More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops (19 page)

(One bright Saturday afternoon)

CUSTOMER
(walks up to counter)
: Are you open on Saturdays?

Christopher Sheedy:
Re:Reading Bookstore, Toronto, Canada.

BOOKSELLER:
Would you like a bag?

CUSTOMER:
No, I’d like a divorce.

Georgine Balassone:
Bookshop Santa Cruz, California, USA.

CUSTOMER
(anxiously, to friend)
: I don’t know where it’d be; I have no idea what section it would be in. I just don’t know.

BOOKSELLER:
Hello, do you need any help?

CUSTOMER
(annoyed)
: No, we’re fine, thank you.

WOMAN:
Do you have any books about sexual health?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes, in the health section just behind me.

WOMAN:
Because you can never be too careful nowadays, can you?

BOOKSELLER:
I guess not.

WOMAN:
It’s always good to be prepared, isn’t it?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes, of course.

WOMAN:
Protection is very important.

BOOKSELLER:
… Yep.

WOMAN:
Are you always prepared? What do you normally use for protection?

BOOKSELLER:
…

BOOKSELLER:
As you’ve spent over ten pounds, you could buy a copy of
The Host
by Stephenie Meyer for just one pound ninety nine?

CUSTOMER:
Oh no. I’d never read a book written by a Mormon.

Nicholas Blake:
Waterstones, Nottingham, UK.

CUSTOMER
(looking at a full wall of shelves dedicated to Shakespeare)
: Is that all the Shakespeare you have in stock?

BOOKSELLER:
Yes, but I can order anything specific if we don’t have it.

CUSTOMER:
Well, I think it’s disgraceful that you seem to have all of his plays and none of his novels.

Tracey Sinclair:
University Bookshop, Glasgow, UK.

CUSTOMER:
In which section would I find a book on the workings of the internal combustion engine, suitable for a three-year-old?

CUSTOMER
(holding a signed copy of a Jacqueline Wilson book)
: I want to buy this book, but not this copy because someone’s written in it.

BOOKSELLER:
… That’s the author’s signature.

CUSTOMER:
I don’t care who’s written in it – I just want a clean copy!

Clare Poole:
PG & Wells Booksellers, Winchester, UK.

CUSTOMER:
Where’s your true fiction section?

Betsy Urbik:
Barnes and Noble, Rockford, Illinois, USA.

CUSTOMER:
Do you have
Harry Potter
book seven, part two?

BOOKSELLER:
Book seven,
The Deathly Hallows
, is just one volume.

CUSTOMER:
But the movie has two parts, so there must be a second book! They don’t just make movies from nothing!

Gabe Konrád:
Bay Leaf Used & Rare Books, Sand Lake, Michigan, USA.

CUSTOMER:
Have you read …