Perfect Fit: Book 4 of the Fated Hearts Series (12 page)

“I can imagine,” he said softly. His hand was still rubbing my back and it helped me unwind enough to tell the rest of the story.

“It was really, really hard, but we were making it. Will was the best baby you could imagine.” My voice broke and new tears threatened so I cleared my throat to gather my composure. “He hardly cried or fussed and was ready with a smile every time I looked at him. I adored him from the moment I held him the first time. He was so tiny and I felt this strong feeling of protectiveness come over me.” I couldn’t stop the tears that time and Miller just waited patiently while I worked my way through them.

“He was my little shadow, following me everywhere I went. People asked me if I resented it, but I never did. I wanted to be his protector forever, but I let him down. I was selfish and Will paid the price.”

“What do you mean you were selfish? Wasn’t the fire an accident?” Miller asked me.

“My mom promised me she would stay sober and be a great mom to Will when I left for college. She was so proud of me for getting scholarships to a prestigious school and promised me that I had nothing to worry about. I learned after the fire that she didn’t make it one month after I was gone before she was back to drinking and dating bad men again. One of those fucking losers fell into a drunken stupor with a lit cigarette in his hand, burning down our house and killing everyone inside.” I started imagining a terrified Will screaming for me to save him, but my help never came.

“You’re blaming yourself for going to college and wanting a better life, Jag?”

“I should’ve been home that night, but I was on a Greyhound bus instead. I wanted to spend a few more days with Chase before I went home for the holiday break. If I hadn’t been selfish about spending time away from Chase then I would’ve been home the night of the fire and I could’ve gotten my brother out alive.”

“Or died too,” Miller interjected. “Jag, you may look a little like Bruce Wayne, but you don’t have superhero powers. You have no way of knowing what would’ve happened if you had been home when the fire started.”

“I would’ve run that fucker off before the fire even started. I could’ve transferred schools and lived closer to home and helped my mom out again. I knew how hard she struggled to stay sober, but I wanted to believe she could do it because it made it easier for me to leave. I hadn’t thought of her or Will, not when I went to college and not when I stayed extra days to spend time with Chase.”

“So that’s why you broke up with him so abruptly? Did you blame him a little for what happened?”

“No. Never.” It was the truth. “I never blamed Chase for any of it, just myself. I knew better than to think I deserved a good life. People like me don’t get fairytale endings, Miller. I was mad at the people I knew were to blame – my mom, her boyfriend, and myself.”

“People like you? I don’t understand, Jag.”

“People from the wrong side of the tracks, Bones. You’ve heard all of the phrases and probably used a few of them. Have you ever referred to someone as white trash, gutter rats, or trailer trash? If so, you were describing me.”

“I’ve never said those horrible things and I’m calling bullshit right now.” His voice had taken on a firm note and he pushed at me until I sat up and looked at him. “You are none of those things.” I was about to tell him he had no idea of where I came from, but he stopped me with a press of his lips to mine. I closed my eyes and let the feel of him soothe my battered heart. “I don’t care where you were born and to whom. You,” he held my chin in his hand, “are a brilliant, beautiful man who tries to hide how deeply he cares about people. You’re the kind of guy who can’t just adopt one fluffy kitty and leave her sister behind. What happened to your little brother is tragic and horrible, Jag, but it’s not your fault. You could’ve died too and the thought of you not being here really hurts.”

The intellectual side of me knew he was right, but the brokenhearted teenager still had a lot of control over me and his self-esteem and feelings of self-worth were very low. The lonely adult I had become wanted to cling to Miller’s words, to take them into my heart and hold them dear. I wanted to be worthy and deserving of love.

“Have you ever told Chase about what happened?”

“I’ve only told you, Bones.”

“I think you should tell Chase. I think he deserves to hear the truth and not keep thinking that you just suddenly didn’t want to be with him.” Miller’s voice was still compassionate, but a hint of something else was there too. I just couldn’t name the other emotion.

I cocked my head to the side and studied him, but he gave nothing away. I only saw caring in his eyes, not pity or disgust. “Bones, why would you think it still matters after so long? Have you seen how deliriously happy he is with Gray and the life they’re making with each other? I don’t want to bring a second of sorrow to his life.”

“Jag, can I ask you a really personal question?”

“You are asking me permission after everything I just unloaded on you?” I gave him a disbelieving look and gestured for him to bring it on.

“Are you still in love with Chase?” He grimaced once the question left his mouth and I wondered how long he had been pondering that question.

“No.” That was my short answer, but I saw in his eyes that he needed more from me. “I thought I was in love with him for a very long time. I realized that what I had been feeling was love, but not the passionate kind. I was in love with the memories I had of a happier time in my life. I love him with all my heart, but I am not
in
love with him anymore.” I had maintained eye contact with Miller while I answered his question. I wanted him to hear my words and see the truth of them in my gaze.

“Okay,” he finally said. “I still think you should tell him just so you can have a truly clean slate. It’s obvious he’s not carrying any grudges against you, but it’s very possible that he’s hurt that you won’t confide in him as a friend would. If Gray refused to confide something in me, it would really bother me. Forget about your sexual history and focus on the friendship part.”

“I’m afraid he might blame himself because he asked me to stay a few extra days. I wanted to stay with him and his asking made it easy for me to say yes. He’s a very sensitive person and I don’t want to do anything that will hurt him. Besides, if I make him cry then your bff will kill me and then you’d be forced to settle for second rate sex again, Bones.” I was tired of being sad and talking about sad things.

“It’s your decision and I support you, Jag.” He leaned in and kissed me softly.

We eventually settled in to watch his Indiana Jones birthday marathon. His couch was big enough that we could both lay down. I settled behind Miller and held him tight in my arms while I watched Indy’s adventures play out on the screen while listening to Indy the pug snoring by our feet. It was just what I needed after I cut myself open and bled out all of my pain for Miller to see.

It wasn’t long before my eyes got heavy and I had a hard time staying awake. I knew I should get up and go home, because sleepovers were not part of our agreement. It was the first time I held Miller in my arms out of comfort rather than passion and it felt like pure heaven. I didn’t want to walk away. I turned my brain off and let myself drift to sleep feeling content and at peace for the first time in a very long time.

I HADN’T MEANT
to fall asleep on the couch with Jag because it blurred the lines we established. I was surprised when I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered that I had turned into his arms. My nose was pressed to his throat and his arms held me tightly against his sleeping body so that I wouldn’t fall off the couch. Jag was a natural born protector and it spilled over into his sleep.

I laid there in the dark for several minutes before I realized the room shouldn’t have been dark. The TV should’ve been on with the screen showing the DVD menu options for the movie. At some point, Jag must’ve turned off the TV and decided to stay with me on the couch instead of going home. I wasn’t foolish enough to think the gesture was anything more than Jag needing comfort from me.

Tears burned the back of my eyes and my nose began to sting as I replayed what he had divulged to me. It broke my heart to hear all of the pain he had been carrying inside him for so long. I hated that he felt so alone with no one to share his burdens. I hated even more that he didn’t think he deserved to be loved and that he somehow felt the universe punished him by taking away his little brother because Jag had dared to love and dream. I was truly grateful that he trusted me with his hurts and turned to me in comfort.

I had held my shit together when he was telling his story because I knew that he needed me to be strong for him, but I allowed myself to release my tears and cry for the broken boy he used to be. That wasn’t the man who held me in his arms though. He had moved so far beyond that kid and he just needed to see it for himself. Maybe then he would realize that he was meant to have so much more than a lonely, loveless life.

I debated on waking him up and taking him upstairs to sleep once I gathered my composure and dried my tears. I worried that he would think I was upset that he stayed over and that wasn’t the case at all. He needed me and I was glad that I could be there for him. I decided to take a chance and kissed him awake.

“I’m sorry I fell asleep.” Jag unwrapped his arms around me to stretch his body. “Just give me a few minutes to wake up and I’ll take off.”

“I didn’t wake you up to leave, I woke you up so we could go up to my bed where there’s more room.” My statement was met with silence, but I swore I could hear that hamster in his brain running triple time in its wheel as he struggled to think through my offer. “You’re thinking way too hard, Jag.” I gave him a quick kiss and then climbed off the couch. “You know your way to my bedroom. My offer of a large comfortable bed and warm body stands. If you aren’t comfortable with that then you can stay down here on the couch instead of driving home in the wee hours of the morning with the drunks that just left the bars. No hurt feelings if you want to stay down here, okay?” I patted my leg a few times and Indy jumped down off the couch and followed me upstairs to my bedroom.

I stripped down to my underwear and put Indy on the bed before climbing between the sheets. I laid there in complete silence as I listened to see what Jag decided to do. After several minutes, he was still on the couch and I squelched down the feelings of disappointment before they could take root. I was just about to fall asleep when I heard his tread on the stairs.

I remained silent as he undressed in the darkness of my bedroom. I tried not to giggle when I heard him give Indy a good night scratch and a kiss on the top of his head. I attempted to keep my breathing even as if I was asleep, but the brush of his bare legs against mine ruined my efforts. I kept my eyes shut and laid still even though I wanted to curl into his heat. Luckily for me, I wasn’t the only one who wanted to cuddle because Jag rolled over on his side and curled around my body. I couldn’t resist relaxing into his warm strength and the broken sigh that escaped my mouth gave away just how long I had been holding my breath to see what he’d do once he climbed into my bed.

“Thank you for being here for me, Bones. I think I needed to talk about my past more than I realized; I just needed to find the right person to listen.” Jag pressed a kiss on the back of my neck and let out a pent up breath.

“Anytime, Jag, and I mean that.”

I fell asleep wrapped up in his heat, but woke up alone. I always woke up alone, so it shouldn’t have bothered me. I should’ve been glad that we’d avoided any awkwardness and could just go back to fucking the next time we hooked up. Instead, I missed his heat and the smell of his skin. I pouted like a petulant child because I didn’t get the birthday sex that I had been looking forward to the previous day. Okay, I was more upset about him leaving without a goodbye than I was about missing the sex. For some stupid reason, I woke up wanting things to be different between us. Why, because I was a year older?

I still didn’t believe I could ever settle down with one guy. So what if Jag had been the only one I’d had sex with since we first got together several months ago. That didn’t mean I was falling in love or wanting to settle down with him. I’d just gotten comfortable and I liked it. Ha! There wasn’t anything comfortable about the passion I shared with Jag. I rolled over and punched my pillow in frustration and that was when I discovered the note on the vacant pillow beside me.