Irresistible Fear (20 page)

“Did she let Marybeth have it?” Tavin asked, obviously enjoying the story. “Of course. Sasha has always had a weakness for the underdog and I was definitely the underdog. She told Marybeth where she could shove it, and then she herded me down the hallway, helping me to find my locker. I couldn't get away from her after that, not that I wanted to.” Emily smiled wistfully. Which is why not telling her about this, her dreams of Tavin was so difficult. She told Sasha everything; she was the first person outside of her Nanny that knew about her mother and the truth of the life she lived. Sasha had never judged her, only ever listened and offered help.

Sasha had asked her parents to let Emily live with them when they were sophomores. It was after a particularly brutal night with her mother, one that had of course involved the police and had of course led to nothing. Emily had lain crumbled in a heap on Sasha's bedroom floor. She always felt safe there, surrounded by Sasha's collection of stuffed monkeys and sage green walls. Sasha's parents had been wary of her back then and they hadn't been too keen on interfering. They were more worried that Emily would drag their daughter into trouble, for which Emily couldn't blame them. Sasha, of course, had become so angry that she threatened to run away. She hatched an elaborate plan to run off to her uncle's house in Florida. Sasha had it all planned out, she and Emily would use Sasha's saved allowance money to buy bus tickets. Sasha was convinced her Uncle Justin would let them live with him.

It hadn't worked out of course. They had bought the tickets and been waiting for the bus when Sasha's parents found them at the station. They had taken them both back to their house and talked with them for a long time. After that, Sasha's parents understood how serious Emily's situation was and how seriously their daughter was about her friend’s safety. They had made a report to social services and had continued to make reports every time Sasha told them anything. They became strong advocates for Emily, with Sasha her loudest champion of all.

“You have people who really love you. That's such an amazing thing Emily.” Tavin whispered in her ear. “I know. I don't have much, but what I do have is pretty important to me.” Emily looked up at him and made clear with her eyes that she included him in that short but important list.

Tavin leaned over her and kissed her deeply. She tried to focus on her desire to be with Tavin, but found she couldn't ignore that there was something
wrong
about this. Here she was again, over analyzing. But once it began, she couldn't stop. Tavin's fingers played with edge of her shirt, toying with the sensitive skin of her stomach. However, her enjoyment of this was at its end and she pulled back. How funny that it was she who stopped things cold this time when before she had been enraged at Tavin for doing the same.

Tavin tried to pull her back to him, pressing his mouth to her neck, nuzzling insistently. Emily gently pushed on his shoulders, urging him to stop. “Please Tavin, this has to stop.” Emily rolled off the bed, landing on the floor with a thud. She looked up and saw Tavin's hurt expression. “Here, let me help you up.” Tavin reached down and pulled Emily back up onto the bed. Emily could hear his breath coming in gusts as he tried to get himself under control. He didn't say anything for a long time, the silence between them thick with tension. Emily felt so ridiculous for stopping something that she wanted so badly. But the truth was the unanswered questions; the instinctual knowing that something wasn't quite “right” was clouding her desire for him.

“I'm sorry Emily.” Tavin said softly, putting his hands over his face. He laughed bitterly. “I feel like that's all I say to you anymore.” Emily's guilt was immediate and intense. She was doing it again. Hurting someone, killing any chance she had at a semblance of happiness. But for once she wouldn't ignore what her gut was trying to tell her, as much as her heart and her body argued against it.

“Tavin, I just can't get past this.” She waved her hands between them. Tavin looked at her with dread. He seemed to know where this conversation was headed and he didn't like it. He didn't question what she meant, only sat quietly...waiting.

“I can't trust anything that we have because it's all so flipping crazy! I don't know who you are or why I continue to see you night after night and you never answer my questions. I've become obsessed with you Tavin. Seriously, unhealthily obsessed. My best friend thinks I've gone crazy and maybe she's right. This has got to be a sign of serious mental illness. The fact is that I'm involved with someone that doesn't exist.”

Emily snorted and shook her head, putting physical distance between them. For the first time, she honestly wanted all of this to end. She felt weighed down by the implications of what these dreams may mean for her. Her paranoia was stronger than ever before. She could never quite shake the feeling that she was being watched. Emily felt sick when she thought about it for too long.

Tavin's expression was pained. After a few moments he took her hands in his and cradled them in his lap. He sighed and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing them softly. Then he buried his face into her palm. Her skin tingled with the touch and she felt her body instantly respond to him. Damn her traitorous hormones!

“You're not crazy Emily. I promise you, you're not.” He told her emphatically, finally looking up to meet her firm look. Emily rolled her eyes and pulled her hands away. “Like I'm really going to listen to some crazy figment of my imagination. As if that doesn't scream psychosis. Give me a break.” She scoffed. Tavin shook his head. “No, you don't understand. Maybe I'm not just some figment of your imagination. What if all this was something more? Something real.” He closed his eyes as if angry with himself. What in the world was he talking about? This was real? Yeah, and so was Santa Clause.

“Um, I don't think so Tavin. I think I really need to reevaluate my mental health here. This is not good for me. I need to forget you...to get rid of whatever this is.” Even though she meant the words she spoke, admitting them made her hurt, deep down.

She couldn't stomach the thought of never seeing him again, no matter how good it may be for her in the long run. Tavin blew out his breath in an exasperated huff. “Emily. I know why you think that. And part of me agrees with you. You
would
be better off without me. But I can't lose you. Not now that I've finally found you. Which I guess makes me horribly selfish.” He pulled her toward him and Emily didn't have the strength to put up a fight. Not that she actually wanted to.

“I'll figure this out. I have to. I can't leave you. Not ever.” His words freaked her out a bit. There was a tone to his voice that chilled Emily to the core. But that part of her that relished teenage girl angst loved his sentiment. She kind of hated that part of her right now. Because it out ruled the more reasonable part.

Emily didn't say anything more, letting Tavin hold her and after some time, she felt the world around her go grey and fuzzy, the sign that she would soon be waking up. And even though she was battling with some serious doubts right now, she couldn't help the rising panic that always accompanied this time of the night. That moment when she nearly went hysterical with the worry of whether she would ever see Tavin again.

As if reading her mind, Tavin kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear. “I'll be here Emily. As long as I'm able.” His words confused her and she strongly felt she was missing something really important. But before she could focus on it too closely, she woke up.

Chapter 24

He needed her, not just the energy that fed him, but the person that she was. She made him feel complete in a way he had never experienced before. He was being drawn so close to the edge and he knew it was only a matter of time until he fell over. He was fading and fading fast. He hadn't fed in what felt like forever. He hurt, all over. He felt more human in his complete pain and vulnerability than he did as he sucked them dry. Tavin was once again in the Abyss, away from the mortal realm. While his heart, the other half of himself, was back in that dingy house, in the bedroom with the polka dotted curtains, with a slight girl who didn’t realize the power she held over him.

The Abyss was a lonely place. Not somewhere he liked to be, but here he was nonetheless. Lilith had created The Abyss for her progeny, to keep them close. He only chose to come here when he had no other place to be. And right now, he couldn’t stay near her...his Emily. He had to get his thoughts together and figure out what he was going to do.

He felt weighed upon with his new found conscience. He felt guilty for the danger he was putting Emily in. He hated that he couldn't make himself fade from her mind until he was gone altogether. She didn't deserve to become attached to him only to lose him forever. What would that do to her? How could he do this to the one person he had ever loved?

He wasn't lying when he told her last night that he was the worst kind of selfish. But how could he turn his back on everything he so recently discovered in his time with her?

For the first time he felt something other than hollow. He felt his love for Emily fill him up and spill over. But he was drawing attention to himself because of it. Drawing attention to Emily. Lilith wouldn’t let this continue indefinitely. Particularly since his very existence was on the line. There had to be a way to fix all of it. A way for him to be with Emily the way they both wanted. He just had no idea as to how to find the answers he needed.

The Abyss pulsated around him and he was being pulled back into the mortal world. Emily's presence like a beacon. If he couldn't find the answers he needed, he would fade away. But maybe that was the best option for both of them. Maybe he could be selfless after all.

Chapter 25

Emily's mother was there when she got home from school. Her stomach made the normal flip flops. Her mother was such a loaded gun, she never knew what to expect. Emily took her time walking up the sidewalk after Sasha dropped her off. Her friend had hesitated at leaving, not knowing whether it was the safest thing.

“I’ll be fine Sasha. And if I’m not, I’ll call you.” Emily had assured her friend. Sasha had been unconvinced and sat there, her father’s truck idling. Emily had to be majorly convincing in order to get Sasha to leave. Even then, Sasha hadn’t been happy about it, still trying to get Emily to come back to her house.

How could she explain that she was sick and tired of being scared of her house, of the woman who lived within those walls with her? She didn’t expect Sasha to get it, so she stopped even trying to verbalize it.

The smell of bacon hit her as she opened the door. Not the burning that usually signaled one of her mother’s cooking ventures. No, it actually smelled good. Emily dropped her book bag at the foot of the stairs and walked down the hallway. The sight that greeted her when she entered the kitchen could have knocked her dead. Her mother stood at the counter, a sizzling griddle in front of her. She actually had an apron on. Had she wandered into a re-run of
Leave It to Beaver
and not realized it?

The smell of the food made her stomach growl. It was loud enough that her mother turned around. If the picture of her mother actually cooking something that smelled edible didn’t knock her flat, then the sight of her mother’s unpainted face would. Her mother typically layered make up on in an attempt, as foolhardy as it was, to look younger. Though the excessive makeup usually made her look years older.

Right now, her face was freshly washed, her eyes clear, without the hazy film brought on by alcohol. She wore a decent pair of jeans and a pale yellow sweater. She actually looked nice. Wow, did pigs start flying while she was at school today?

“Hi honey. I hope you’re hungry. I know it’s a little early for dinner, but I have to work this evening and I wanted to make sure you had something to eat before I left.”

Emily choked on the sarcastic reply that threatened to come out. Emily felt like she was in the presence of a wild animal; no sudden movements or she could startle it away. “Um, yeah, I guess I could eat.” Emily slowly pulled a chair out from the table and sat down. Were they actually going to attempt small talk now? Emily didn’t know how to function in this sort of normalcy.

“Good. You know I don’t think I’ve ever even used this griddle. Do you remember when we got this thing?” Her mother flipped the bacon, cooking it evenly on both sides. Of course Emily remembered. She had the unfortunate ability to recall everything. That particular griddle had been bought by one of her mother’s creepy boyfriends after he had smashed the old one into a wall during an argument. But Emily didn’t feel like sharing that particular piece of feel good history, so she merely shrugged her shoulders.

Her mother piled a plate with bacon and eggs and put it in front of her. “I know breakfast is your favorite, so why not breakfast for dinner?” Her mother laughed awkwardly. Obviously she was just as aware of how strange this whole scene was.

Emily pushed her food around with her fork. Her mind was asking a million questions, questions she should be asking her mother. They sat in silence for several minutes; finally her mom broke the quiet. “So how’s school?”

That was it. That was all it took for Emily to lose it. She threw her fork down on her plate, standing up so fast she knocked the chair backwards. “Are you freaking kidding me mom? How’s school? What the hell do you care? It’s not like you’ve made a point in caring for the past…I don’t know…seventeen years!” She screamed her words into her mother’s face, not caring for once that this is what typically led to a nasty confrontation.

Emily’s mother didn’t seem shocked by her outburst. Instead she calmly put her own fork down, wiped her mouth and looked at her daughter evenly. “I guess I deserve that.” Emily laughter had a bitter edge to it. “Yeah, I’d say you deserve that. It’s not like you’d win mother of the year or anything.” Emily moved across the kitchen, throwing her uneaten food in the trash and then washing the plate in the sink. She kept her back to her mother, not wanting to look at her. Her mom came up behind her and took Emily’s plate from her hands and put it in the drying rack.