Indigo (22 page)

Sabrina and Shawn are leaned up against the car staring at each other. “They’re probably grabbing much needed air,” I joke.

Kennedy grins. “They probably don’t have enough yet to talk.”

We both burst into laughter again, catching the attention of our friends.

“What’s so funny? And are you so drunk you’ve forgotten how to walk?” Sabrina gives me a knowing smile. After she calls it out I figure Kennedy would put me down, but his grip if anything, has gotten tighter.

“The nights still young,” Shawn chimes in. “Let’s watch a movie or something back at Indigo’s place, I don’t want to head home just yet.”

He seems game enough, but I can tell by the look on his face he wanted more alone time with Sabrina. She must have told him nothing more was going to happen tonight. But the way those two are all over each other I secretly wonder how long that will last.

Everyone is looking to me for confirmation, and all the sudden I’m anxious. Maybe the night won’t sneak up on me as much if I’m with a group of people I trust. I don’t really want our time together to end either, but the thought of any of them witnessing my rituals make me nervous.

Before I can think of some kind of excuse to bow out, two girls, who are dressed to the nines in the littlest dresses I’ve ever seen, spot us, and begin to make their way over.

“Shit,” I hear Shawn mutter. He tries to grab Sabrina’s hand, but she avoids it and studies his face, which seems to somehow echo the sentiment of his curse. Kennedy’s grip tightens on my back and I turn to him in confusion.

What’s going on?

“Shawn,” a girl with huge boobs and pale lipstick croons. She’s seems like the type of girl who knows exactly what she’s doing at all times. Must be nice. “Funny seeing you here.”

“Why is that funny?” Cuts in Sabrina, her voice sharp. She’s staring the girl down with the same face she had when she confronted that girl in the bar in my defense.

The two girls look at each other with a knowing smile, and seem to brush off Sabrina’s rudeness. “Actually, it’s not that funny. Shawn told me he had plans tonight.”

Her words don’t do much to pacify Sabrina. The tension in the air is heavy, and my good energy starts to quickly fade. Suddenly, I’m very uncomfortable in Kennedy’s arms.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Sabrina asks, turning to Shawn, her look falsely expectant.

Shawn looks like he’s swallowed a bowling ball and would rather do anything but introduce these two girls. He does a quick unenthusiastic introduction, and I learn their names are Caprice and Maria.

The two girls then look in my direction. “Indigo, right?” This from the other girl, who’s speaking for the first time. She isn’t making any secret of staring at my cheek, and in the face of her beauty I suddenly feel terribly self-conscious.

I fight not to cover my scar. “Yeah.”

I don’t bother to ask her how she knows me, but she doesn’t seem to care.

“I knew that was you. I didn’t read it but I recognize you from the photo in the paper. I--“

“What paper?”

Sabrina and I ask the same question simultaneously, her voice furious, my voice terrified.

Both girls look at us like we’re crazy. “The school paper,” Maria continues. “You were on the front page this morning, didn’t you know about it?”

For a few seconds, my mind goes numb. I hear Sabrina cursing in the background, but I’m so shocked I think my body doesn’t know how to react yet. When I take a breath, life pours back into me and fear mixed with anger clenches my stomach and clouds my vision. I hear Kennedy calling my name, but I can’t answer.

“Oh my god,” I whisper. “Oh my god.”

“She can’t do that!” I hear Sabrina shouting. “Indigo, you can sue the shit out of her for publishing your photo without permission. She’s done!”

“Who’s done? What the hell is going on?” I see Shawn trying to grab Sabrina’s hands, which are flailing around her face.

“I need to see the paper,” I say out loud.

“The dragon lady published Indigo’s photo in the paper after she specifically said she didn’t want it there, ever!” Sabrina explains in a rage. “We’ve got to find one of those newspapers!”

“Wait, who is the dragon lady?” Shawn seems completely at a loss trying to follow Sabrina’s outburst.

“The Dean, the fucking dean!” Sabrina answers. “She tricked Indigo into going into her office the other day, saying she wanted to get to know her, when all she really wanted to do was use her to promote this fucking college!”

Shawn stills, and whirls around to face Kennedy and me. Confusion and shock are written across his face as he locks eyes with Kennedy. But I can’t concentrate on him either because fear is beginning to completely take over.

“Yeah, we’re going to go.” The girls, who I have completely forgotten about put in awkwardly. “Shawn, Kennedy, we’re still on for tomorrow night, right?”

No one says a word, and for a moment, we all just watch the two girls leave. “See you then,” they say, even though no one answered their question. Wow.

I’m suddenly all too aware of Kennedy’s hands on my body, and just like that, I feel dirty.

“Put me down,” I tell him quietly.

“Indigo, listen, there’s some things I have to tell you--“

“PUT ME DOWN!” This time, when I shout it, he listens. “I can’t be touched right now!”

I stand awkwardly on my feet and fight back tears. I need to be alone, away from everyone. I think about my picture in the paper, and blanch at everyone who will see it. People can find out where I am.
She
will know I’m here. The thought nearly brings me to my knees.

The alcohol is sitting hot and unwelcome in my belly and I wonder if I’ll be sick. I put my hands on my knees and try to take deep breaths.

“Fuck you!” Sabrina screams at Shawn, obviously overwhelmed herself. She shoves Shawn away from her and grabs my hand, yanking me from my position. “Fuck you both, we’re outta here.”

“Indigo stop!” Kennedy calls, running up behind us, “I don’t even fucking know those girls! They’re just trying to cause trouble, please let me come with you, we can look for a newspaper together.”

Shawn swoops in from behind me and goes after Sabrina, who is already backing away.

I push his hands away from me. “I need to be alone right now, you don’t understand.” My picture, in the paper. I resist the urge to scream. My arms curl around and into myself and I wonder how I’m going to make the walk home.

“Don’t push me away,” he pleads, standing in front of me. “I thought tonight was a good night. I thought we were getting somewhere.” His handsome face seems sincere, his big muscled body submissive in front of me.

But all I can think about is how he’s standing too close. I back away and shake my head. “I can’t deal with this right now. I don’t care about those girls, Kennedy, honestly, do whatever you want right now.”

I can see the hurt on his face, and the small edge of anger in his eyes at my words. “I want you to care. Not about those girls, but I want you to care. I’m trying to be close to you, can’t you see that?”

Tears well up and one falls down my cheek. I hear a noise behind me, and whirl around to see where it came from, but I just see darkness. It’s happening, I’m already losing it.

“Indigo, I want to tell you--“

“You’ve told me enough tonight,” I whisper. “I’ve told you enough tonight. Let’s just leave it alone right now, please.” Another sound. I’m freaking out. There’s so many people around, all strangers. “You’re better off with one of those girls. I’m sorry Kennedy, but I can’t talk right now.”

He comes at me again, but I turn and start to run. The wind pierces my skin, and I hang on to the feeling of how sharp it is to distract me. Sabrina calls my name, but I don’t stop. My dorm isn’t far, but by the time I make it, I’m out of breath.

I swipe my card before rushing into the front door of my hall, and I hear Sabrina grab the door right before it closes. I rush toward the bottom of the staircase, where I know they keep the newspapers for us to grab. There’s one left, and my fingers shake when I pick it up.

I see myself instantly and suck in a breath. It’s a close up, of my face, of my scar.

It must have been taken on my way to class, but it’s candid so I can’t tell. My black hair is blowing behind me, and there’s a smile on my face. The silhouette of the hills are sitting majestically in the background, and for all intents and purposes, I look like a happy and normal college student.

“Sabrina, is this paper online?” I ask her the question as soon as the thought occurs to me. My stomach begins to clench again, and I start to hunch over.

Sabrina rips the paper from my hands and stares down at in a rage. “Yes, they only print like 500 copies for the dorms, and the rest is online.”

I don’t resist the urge anymore. She’s going to find me.

I grab onto Sabrina’s arm in terror, and burst into tears. 

“Indigo!” She grabs a hold of me before I hit the floor, and tries to wrap me in her arms. “It’s okay! We won’t let her get away with this, you’ll see!”

I try and swallow a scream before it can break free, and a high pitched strangled noise comes out of my throat instead. She doesn’t understand.

“First thing tomorrow morning, I’ll march right into her office myself and threaten her with the lawsuit of her life,” she says in an effort to comfort me. “See if I don’t!”

I drop the paper, no longer wanting to see the photo. “It doesn’t matter,” I whisper, trying to explain. “It’s already too late, I don’t even care about the Dean.”

A large security guard comes racing around the corner, staring at us in confusion. “What’s going on? What’s the trouble?”

His stern tone of voice helps me gather myself and I do my best to regain my feet. “Nothing. I’m okay, everything’s okay.”

“We’re fine,” Sabrina reiterates sternly, not letting go of my arm. “We were just going upstairs, you can go back to your donuts now.”

He glares at Sabrina, but decides to ignore her rude comment. I’m pretty sure it’s because he realized who I was, and is apparently going to let me get away with crying like a mad woman in the hallway. “If there is any trouble, I’m right in here,” he says instead, looking in my direction. I nod once, and we both move towards the stairs.

“Indigo, what is it?” Sabrina asks, when we’re standing outside the door to my room. “If it’s not the Dean what is it?”

I’m exhausted as if I’ve just run a marathon when I open the door. Sabrina just watches me as I use the rest of my energy to look around the room, checking every nook and cranny, going through my rituals to make sure we’re alone. “Indigo?”

After a few moments I settle on the bed with my head in my hands. “I’m sorry.”

I feel the bed sink in as she moves next to me. “There’s more to this than you’re telling me. I don’t ever ask you anything personal, but I’m asking you now.”

I stretch my fingers in and out, trying to relieve the numb feeling that is starting to take over. “There is.”

I can tell she’s eyeing the contraption Kennedy installed on my window while she waits for me to explain. Can I tell her? Can I even say it out loud? On the one night I make real progress, everything blows up my in my face. Thoughts of Kennedy make me feel more depressed, and I wish that I could go back to the moment we were in his car. He made me forget about everything for just a few seconds.

“I’m not sure how much you know about what happened to me,” I say on a sigh. “I haven’t really spoken about it to the media, or the police. I gave them the necessary details of course, but I’ve kept most of it to myself.” I move back to the middle of the bed, and sit Indian style. She doesn’t move, just waits for me to continue. “I haven’t even told my mother everything.”