can do this. Get Gail home and then you can fall apart.

Gail got out of the car and looked at her. She shook her head and headed toward her apartment.

Liza’s hands trembled as she pulled out of the parking lot. She managed to ease her foot off the accelerator when she hit fifty on the in town road. She had to stop.

Finding the closest gas station and parked. She rested her head against the seat, closed her eyes, and continued her breathing exercise. Deep breath in, hold it, let it out. Deep breath in, hold it, let it out. She continued this until her heart rate slowed.

Her hands tingled as she grabbed her laptop. The restaurant in the gas station boasted free wifi, so she be able to get on and at least check her e-mail. She had an hour and a half to kill before her next appointment. She hoped she’d be able to calm herself down by then.

Liza looked at her e-mail and found a message from Joanne’s case worker, Kathy Maxwell. Clicking it, she read the message.

Hi Liza. Just checking in, have you had a chance to contact Desiree Owens yet?

Desiree Owens? Who the hell was Desiree Owens? She yanked her bag off the floor and began to scan through her files, trying to find any reference to this mystery client. Finding nothing, she sent Kathy a response.

Kathy, can you give me any more information? I just dropped off a client, not sure I have Desiree Owens information.

Liza crossed her fingers, hoping Kathy sent the message to the wrong case worker.

The message made her heart rate increase again. With trembling fingers she punched Julian’s number into her phone.

“Hey babe, what’s up?”

“I’m feeling strange today. I can’t stop shaking and my heart is racing like crazy.” Liza slid down in the seat and pressed the lock button on the door. This wasn’t the best neighborhood. She scanned through her e-mails checking to see if maybe Kate sent anything to her. Sorting them by name she began opening the e-mails.

“Do you want me to call the doctor?” Julian’s voice soothed her a bit.

“No, I just need to talk for a bit.” Liza closed her eyes. Sleep called her name, but she refused to let it win. She rubbed her eyes and continued to read the messages.

“Were you feeling all right when you woke up this morning?”

There was concern in his voice. He was worried about her. It made her smile. “I didn’t sleep well.  Couldn’t find a comfortable position. I ended up drinking a cup of coffee, which I never do, so I’m assuming it’s my body’s reaction to the caffeine.” She opened an e-mail and her eyes grew wide. It was the e-mail she needed to prove Kate told her to pick up the parents first. Looking closer she noticed Kate had CC’ed Trina as well. Shit! They both knew.

“Why don’t you call Kate and tell her you’re sick? Let me take care of you for the afternoon.”

“I can’t come home. I have too much stuff to do and won’t make my numbers if I don’t finish out today.” The trembling increased. A snap decision, she forwarded the message to Julian.

She typed at the top.
Sending you something. See if it’s clear enough.

A new message popped up, Kathy responded. “I have to go. Work came in.”

“Liza, you’re worrying me. Are you sure you’re all right?”

“I’ll be fine. Love you.” She hung up the phone and clicked on the e-mail from Kathy.

Liza,

Kate said she assigned the case to you last week. She said you’d have something for me by the end of the week. Seeing as it is Thursday, I was curious if you had seen her as of yet. Thanks, Kathy Maxwell

Liza racked her brain. She remembered no conversations with Kate regarding a Desiree Owens.  Hell, she didn’t even meet with Kate last week. What was happening? Was this Kate’s revenge for Liza trying to call her out?

Shit. Liza clutched at her chest, the pressure built until it felt like someone crushed her rib cage between two boards. She swallowed hard in hopes the constriction would release and dropped her head to the steering wheel. Tears rolled down her face.

Liza closed her computer, put it in the bag, and started the car. Her foot hit the accelerator. The speedometer climbed in her race for the highway. Her heart rate increased as the numbers on the speedometer climbed higher and higher. She hit the highway at seventy-five, pulling out in front of a car, her eyes only focused on the road ahead of her.