Perfect Fit: Book 4 of the Fated Hearts Series (29 page)

“Of course.” It wasn’t like him to ask me before he offered an opinion, but this was a completely different set of circumstances we were facing.

“You might consider working with a child psychologist who can help you work through things like where the kids should live and through their different stages of grief.” Jag paused to gauge my reaction and continued when he didn’t see discouragement in my expression. In all honesty, it was the best suggestion I had heard about handling the kids – and I had received many opinions on the matter. “We work with several psychologists through our law practice and I’ve learned that they have a lot of ways to help determine what kids are going through and offer suggestions to ease the turmoil within. I’ve learned that kids go through the different stages of grief like adults, but they process it differently. Sometimes they internalize things more and other times they act out on their emotions. I’ve heard so many people tell you what you should be doing these last few days. They mean well, Bones, but unless they’ve been in this exact situation then it’s just a lot of hot air. What Lucas and Lily need right now is love, patience, and comfort which you’ve provided in spades.”

I expelled a breath of relief as I realized I wasn’t alone. Jag had been right there with me as we comforted the confused and heartbroken children. Not only did I have Jag, but all of our friends too. Chase, Xavier, and Liam brought us food every night since we got home. Ava and Gram were the ones who packed up the kids’ clothes and toys and brought them to my house. Gray, Ben, and Jack took turns playing or coloring with them when I needed to handle funeral arrangements or just needed a free moment to take a breath. Then there was Jag, my constant, loving shadow. As heartbroken as I was, I was still aware of the amazing people and awesome love surrounding me. Darryl and Destiny would be pleased to know that Lucas and Lily would have such a wonderful, extended family.

“One of us needs to learn how to cook,” I said randomly. “Chase, Xavier, and Liam aren’t going to feed us forever. Destiny will haunt my ass if I try to feed her babies takeout until they go to college.” I pictured the scowl she wore on her face when she used to discuss my eating habits and couldn’t hold back the laughter. Then I wished she could make fun of me just one more time and my laughter changed to tears again. My laugh had sounded foreign to my ears, as if I had expected the grief to totally consume every part of my personality. My tears felt like an old comfortable friend by that point and I allowed them to flow.

“Liam wants to be a chef so maybe he can give us some basic lessons so we won’t starve or be forced to exist on pizza rolls or chicken patties.” Jag’s suggestion warmed my heart and helped me focus on doing something positive versus just wallow in my sadness. I accepted that there would be many phases of grief that I’d experience in the days, weeks, and months to come, but it made me feel better if I could find solutions and not just discover more problems. Snippets of conversations I had overheard from Destiny’s parents came to the forefront of my mind. “I think I’m going to have a whole other set of problems that may require your services.”

“Destiny’s parents.” Of course, he knew who I meant. “You’re worried they’ll sue for custody of the kids.” Jag pulled me closer, as if he could shield me from the possibility.

“Be honest with me, Jag. Do they stand a chance?” I held my breath while I waited for his answer.

“Based on what grounds?” I expelled my breath in relief. Jag ran his hand on my face in a tender gesture, but I saw the shrewd, brilliant legal mind shining in his dark eyes. “Darryl and Destiny chose you to be the legal guardian of their children. They were of sound mind when they made the decision. You have the means to provide for them and more importantly the desire to do so.”

“I think this is coming from a place of grief and guilt more than a true desire to raise Lucas and Lily.” It felt so good to be able to admit my feelings out loud. “Destiny was never close to her parents and they’ve never really taken an active role in the kids’ lives. It seems like Destiny and Darryl chose to celebrate holidays and occasions with our family rather than hers.”

“What about the sister?” I could see the legal wheels turning as he thought about all the people involved.

“Vanessa and Destiny were very close, even though there was a fifteen-year age gap between them. She’s a great girl and super smart like her sister. She’s in med school at Johns Hopkins and will start residency after she graduates this summer. She supported me as the choice for guardian when Lucas was born six years ago and I just don’t see her changing her mind.”

“Do you think she’d be supportive enough to support you in court, if needed? I know it’s not something we want to think about, but going to court and having a judge decide custody is the worst case scenario.” He dropped a kiss on my lips before saying, “You asked for my legal opinion and I’m just looking at the whole picture. I’m not trying to scare you, Bones. I don’t think they’ll win if this goes to court. They’d have to prove that you’re unfit or that they’re better fit to raise Lucas and Lily. There isn’t anything unfit about you and you are the best choice for the kids. I could see a judge granting them grandparents rights for visitation so you might want to let that sink in and process.” Jag took a deep breath and I could tell he was pondering whether or not he should share the rest of his thoughts.

“Say what you’re thinking, Jag. Don’t hold back on me now.”

“Are they going to make an issue of your sexuality? Have they ever given any indication or have you had the feeling that they’ll make an issue of a gay man raising their grandchildren? I’m just trying to cover all of our bases, Bones.”

“They’ve never said or behaved in a manner that makes me think that, but I’ve been around them more the last two days than I have the last fifteen years that Darryl and Destiny were married.” I blew out a frustrated breath as once again my mind became overwhelmed with so many thoughts and feelings. “I guess we’ll just have to be patient and see what happens.”

“I’ll do anything you want me to, except stay away from you. I’m not going anywhere, Bones. I love you.”

I loved hearing his words of commitment, but the look in his eyes was what penetrated through my tumultuous feelings. “I’m sorry that we haven’t…” Jag pressed his hand over my mouth to prevent me from talking.

“Don’t.” Jag closed his eyes and shook his head. I saw worry in his eyes once he reopened them. “I am sorry if I’ve given you the impression that you are nothing more than sex to me.” His voice broke and he cleared his throat before he spoke again. “It was so much more from the very first kiss and we both know it. You breathed life into me with your kiss and I knew I was irrevocably changed.” He gave me a sweet smile before he continued. “We made jokes about love, we had fun with our puzzles and games, but the truth is that I meant every sappy word and gesture I wrote or spoke. The truth is that I’ve always felt like one of those oddly-shaped puzzle pieces that never fit no matter how you turned it or how hard you pushed it. I just didn’t fit. Then I met you and I knew that you were the piece I had been missing all along. You’re my perfect fit. Don’t you dare apologize for not feeling like having sex when your universe has been turned upside down on it axis and your heart is broken. Don’t think for even a second that I won’t wait patiently for you to be ready, because I will. There is no sexual encounter with a stranger that would ever be worth losing you.”

“Jag.” I hadn’t realized I was crying again until he was wiping my tears. “At least they’re happy tears this time.” I gave him a watery smile before I kissed his firm lips. “You’re my perfect fit, too. I didn’t even know I was missing anything until you came into my life.” I burrowed my head beneath his chin and closed my eyes as exhaustion from my emotional roller coaster set in. I felt a lot better after talking my worries over with Jag.

“We’ll get through this together, Bones. I won’t let you down.” Those were the last words I heard before I drifted off to sleep.

I LEARNED A
lot about myself and Miller – individually and as a couple- in the days following the tragic loss of Darryl and Destiny. I discovered that I was able to put Miller’s needs before my own and give him the love and support he needed. I realized that Miller was the most beautiful person ever put on this earth and I was beyond lucky to have him in my life. I recognized that there was nothing that we couldn’t handle and there were no limits as to what I would do for him.

It sounded ridiculous to say that someone was beautiful in their grief, but it was true. Miller handled himself with poise and dignity as he arranged both the funerals and moved his niece and nephew into his home. He accepted the help that was offered to him from our friends with grace instead of falling on foolish pride. He allowed himself to mourn in the privacy of our bedroom where I held him each night as he released everything he had kept buried inside him that day. I couldn’t give him back Darryl and Destiny, but I could be his safe place to let go and grieve openly.

I was afraid that I was smothering him in my attempts to help out, but he assured me that wasn’t the case with a few simple words. “I need you.” He said the words out loud, but even if he hadn’t, I would’ve recognized the look in his eyes. I tried my best to be everything that Miller, Lucas, and Lily needed even if I wasn’t sure what I was doing half of the time.

The day of the funeral was frigid and gray to match the somber mood of those gathered to say their final farewell to Darryl and Destiny. Ava stayed with Lucas and Lily at Miller’s parent’s house, because it was decided that they were too young to understand what was going on and it could be a very traumatic experience for them. Every decision that Miller and I made going forward would put their needs first. Sometimes I was scared as hell that I wouldn’t be enough and would fail them, but then Lucas or Lily would reach for me for comfort and I’d forget to be scared.

“I struggled with what to say today,” Miller said as he stood at the podium in the front of the funeral home. He cleared his throat as he gathered himself before he continued. I sent him vibes of strength so he could get through the eulogy. His eyes met mine briefly as if he felt them. “I just can’t seem to find the words to properly express the sorrow I feel over losing my brother and his amazing wife. All of you are feeling their loss just as deeply so those words aren’t needed. Instead, I want to talk about the people that they were and the ways they impacted my life.” There wasn’t a dry eye in the room as Miller spoke so eloquently about the love he had for Darryl and Destiny. He added lighthearted stories that also made the crowd laugh. “As painful as it is that we lost them both, I know my brother would not have wanted to live in a world without Destiny and I’m certain that she felt the same way. I’ll spend every day remembering the love that they shared, the joy that they brought into my life, and I will raise Lucas and Lily in a way that will make them proud.”

Miller reached for my hand when he returned to the seat beside mine. He held himself together for the rest of the service, but wasn’t able to hold back his grief during the graveside service. It was the worst day of his life and I wished I could do something to take away his pain. All I could do was hold on to him and hope that he took some comfort from my presence.

Everyone gathered at his parents’ house after we left the cemetery. Lucas and Lily rushed to us the minute we entered the door. They may not have understood what was happening that day, but they definitely felt the somberness of the occasion.

“I missed you, Uncle Jag,” Lily said as she tucked her head beneath my chin. Her little arms were wrapped around my neck, which matched the vice-like grip they both had on my heart.

“I missed you too, Buttercup.”

I had noticed the last few days that both Lucas and Lily showed signs of anxiety when Miller and I left them for the shortest period of time. Miller had decided to contact one of the psychologists that my firm worked with, because he wanted to make sure he was doing his best by them. My eyes met Miller’s and I knew that he’d be making the call first thing in the morning.