Keep Breathing (11 page)

Penny

SHIFTING ON MY feet, I peeked up at those indigo eyes which sucked me in each time I dared steal a glance. Wearing a pair of white shorts and a form-fitting black tank and barefoot, I waited impatiently for whatever Seth had brought with him this time. Oh, if only I could read minds for I could barely stand the torment that passed through me while I waited for him to continue after he’d surprised me, showing up at my doorstep and declaring he had something über-important to tell me, something to confess. Well that gets just about anyone’s attention, and I’d been all ears.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” My fingers gripped the edge of the door, turning white as I tried to decide what to do. Seth was waiting quietly just outside my door and looked calm and composed. How does he do that? Look so together when I can’t even keep myself contained without losing my mind trying? It was nice to see him again, even though I was feeling some embarrassment from running out on him after our intimate romp in the sack the other night.

“I’m not sure how
you’ll take this, but I figured what the hell. I’m in this forever, and I thought you’d like to meet someone really special to me.” His eyes twinkled as he said this, and it made me want to panic at whatever surprise he’d whipped up.

“You said no more surprises.” I stepped back, frowning at the prospect of another mystery date.

“It’s nothing crazy. Just…I want you to meet someone special to me.”

My eyes widened
, and I found myself flicking them down to my lazy Saturday clothes and smoothing down the wrinkles with my nervous fingers. Who could it be? Why did he have to spring it on me? I wasn’t one for such suddenness, and he’d already broken his promise to not spring anymore surprises for the rest of the week. I should’ve known he’d forget that so quickly. I was glad I had at least showered and changed into a fresh set of clothes. Otherwise, I would have had to make him wait before I was presentable enough to meet someone new.

“I’m not ready to meet anyone…
.” I shifted my bare feet on my carpet. I was still standing inside my apartment and was terribly tempted to just shut the door and lock the deadbolt. Darn anxiety was gnawing at me already and it wasn’t even lunchtime yet.

“It’ll be fine, you look amazing the way you are.
Come on,” he begged, throwing me that smile that seemed to know just how to melt my exterior wall with the precision of a laser beam. I groaned as I relented, pressing my lips together disapprovingly. I hoped he knew how much trouble he was. It was the least he could do when putting me through this sort of thing.

“Let me grab my shoes and purse. One sec.” I turned and sighed,
tugging my hair with my fingers as I searched the room for my scattered things. Throwing on some sandals, I swung my purse over my shoulder and shuffled to the doorway, where he waited patiently. His face lit up as I approached, making my semi-fouled-up mood ease up a bit. I muttered that I hated surprises again so he wouldn’t think his victory would go unpunished, and yanked the door behind me, clicked the lock and proceeded to follow him down the stairs toward his car.

“I’m sorry to
spring it on you, but I had to do this before I changed my mind,” he said as we approached his vehicle. It was running, the AC humming under the hood as the fan clicks on and off. I stopped in my steps, already not wanting to know what was next. Someone was obviously in the car, the same car I’d had Joss follow me in to drop off at his house a few days before.

“This sounds bad.”

“No! Not bad at all. I’m just excited and nervous at the same time. Cameron never gets to meet anyone I date.” He waved me over. When I still didn’t budge, he returned, took my hand and tugged me along. “It isn’t bad, I promise.”

He unlocked the
car and a blast of cold air escaped as he reached inside. Seth stepped back and let a small boy slide out of the seat. The kid just stared at me with large, hard blue eyes which looked extremely familiar. I’d seen them in my dreams for years, and here were a small pair that matched them perfectly.

“I want you to meet my son,
Cameron. Cam, this is Penny. She’s a really special lady.” The kid couldn’t have been more than five. His baby fat still clung to his bones and smoothed out his features. He eyed me up and down, observant and coy, just like his father.

“Hi,” his small voice responded
, and he held out a tiny hand. I took it, feeling its smooth, yet perpetually sticky little kid skin. I didn’t know what to think. What did this mean?

“
Hello there, Cam.” I shook his hand and let mine drop to my side. His soft wisps of blond hair were neatly brushed to one side, and his shirt had a Spider-Man logo displayed brightly against the royal blue of the fabric. Small stains lined the collar, as if he’d been eating candy recently. His tiny pink lips slid into a shy smile as he took me in. He looked like an old soul trapped in a tiny body.

“
Cam, I knew Penny a long time ago, and luckily, we ran into each other again.” Seth shifted on his feet, making us both turn toward his nervous shuffle. “I’m really glad you guys could meet. I thought the three of us could get a bite to eat, I’m starving. How about it? Let’s go get some lunch!” He helped Cameron back into the back seat and opened the door for me on the passenger side.

I stood there in silence, still digesting
the fact I’d just met Seth’s little son. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that the kid existed and I felt slightly guilty that I’d forgotten about him. Being self-absorbed and wallowing in my own misery had left me completely unprepared for this. Served me right.

Seth opening the passenger side door pulled me out of my thoughts
. I forced a smile across my face.

“Lunch is a fabulous idea. Breakfast wasn’t that great.”
I plopped down into the frigid interior of the car, stunned and speechless.

I sat
there in silence, unsure of how to react. Seth has a son. If I calculated right, the kid was about five years old. I remember Seth mentioning he had knocked someone up pretty soon after we’d broken up. Dana was her name, right? Gosh, I had to pay better attention to what this man had told me about himself. Was I so self-involved that I hadn’t taken care to imprint these details into my mind? I glanced back toward the kid, who was busy watching the cars pass outside. He must’ve felt my eyes on him because he suddenly turned and met mine. I gave him a small smile, but he just continued to stare curiously at me. I wondered what was running through that little brain.

I turned away and faced the side window, feeling a small pinch of sad
ness. He could’ve been my child if Seth hadn’t messed it all up. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Having kids wasn’t something I’d ever really thought about. If we’d stayed together, would things have been vastly different between us? Maybe it was a good thing he’d knocked up someone else, even though things hadn’t exactly worked out well there either. It made me sad to know Cam’s mother was dead. Having kids was no picnic and I wondered if that might’ve been us, broken no matter what.

Clearing my throat
, I returned my gaze to Seth. His fingers drummed on the steering wheel, alternating between gripping it and laying them casually on his thigh. He was probably relieved that my introduction to Cam had gone as well as he could’ve imagined.

“What happened?”

“What happened to what?”

I lowered my voice and l
eaned toward him, hoping Cam wouldn’t hear me. “To his mother and you. Why couldn’t you make it work before she…died? What happened there?”

His throat tightened;
I could tell by his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as his lips pressed together. I hadn’t thought it’d be that sensitive of a subject, and I immediately regretted asking him.

“
We weren’t in love.”

“Oh
, okay.” I waited for him to elaborate, feeling my cheeks flush in embarrassment. Thank goodness he was driving and had to keep his eyes on the road. I flicked my eyes once more to Cam, who was busy tracing the window with a wet, licked finger.
Eww.

“What did she die from again?” Was I queen of inappropriate or what?

“Leukemia, when Cam was two years old. It was pretty fast, treatment was useless.” He swallowed and sighed as we waited for a red light to turn. “He doesn’t even remember her.”

“I’m terribly sorry,” I suddenly felt guilty for prying. What was wrong with me? “I
didn’t mean to pry.” I rubbed my palms on my thighs, feeling really uncomfortable and sweaty.

“No, it’s perfectly fine. I wouldn’t introduce him
to you and leave you wondering. It’s just not easy talking about it. We weren’t together when it happened. We broke up the year before, but I was there for her, and Cam, of course.” He sighed, and ran his fingers though his hair. He looked somewhat tired, if my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. The dark shadows under his eyes and five o’clock shadow along his jawline made me wonder just what he did all day long besides work. He obviously had obligations, which seemed to soften up something inside me, but what else was going on in his life? I felt desperate to know more because no matter how I looked at it, I barely knew Seth. He might as well have been a complete stranger for all we knew of each other.

“Well, that’s admirable. I’m gla
d he has you. Must be hard, you know, being a single dad.”

“Yeah.
” Seth threw me a smile, his fatigue immediately erasing from his face. “It’s really hard. You get more sleep when they get bigger, but the problems change as they grow. They don’t tell you that in the parent’s manual, you know. I’m pretty much just flying by the seat of my pants.” His chuckle made me grin, and I wanted to give him a big hug right there. Holding it in felt like torture, so I avoided looking at him anymore.

“Here we are! Best Italian food in town.” He parked t
he car and hopped out so fast I barely realized he was at my door when he pulled it wide open. I took his hand, and he opened the back door to let Cameron out. The kid really was a quiet one, but his saucer eyes were drilling into me now, making me just a bit nervous. I didn’t want to feel like a third wheel and had to remedy the situation.

“Hey, Cam
, do you like Italian food?” I bent down to squat at his level. He searched my face, looking slightly petrified and relieved at the same time.

“Yes,” h
e whispered. His shyness made his face spring a darker pink as he stepped behind his father’s leg.

Definitely
not one for words
,
I thought.

“Great! Me
, too! It’s my favorite.”

“Mine,
too!” He smiled, and I offered him my hand. He accepted, slipping his tiny fingers through mine. Standing up, I found Seth looking no less than shocked.

“He doesn’t really talk much
,” he offered, following behind us.

“Neither do I, thank goodness!” I laughe
d, which brought a wider smile to Cam’s face. “Talking gets kind of noisy, doesn’t it?”

He nodded madly and skipped ahead, reaching the doors and shoving with all his little
, bony body’s strength. He was a cute one, and I hoped he wouldn’t be too mad if Seth and I didn’t work out. That little possibility made my stomach clench, but I tried to ignore it. The future was so murky right now and it was better to try not to think of it.

“I th
ink he likes you,” Seth said, leaning in as we watched Cam find a spot on the bench for patrons awaiting to be seated.

“Nah, he’s a kid, the
y love getting asked questions, in my experience. Leah’s like that. Quiet as a mouse until you get her talking. Then…watch out, never stops chatting after that!” We both laughed and watched Cam peering over the side of the wall behind the bench. He watched the people eating their lunches with great interest. “No, I mean, he never warms up to anyone. Ever.”

I peered curiously at
Seth. His words made me wonder what was going on with him. Seth was chatty, but he wasn’t an open book. He went deeper than I’d ever thought, and it made me curious.

“What do you mean?”

“His teachers, they say he never speaks in class, not even to his classmates. Sometimes I wonder, you know, if he remembers his mother and all that happened, and it somehow affected him.”

“Maybe. Kids are smart;
they understand more than you know. Maybe he’s just shy. Not that I would really know anything about kids.” I bit my lip. Why was I offering advice to a parent when I wasn’t even one? I kicked myself mentally for opening my big fat mouth.

“I wonder sometimes
,” Seth said, unaffected. “She had an abusive boyfriend who’d yell at him a lot. I really tried to get custody faster, but she was stubborn. Then, she got sick, her boyfriend left her and she was all alone with Cam. I did what I could to help and ended getting him a lot more of the time than I thought I would, almost full-time right away. I wasn’t prepared. She and I just weren’t a good couple, and she never wanted to try harder to make it work. At least we got along in the end, for his sake.” He paused as the hostess approached and immediately directed us to an open booth.