Perfect Fit: Book 4 of the Fated Hearts Series (14 page)

It looked like Ben was trying to give Miller a drunken run for his money. I wasn’t sure how they were able to still bowl so competitively considering the amount of beer they consumed, but they didn’t seem to be effected. In fact, the more beer they drank the better they bowled. Under normal circumstances, I would’ve been impressed, but the anger and jealousy that burned through my blood diminished any positive thoughts I felt toward Miller at that moment.

“Come sit by me for a minute, J,” Ava called out from where she had been sitting with Xavier’s sister, Ellie. “Keep me company for a few minutes, will you? Ellie went home because she wasn’t feeling very well and I’m all alone.” I sat down next to Ava as she rubbed her rounded baby bump.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” She was beauty personified and good to her core. She would be a wonderful mother to the bundle of baby joy she had on board.

“Pretty good for the most part. I’m in the final stretch now with only a few months left to go. We have the nursery all set up now and that makes me happy.” Ava cocked her head to the side and studied me through narrowed eyes. “I didn’t invite you to sit down so we could discuss baby stuff though.” She leaned closer and lowered her voice. “How long have you and Miller been sexing each other up?”

“Huh?” My mind began to spin as I thought back to all the times that Miller, Ava, and I were all at the same gathering. There were only a few occasions since Miller and I began having sex with one another and I couldn’t recall a single incident that gave us away.

“It’s the body language you two have when you’re near each other,” Ava replied. “There’s a spark between you when you look into each other’s eyes. I thought maybe it was over because of the way that Miller was hitting on Xavier, but I realized that he’s only doing it to hide how he feels about you. I take it you guys don’t want Chase or Gray to know?”

“
He
doesn’t want them to know; I don’t care who knows.” I confessed a lot to her with just a few words.

“Ah,” Ava said then smiled tenderly at me. “So, it’s finally happened then. You’ve fallen in love.” I could feel the skin on my face pull tight and heat up. I knew I had to be blushing profusely. “If it makes you feel any better at all I think he feels the same way too. I think he’s flirting so hard and drinking so much to fight what he’s feeling.” I turned and looked at Miller as he stood talking to Gray. As if he felt my eyes upon him, he turned and looked at me. I thought I saw a semblance of desire in his eyes, but it was hard to see beyond the glazed drunkenness.

“I don’t think so, Ava.” I turned my attention back to her. “It’s just sex between us and I think it’s run its course.” I took hold of her hand and raised it to my lips for a kiss. “Not everyone finds the perfect person for them like you and Chase did. Some of us aren’t meant for that kind of happiness.”

“Bullshit,” Ava said with a roll of her eyes. “That’s just an excuse people use when they’re scared. You’re going to find your own happiness someday, if not with Miller then with someone else. He’s going to be a really lucky guy too.” I leaned forward and gave her a tender kiss on her forehead. It was nice to know that she was still my champion after all of these years.

“You’re one of a kind, Ava.”

“Right back atcha.”

I felt bad about leaving her when it was my next turn to bowl. I felt Miller’s eyes on me once again when I walked up the steps and got into position to bowl. It was my last frame and I was torn between rolling strikes to help my team win or just throw it down the lane so I could close the door on that night and go home to my cats and bed. I was starting to sound like the crazy cat gay.

Our team won, much to Chase’s delight. Gray had already told Miller he’d drop him off so I knew he had a ride home. Like a coward, I waited until Miller had gone to the restroom to say my goodbyes and leave. It wasn’t like we could’ve had a conversation anyway with everyone around. It felt wrong to drive away without saying goodbye to him, but I didn’t trust myself to keep it together. I was angry and I was hurt. I could have tried to deny I felt those things, but it would’ve been pointless.

The night ended completely different than what I had expected. I thought we’d go to the party and then end up at one our houses for a night of passion. Instead, I climbed into an empty bed and laid awake for a long time pondering the future for Miller and me while Mal and Urs curled into each other and purred as they slept on the pillow next to mine. I was grateful for the comfort my gals gave me, but I would have much preferred for them to be sleeping at my feet so that my extra pillow could be taken up by Miller instead.

It was obvious as fuck that I was going to get hurt when this thing ended between us and I wondered if maybe I should end it on my terms instead of waiting for him to do it for me. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest at just thinking about telling Miller that I wanted to end things. I couldn’t imagine the pain if I actually uttered the words out loud to him. Would he care? Would he miss me and my touch? Would he remember all the laughs we shared and the memories we made outside of the bedroom or was I just another faceless fuck to him?

I guess I would find out when things came to a screeching halt, but it wouldn’t be because I walked away from him. I wanted to take control of the situation to prevent more heartache, but I wasn’t ready to stop making the memories with him. I would cling to the memories once he had moved on and I was alone. I could take them out and remember a time where I felt unburdened by life and carefree. I would remember how the warm sun felt against my skin instead of the constant chill of an overhead cloud. I could remember a passion so consuming that it made me forget about the tragedies of my past. The memories of us would have to be enough, because I knew I wouldn’t have Miller for much longer.

I HAD BOXED
myself into a corner and wasn’t sure how to fight my way out of it. I had told Jag that I didn’t want Gray and Chase to know about our arrangement and because of that I found myself flirting with Xavier like an idiot right in front of Jag. I could feel the tension radiating off of him in waves and I was worried that he misunderstood my flirting as real interest in Xavier. If I hadn’t found myself hooked on Jag, then I would’ve been flirting with Xavier for real because the man was stunning.

Jag had caught me – hook, line, and sinker. I tried to convince myself that it was just lust and it would fade, but I couldn’t even fool myself. I somehow must have kept my true feelings hidden from Jag, because I saw the hurt in his eyes the night of the bachelor bowling party.
Yay me!

I resented the ruse I insisted on playing in front of our mutual friends and had no one to blame, but myself. I hated that I was falling so deep in love with him that I didn’t want to spend a night away from him and he didn’t return those feelings. He tried to warn me that prolonged sex would lead to one of us developing feelings for the other, but I didn’t listen. I was so arrogant to believe that I would never fall in love with another man and want to commit myself to him. Ha! Of all the men I could fall in love with, it had to be the one who wouldn’t love me in return.

I chose to drink away my frustrations and misery, but all I accomplished was pushing Jag further and further away. I knew how he felt about drunkenness and I carelessly shoved his feelings aside in my attempt to self-medicate. I had planned on spending the night at his house after the party, but that was completely out of the question after I got wasted and had to be taken home by Chase and Gray.

Gray lectured me on my behavior like he was my father and not my best friend, while Chase just gave me sympathetic looks. I knew that worry was the reason behind Gray’s gruff demeanor during the ride home. I hadn’t gotten drunk since our early college years and I knew I was going to regret it in the morning.

I drank a crap ton of water, took some ibuprofen, and a long shower once I got home. While I was definitely intoxicated, I wasn’t falling down drunk. I stood beneath the spray and thought about how I wanted to go forward with Jag, if I could. Jag was right. It was no one’s business what we did together. We were consenting adults and if we wanted to hookup and have sex then that was what we would do. We weren’t hurting anyone by being together, so why did I want to keep us a secret?

I was afraid. I insisted on secrecy so that no one would know just how badly I was hurt when we were over. I didn’t want pitying glances because of my broken heart. I didn’t want sympathetic pats on the arm to go with trite advice on how I’d move on in time.

I let the hot water ease the tension in my body as I dropped all my defenses and blinders so I could really evaluate my relationship with Jag. Yes, it had become a relationship and there was no other way to describe it. I wasn’t
falling
in love with him; I was
in
love with him. A goofy smile spread across my face as I let that truth sink in. I was in love for the first time in my life and I was screwing it up royally. The latter part of my thought caused the smile to slip from my face.

The way I saw it I had two options available to me. One, I could keep on pretending that this was just a sexual arrangement and let it run its course and walk away with a broken heart when it was over. Two, I could tell Jag just how I felt about him and see what happened. The worst case scenario would be that he didn’t return my feelings and he would end our relationship. Either way would lead to heartbreak unless he returned my feelings, which I would never know if I didn’t man up and talk to him. I knew in my heart his feelings for me went beyond just sexual, but I wasn’t sure how far. I went to bed with a clear plan in mind to call him up and apologize to him for the way I behaved at the party. I wanted to tell him how I really felt about him and promise that I was done playing games.

Unfortunately, I woke up with a hangover so bad it hurt just to breathe. There was no way I could give him some great speech in hopes that he would be willing to take a chance on us. Luckily for me I didn’t vomit, because I was the world’s biggest baby when that happened. I’d suffer anything over vomiting any day of the week.

I gingerly brushed my teeth to avoid gagging that would lead to retching and went downstairs to make a cup of strong coffee. I had just entered the kitchen when my doorbell rang. My body knew who was on the other side of the door before I even opened it. My hangover had no impact on my ability to sport an erection for the man who played my body like a fine tuned instrument.

The smile slid off of my face when I saw his posture and his expression. Even though he held two coffees and a pastry bag from Adam and Steve’s Bakery, it looked like he had come to my home prepared to battle or maybe to say goodbye. The nausea increased tenfold at the thought of us being over. It was so bad that I nearly clutched my stomach and moaned out loud. He must have seen how badly I was hurting, because the tension in his face softened and he offered a small smile.

“I thought you could use some strong caffeine and some sugar this morning.”

“Or a time machine so I could go back and do last night completely over again.” I stepped aside to let him in. Instead of walking by me, he stopped and gave me the gentlest, sweetest kiss I had ever received. “I feel better already,” I said honestly, not giving a flying fuck if I sounded cheesy. He wouldn’t kiss me like that if he was telling me goodbye. His simple kiss alleviated a large portion of my suffering.