Irresistible Fear (21 page)

“Well, I told you Em, when I came home I was making some changes. And for once I'm not lying. I went to my first AA meeting today. It was hard. Probably one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. And I got a job answering phones and making appointments down at Randy’s Car Repair. It's not much but it will at least earn me a paycheck, one that doesn’t come from a bar.”

Emily’s heart thrummed at the prospect of her mother getting help and getting on track. But she had experienced false hope one too many times and she knew it was a slippery slope, one that would only end in heart ache and disaster. She realized as her mother was talking, how much she had removed herself from her mother’s emotional roller coaster. She cared about her mom getting clean. Of course she did, but she didn't feel the breathless need to believe the words coming out of her mom's mouth like she used to.

“Well, good for you mom.” The sudden flatness in her voice surprised even her. She began to watch the scene unfold as if she were an onlooker. Her mother moved toward her. “Honey. I’m doing this for you. I could give a shit about me. But I need to start doing something better for you. It’s high time I acted like your mother. Don’t ya think?” Her eyes questioned.

Emily shrugged. “I think we’re way past the point where my opinion should matter at all. It’s not like it has mattered before. Why start now?” Emily started to walk out of the room when her mom’s words stopped her.

“Because I had an experience Emily. One that made me question myself and everything I've been doing, that's why.” Emily turned around and stared at her mother. The older woman stood in the middle of the kitchen, wringing her hands. She could tell her mother was trying to tell her something important. Something life altering. But she was finding it hard to listen.

“Really Em. I’m being honest here. Something happened to me when I left here, after…well…after I hurt you. I took off, drove to the Motel 8 just outside of Charlestown. Charles was with me and we were on a bender. I didn’t give a shit what the hell happened to me. I didn’t care about myself and I sure as hell didn’t care about you and what you were going through.” Her mother’s eyes apologized for the truths she had just spoken.

“Get to the point mom.” Emily’s patience was quickly coming to an end. She wanted to get up to her room, go to sleep and forget about all of this. Tavin was the only thing that mattered anymore…the only thing that she felt anything for.

“I am Em. I am. This is hard to explain. I know I was wasted. We had been free basing and I know I drank most of a fifth of whiskey myself. But what I saw was so clear, so real. I went outside to have a cigarette, cause everything is non-smoking now.” Her mother hastily continued, seeing her daughter’s impatient expression.

“Anyway. I was standing there, it was raining and there was this flash of light. It blinded me. I thought at first it was a car or something. But it was late and there wasn't anybody else around. I remember my cigarette burning my finger and when I bent to put it out I felt this rush of warm air.”

Her mother’s voice became hushed, a whisper, as she relayed her story. Despite herself, Emily was intrigued. Gooseflesh had broken out over her arms and that tiny voice of instinct told her to listen and listen carefully.

“Then I saw him. He was beautiful Em. And I knew he was an angel. I just knew it. Have you ever really thought about guardian angels? I know I hadn’t. I’m not exactly a…a spiritual person. That was your Nanny’s bag, definitely not mine. But I knew what he was and I knew he was real. And I heard him speak, like directly into my mind and he told me I needed to come home to you. That you needed me. And then he was gone. When I went back into that motel room I wasn’t loaded anymore. It was like I was seeing stuff for the first time. I kicked that sleaze ball Charles out. He was pretty pissed too. But I just threatened to bean him with the lamp on the table.”

Her mother laughed, but Emily couldn’t join her. She couldn’t move. Some part of her, deep down, believed her mother’s story. Believed that she had this experience. But then the cold ice of her resentment and pain seeped through her and any acknowledgment of her mother’s story was suppressed by a greater anger.

“You expect me to believe this mom? You’re nuts. That’s all this tells me. Something I’ve already known for a long time.” The bitterness in her voice slapped her mother harder than any hand could. Emily watched as the hopeful and radiant expression her mother had worn as she talked about her angel disappear, crumple as if it had never been there.

“I’m not crazy Em. I know what you must think of me. I know I don’t deserve your faith. I’ve done nothing to earn it. But things are going to change. I swear it! That angel changed me. I’m different and I know that I need to be here for you!” Her mother’s voice became desperate, wanting to reach that shut out part that Emily had buried and locked away.

Her mother touched Emily's face, pressing the palms of her hands to her cheeks. Emily smelled her mother’s perfume, a musky scent that was pleasant for the fact that it wasn’t the staleness of alcohol. “You need me Em. There’s something going on with you...I just know it.” Her mother’s words bothered her. Emily didn't like how close to the truth she was. Emily pulled away from her mom’s grip.

“Emily, do you hear what I'm saying? There’s darkness around you. I can see it. I think that angel fixed me so I can help you.” Her mother's hushed voice triggered something in Emily. And she began to laugh, a cold and heartless sound.

“Sure mom. Sure I believe that some angel came to you. You, a worthless drunk who has done nothing but ruin my life. Don’t you think for a second I’m going to let you waltz back with some holy mission, bent on helping me with something you invented in your alcohol induced stupor! Just stay the hell away from me!” Emily ran from the kitchen, up the stairs and to her room. She pulled the lock and sat down on her bed, breath coming fast and uneven.

She knew her words had been cruel. She had hit below the belt and she felt a twinge of guilt. As much as Emily wanted to forget her mother's words and dismiss it as her out of control imagination, something about it stuck with her. She hated to admit it, but she believed her mom. And what all that meant, she had no freaking clue.

Chapter 2
6

Emily splashed cold water on her face and leaned heavily on the sink. Bright spots danced in front of her eyes and she rubbed her cheeks to give them some color. She had just gotten to work and she was ready to go to sleep. This routine of popping sleeping pills after school was taking its toll. Her circadian rhythms were completely messed up, her body not knowing when she should be sleeping and when she should be awake. It was crazy how once she was actually feeling physically better, psychologically she was a mess. And now once again she was finding herself exhausted and sick, but this time it was of her own making. Which was even more pathetic.

The door knob on the bathroom door jiggled. “Hey Emily. You in there?” Ava’s voice called from the other side. Emily took a deep breath and called back, “Yeah, I’m here, I’ll be out in a minute.” “Your first tour starts in ten.” Emily heard Ava’s footsteps recede as she walked away. Emily pulled the Red Bull out of her book bag and downed it in a single gulp. Today had been rough at school. Sasha was pretty mad at her. Emily had been ignoring her for weeks now and Sasha was at her limit. Underneath her irritation, Emily knew Sasha was worried about her. Emily wanted desperately to share with her what was going on. That she didn’t need to worry about her because she was the happiest she had ever been.

Emily had gotten a note yesterday to go see the school counselor today. She knew that Mrs. Au had alerted the counselor with her concerns. Emily had blown off photography club for the last three weeks and had been stealthily avoiding the art room. Mrs. Au had finally cornered her at the beginning of the week and had grilled her about what was going on. Emily had given a vague excuse about being sick. Mrs. Au had asked about her mother, obviously worried that her home life had exploded again.

For once, that wasn’t the problem. Emily smiled at her teacher and assured her she was fine. What none of these people understood was that she
was
fine. She was happy, for the first time in a long time. The nagging sense of paranoia had lessened and she was sleeping better. It was just she wanted to sleep
all of the time
.

Aside from that, she had talked herself into believing that everything was semi-normal. Well, except for her persistant and growing relationship with her fantasy boyfriend. But, details shmetails.

Emily threw away the can and turned back to the mirror, pulling her hair into a ponytail. As she stood there, yanking her hair into place, she saw movement just behind her. She froze. “What now?” She growled in frustration, trying to push aside the sudden onslaught of fear in the pit of her stomach.

In the mirror she saw the reflection of a woman standing behind her. She was perfectly still, with long dark hair hanging in front of her face. Emily was paralyzed with fear. Images of
The Ring
flashed through her head. God, was this chick going to start crawling on the ceiling or something?

The woman didn’t move, simply stood there, a dark presence that Emily felt up the entire length of her back. The debilitating fright that was so common in the nightmares began to take over. Emily rubbed her eyes, hoping it would disappear but the woman continued to stand there.

Suddenly the woman reached out and grabbed her shoulder. Her fingers felt like knives digging into her skin and the heat from her grasp burnt through the thin cotton shirt. Emily sucked in her breath and tried to move. But like in her nightmares, she was rooted to the spot. She still couldn’t see the woman’s face, it was obscured by her hair and the shadows in the room. Emily felt the lady's breath on her ear as the woman hissed in an almost reptilian voice, “You didn't listen Emily. I told you I'd be watching. Now you'll have to pay.”

What the hell? This was freaking nuts! Emily lunged for the door and wrenched it open. She looked behind her into the bathroom and saw that it was empty. She had knocked over her book bag, spilling out its contents. Emily sat on the floor, trying to slow her rapid heart beat by taking deep breaths. She tried to remember all of those relaxation techniques she had learned in one of the many support groups she had been in at school.

“What the hell?” Emily asked herself again. Even though the vision was gone, she still felt like she was being watched and that familiar twinge of paranoia took root in her stomach, unfurling it’s long tentacles as it took hold of her. She couldn’t go to work, couldn’t go down that elevator into the dark. Emily shivered at the thought. But she knew Kurt had had about enough of her flakiness. Emily also knew that if she bailed this evening, there was a good chance she would lose her job and she couldn’t afford for that to happen.

Emily straightened herself up and stood against the wall, using it’s solidity for strength. What was she going to do? She had accepted awhile ago that she was cracking up. No lucid person was engaged in a romantic relationship with someone that existed entirely in their head. She discretely went to the employee computer and typed in her password. Looking behind her to make sure she was entirely alone, she typed ‘schizophrenia-symptoms’ into the search engine.

She pulled up the website for the American Mental Health Society and her heart plunged as she read line after line of symptoms, each one seemed to fit her experiences to a tee.

Social withdrawal. Check. Suspiciousness. Check. Depression and insomnia. Check. Unable to concentrate, delusions of persecution, hallucinations, unpredictable emotional responses. Check, check, check and check.

Emily put her face in her hands and continued her deep breathing. Seeing this confirmation was overwhelming. She knew there was something wrong with her. While she was devestated, at the same time she was extremely hesitant to get help. What if they put her on medication that caused her to never see Tavin again? She didn’t know how long she could maintain this, hold it together, yet the thought of losing the only thing that provided her with any happiness depressed her even more. Emily didn’t know what her next step was. Right now, she just had to get through the next six hours.

********************

Emily's first two tours had gone without a hitch. While the first decent down into the caverns was difficult, the first time it had ever felt that way, she made it through. The oppressive weight of the earth felt like it would crush her, but she took deep breaths and held it together the best she could. With the amount of deep breathing she was doing tonight, she was surprised she didn't hyperventilate and pass out.

Her groups were great, she scored some major tips. She went through the motions, which didn’t allow for any thinking and that suited her just fine. Emily had just come back up to the gift shop and slipped her coat on to get some fresh air when she heard her name being called. She looked over her shoulder and saw Sasha standing there. There was an awkwardness that had never been present before and Emily felt guilty for putting a strain on their friendship.

Emily jerked her thumb to indicate the door and walked outside. Sasha followed her, hands thrust deep in her jacket pockets. Sasha looked at the ground, not making eye contact. Emily sat down on the bench around the side of the building and stretched her legs out in front of her.

“Sit down, Sash. You standing like that makes me nervous.” Emily patted the bench beside her. Sasha didn’t move. She ignored Emily, continuing to stare at her feet. “Well, what did you come out here for Sasha? You’re obviously not happy with me, and I understand that. Talk to me. You’ve never had a problem voicing your feelings before.” Emily felt her patience slipping. Her nerves were frayed and she just wanted Sasha to get to the point.

“Emily. I don’t even know what to say to you. You’re scaring me. I mean really scaring me.” Emily was surprised to hear the trembling in Sasha's voice. She acted as if she didn't even want to look at her. “Scaring you huh? Well that's unfortunate.” Emily said without feeling.