Irresistible Fear (25 page)

“Did they hurt her?” Emily asked quietly. She couldn’t imagine heavenly beings could be capable of violence. It didn’t fit with the image she had in her head. Well, to be honest when she thought of angels, it was mostly those little Precious Moments figurines she used to collect when she was a kid. Obviously not the type of angel Tavin was talking about.

“Did they hurt her? They tortured her. They wounded her in every way possible, both physically and psychologically. They violated her Emily. Used her. Abused her. Tried to make her listen, to do what they wanted.” Emily was horrified. What he was talking about here was rape and torture. Emily pushed aside the images it evoked.

Tavin took a slow, deep breath and continued with his tale. “But they didn’t count on Lilith holding out against them. No matter what they did to her she refused to comply, to give in. She had made up her mind to remain free, free of the constraints of humanity and being Adam’s wife. She was her own woman and she would never bow to any man. So she fled from them…again and made her eternal vow; to never return to the Garden. She vowed to continue to populate the earth with the worst kind of being, as punishment to humanity and to God for sending the angels, her attackers, after her. She was filled with anger, with rage, with violence and it's only festered and grown as time has passed.” Tavin had started strong but his voice trailed off toward the end. Emily was silent, not moving. She didn’t know what she could say after hearing such a story.

Tavin looked vulnerable. He looked more approachable but Emily couldn’t allow herself to go near him. She remained hard, refusing to indulge the urge to touch him. So she asked him more questions.

“What is an incubus? I’ve never heard of it.” Emily watched as he stood and began to pace. “An incubus is a soul sucker, Emily. We live for the single purpose of creating fear and terror. We are nightmares, the monsters in the dark. For thousands of years I have marked a human, I have made them my own. I infiltrate their memories, their soul and take from them every bad thought and experience and use it against them. I create nightmare after nightmare in order to make them scared; to instill their fear. I feed off of it Emily. I need it to live. Without it, I die.” Tavin finally looked at her, met her gaze head on.

He had called himself a soul sucker. Even though he had said it in a negative way, Emily wanted to argue, that he didn't need to steal her soul. That she had already given it to him...along with her heart. Despite everything, she knew that with 100% certainty. But she couldn't reconcile her heart with her rational mind. Because she was terrified of him. The very thing Tavin had been so afraid would happen, had. Because she wanted to leave, turn her back on all of this. Her survival instinct was taking over and she needed to listen to it.

“You feed off of my fear? How do you do that?” She whispered to him. Her fright seemed to have taken her voice. Tavin, sensing the change in her mood, seemed to stiffen and continue with his explanations almost recklessly; viciously.

“Oh yes. Imagine eating the most delicious meal you can think of. Juicy steak and steaming mashed potatoes finished with a slice of your favorite carrot cake.” Tavin listed off Emily’s favorite foods. “That is what it is like Emily. Eating someone’s fear is more tantalizing, more mouthwatering than the most delectable food. It is an unimaginable high, totally satisfying.” Emily’s stomach clenched at the raw hunger in his voice.
“But the human mark has to die. It’s the way it is. One life for another.” He seemed so cold, so unreachable. Emily had never heard him like this and everything inside of her wanted to run from him. “It’s the way it is? But you said you won’t kill me. What happens then?” “No. I won’t kill you. You aren’t like the others. This…”He gestured between them “Isn’t like before.”

That seemed the only answer he was willing to give on that subject so she rushed ahead, thinking of one of the million other questions she had. “So, um…how many people have you killed?” She moved uncomfortably. Tavin gave her a look that spoke volumes. She knew the answer without him saying a word. He had killed…a lot. “I’ve lost count.” He said softly.

Emily swallowed loudly. Her mouth felt dry and her tongue was thick. Her head was swimming and everything that felt safe was turned upside down. She was in turmoil, her mind reeling from the information.

“Tell me about how you choose your…what did you call it?” “My mark.” He answered for her. Emily smirked. “It makes you sound like a mafia hit man.” Tavin let out a humorless laugh. “Interesting comparison.” He said as he put his hands in his pockets and leaned back. His body seemed relaxed as if they were talking about the weather. His face was cold, a mask…so different than the warmth she had seen there earlier. She didn’t know how to reach that part of him. Didn’t know if that part was even real or more of an illusion than anything else she had seen.

“There are certain types of people we’re drawn to.” Tavin stopped for a moment, staring at her. “Sad people, individuals who have known tragedy. These people are easier to attach ourselves too. They don’t even notice the change. They often welcome the fear, the pain. They wallow in it. People who are victims, who are depressed, are often sweeter. They will, most times, welcome their eventual end. It makes it easier for us. When they already want death.” Emily couldn’t suppress the chill that broke out along her flesh.

Did she want death? Is that why Tavin marked her? Sure, she had been depressed. Her life had been an unending series of tragic events, so it made sense this demon would find her. But she had never once thought of suicide. That wasn't her way, to just give up.

“Well I don't want to die Tavin.” She whispered, not wanting to say the thought any louder. Tavin laughed harshly. “Of course you do Emily.”

Chapter 29

He was being cruel. He knew that. He didn’t want to hurt her, to scare her, yet she needed to know, to see him for what he was. After watching her reaction to his demonic self he knew she couldn’t handle this; being with the real him. The emotions that he had so recently begun to feel for himself, that were wholly his, began to fragment. He felt that thing in his chest that could be known as a heart, break. She was disgusted by him. Even worse, he terrified her.

“What do you mean I want to die? I just told you I don't want to die. Don't confuse me with one of those pathetic humans you've dealt with in the past. Because let me tell you, that isn’t me.” Emily’s voice was hard and angry. Maybe it was best that she was so angry with him. It would be easier for her in the long run to distance her emotions from him, as much as it killed him for her to do just that.

“You welcome the dark, the intense rush of almost death. Because that’s what I am Emily…death. And you wanting to be here with me is putting you one step closer to it.” He whispered softly to her. His words seemed to shake her out of the rage she felt. She became still and her face blank.

Emily moved away from him. Every step a knife in his gut. The lack of feeding was manifesting in physical pain, unlike anything he had ever experienced. It was the most human he had ever felt, swallowed by this agony.

“I won’t hurt you. I don't know how many times I can promise that. All of this is very...unique. I've broken every rule to be with you. And I'd break them all again, I swear it. Nothing matters unless I’m with you.” Tavin shook his head, realizing how desperate he sounded. The situation was almost humorous in its irony. Here he was, a thousand year old demon begging for a human girl to love him. If he had thought the angels bothered with his type at all, he would have sworn this was a cosmic punishment.

For the first time, Emily’s expression was guarded. He could look into her mind, see her thoughts but he knew that right then that would be the worst form of violation. He wanted to give her the distance she so obviously needed. Besides, he needed to hear her words, hear her say what she was thinking.

“You're a bundle of mixed messages, Tavin. First you say that you won't...no that you
can't
hurt me. Then you tell me that we being together will be my death. See in my world, that sounds a lot like a threat. So which is it? A or B? Because I'm getting whip lash here.” Emily's voice shook and Tavin hung his head in shame. He knew he was being confusing. He
was
confused. “I won't hurt you, not ever. But it doesn't change that our relationship could cause you harm…” He told her.

Emily blew out an angry breath. “Okay, you're still not answering that question...so moving on...” He watched her as she anxiously ran her fingers through her hair. He wanted to do that himself, to feel her hair. But it was obvious that would be the wrong move right now.

“So...you have to drink from me to live...you feed on my, what...life force?” She asked. Tavin nodded. He could see the wheels spinning in her head.

“Are you still...drinking from me?” Emily's words were so hesitant and he knew this was taking a lot for her to process and comprehend. The fact that she was indulging him at all, showed how amazing she was. Tavin suddenly realized what she asked him and he put his hands up. “No!” He told her, practically yelling his answer. Calming down a bit he lowered his hands until they hung limply by his sides. “No, I haven't fed from you since that first night we were together.” He said softly.

Tavin watched as Emily's brow furrowed in thought. He loved the little lines that formed between her eyes when she was thinking. He had memorized every detail of her face and never thought he would get tired of looking at her.

Emily began to pace. Tavin watched her nervously, wishing she would just say what was on her mind. The suspense was unbearable.

“So...if you're not drinking from me...you're not eating right?” She seemed to be sorting through the information systematically. Tavin nodded in affirmation to her question. “And if you're not eating, you'll what...starve?” The hitch in her voice lifted his heart. After everything he unloaded on her, to have her still care about his well-being was almost too much to hope for. He didn't want to upset her, wishing he could lie. But he promised her total honesty.

“Essentially yes.” He said quickly.

Emily's frown deepened. “So if you don't drain me...you'll die. Am I getting this right?” Her voice hardened again and all of his hope slithered away. Tavin only nodded. Emily's face flamed red. “So you're telling me, this whole situation is just a flipping Romeo and Juliet waiting to happen? That if you don't EAT ME, then you freaking die? This is crazy Tavin!”

Tavin flinched at her tone. The volume of her voice ringing in his ears. He didn't know what to say. What could he say? It was the truth. She was right.

“So one way or another, one of us dies...right? Right?!?” She demanded from him. He nodded again. “Use your words damn it! You're not a mute!' Wow, he had never seen her so worked up. She was actually scary in her rage. She could put many a demon to shame in her ferocity.

“Yes, Emily, you are right. It's one life for the other. If it's not yours, then ultimately it will be mine…” Tavin paused, breathing deeply. “And there's no way to change it?” She asked, choking on her question. Tavin shook his head but remembered to give her the words she requested. “Not that I've found. And believe me I've looked. This seems to be our fate. I'm so sorry.” His words sounded weak and pathetic in the face of their reality.

Emily stopped in front of him, her eyes wild. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Even raging and ready to kill, she was magnificent. “So you invade my dreams...'mark' me.” She used her fingers as quotes. “Then decide, hey, I'd really like to get to know her. And then you pretty much seduce me; make me fall in love with you, knowing all along that you are GOING TO DIE? Do I have this correct?”

Tavin felt a huge lump in his throat. Her accusations stung. Because again she was right. He had selfishly enmeshed himself into her dreams, allowed them to become as close as two individuals could be. And too soon he would be leaving her all alone. With everything Emily had already experienced in her life, he should have known what that would do to her. Why hadn't he realized? He had only been thinking of himself, of his new feelings. He really was the basest kind of evil. And he hated himself for it.

“Emily, I have been selfish. But I was drawn to you. I was like a moth to a flame. I couldn't stay away. I love you!” He pleaded with her, trying to convey everything he felt for her.

He reached out his hand, needing to touch her, just for a moment. When she recoiled from his touch, he knew it was too little too late. He had single handedly destroyed her trust. Aside from the secrets he had kept from her, the truth of his demonic self; it was the knowledge that she had fallen in love with him, only to be ultimately left without him, that Tavin realized was too much for her handle. So she rejected him, denounced him, essentially closing the door to her heart.

He moved away from her, turning his eyes from her condemnation. “I want to wake up Tavin.” He heard her say from behind him. He couldn't look at her anymore. “If you wake up now, I don’t know whether I will be able to see you again. It is taking more and more of my energy to come to you.” He could hear the harshness in his voice. He was a lump of stone. His feelings dampened by her anger, her hatred and her fear.

He felt her hesitate, even in her fury; he sensed she wasn't entirely sure she wanted that. But he could also feel her resolve. Her need to get away from him, from this revelation, outweighed any stirrings in her heart.

Emily closed her eyes. “Whatever Tavin. I need to wake up. I need to get away from you. From all of this. It hurts too much.” Her words sounded strangled and he fought against the pain they caused.

Her blonde hair blew wildly around her as a warm wind began to blow. Her brown eyes were wet with unshed tears and her cheeks were flushed with her anger and fear. She was gorgeous. He loved her, beyond anything, and she was rejecting him. God it hurt.

“Then wake up Emily. You’re in control now.” He saw her surprise and then her concentration as she made herself disappear, made herself leave him…possibly forever. As she faded away, their eyes met for the last time and he knew those eyes would haunt him for the rest of his existence; however long that may be.