Random Acts of Senseless Violence (18 page)

I went home. Mama was lying down on her bed. She'd been working on manuscripts but must have gotten tired and stopped. When I saw her I stood by the bed and listened to her breathe to make sure she was all right. Boob was lying down too. ‘What's the matter Boob?' I asked. She was sucking her thumb and holding her My L'il Fetus and looked like a little baby except she was so big. I sat in the kitchen and wrote you and now I'm finished for today.

APRIL
20

Nothing worth mentioning happened at school today. I'll be so glad when the term is over and it's summer. Daddy was at work of course by the time we got home.

* * *

APRIL
21

I'm really worried about Boob Anne. She's tuned out completely. She doesn't say anything when we're going to school and doesn't say anything on the way home and hardly talks at all once we get here. Boob used to talk me to death but now I wish she'd say anything, it's scary the way she clams. I asked Mama but all Mama said was ‘My angel your sweet sister I think is just overwhelmed she's so sensitive to changes she's like a barometer.' That's true but it's scary all the same. When Boob was sitting on the sofa watching TV with us I kept asking her if the cat had her tongue and making faces to try to get her riled but she didn't do anything, it was like I wasn't there. Sometimes I think I'm turning invisible Anne.

APRIL
22

Maybe I ask for it sometimes Anne but I woke up this morning so mad thinking about the way all my so-called friends at school have been acting and treating me. I lay in bed for an hour before I got up this morning just stewing in my own juices and listening to Boob snoring. Once I hit her so she'd roll over and she didn't so I hit her again. She whimpered and then I got mad at myself for hitting her and I finally got up.

When I got dressed I called Katherine's house. I wanted to slam her, I'll be honest. Her mother answered the phone and I didn't say who I was, I just asked if Katherine was there. She must have recognized my voice though because when she said she'd go get her I could hear them talking in the background for a long time but I couldn't tell what they were saying.

Finally Katherine came to the phone and the first thing she said was ‘What do you want?' like I was dogshit or something. ‘What did you tell everybody?' I asked her. ‘I didn't tell them anything' Katherine said. ‘Then why are they acting like they are?' ‘It's your problem if they figured
it out themselves' she said. ‘Figured what out?' ‘The way you are.' ‘What way am I?' ‘I don't have to say it.' ‘Yes you do if you're going to lie tell me what you're lying' I said. ‘I'm not lying' Katherine said. ‘You're telling people I'm queer aren't you?' ‘No I'm not I never did' she said. ‘Well somebody is.' ‘You're just guilty because you know it's true.' ‘It is not why are you telling people I am?' ‘I'm not I told them you weren't' Katherine said. ‘Who told them I was?' I asked.

She didn't say anything and I asked her again. ‘Daddy saw us kissing in the hall' she said whispering so I could hardly hear her. ‘Why was he spying on us?' I asked. ‘Look he saw it I said we weren't queers and he said he knew I wasn't.' ‘So he told everybody at school?' ‘No' she said and then she clammed again. ‘Who'd he tell then?' ‘He's friends with Tanya's dad they play racketball at the health club he told him to tell Tanya so she'd be careful. He's talking about putting me in a mixed school next year so I'll be safe and I don't want to leave Brearley' Katherine said. ‘So Tanya's dad told Tanya and Tanya told everybody?' ‘Yes that's what happened and I'm sorry' Katherine said. ‘Why won't you talk to me then?' I asked. ‘Because then people will think we're both queer I can't talk to you' she said. ‘You're no friend' I said. ‘I'm sorry' Katherine said. ‘And your dad shouldn't have been spying on me in the bathroom either which I know he was' I said. ‘No he wasn't' she said. ‘He was that's why I was leaving so early because I thought he'd spy on me more.' ‘He wasn't.' ‘Does he spy on you when you go to the bathroom?' I asked her. Oh Anne I'm sure he does. Katherine started crying and I said ‘Don't cry talk to me' but she hung up the phone. I almost called her back but didn't. But I sat there for a half hour in case she called me back. She didn't.

If Katherine's telling the truth and I'm sure she is there wasn't any reason her father should have told Tanya's father I was queer. He doesn't know he just thinks that because he saw us kissing not that he had any right to look.
I wouldn't have kissed Katherine except she kept asking. I wonder if Tanya's father told everyone's parents about me. All the girls must think that at least they've got their minds made up about it. The girls at other schools all think Brearley is the queer school. It isn't though it might as well be in my case. Anne I don't know what's happening to my life. Everything seemed fine just months ago and now it's all falling.

Iz just called me so I'm going to go out and meet her. Public school is closed too. I don't know what we'll do but I'll let you know what happened. Bye for now.

Hello Anne I'm back even though it's not late. Iz and I had a good time though we didn't do anything. I'm in a much better mood now than I was this morning and I'm sure you're glad. I met Iz at McD's. They had a buy one get one free deal on Big Macs so we had a good lunch. Iz was so pretty today Anne she was wearing a black dress and black patent leather shoes and a black band around her dreadlocks so they hung down her back. She was so dressed I felt like a bag lady, I was wearing my jeans and an old shirt like always when I don't have to go to school.

I asked her why she was all spiffed. There was a special memorial service at her church for the dead President and her mother made her go to it with her. As soon as it was over Iz called me from the church and ran right down. ‘No reason remembering him' Iz said. ‘Never done nothing for black folk never.' ‘What did they say at the memorial?' ‘Preacher gassin up like he do ever Sunday going on about chickens homing where they roost' Iz said. ‘Was everyone sad?' I asked. ‘No more'n usual' Iz said. ‘Do you have to go back home right away?' I asked. She shook her head and said ‘Little while but not yet.' ‘Have you seen Jude?' ‘I holler up to her place when I pass but she either snoozing or out. Not dressed for crawling so I didn't investigate. Mama she stay after church to wail some more and then eat something with the ladies. I ran girl I ran.' ‘What are the
soldiers doing?' I asked. ‘Greenasses be toesteppin light. Locked their loads once they got they shootin orders. They spec nasty doings and if they don't get them I spec they give them' Iz said.

After we ate we walked down Broadway. Columbia and Barnard were also closed it looked like, we didn't see any students. There was a banner hanging across the front of Barnard saying
PAY THE ARMY AND SEND THEM HOME
. All the stores were closed further down. It was funny watching Iz walk so dressed up. She held her head up so high she looked at clouds the whole way. ‘Why doesn't Jude get along with her parents?' I asked. ‘Jude doesn't get along with just everybody' Iz said. ‘Did they throw her out of the house?' ‘Mutual tossup.' ‘She said she had brothers and sisters but they were gone' I said. ‘Jude had three brothers. Two oldest joined the 43rd, now they stuck warrin out on Long Island. They probably dead. Bodega owner in the Bronx shot Frederick last year when he tried boosting. Sister Gloria cracked up in March, she gone' Iz said. ‘That's so sad' I said. Iz nodded.

We walked over on 106th Street to Riverside Drive, then we walked back up. No one was on the street but homeless people. Nobody was driving and buses went by only every fifteen minutes or so. It was quieter than Christmas and creepola Anne like everyone but us were dead. Probably they were in church or watching TV but that's how it seemed, all abandoned and all ours. Before now I always liked being around people like you always are in New York but lately I didn't and in a weird way I wished it was empty like that all the time.

‘You ever go in Riverside Park?' I asked. ‘No ho. Jungle-land over there' Iz said. ‘You mean there's animals like wild dogs?' I asked. On TV last week they told how a little boy was eaten by wild dogs in the Bronx and all that was left was his head. It was the sort of thing that was so gross Boob would have laughed herself sick about it but when she saw it she just sighed. ‘Animals like the Naturals' Iz said. ‘What
are Naturals?' I asked. ‘Marginals gone wilding. Live on the railroad tracks run under Riverside Park. They nightcraw-lers. Go butt naked even in wintertime' Iz said. ‘No Iz, truth me' I said thinking she was exaggerating. ‘Truthing plain' she said and the way she said it made me believe her. ‘They tie leaves round they private zones. Paint like savages like with Army camouflage. Make spears from tree limbs. You be footing solo long here come nighttime, they be ghostin round till you blind, then they grab you and fade black in the bush.' ‘What do they do to the people they catch?' ‘Whatever they want' Iz said. ‘When they done playin with the bodies they toss them riverways. Bad evil-ness Lola I tell you. Not even Weezie go in Riverside Park and she go everwhere.' ‘Everywhere?' ‘Ever
WHERE
' Iz said. ‘Are they the scariest gang?' ‘Naturals a loose gang, no bones to em. Scariest real gangs be the DCons.' ‘Where do they hang?' I asked. ‘Subway. D train mostly that's not why they called that. They an old gang' Iz said. ‘DCon like the roach motels?' ‘They cityroaches there no denying that. The DCons the worst there is. They A one terrorists' Iz said. ‘What are they like? What do they do?' I asked. Iz shook her head. ‘You don't nightcrawl. You won't see em. Pretend you never heard of em' Iz said.

I was disappointed because I wanted to know more about the DCons but Iz wouldn't say anything else about them. I looked over at Riverside Park but it was quiet over there and I didn't see any Naturals. Probably they were why all of those police were over there a while ago.

‘Does Weezie hate me a lot?' I asked. ‘Weezie hate everybody a lot' Iz said. ‘Why?' ‘Cause she can't read people like she claim. New people scare her white. Then once she get scared enough she come bladin. That's why we tell you to foot careful round Weezie, she's crazed.' ‘Jude told me Weezie hates queers' I said wanting to see what Iz's reaction was. I wondered if she hated queers too. ‘Yeah she hate everybody' Iz said. ‘But why?' ‘Why not?' Iz said. ‘Some people just like that. I'm not, Jude neither.' She
looked at me and laughed. ‘What?' I asked. ‘No it's just you're so out a water up here. Goldfish out a the jar' Iz said. ‘What do you mean?' ‘You're not street, that's all. Me neither but you got to know what's curb and what's cars' Iz said.

We walked over to Broadway when we reached 120th Street. There was a big fire in front of Grant's Tomb with people standing around. It must have been a demo since no one needed to keep warm today. ‘You said when you first saw me you talked to me because I looked okay. What'd you mean?' I asked. ‘Mean you looked good' Iz said. ‘How do you mean looked good?' I asked her. ‘Like you was friendly. Like you didn't belong. Jude and me we pick up strays when they look like they need pickin up' Iz said.

‘Was Esther a stray?' I asked. ‘Esther my cousin' said Iz. ‘How did she get pregnant?' I asked. ‘Usual way I magine' Iz said. ‘I mean who' I said. ‘Think somebody raped her but she shamed to say. No need pressin it what's done's done' Iz said. ‘What do her parents say?' ‘Nada' Iz said. ‘No father round and her mama had Esther when she was fourteen so what's she gonna say, you shoulda waited to next year?' ‘When's Esther going to have the baby?' ‘Couple months Jude thinks. Esther, she don't know how long she been pregnant' Iz said.

We were almost to our apartment when I said ‘What do you mean I looked good?' Iz shrugged and said ‘Pretty that's all.' She didn't say anything else and I wondered if she meant she thought I was pretty or if she thought I was pretty like she wanted to kiss me. The more I think about the way she and Jude were acting on Sunday the more I wonder if they've been queer together sometimes. If that's so then I wondered if that's why she first started talking to me and why they seem to like me hanging with them, that there's a way they can tell if I'm queer. Probably not because if they were Weezie wouldn't want to hang with them but maybe Weezie doesn't know. I didn't say anything else because I didn't want Iz to think I was queer if she's not.

‘Would you like to come meet my mother and sister?' I asked when we reached my apartment. ‘You look so pretty today you always do I mean' I said and I worried about saying that but Iz just smiled. ‘Okay but then I got to run' she said. We went upstairs and I introduced her to Mama who shook her hand. ‘Oh angel is this one of your new friends in our new neighborhood oh Isabella it's such a pleasure and honor to meet you' Mama said. ‘Iz's ok' Iz said. ‘Sweeties thank you for giving me such a welcome break from the mournfest can I fix you glasses of milk or something?' ‘Yes please' I said. ‘I can't drink milk but thank you anyway' Iz said. ‘Oh darling why not it's so good for young bones' Mama said. ‘I'm lactose intolerant' Iz said. Mama smiled and said ‘Well some juice or something our home is yours too for any of Lola's sweet friends.' ‘No ma'am thanks kindly but I be rolling' Iz said. I told her I'd need to stay in tomorrow to get some studying done but I'd see her on Saturday. Iz said we'd go out with Jude and maybe Weezie she thought it was time I came along with them when they went downtown.

They were going on on TV about security and bomb threats that proved to be false. ‘Is lactose intolerance a black thing sweetie?' Mama asked me but I didn't know. ‘Your friend seems very pleasant darling is she a lot older than you?' ‘We're the same age' I told Mama but I don't know if she believed me.