Random Acts of Senseless Violence (15 page)

There was something I couldn't figure out Anne. ‘Why did you start talking to me?' I asked Iz. ‘What do you mean?' she asked. I didn't know what to say because what I meant was why did she start talking to me when I was so different, she could have just ignored me or beat me up or anything but she didn't. But I didn't know how to say that without making her think I meant something else. ‘I don't know' I said. ‘You looked okay that's all' Iz said. ‘Do Jude and Weezie like me too?' ‘Jude thinks so Weezie I don't know I don't even know if Weezie likes me. Weezie's Weezie that's all' Iz said. ‘We be Death Angels that's the name of our crew. We all got names for our crews up here, there's the Renegades and the Amsterdam Cheeseburgers and the Bad Boys and all of them.' ‘Do I get to join the Death Angels?' I asked. She laughed and I think she was laughing at me this time but it wasn't bad all the same. ‘We talk to you don't we?' Iz asked.

When we got to the McDonald's at 125th she said she was going to walk east and meet Jude and Weezie. ‘You want to come up and see where I live before you go?' I asked. ‘Sometime' Iz said. ‘Remember what I tell you about Weezie. She no private school girl. Stay on her good side, everthing be all right. And don't ever get on Jude's bad side.' ‘Why?' I asked. ‘Cause you won't know that's where you be till it too late' Iz said.

Iz left and I went home. Anne it's so strange that people are so crazy. Weezie acted funny but didn't seem psycho. It didn't seem like she could really go post office and kill somebody but I guess she could. I'm glad Iz told me but now I'm scared I might say something and not even know what I've said and get cut with a knife for it. I'm glad Iz likes me even if I'm not sure of Jude and Weezie. I don't know if I want to be a Death Angel but maybe I do.

On local TV tonight they didn't say anything about the riots right up the street. They interviewed a radio guy who said the homeless should be killed and the newswoman said really killed? and the radio guy said really killed. Then it showed the dog show. On the national news they talked about containing disturbances and they showed machine guns in front of the Capitol and the White House. There's probably a lot going on that they're not saying anything about. I didn't say anything to Mama or Boob about how there was a riot going on just uptown because it would just get them all tizzied. Daddy didn't get home until almost ten tonight. He said that it took an hour for the cashiers to get the drawers balanced because they kept giggling and losing count. Then he had to walk home because the buses weren't running and the subway broke down because of problems they weren't explaining. He was worn out and went right to bed. Just like I predicted Anne I don't think he's getting any writing done at all.

Boob shivers in bed like she's cold. School tomorrow. I wonder if anyone I know will talk to me this week. Lori will be back to school on Thursday. I think she gets back home on Wednesday. I can't wait. Maybe she can straighten everybody out once she hears what happened. She's my best friend and I miss her so much.

APRIL
14

Daddy's day off was today and he was glad as can be. Mister Mossbacher screamed and worse than that at him
last night. What happened was during the evening rush somebody paid with a hundred dollar bill that was a counterfeit. All the managers are supposed to look carefully at the big bills to make sure they're real. Daddy must have missed this one. So Mister Mossbacher took a hundred dollars out of Daddy's paycheck to make up the difference and screamed at him. Mama said he made Daddy sit in a chair and then he called him idiot over and over again in front of the cashiers.

It's a good thing Daddy paid as much of the taxes as he could before now because this means we'll fall behind in this week's payment to the bill collector. Mama was furious and said she was going to call Mister Mossbacher and tell him he was keeping her children from eating. Daddy wouldn't let her because he said it might get him fired and Mister Mossbacher wouldn't care anyway. He said he'd make sure we didn't go hungry if it came to that.

Do you want to know what's typical Anne? Mister Mossbacher might have screamed and shouted and told Daddy what an awful worker he was but that didn't keep him from telling Daddy he was going to have to work on Friday too this week. He won't get overtime though because since he's getting paid a hundred dollars less this week it starts from that somehow and that way he doesn't work overtime.

I
hate Mister Mossbacher.

Lori comes back tomorrow! I'm going to call tomorrow night to talk to her. I'll let you know what she says.

APRIL
16

Anne I didn't write you know yesterday to tell you what Lori said when I called her because when I called no one answered or called back even after I left messages on their machine. Today she came back to school. When I walked into Math class this morning there she was sitting in the second row from the front which was much closer to the teacher than she ever sat before. She looked the same as she
did before she left except she was thinner and she had this smile on her face like she was posing for the photographer except there wasn't one. Class was starting so I didn't get to talk to her until after.

When the bell rang she walked out without waiting to talk to anyone. I caught up with her in the hall where she was talking to a teacher whose name I forget. ‘Lori it's wonderful that you're back' I said. She looked at me like we hadn't been introduced and then turned around and walked down the hall. ‘What's the matter Lori' I said but she acted like she didn't hear me. Nancy Featheringstone who wasn't a friend of mine but who still talks to me said ‘That's part of the program.' ‘What do you mean?' ‘She's been rewired' Nancy said. ‘That's silly' I said and I ran after her. She was already in her French class when I found her.

‘Lori why won't you talk to me?' I said standing right in front of her. She just stared straight ahead smiling. I grabbed her shoulder and shook it but she still acted like I wasn't there. Tanya came over and said hello to Lori but not to me and Lori said hello but nothing else. The warning bell rang and so I said ‘I'll talk to you later Lori' and ran. My next class was upstairs. The second bell went off before I could get there and when I opened the door everyone was already sitting down and I knew I was in trouble.

Miss Dieterle was mad and told me to go to the office and get a late slip even though I was only a minute late. When I got to the office they made me sit there for fifteen minutes before they gave me one. Miss Cooper came out and said ‘Lola you're certainly not behaving as we're used to having you behave lately.' It's the first time I've been late to class in over a year but that didn't seem to make any difference. By the time I went to class I was almost a half hour late since I had to get a late permission slip. On the way back I wondered why I was even bothering, since no one would talk to me once I got there and I was being treated like I was dysfunctional or a challenged child or something. The
doors don't lock on the inside and I figured I could have just walked out but I'd have really gotten in trouble then so I didn't.

Katherine and Icky Betsy and Tanya all had lunch together and ignored me of course when I said hello. Ever since they stopped talking to me I've been sitting by myself at lunch since nobody seems to want to sit with me that I want to sit with. Every day at school anymore just seems like a trial Anne I get so mad and lonely. I thought it would all be different again once Lori got back but I guess it's not going to be. After school I saw Lori again outside getting ready to leave. I ran over to her and stood in front of her and said ‘Why won't you talk to me anymore we were best friends.' Some of the other girls were standing around and laughing. Lori kept smiling that zombie smile like she was deadhead. She took a card out of her little purse and handed it to me before walking off. I was yelling Lori Lori after her but she kept walking down 84th Street like she didn't hear anything, like I wasn't even there. I didn't think I would Anne but I started crying like a little baby. Boob wasn't outside yet of course and I had to wait for her. Everybody walking by was laughing and pointing at me like I was some goon. I wanted to stop crying but I couldn't. I've never felt so awful in my life Anne. They're all so stuck up, all of them.

Boob finally showed up and she must have thought I looked scary or something because she didn't say anything. She didn't look like she felt real good herself so we were both quiet. We walked up to 86th to catch the bus which took hours to show up of course. While we were waiting for it I looked at the card Lori gave me. The logo of Kure-A-Kid where they zombiefied her was at the top with the phone number. The only other thing it said on the card was from the Bible, we shall not die but we shall all be changed.

So I'm just miserable Anne and I'm so mad but there's too many people to be mad at. Sometimes I think I'm going
to go post office like everybody else. Oh well. At least I'm making new friends in my new neighborhood. Iz at least.

APRIL
17

Friday!

It just keeps getting worse and worse at school. Today Miss Wisegarver asked me why I'd stopped dressing up for class and wearing jeans and khakis instead. I told her we'd had to cut back on our dry cleaning which is the truth. She shook her head and said that anyone who really cared about how they looked could always find the money for dry cleaning if they really wanted to. Last night we had baloney sandwiches with one slice of baloney only because that was all that was left over and she's saying we should use more money for dry cleaning. I didn't say anything though, just that I'd tell my parents what she said. When I told Mama she shook her head but she laughed and said ‘Oh my angel it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you learn what sort of things are they teaching you in school?'

Miss Wisegarver also told me that she was very disappointed in my grades lately. The only test I've taken in her class since the midterms I've gotten a B plus on so she's right and I don't like it but it's impossible to study when Boob keeps telling me to turn out the light like she's doing right now. Excuse me Anne while I go to the kitchen and write. Mama does her proofreading in there because the light's better but she's gone to bed.

Okay now I'm in the kitchen and can continue writing. Anyway Anne it's just an awful mess. I'm so unhappy at school. One of those girls wrote
DYKE
on my locker with a pen I can't rub off and now every time I go to my locker I see it. They're all looking at me whenever I walk by and I know they're all laughing behind my back because they do it so often to my face. When Katherine sees me walking down the hall she'll turn around and go the other way
because she wants to avoid running into me so bad. She must have told everybody I raped her or something the way they've all been acting but sometimes I think it's something else. It couldn't be just because we had to move up here but maybe so, I've heard them talk about public school girls like Iz before and it's always like they were just deadhead trash. Maybe that's what they think I am now.

This evening I tried to talk to Mama or actually Mama tried to talk to me. She'd taken Placidyls to calm herself down, she's run out of Xanax and I think her doctor doesn't want to give her any more. It's a good thing Daddy's Guild plan still covers us or she'd have to go to the Pit to buy her drugs. ‘My angel what's the matter why don't you tell me' she asked when I said I was sick of school. ‘Lots of things' I said. ‘But what sweetie tell me' ‘Lori' I said because that's what really bothers me the most. ‘You mean the way she's not talking to you? I told you honey they do peculiar things to people who have to go to those places they've probably been having her play with her inner child and who knows what nonsense' Mama said. ‘It's like she's not even there when I talk to her' I said. ‘You mean you talk to her and she just stares at you?' Mama asked. Like you do sometimes I almost said but didn't. ‘What do your other friends say sweetie?' Mama asked.

‘Nothing' I said. I've never told her about what happened with Katherine or the way the other girls are acting toward me now. It's weird but I'm scared she'd call me Dyke too though I know that's ridiculous. ‘They're acting weird that's all' I said. ‘Sweetie they're probably as puzzled as you by her odd behavior' Mama said. ‘I wish we lived at home again' I said. I hadn't meant to say it but I did anyway. ‘Oh my angel I know this is all so hard on you and sweet Boobie but it won't be forever it won't' Mama said. ‘I think it will' I said. She shut her eyes for a second and I thought she was going to sleep. ‘It won't' she said. ‘It won't it won't it won't oh no.' She said it enough that she seemed to finally convince herself and then she didn't say anything
else. Neither she nor Daddy have gone to their shrinks since we moved. The way they act sometimes I think they should.

That was about all there was to say so we stopped talking. Daddy of course is working his extra day today. He got his paycheck with the hundred dollars taken out of it yesterday so the next week will be tough. I guess we'll have to cut back on the dry cleaning some more. I went into our room and started writing even though Boob was already in bed. This past week Boob has been going to bed earlier and earlier like she was a baby who needed to sleep more. Even so she doesn't sleep any more than she did before she just lies there awake under the covers. By the time she gets to sleep it's usually after I've gone to sleep and then she kicks me all night in her dreams. In the morning when she wakes up she sits there rocking back and forth with her My L'il Fetus in her arms without saying anything before she finally gets up. I ask her what's the matter and she won't tell me.