Keep Breathing (13 page)

He stopped
when the water reached the top of his shoulders. He balanced me precariously in his arms and smiled. Water dripped off the dangling ends of his dark blond strands and some droplets clung to the edges of his eyelashes. It was mesmerizing, and the blue of the pool amplified the color in his irises as they morphed from blue to green to turquoise in one blink. I couldn’t look away. Even if I had wanted to, I was afraid I wouldn’t be brave enough to do so. The water reminded me where I was, but the look on his face made me forget how terrifying it was to be neck deep in water.

I’d never wanted to
return to the water and swim, not after my sister had drowned. We’d been so small, and I’d been the one to watch her little head sink under the surface at a neighbor’s party. It had gotten late, and half the adults were stumbling drunk. No one saw her but me, still so small at the age of six, and my sister, but three years old. I’d been without an idea of what it meant when she slipped into the inky pool water and didn’t bob back up. Minutes had gone by as I waited for her to surface, assuming she would, like I did when I went swimming. Finally, snapping out of my frozen trance, I had begun having what would end up being the first of many anxiety attacks. If I hadn’t screamed and hyperventilated, no one would’ve noticed until several minutes later that Lindsey was missing, swallowed by the darkened mass of water before me.

Even though
I couldn’t muster words to express what had happened, so small and unable to speak as my lungs burned and my heart pounded, I was able to point in terror at the water just as I was on the brink of passing out after screaming over and over. I remembered the shrieks when the realization came over the adults that my sister was in the pool. I remember my father’s frantic plunge into the cold pool water, for it was February, and no one was swimming. The lights weren’t even on inside the pool, and the dark depths looked more threatening under the bright porch lights than it had in the long summer nights when it’d been bright and lit.

Watching my father emerge from the dark,
black waters under the moonless night with my sister folded in his arms finally calmed me. But it had been a disturbing calm, like watching a silent film, as I watched them place her on the deck and pump on her chest, screaming for her to wake up. Her long dark hair snaked about her head like a crown of seaweed while her lips remained the grey-blue of a winter sky at dusk. Her brown eyes were staring off into space, fixed on some faraway, celestial body, never to look at us with happy, bright eyes again. She was gone, and no matter how much chaos had ensued afterward, she had never returned. She’d never come back to steal my candy from my stash in my room or hog the dolls I wanted to play with when she felt it was her turn.

Never again.

All those memories crashed into me, like something I had hidden so deep inside that I had almost forgotten her face and her voice. I had nearly forgotten the way she laughed and giggled when we played hide and seek. I’d almost let my memories slip away when I had built the massive wall to protect myself from things like the fear of swimming and loving those who never stayed, leaving me to live a half life.

Maybe that’s why I was so afraid of
Seth’s love. With him came the remembering part that I was so good at forgetting.

“You okay?” I c
ould hear him breathing harder as he worked to tread water and hold me up at the same time.

“Yes.” I like
d the feel of him, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist and my fingers locked around his neck and shoulders. I let him take me where he wanted, knowing I’d be safe, trusting him more than anyone except for Joss. He finally motioned for me to loosen my legs and let them float out underneath. I did, knowing he wouldn’t let me go. The feel of the cold where the heat of his body had once been made me shiver again, and my lips began to quiver from the drop in temperature. Seth pulled me closer, and the return of his warmth made me smile. “Thank you.”

He was like the calm sea in the morning mist. Another memory resurfaced and a flash of his reddened
, wind burned face blinked into my vision as I remembered the ocean and lying naked in the cold weather after we’d made love on our picnic blanket, covered with a sleeping bag. Had it been so long since we’d danced on the sand of the Oregon coast and let the salt spray stain our skin with its sharp bite? I remembered the feel of him then, and the comfort it brought me left me breathless in a much better way.

“
You’re welcome. Any time. You should come over more often. It takes time to enjoy the water again, but I can show you how to swim so well, the sharks won’t be able to get you.”

With that I laugh
ed, accidentally sputtering some water into his face. I gasped, waiting for him to dunk me, but he didn’t. He blinked the drops away, squinted and smiled. That notorious dimple in his cheek returned to tease me once more.

“Are you sure?
” I said. “I might take you down with me.” My face went serious again, and I hoped he hadn’t changed his mind.

“Oh
, I’m positive, Penny. Any chance to get you to hold onto me like this, I’ll take it.”

“Okay. This wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be.” Lindsey would’ve been proud of me swimming again. A flash of her
wide, cheeky smile hit me like a warm, comforting hug.

It had been one of the best days I’d had in a long time, and any day I could come back from anxiety attack so quickly was always a step forward. Maybe I needed Seth more than I had thought.

Seth

I’D DRIVEN PENNY back to her apartment after her clothes had dried off and we’d had a quiet dinner under the warmth of the Vegas night. We hadn’t made love that day; I hadn’t wanted to push her too far knowing how delicate she could be. After she’d run off the morning after our romp, I’d been determined to take it even slower than before.

So far, it was exactly what she needed. After our swim, she’d been happy to hang out in the heat outside and sip lemonade until dinner time as we chatted about things we’d long forgotten. I’d told her about my mother in Moldova, hoping to work
the idea of a trip into future conversations. Somehow I didn’t think she was ready for that yet, but that was fine with me. She spoke a lot about Joss and Leah. Joss being her cousin and best friend since grade school made them practically sisters. They raised Leah together when Leah’s husband had been diagnosed and deteriorated quickly. They’d clung to each other like sisters and cried it out at the rough times.

I was glad she’d had her
cousin there when we’d broken up. At least the thought that she hadn’t been all alone when I’d broken her heart was cold comfort to me, but it took the edge off the anger I held against myself for a moment. Listening to her chat about her bucket list and things she was still planning to do with the enthusiasm I fell in love with back in college, it had me entranced throughout the evening. I’d almost forgotten to ask her to dinner at Nicolai’s house the next day.

“Your cousin’s house? What’s he like?”

“He’s a nut. Likes beer and women. Don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth, but he’s harmless.”

“Really?” She giggled
, and agreed to go to dinner as long as I brought some soda for her to sip on, too. I readily complied, and we’d sat under the night sky and listened to the crickets sing until it got late and I offered her a ride home. She’d accepted, looking relieved that I wouldn’t be seducing her tonight.

I’d wanted to. Oh how I had, but, taking it slow required restraint from my part and it was worth the wait.

Kissing her at the door to her place, her eyes tempted me to ask to come inside, but I stepped away and kissed her hand, biding her goodnight before she said something she’d regret in the morning. The relief in her face was all I needed to know that I’d done the right thing and I waited for her to enter her apartment and lock the door.

Sitting in my SUV and staring at her apartment as she turned the lights on and moved about inside, I felt a surge of love for the woman, more than I could’ve ever felt for anyone el
se. Every moment I had with her was a gift. I hoped things would turn out the way I was praying they would. Even so, the threat of something going wrong was always there, always stalking us behind shadows and on the road of good intentions. I hoped, for once, it would leave us alone and we could do everything we’d talked about that night.

“Do you st
ill want to see the world, Penny?”

Her large brown eyes twinkled under the moonlight when she faced me, her head on my chest. My heart was pounding at her proximity, her scent filling the air like a drug I refused to let go.

“Yes.”

“I’ll take you, if you let me.”

“Okay.”

Penny

STIRRING THE ICED tea, I watched the throngs of people pass by. Sitting outside in hundred-degree weather was a favorite thing of mine. It helped that there were misters running; otherwise I’d have had to move inside the coffee shop so I wouldn’t pass out from heat stroke.

I
was on the patio of one of Seth’s coffee shops. I’d been able to leave work early, something about there not being enough for me to do, so I’d gotten flexed out and needed a pick-me-up. Feeling tired, but still not wanting to go home, I watched the street vendors, tourists and families hurry by, doing their best to avoid the searing sun. A lot of them were reddened, flushed from the warmth and sweating under their crisp white “Vegas” T-shirts and straw hats. Some were really burnt lobster red after spending a long day at the hotel pool. The sun was intense in Vegas, more so than any other place I’d ever been. Sunscreen was an absolute must, but most of these strangers didn’t know that and were now suffering the consequences.

Why was I here?
Seth hadn’t yet invited me there, and I wasn’t sure which of his coffee shops he was working at that day—to my utter disappointment—so why was I there? I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe, in some small way, I wanted to see him again. I probably should’ve just caved in and called him. After the long day of listening to complaints from patients about not getting what they needed now that they were home, I was mentally drained and needed a distraction. He was a mighty fine one for that, and I couldn’t stop thinking about making love to him or clinging to him in the pool or even just chatting into the darkness with him the night before. It’d been so surreal, like it’d been a happiness that wasn’t mine, but someone else’s I was eagerly watching and wanting to see the next episode of.

So
there I was, sitting by myself, listening to music on my iPhone and people watching. It was the weirdest form of therapy, but it was already helping numb up my head. Tonight, I was going to meet Seth’s cousin Nicolai, who, by the sound of it, was a wild man. I didn’t mind though. I needed to have more of Seth, and meeting his family would give me some of that. Another morsel of a man I wanted in more ways than one. I was still wary that he’d hurt me again, no one could erase the past that easily, but everything he did, every word he’d told me in  the past few days was evidence to the contrary.

I just hoped we didn’t fall down again.

The afternoon was scorching and my skin felt like it was being roasted off. The cool mist landed on my face, immediately evaporating before it could soak in. I tapped on the table, worrying about life and things the way they were. Why didn’t I just call Joss and give her an earful? But that wasn’t what I needed. I didn’t know what I needed, and that was the most frustrating thing ever. Why didn’t I know? I was almost twenty-five, I should’ve known by now. I had a college degree, my own place, a good job. What more?

Isn’t that the eternal questio
n? What is it that I want, need or have to do? Only I could answer that, but I still had difficulty doing it.

I sipped
my cold beverage; it felt like a blizzard running down my throat, somewhat relieving the unrelenting heat rising from the asphalt after a day spent absorbing the sun’s warmth. It would remain this way all night long until morning. Only then would the sidewalks be cooled enough to sit on once more.

“
Penny?” Seth’s voice echoed past the soft music in my ears. I pulled out the earphones and followed it, finding him looking curiously at me. “Wow, I didn’t know you’d be here. Why didn’t you text me? I could’ve met up with you.”

“I,
um… I didn’t know I’d be coming here. I just dropped by after work.” I cleared my throat, straightening in my chair.
Oh yay,
I thought.
Caught red-handed.
“What are you doing here?”

“This i
s my coffee shop, remember? The Cup O’ Dream Coffee Shoppe? I own it.”

I turned to read the sign, acting unconvincingly like I hadn’t remembered.
Why had I turned into a stuttering fool? “Really? Oh… I guess I forgot.”
Yep, totally busted.
I sucked in a breath and threw him a goofy smile. Maybe I could throw him off my trail if I just acted oblivious.

He looked doubtful
, but went ahead and pulled out the chair across from me, plopping down, looking even more tired as he let out a breath.

“Bad day?” I asked.

“There’s some problem with one of the machines. Guess it’s not heating up the water hot enough or something crazy like that. I’m supposed to meet the technician any minute now. I was at the other store off Tropicana when I got the call they were having problems here.” Tilting his head, he studied me, his looks darkening as he followed my gaze toward the crowd. “It’s nice, isn’t it?”

“What?”

“People watching. I sit here a lot just watching them walk by. It’s hypnotizing, like you could sit here forever and no one would know anything about you. An anonymous watcher, like a statue or gargoyle.”

I sipped the last of my iced tea, frowning that it was
empty. “Yeah, it’s relaxing in a way. Makes you wonder if all those people walking by are happy or just about as miserable or in worse shape than we’re in. Sometimes just thinking that they could be worse off than I am makes me feel better, like my life isn’t so bad at all compared to some. It could be downright dreadful.” I smiled, hoping the heat covered for my rosy cheeks. “Is it bad to think that way?”

“No.” His tired grin made his face look less tired
, and I cherished it. How much I wanted him to smile even more. “Let me get you another one.” He grabbed my empty cup and shot up from the chair faster than I could protest. “Sweetened tea, right?” I barely gave him a nod before he sprinted through the doors, letting them swing back and forth in his wake.

I guess
ed I wasn’t the only nervous one. That fact alone made me relax a bit, slumping in my chair and sighing. He was definitely not the same guy I’d dated in college. I quite liked this version of him. Memories of our nights together brought a smile to my face. I must’ve looked quite insane sitting there grinning like a fool, but I didn’t want my little bubble of happiness to burst just yet.

“Here,” h
e said as he hurried back, placing a new icy drink in front of me. One small gesture and I was happy as could be. Maybe it was just the small things that mattered. Funny how it took an ex-boyfriend to remind me of that.

“Thanks
.” I leaned back and waited for him to either tend to his machinery issues or chat some more. I really didn’t want him to go. Even sitting in uncomfortable silence was better than nothing. He was more addictive than caffeine.

“No problem. I’m glad you like
d it. My own special tea blends.” He held his own drink in his other hand as he slipped back down onto the chair. “Listen, I’m glad you’re here. I’ve got to ask you something. I was going to wait until later, at dinner, but I need to make arrangements as soon as possible.”

“
Sure, what’s up?” I raised an eyebrow, hoping that whatever it was, it wasn’t something I couldn’t do.

“Can you babysit tomorrow? I know you’re off
, and I’m usually off, but my store manager quit last night, had to up and move to Colorado to join some nudist colony or something crazy like that, so I have to man the store tomorrow. It’s short notice, I know, but my babysitter can’t do it, she’s busy with family this weekend and Cam’s grandmother isn’t in town, either. With the holiday weekend, her stores in Texas are really busy.” It was his turn to shift and squirm in his chair, his foot tapping madly on the concrete.

“
Um…sure. Okay.” I managed to not spit out my drink as I listened, already amused by the problems he had to deal with. No wonder he was always appeared tired. I sat up, leaning my elbows on the table. “But, I don’t know what he likes, what he eats. I rarely babysat when I was younger. It’s just really been Leah, you know?”

“You’ll do fine. H
e likes you, that’s a huge plus. I’ll bring some of his favorite movies and games. He eats most anything, but I can bring food, too. I can’t thank you enough.” His blue eyes looked recharged as he slipped his fingers through mine. His hands felt good, and I didn’t want him to go just yet.

I pasted a smile across my face
, still wondering what I had just signed up for. “It’s nothing. I kinda like the kid so far.” I winked. “Hope he can tolerate me for a few hours.”

“Oh, he’ll adore you.”
Seth jumped up from the chair and surprised me with a tight hug. I let him linger, his cologne reaching my nostrils like pleasant aromatherapy. I was definitely more than relaxed now, and I didn’t want to let go. Why couldn’t he just leave work right then and there? He was already under my skin, and apparently, I didn’t want to fight it.

“Do you want anything else? I can bring you a muffin or something else to drink.” He was kneeling, playing with my fingers as he waited for me to answer.

Yes, could I have a Seth to go, please?

“Oh no, that’s okay. I’m goo
d. Listen, I’m heading home, but text me any details. Work was a killer today, and I think I’ll just relax until you pick me up for dinner.”

He laced his fingers through mine before fli
cking his eyes up to meet my gaze. “Sounds good. I’ll see you later then.” With that, he leaned forward and let his lips brush against mine before hopping up and disappearing into the store.

My h
and reached up, touching my warm lips and still feeling the hum of his kiss against them. Now that was a feeling I could definitely take more of. Sighing, I scooped up my purse and what was left of my drink and made my way out into the rush of people.

~~~~~

THE KEYS TAPPED against the ceramic mug I had set on a table near the door. I peered around my apartment. It didn’t quite feel like the same place I’d left that morning. Maybe it was just my exhaustion, maybe it was Seth on my mind every moment of my day now. I couldn’t shake it, but something mysterious about him made me want to know more now. I’d gotten to know him a bit better spending the last few days with him, but I still wondered what he could he be hiding from me? What lingered under those sky-blue eyes that seemed to hide more secrets than I did? Maybe I was wrong in that and he was just an open book. I knew I wasn’t.

It was disturbing. I could
usually read people really well, but Seth? He was a puzzle that needed solving, but the infinite possibilities made my head spin. Nothing intrigued me more than a challenge, and he was definitely it. Besides, his sexy body sang to me to embrace it with every part of mine, and I was having a hard time staying away from it. Why was that? I didn’t want to fight my attraction to him anymore, that was for certain. I just didn’t want to find myself face first on the concrete floor with my heart in pieces again.

Seth has changed though. I could feel it with every cell in my body. Oh, how mine wanted his body more and more each day. His gentleness and genuine interest in me seemed real enough, so why was I always looking for the snag in his front? I hoped there wasn’t. Oh, how I hoped there wasn’t.

I dropped my purse on the couch and kicked off my flats. My legs ached from running around the hospital all day, meeting patients being discharged, and organizing home care. It wasn’t that it was hard work or that I hated it. I just wasn’t into the hospital life anymore, for it was tedious and almost thankless with long hours. It was time for something more, something bigger and better. Well, maybe not bigger or better, but definitely different.

The cushions felt heavenly as I sank back, letting them engulf me as I closed my eyes. What else would I do? Where would I go if I left my job? I had some savings that could be used to do what I like
d for over a year, but it was risky. What if, at the end of the year, I wasn’t anywhere close to being where I needed to be? It was paralyzing, and I could see how easy it was for people to continue on in their dull, pointless jobs without ever fulfilling any dreams they might’ve had. Fear was an obnoxious thing which sucked the living breath out of your dreams.

What
Seth had said about not realizing my dreams and aspirations in the pool the other day, had struck a chord. I needed to get moving before time slipped away again. I had to figure out how to get what I really wanted before it was too late. If this ended with Seth, that would be my goal. The faster it was all over, the faster I could move on with my life.

Why would I want it to be over?

I rubbed my face, groaning as I paced my living room. I didn’t want it to end. I’d failed in keeping Seth away from my emotions and at arm’s length. Was that such a bad thing? I didn’t want it to be, no matter how much the fear wanted to smother me at that moment. I’d figure it out. If it wasn’t meant to be, so what? I’d lost him before, I’ll just prepare for losing him again. Just in case. No harm in making plans.

But s
omething told me my plans would never go the way I wanted.
Be careful what you wish for,
I thought, sighing.