Irresistible Fear (26 page)

Chapter 30

“Stay awake! Damn it!” Emily splashed cold water on her face and pinched her cheeks. The girl looking back at her in the mirror was a stranger. Her normally soft blonde hair was frizzy and out of control. The brown eyes, wary and tired. Dark circles prominent in an otherwise ghostly pale face.

She was exhausted, ready to drop. When Emily thought of sleep her heart beat quickened and her palms began to sweat. She couldn’t do that. She didn’t know what waited for her in the dark behind closed eyes.

Emily stood in the girl’s bathroom at her high school, pleading with herself to stay awake. She had forced herself to stay awake since finding out about Tavin. She was so angry and fearful of what he was. But mostly she couldn't face what waited for her after Tavin eventually left forever. The thought of that scared her more than anything else. So she wanted to stay as far away from him and that anguish as she could.

Part of Emily still needed him, craved his presence, but it was hopelessly tangled with gnarled, dark emotions. She was being ripped in two. One half told her she was being silly; that Tavin loved her, that she should enjoy whatever time they had left...together. But that other half, the more reasonable half, yelled at her for her stupidity. Aside from the fact that he was a soul sucking demon, she couldn't hand over any more of her heart knowing it was going to be crushed into a million pieces when he was gone.

She shook her head and covered her face with her hands, overwhelmed again by the warring feelings inside of her. Emily heard the door of the bathroom swing open. She looked up and saw Sasha standing just in front of the now closed door. Sasha looked like she wanted to turn around and walk back out, but without another word, she slammed into the nearest stall.

Emily felt knots up in her gut. Guilt had become an unfortunately familiar emotion. She hadn’t talked to Sasha in almost a week. She had slunk through the hallways of the school, staying under the radar. She ate her lunch outside in the biting cold December air. She walked to and from school. Every day Emily felt more and more like a shadow. She didn’t talk to anyone and no one talked to her.

Seeing Sasha made her realize how much she missed her best friend. She wanted to tell Sasha everything but how did she explain what she was going through? That she had just broken up with her demon boyfriend who only existed in her dreams? Emily laughed at the absurdity of it.

“What’s so funny?” Sasha asked harshly after coming out of the stall. She angrily turned on the tap and started to wash her hands, making a point of not looking at Emily in the mirror as she did so. The look on her friend’s face was closed and hostile; a far cry from the effervescent Sasha that Emily knew and loved.

Emily stopped laughing, realizing what she must look like. “Uh, nothing. Just thinking about...never mind. How are you Sash?” Emily sounded like a moron incapable of stringing two sentences together.

“How am I? Well let’s see. I haven’t talked to my best friend in over a week because she’s morphed into a crazy bitch. Oh and I failed my Geometry test.” Sasha pulled her lip gloss out of her pocket, judicially smearing it on her lips. Emily winced.

“Okay, I know I deserve that.” Emily said. Sasha whipped around to face her. “Oh yeah you deserve that. And a hell of a lot more if you ask me. I have always been there for you Emily! I have stood by you through everything and all you do is treat me like crap! I, however, do not deserve the attitude you’ve been dishing out. All I wanted is for you to get better, to talk to someone about what’s going on with you. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I get that you have a lot going on, but who doesn’t? When was the last time you asked me about my life? Asked me about how I was feeling? Oh, that’s right; you haven’t, because we spend 95% of our conversations discussing you!” Sasha angrily thrust the lip gloss back into her pocket.

“I’m sorry Sasha. You’re right. I’ve been a horrible friend. It must seem that I take you for granted. I just…have a lot going on.” Emily trailed off. She knew immediately that she had just lit the match and that Sasha was about to explode. “A lot going on?!?! Are you serious? It’s not like you've told me anything that’s going on! How am I supposed to understand what you’re
going through
if you don’t talk about it?” Sasha’s face had turned red with her anger.

Emily looked at her, realizing that she wasn’t alone, that she knew she could talk to her. It was so tempting to unload everything. The fear and paranoia were crippling. She was breaking underneath the weight of all these secrets. Why couldn’t she tell Sasha? If she thought she was crazy so be it, but at least she got it out.

She opened her mouth, prepared to tell Sasha everything. “Don’t do it.” A voice whispered. So clear that Emily turned her head in its direction, knowing someone would be standing there. Of course, no one was. Sasha was looking at her like she had three heads. “What are you doing?”

“She won’t believe you. No one will.” The voice taunted her. The voice dripped in malice. Emily felt the prickles all over her skin. A crawling that
something
was there.

She closed her mouth and turned away from Sasha. “I’ve got nothing to say Sasha. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you but I don’t know what else to do.” Emily wouldn’t look at her, because she didn’t want to see her friend’s anger. She heard the frustrated release of breath and then the sound of the bathroom door opening and closing.

Emily turned back around and realized she was alone.

********************

Emily began the long walk to her house after school. Her legs felt heavy; her arms seemed to hang limply at her sides. She could feel her eyelids drooping and all Emily wanted to do was crawl into the pile of dead leaves on the sidewalk and take a nap. But she couldn’t. She had to stay awake. She didn’t want to see him, couldn't face the fate that had been handed to her.

Her thinking took on a note of irrationality. She knew she wasn’t thinking clearly but she was going on thirty-six hours without sleep. She had stayed up the entire night before, pumped herself full of coffee and Red bull. She knew she couldn’t continue this way indefinitely. People actually died from sleep deprivation. But she wasn’t really thinking about that. She wasn’t thinking logically about anything. All she knew was she had to distance herself from Tavin and sleep was what brought them together.

Emily drug her feet and could barely lift them up to walk. The air was cold and she could smell wood smoke. Looking around her, the world seemed to be moving on despite her personal battle. Thanksgiving had come and gone with barely a thought from her. Her mother had attempted to make a dinner; Emily spent the day in her room. The days rolled on despite her turmoil.

There were kids running down the street, happy to be out of school. There was an old man raking leaves in his yard; a woman unloaded groceries from her car. Autumn held on with a tight fist, even as winter bore down on the world. The air smelled like snow, the sky darkening earlier every day. The heaviness of the air matching the heaviness in her chest.

Emily would have given anything to feel that normalcy. To worry about nothing more than what to make for dinner or completing her homework. Heck, she’d even take worrying about her drunken mom.

Her mom. There was a whole new set of weird. Her mother had kept to her word; she hadn’t had a drop of alcohol since her return. But she was like a step ford wife. She got up every morning, went to work. She came home in the evening, attempted to make dinner, which often came out inedible. But she was trying. And she had started going to church. Not just once a week, but every evening she attended a Bible study group at the Pentecostal church across town.

Every day this week Emily came home to find her mom reading the Bible in the living room. Emily was relieved that thus far her mother had refrained from shoving her born again crap down her throat. But there was a fanaticism in her mother’s eyes that reminded her of the maniacal glint she took on when she was plastered. It seemed as if her mother had traded in one addiction for another.

To be honest, Emily didn’t have time to be worrying about her mother’s new found closeness with God. Right now, she had to try and stop the overwhelming urge to fall asleep.

The air was cold against her face and numbed her nose. Forecasters predicted the year’s first snow fall that night and from the bite in the air, Emily wouldn’t be surprised if it happened. She was so out of it that she didn’t hear the car pulling up behind her. It wasn’t until she heard someone yelling her name that she came to.

“Earth to Emily.” A male voice yelled at her. She turned slowly around. She recognized the Land Rover idling behind her. Jeremy had his head poked out of the window. Emily hadn’t spoken with Jeremy since their break up. Not that he hadn't tried to talk to her, but she had effectively shut him out as completely as she had Sasha.

Emily was tempted to keep walking but didn’t want to be completely rude. “Hey.” She called back, moving her book bag to her other shoulder.

“Do you wanna ride?” Jeremy asked her. She heard him unlock the passenger door. Emily hesitated. Her sleep deprived mind was immediately evaluating Jeremy’s motivations. Some small part of her realized how ridiculous she had become. That everyone had to have some ulterior motive. She had become completely paranoid; no wonder she had lost everyone close to her.

“Um…” She didn’t know if she should accept or not. Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Emily, it’s freezing out here and it’s another five blocks to your house. Besides you look like you’re going to fall over. Come on. I won’t bite. Promise.” Jeremy laughed. He seemed genuine. Emily wanted to get off of her feet and the rest of her walk seemed too much.

Before she talked herself out of it she made the decision to accept Jeremy’s offer. She got into his warm car and felt like she could melt into the comfortable leather interior. “Thanks.” She mumbled, not looking at him. She felt Jeremy glance at her for a moment and then put the car into drive.

They drove down the street, neither saying anything. Why did every interaction she have with people need to be so awkward? She chastised herself. Jeremy was obviously thinking the same thing. After a few minutes he finally broke the uncomfortable silence. “So why isn’t Sasha taking you home anymore? I’ve seen you walking home the last few days. Don’t tell me the princess finally got a job.” Jeremy gasped in mock horror. Emily laughed.

But then it made her remember with a painful clarity the real reason she was walking herself to and from school. She abruptly stopped laughing, the smile disappearing from her face. “Uh, no. We’re not exactly talking right now.” Emily looked out the window, wanting desperately to change the subject.

She could sense Jeremy’s incredulous look. “You’re not talking? For real?” Emily knew that the he could never imagine the two of them on the outs. Any disagreement they had in the past had been minor and easily remedied.

“Yeah, for real.” Emily answered him, wishing he had an ounce of Sasha’s intuition when it came to her moods. Because she really didn’t want to be talking about this. It hurt too badly. Losing Sasha on top of everything else was almost too much to handle.

“I’m getting the feeling you really don’t want to talk about this.” Jeremy told her as if reading her mind. Emily let out a relieved breath and nodded. She jerked in surprise when Jeremy suddenly pulled his car to the side of the road and put it in park. Emily looked at the gear shift and then at Jeremy.
“What are you doing?” Emily asked him. Jeremy’s face was unreadable. He looked at her as if he were seeing something that he didn’t recognize, as if she were a stranger.

“What’s going on with you, Emily?” He asked her bluntly. Emily shrugged, not sure how to answer him. “No Emily. Really, what the hell is going on? First you dump me, not that I don't get your reasons, but then it's like I don't even exist. And then you pretty much fall off the radar. I don’t think I’ve even seen you around school in ages. And now you and Sasha are fighting. This is not like you Emily. Even when you’ve been at your mopiest, you don’t completely alienate everyone like this. So I’m going to ask you again, what is going on with you?”

Emily didn’t want to answer him. She felt irrationally stubborn. The more he poked and prodded, the more shut down and removed she became. She was tired of people telling her what to do, telling her who she was. Who was Jeremy to tell her what she was like? He didn’t know her, not really. No one did. They couldn’t possibly understand everything that had been going on in her life. Part of her realized how self-important and pompous those thoughts were, but she was way past caring.

As if following her train of thought Jeremy put his hands up. “Look Emily. I don’t pretend to understand what your life has been like. I know I haven’t been there for you in the past; I’ve been more worried about my own feelings in our relationship. But the truth is I care about you. I get that we would never work out with the whole dating thing. We want different things, I understand. But I’d like to be your friend. If you’d let me.”

His sweet and sincere words touched a place in her that craved closeness of any kind. She missed Sasha terribly and she needed someone to talk to. Even if she couldn’t talk about everything that was going on; she definitely couldn’t explain Tavin to Jeremy, but she could share some things. And looking at his face, so open and genuinely concerned, she finally allowed herself to share some of the things that were burdening her.

So in Jeremy’s Land Rover, twisting her hands over and over in the fringe of her orange scarf, Emily spilled her guts. She told Jeremy about the fear that she was losing her mind. She told him about the horrible fight with her mother on Halloween night. Her mom’s leaving and eventual return with stories of guardian angels. She even told Jeremy about the black out in the caverns, omitting any mention of Tavin, of course.

As she sat there in the warm car, telling Jeremy about her nightmares, her inability to sleep and her chronic physical ailments; she felt better. Jeremy had taken hold of her hand at some point and now held it gently between his own.