Keep Breathing (17 page)

Penny

I STARED THROUGH the slit in the doorway, studying his dark blue eyes beaming back. My heart was racing, and this surprise was certainly a pleasant one. He looked somewhat tired, but it only added to his incredibly delicious features. It was difficult to stay mad at him, and it made me feel weak, even though I was tired of fighting my feelings.

“Hey,” I whispered, barely aware that I had yet to
unhook the brass chain dangling just under my nose. “What’s going on? You scared me. I thought the building was on fire or something.”

“Sorry about that.” H
e rubbed his chin where the short stubble growing finely on his jawline made me want to feel its slight roughness with my fingertips. Tracing his lips would have been infinitely pleasurable and I restrained myself from doing so, even though it was killing me inside. “I know it’s late. I just… I had to see you.”

I wrinkled my eyebrows at his statement, feeling jilted out of place
, but I couldn’t deny wanting to pull his arms around me. “One sec.” I yanked the chain off and opened the door wider, letting him through before I clicked it shut, pressing my back against the cool metal of the door.

“
Can’t sleep?”

He shook his head, invading my space as I
reseated the security chain. His proximity was more than I could bear, but he inched even closer until his arms slipped around my waist and his breath made mine catch. Oh, that musky, manly scent of his was intoxicating and so unfair. How could he not know the effect he had on me? “The nights are long, especially when all I can think about is you, Penny.”

How could
I respond to that? I couldn’t. At least my stuttered words never really got to leave my lips because the next moment, his were pressed onto mine, his hands softly cupping my cheeks. Kissing with an intensity that grew with each second, I let myself relax into his body, melting like butter right into him. I kissed him back as my eyes closed, not wanting to feel anything else. His eyes were tightly shut, and his body reacted immediately to mine as we stood there, devouring each other.

I couldn’t even breathe, but somehow, I didn’t mind it one bit. It was like being in
an orgasmic bubble that stopped time and let me feel the rush overwhelm me as his lips left mine to explore my jawline, then up toward my earlobes. His tongue tickled my skin, making me gasp. My clothes were swiftly moved aside as his hands explored my body, first through the thin camisole and then slipping under it to caress my skin. It sent waves of energy up my navel and down to every place inside me capable of pleasure.

My silky robe fell to the floor in
a rumpled pile before he pulled me close and lifted me up so I could wrap my legs around his torso. We continued to kiss, his tongue furiously tangling with mine. Already I was on fire, and his love would be the only relief from the building inferno within me. At that moment, I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted him before. More than in college or on the many lonely nights I’d prayed he’d come crawling back to me and beg forgiveness. All of that was now meaningless. I was here, in his arms, set ablaze by every finger trace and lick upon my skin. It was a place to disappear into, and I was more than willing.

His fingertips burned
, and I could feel the warmth of him increase as he pulled me toward the bedroom. I didn’t know if I would make it. I was breathless, and my senses felt hyperaware of every movement, ever touch. Once there, he stood in front of me, pulling his shirt off and letting it drop to the floor. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him, his rippled stomach, his scent intoxicating as he continued his kisses down toward my belly button and onto the edges of my lace panties. His tongue slipped across my skin, near the indention of my hipbone, making me suck in a gasp as he pushed at the lace and then helped it along with his fingers.

I want
ed him to rip them off and take me immediately. The urge to grab him and shove him onto the bed for me to devour filled my mind with a desperation I hadn’t felt in such a long time. It was a feeling I wanted to drown in and relish forever.

Tucking his fingers unde
r the band of the lace, he yanked the thong down and tossed it to the side. Still kneeling, he gripped my thighs and brought his soft lips across my leg, nipping as he made his way up. Goosebumps flared across my skin, making everything contract, inside and out. It threw me into a shivering mess, every touch, every flick of his tongue. I was done for. I’d do whatever he wanted as long as he continued to lick and nip his way across my skin. He found my lacey satin bra in his way, reached behind me and unclasped it with ease.

The way those indigo eyes stared at me, full of mischief and gleaming in the dim lighting of the room
, imprisoned me. I couldn’t help but to run my fingers through his thick blond hair, loving the feel of his messy locks. It made him smile, the lust apparent in his eyes a reflection of my own. He was enjoying every second of my torment, and I was most definitely a goner, overtaken by his spell once more.

He continued
to explore as he also carelessly let my bra drop to the floor. I was naked, and he still had half his clothes on. Moving my fingers to his belt, I made fast work of it and tore at his slacks. It was only fair. I wanted to see more, all of him.

Helping me along, he pressed against me once
he was free of his clothes. His skin sang against mine, and I could feel the sheen of sweat building as we furiously began kissing again, aching to become one as we inhaled each other, like a medicinal high that threatened to consume us to the very end. I wouldn’t have minded, for it was everything I needed just then. As we slid into the bed, I let the pleasurable emotions engulf me. With his body so close, his breath felt warm against my skin and his cologne lingered, transferring his scent to me. Nothing turned me on more than inhaling his sweet aroma.

Would I always feel like this
, I wondered, or would it fade away, especially when my torturous memory had a tendency to overwhelm me? Gripping my fingers on his shoulders, I let him take me away to a place more real than my mind could have ever imagined. A place I never wanted to live without.

“
Penny?” Seth’s question was laced in longing, and I let myself come out of the trance just long enough to answer.

“Yes?”

“I love you. You know that, right?”

I nodded. I had n
ever been surer. “Yes.”

His smile made
me want to lick those lips once more. “Good.”

“
Seth?”

“Yes, my love.”

“I love you, too.”

Penny

A SIREN WAILING in the distance awakened me, and I stared into the spinning ceiling fan, feeling the exhaustion set fire to my muscles. Blinking, I wasn’t quite sure what time it was, but from the looks of the sun spilling through the slats of the blinds, it was close to noon. The bedside clock confirmed my suspicions. I’d slept in, but it wasn’t like I had anywhere special to go.

Drat!

I shoved the blankets off me and sat up, pausing as the room spun in a nauseating tilt. We’d been up all night, having way too much fun. Just thinking about it brought a blush to my cheeks as they warmed up, betraying my thoughts. He’d done so many lovely things to my body all night long, and every sore muscle was thanking me for it dearly. I didn’t care—the chapped lips and aching muscles, along with rat’s nest hair, had been well worth it.

Speaking of
Seth, where was he? I swung my legs over the side and surveyed the room. My clothes were still scattered across the carpet, making me realize how naked I was. I pulled a tank and undies out of my dresser and slipped on some shorts. Yanking the knots out of my hair, I took a peek at my face in the mirror and groaned. Scrubbing the leftover smears of makeup off, I finally emerged from my room and headed toward the yummy smell of food. He was cooking for me again, which again brought me dangerously close to never letting him go. I could definitely let him continue to cook for me. The sex was an extra, extra, extra plus.

But first, he had a lot of explaining to do. I was tired of being angry
, and I promised myself no matter what, I’d listen to what he had to say. It was kind of useless to fight now, especially since I’d handed myself over to him many times the night before. A bit of me didn’t want to hear it, and another part wanted to let him have it. He’d caught me off guard, and there had been no time to assess just how angry I was. Now it was probably too late to hash it out. The way he could always disarm me, one way or another, left me puzzled.

Straightening my stance and pulling my shoulders back, chin up and a determined pose to my lips, I strode into my dining room, if you could call it that. It was more of a breakfast nook
, really. My lips wavered and dropped open at the feast displayed before me. Two plates stacked high with pancakes, bacon, eggs and potatoes sat steaming. He’d used my good place settings, the ones I brought out for guests, not the old, but trusty mismatched plates I usually used. He had a candelabra set up in the middle, where a small flame flickered in the soft breeze of the ceiling fan. He’d even pulled out my tablecloth, which I usually didn’t pull out until Thanksgiving.

It wasn’t just that
, either. A brief scan of the room revealed that he’d been quite busy as I’d lain lazily snoring away in the bedroom. All the old fast food wrappers, soda cups and trash had been picked up and the living room tidied. The stale food smell was gone, as the windows had been thrown wide open, letting the early morning air float in. Turning toward the kitchen, my cheeks burned as I realized he’d washed all my dirty dishes, dried them and put them away.

Okay
,
I thought,
I must still be dreaming.

“Hey
, darling.” Seth was carrying two juice glasses and a pitcher of orange juice. Had he gone to the store, too? He placed them on the table before approaching me, pulling me into a tight embrace as he slowly kissed my lips. His were so soft and a reminder of what exactly he could do with them flashed into my mind. It made me breathless as his strong, muscular arms held me up. Thank goodness, for I was afraid I was going to melt into the floor.

“Hi,” was
all I managed to say when he pulled away. A small disappointment tore through me as I watched him step back to finish setting up the table. His arms needed to stay around me, forever if they could.

Grinning, he pull
ed out a chair and indicated that it was for me. “M’Lady, your breakfast is served.”

I laughed, slipping down onto the chair and admir
ing his shirtless chest. “You didn’t go to the store like that, did you? Those ladies there aren’t young anymore. You may have given one of them a heart attack. Quite possibly the siren I heard earlier.” My eyes were definitely devouring his fit physique, and I didn’t hide the longing. The time was over to swallow away my feelings. It was more exhausting than it was worth. Still, even though I wanted to rush over to him and run my lips over every muscle, I restrained myself and peeked down at the delicious food he’d prepared, just for me.

“Wow, you went all out.”

“Only the best.” He winked and dug into his own pile of food, obviously ravenous from the previous night’s activities. “Did I tell you I love to cook? Cam says I’m the only dad at his school who does. He even asked me if that made me different. I told him, ‘Sure, in an awesome, number-one-dad kind of way.’ He just threw me a weird look, like I was nuts, shrugged and continued on.”

I smiled, keeping my food from spilling out of my overstuffed mouth. It was so good I was eating too fast and knew I’d regret
that later. I managed to swallow it down to talk. “Kids. You’ve done a great job, you know. I always thought I’d like some kids, but it didn’t seem to ever be in the cards.” The silent melancholy hit me suddenly, knowing full well that Cam probably should’ve been mine. I grabbed my glass of juice and took a huge gulp, hoping it would work out the knot forming in my throat.

“You still can, you know. I can see you being
a really good mother.” He lifted his glass to me, clicking it against mine.

“Maybe.
”

“I’m serious.”

Stuffed full, I watched him finish his meal before he got up to clear the table. “I just thought if I was going to have kids, it would’ve happened already. But it never did.”

Seth
was at my side again, on his knees and rubbing my arms up and down. “Sometimes you just have to be patient. It’ll come when you’re ready.”

I nodded, still skeptical
, as he played with my hair, his eyes turning dreamy as he took in my features. His tenderness felt relaxing, like a soothing balm on a sunburn.

“Give it time. I’m sure it’s coming.”

I wasn’t so convinced, but I didn’t argue.

“Look, I’m sorry about the other day.”

So he brought it up before I had to. I blew out a breath, relieved that he had. “I know.”

“Joss really loves you. S
he only wanted you to be happy, as do I.”

I nodded, n
ot really knowing what to say because I could still feel the sting of their scheming. I understood why they’d done it, but I couldn’t help feeling betrayed. “It’s just… maybe including me in this would’ve been nice,” I said. “Why hide it from me?”

Seth
was massaging my hands, each finger slowly being kneaded between his. It felt amazing, and I fought the distraction of it to stay keep focused, gritting my teeth and looking away.

“I know. I wanted to tell you. I’m not blaming Joss at all. We discussed it extensively
, and we both felt that if you didn’t know about it, you’d be more open to forgive me and maybe, just maybe, we could recapture what we had before I screwed it all up.”

“I hated you.”

The pain in his face stung, but it also brought a small satisfaction to me. I had wanted to hurt him, hadn’t I? To make him feel what I’d felt so long ago, when he’d shattered our love without remorse, without any valid reason. It was bittersweet.

“I know.”

“Wouldn’t you have a hard time loving someone again who’d torn your heart to shreds and stomped on it like squishing a bug? You want me to let it go and just say yes. Joss wants me to also. Hell, how can I fight you both? How can I let you know that what you did was unacceptable, back then and now? Don’t you realize how messed up it left me? You say you’re sorry, but continue to hold things from me. I know I love you, but I just don’t know how to forgive you when you make it so hard. Promise me…No more secrets.”

He watched me fuming with
nothing but calm emanating from him. How he could take such an assault and not cave made me throw some points his way. I felt terrible almost immediately. Why did it feel worse than I thought it would have? Wasn’t it supposed to make me feel better?

“
Look, you know I regret it,” he said, “and that I’ve owned up to my mistake. Believe it or not, I felt just as much pain as you did. I’m not saying feel sorry for me, I just want to let you see that I paid for what I did, and I’ll continue to try to make it up to you.” He paused, pulling out the chair beside me and hoisting himself into it. He looked suddenly exhausted again, and the circles under his eyes were stark compared to other times I’d seen him.

“I’ve never told anyone
this, because I don’t have anyone anymore, Penny. But I want you to know what’s been going on with me since I messed it up between us. You don’t have to forgive me, just listen.”

I didn
’t move from my spot, but I did nod so he could continue.

“
I didn’t want you to have to give up your perfectly planned life to follow me back to Moldova. I had to go back; my visa was expiring. So, like an idiot, I shoved you away so that you wouldn’t come looking for me, and I could leave knowing you had moved on. Well, I hadn’t planned to have a one night stand with Cam’s mother right after we broke up. I was trying to erase you from my memory, but I just buried myself even more. She got pregnant, a total shock for me. I found out about her pregnancy when I was in Moldova, so things kind of spiraled out of control because of my mistakes. I didn’t love her, though for Cam’s sake, I tried to make it work. I’m not perfect.

“
I wish I had known that I’d be able to return here faster than I had initially thought, but by then, I’d already fucked it all up between us, and my father was on his deathbed. I’m not this devil that you perceive me as. I messed up when I hurt you, you know that. I made a sorry excuse to run from the only person that made me feel like it was okay to be me. But I ran into more mistakes, no matter what I did. I had to take responsibility for my actions, and it had to start with Cam. I don’t know if you’ve ever made such mistakes, but I think about them every day. Every day. I’ve paid dearly for what I’ve done and even so, I was left alone, my father dead, having to leave my mother miles away so that I could return to raise a little kid who I didn’t even know what to do with. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, I don’t regret having him, but if I could turn the clock back, I’d have told you I loved you and never let you go. I still pay every second of the day for my stupid decisions. I just wanted you to know that no matter what, I’m here now. I’m here now, and I don’t plan on walking away ever again. I promise to not hold back anything, anymore. I’m here if you want me.”

I was floored, my mouth
hanging open like I was catching flies. I had never expected him to say anything like that, and there was no way for me to recover from it. Clamping my mouth shut seemed like the best idea at the moment, so I did, licking my now parched lips as my heart fluttered inside.

“
Penny, I hoped and prayed that one day you could look at me and not think of how I left you. I really do. I dreamt of telling you these things for so long in the hope that you’d take me back. Even so, you know what the worst part is?”

I shook my head, still stunned. Why did he have to slice himself open and hand me his heart on a platter
, bleeding and still pumping furiously? Had I asked for that? Had I been so wrong about him for too long? It hurt so much to hear him hurting.

“The worst part of it all is that
I’ll never forgive myself for what happened to you afterward, or to Cameron, to his mother. I’ll never let myself forget any it because it was always my fault.”

The moments ticked by, and his head was in his hands. He looked helpless, destroyed. So why did I suddenly feel so guilty? Why was Joss screaming in my head to scoot over and slip my arms around him, take care of him this time around? She was right, I had failed myself by not forgiving
Seth as fast as I should’ve. Had he not proven to me already that he wasn’t the same man, no longer the insecure college frat boy whom I’d once known? Hadn’t our lives become entangled enough by this point?

We had
, and here I was, still hesitating.
Get up Penny. Get up and hold onto him.

The distance between us felt so far, yet I found myself inching closer, until our legs bumped and my arms made their way around him. His scent made my heart hammer in my chest, as if
in anticipation of the euphoria awaited it, and all it could do was beat. Nothing mattered except this moment, because I knew I needed him, we needed each other, no matter what pains had molded us up until now, this time, we knew better.

Sometimes standing still was
the best thing to do. Sometimes the loneliness we created inside ourselves becomes our own self-imposed prisons that we alone must break out of. We must take down our own walls, brick by hardened brick, just to let ourselves out to breathe once more. It was as easy as reaching out and touching the person I loved. It was as easy as saying it was going to be alright because I knew then, that it would be.