Mosaic (20 page)

“I said I’d take you home. Just wait.”

I didn’t wait. I started for the door, leaving him to worry about the bill. I was out in the cool night in less than ten seconds, leaning out into the street and anxiously scanning everywhere for signs of a cab. Checking my watch, it was only nine-thirty. Julian was an hour ahead of me on Eastern Time, but it still wasn’t too late to call and explain.

“I don’t think we’ll get a cab down here on a Tuesday night.” Jack was at my side again, but I ignored him. I kept looking up and down then I started walking toward the street corner. Maybe on one of the cross-streets…

“You’re heading in the wrong direction to get back to your duplex.” He touched my arm, but I pulled it away. “Anna. Let me walk you back.”

I wouldn’t look at him. I was furious, but I couldn’t decide if it was at him or me. He’d only showed up and asked me to dinner. I was the one who’d said yes.

He tried again. “I’m not sure why Summer upset you so much, but I wish you’d let me walk you home. I’d really hoped we could talk tonight.”

That brought me around slightly. I stopped looking up and down the road and accepted that I wasn’t finding a cab here tonight. Turning to him, my shoulders dropped. “She tends to have a knack for showing up at the worst times.”

“I wouldn’t know. She’s the little cousin of… of a friend of mine.”

I didn’t bother pointing out that
friend
was Casey Simpson. Who cared? “We have a little history.”

“I take it not a good one.”

I wasn’t going into it with him. “Let’s get going.”

We didn’t talk much on the way back. My heels clicked on the sidewalks, and Jack seemed preoccupied. My thoughts were all focused on what I’d say to Julian when I called him in a few minutes, and as steps turned into blocks, it wasn’t long before we were at my door.

“Thanks for dinner.” I stretched out my hand to shake before I dashed inside. It still wasn’t too late to call.

“Would you hang on for just a minute?”

“Jack, I—”

He stepped closer, and I stepped back. But the front door was at my back, and I couldn’t go any further. He was so close to me, warm and familiar, and completely not what I wanted.

“That day… at the hospital, you asked me what this was.”

I’d still wanted to know at the start of tonight—until the flash of Summer’s camera put a spotlight on what I was doing.

“It’s probably not my business.” I wouldn’t look up and meet his eyes. “It really never was.”

He leaned a little closer and his voice dropped. “I’m sorry about that night at Fat Harry’s, when I was drunk and came on too strong.”

“Apology accepted.” I was blinking too fast. “You were dealing with things I didn’t understand. Water under the bridge.”

“These last few weeks I’ve thought a lot about who I used to be. Past mistakes and all. I’m sorry, Anna. I’m so sorry for how I treated you last year, how I hurt you. I was such an ass, and I took from you over and over because I needed you. I needed the way you used to look at me. It kept me going.”

The desperation I felt slowly melted at his words. They were exactly what I’d wanted him to say every time I took him back. Cautiously, I blinked up to meet his eyes, so blue and open.

“Why are you saying this now?” My voice was a hoarse whisper.

He looked up and exhaled, but he was so close, his breath whispered across my cheek.

“I’ve been thinking about everything, and through it all, one thing stands out so strong in my memory.”

I studied his square jaw. His blonde hair, dark at the roots but light and shaggy around his collar. I remembered him so well.

Timidly urging him on, my voice was just above a whisper. “What is it?”

He looked down at me, and I felt paralyzed by his gaze. “You.”

“Me?” I was breathing too fast. My brain was barking orders for me to go inside now, but I needed to hear this. I
had
to hear this. “Why?”

His eyes traveled around my face in a longing way, and the vindication was so sweet. “You’ve given me a reason to try, and I’d give anything if you saw me through those old eyes again—like I was something worth having.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “But… you are worth having.”

We were standing close, and when he looked down, his expression was so serious. So determined. I couldn’t breathe.

“I miss that so much.” He leaned forward and before I could even think, his mouth covered mine. Lips parted, and our tongues met. My knees buckled, but his arm went around my waist holding me up.

He pressed me against the wall, catching my cheek with one hand. A little noise came from my throat as he kissed me deeper, and for a moment I was lost in the whirlwind of what was happening.

I knew what he wanted. I could feel it, but somehow, through all of it, I managed to fight. I found my feet, and I grasped desperately at the strength I’d been so proud of. My hands fumbled to his shoulders as I pushed him away.

Our lips parted with a smack, and I covered my face. “Oh my god.” I cried in a whisper. “Oh my god!”

Tears splashed between my fingers onto my cheeks, and I was drowning in the tsunami of guilt over what I’d just done, what I’d just let happen.

“Anna…” His voice was husky, and he was back, leaning in for more.

I ducked and spun out of his embrace. “You have to leave. Now!” I took a shuddering breath and wiped the tears away.
Oh, god. What had I done?

“Are you crying?” The desire that was in his voice was now replaced with confusion. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

I didn’t have time to explain what he should already know. “Goodnight, Jack.”

Stepping through the door, I slammed it shut, turning the lock before I slid down to sitting. I put my forehead on my knees and sobbed.

* * *

Rachel had spent the night with Brad, so I wasn’t sure how long I sat on the floor in front of the door crying. Jack had knocked a little while, begging me to open up and talk to him, but he finally went away. I leaned to my side and cried, staring at the crack under my door where the light was still on, where my laptop still sat on the bed, where I’d just talked to my love before I went out and betrayed him.

I couldn’t move from all the emotions weighing me down. Of all the things I’d feared would come between us, me kissing Jack had never been one of them. I hadn’t been able to imagine any scenario that would lead to such an occurrence. How had I let this happen?

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and somehow I managed to lift it.

Julian texted me.
Sorry about tonight. I guess I’m still processing everything.

Closing my eyes, I could see his dark head. His blue eyes and sweet lips, the only lips I wanted pressed against mine ever. My stomach cramped harder.

No worries.
I texted back.
It’s a lot to process. I can wait. I love you.

I love you. Night, Sunshine.

Fresh tears flooded my eyes, and I decided to wait. I’d tell him in person what happened, so he could see my face. So he could know no matter how badly I’d screwed up, I was so, so sorry. I loved him so much, and I’d do whatever it took to prove it to him.

Anna’s Private Blog: April Storms

Julian and I continued to Skype like always, and while the heaviness of what I’d done pressed down on me, I was able to put it away in my mind, waiting until we were together again to come clean.

I’d actually been able to forget about it. Spring break was getting closer, and apart from school, his family, me, our friends, were all preoccupied with the preparations and buildup to Lucy’s wedding.

It was only a week out, and while seeing him again, knowing what I had to say, filled me with dread, I was ready to get it out in the open. I was prepared for him to be angry. I was ready for him to shout or pull away or even say he needed a few days to process.

I wasn’t ready for him to call.

I hit connect, and his face popped up on my screen. His expression was serious, but it had been for the last few weeks—ever since we’d talked about his mother and her relationship with his dad.

“One more week.” I stretched on the bed, finding it impossible to hide my smile. “This is the longest we’ve ever been apart. I expect you glued to my side the entire weekend.”

He didn’t respond, and I propped my head up to gaze at his sweet face. His blue eyes set off dramatically by his dark hair and tanned skin. So gorgeous. “I’m changing my plans.”

“Okay! You know I love all your ideas.” Lucy was already dropping hints about how she wanted mine and Julian’s wedding to be, and I loved every suggestion and theme she floated past me. “Are you ditching the tux? Let me guess. The wardrobe choice is now sexy rock-n-roll.”

I remembered the night of his presentation at the National Athletic Center. I’d tried to go formal, and he’d shown up at my house one hundred percent Sex Pistols.

“Maybe. I never tell Renee how to dress.”

“What?” A spear of ice drove down the center of my torso. I sat up confused, searching his face that was miles away, yet still right in front of me on the screen. Was he joking? And if he was, did he realize how hurtful it was? I tried to laugh. “I don’t understand.”

“Renee’s in town. She’s one of the bridesmaids. I thought she might like to be my date to the wedding.”

Painful flares kept radiating through my stomach. “But… what about me?”

“What about you?”

My eyes were wide as they flew around his face. His expression was closed, giving nothing away. He had withdrawn, and his tone was informational, unemotional.

I managed to speak, even though my throat was closing. “I’m your date.”

“I’m sure you’ll be too busy keeping Jack company to notice.”

“Keeping Jack…” The words died in my dry throat. He knew. “I’m not keeping Jack company. I’m keeping you company.”

“That’s not what I’ve heard.”

“What you’ve heard? What—”

“Save it, Anna.” He flashed then. “I’m up here working my ass off, dealing with all this shit, and I’m believing the one thing I can count on is us. You.”

“And you’re absolutely right! You can count on me!”

“Until he shows up.”

“No! It is not like that!” My voice was raised, and I was gripping the sides of my laptop. “Julian. You’re wrong. I love you.”

“Goodnight, Anna.” The screen went black.

“NO!” I shrieked, gripping my laptop.

I lifted it, but Rachel was somehow in the room, and she caught my hands. “Whoa, don’t throw it! You need this.”

She took the computer out of my hands and placed it safely on my desk, but I slid to the floor as tears poured from my eyes. I kept going until I was lying on my side, knees clutched in my chest.

“Anna? Tell me what happened.” She kneeled beside me, rubbing my back, but I was temporarily paralyzed. My insides throbbed with the pain of his words. He’d found out. Somehow he’d found out before I’d had a chance to explain in person, and now he’d never listen. He thought I was hiding that first night. Two times was too many, and now he was pulling away.

Desperation pulled at my scalp so hard, my temples throbbed. The pressure of my headache made me want to vomit, but I crawled to my feet.

“I’ve got to go to Savannah.” My voice was broken. “Tonight.”

Rachel’s brow pierced. “You’re not going anywhere. Tell me what happened!”

“There’s no time.” Shaking my head, I started moving around the room grabbing clothes. “I have to talk to Julian. I have to make him understand.”

“Anna!” She took the clothes out of my bag as quickly as I put them in. “All of Lucy’s wedding events start in four days. You’ve got to go to class.”

“I don’t care about class. I don’t care about anything…”

“Right now you don’t.” She caught my hand. “Listen to me. Okay, you had a fight. It sounds like a bad one, but you’ll make up. Trust me, you will. You can’t let school suffer in the meantime.”

I blinked up, staring into her face as my insides slowly disintegrated. “I can’t.” Tears were coming again, but she pulled me into a hug.

“Yes, you can. Just be strong a little bit, and we’ll all be together again by the end of the week.”

Anna’s Private Blog: Lucy’s Wedding

Somehow I managed to get through the last few days of class, but I was the walking dead. Everything was a blur of noise and bodies, and I didn’t care about any of it. My stomach was a lead weight, and each passing second ticked the vise of desperation tighter across my chest. Every breath was a silent prayer for Julian to please understand, please listen, please forgive me.

He wouldn’t return my texts or pick up when I Skyped. It was killing me. At night I wore my ring and slept under my portrait, the placeholder one. I hoped that hundreds of miles away, he was looking at the one we shared. I hoped he saw the dragonflies, our hands bound together, and knew the truth—nothing could ever come between us.