More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (18 page)

(Pause)

CUSTOMER:
Do you have that book all them women are reading?

BOOKSELLER:
Ahem …

Richard Ryan:
The Good Book Shop, Belfast, UK.

(A customer has brought in a box of coverless, very damaged books and wants the bookshop to buy them)

BOOKSELLER:
I’m sorry madam, but we don’t buy books like this.

CUSTOMER:
But your sign says that you buy books, and I want to get rid of these. What sort of books do you buy?

BOOKSELLER:
Well, perhaps the sort of books you left at home?

CUSTOMER:
I wouldn’t want to sell those! They’re nice books!

Ian Snelling:
SA Book Connection, KwaZulu-Natal, South Africa.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a book that interprets life?

BOOKSELLER:
I’m not sure I know what you mean.

CUSTOMER:
Well, I was out hiking the other day, and I saw a wolf. I want to know what that meant.

Jody Mosley:
Barnes and Noble, Boulder, Colorado, USA.

CUSTOMER:
Can you recommend something to read? I’m very widely read.

BOOKSELLER:
Sure, how about–

CUSTOMER
(interrupting)
: I don’t read anything written in the first person.

BOOKSELLER:
OK, how about–

CUSTOMER:
And I don’t read books by women. I just can’t stand things written by female authors.

Tilly Lunken:
Thesaurus Books, Melbourne, Australia.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have a true crime section?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes.

(Bookseller takes customer to the true crime section. A few minutes later, the customer moves towards the front door with a book in his pocket.)

BOOKSELLER:
Erm, are you going to pay for that book?

CUSTOMER:
No.

BOOKSELLER:
(taking book from customer’s pocket)
: Please don’t come back.

CUSTOMER:
Oh. Does this mean I have to bring all the other books back, too?

BOOKSELLER:
…

Toby Halsey:
Elizabeth’s Bookshops, Perth, Australia.

(While browsing our antiquarian section, a customer drops a 160 year old book. The marbled front end board cartwheels in the opposite direction to the text block as it hits the floor.

With her hand to her chest, the customer gasps, looks at the book, then sighs with relief)

CUSTOMER:
Gosh, thank goodness that was just some old book!

James Findlay:
Explorers Books, Johannesburg, South Africa.

CUSTOMER:
Hi, I’m looking for a book version of my Sat Nav.

BOOKSELLER:
… Do you mean a road map?

CUSTOMER:
… Maybe.

Stephanie Ose:
Waterstones, Newbury, UK.

LITTLE GIRL:
Mommy, I could stay in here all day!

MOTHER:
I don’t know why you read; it’ll never get you anywhere.

MAN
(looking at a giant map in the bookstore)
: When did they move New Zealand way down by Australia? Wasn’t it in Europe before?

BOOKSELLER:
…

CUSTOMER:
These are used books?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes

CUSTOMER:
Do you have the Stephen King book that comes out next week?

BOOKSELLER:
… No.