Room 103 02 - Thrilling Heaven (22 page)

Bulk, Jax and Zoe found me four days later; high, pissed
and filthy in a house full of smelly people and some dirty windows. Through all
my internal dialogues over the previous few days, my ramblings had been mainly
about the disgusting grimy windows and I had chastised anybody who had bothered
to listen to me.

I was broken. Split in two then smashed to smithereens,
slowly, brutally and horrifically agonizingly. My soul had buggered off, my
spirit had slapped me in the face as it taunted me and my heart was dust that
had drifted out through my nostrils in every exhale I had managed.

There was nothing left apart from a husk, nothing
internal apart from a pair of lungs that wouldn’t stop taking damn breaths.

‘Just keep breathing’ some random hippy had said to me,
‘you don’t need to be alive but just keep fucking breathing, sweetheart.’

How true was that statement!

I wasn’t alive, far from it. I was dead; deceased and
departed from the world and I was currently enjoying my new emotional freedom.

That was until Zoe slapped me hard around the face and Bulk
dragged me backwards through the house and into his car.

***

I was trembling so hard and I couldn’t seem to get warm,
no matter how many blankets Zoe huddled me up in as we watched, well I say
watched it was more stared at really, a documentary on the upcoming extinction
of polar bears.

“You hungry?” she asked softly as she rubbed her hands up
and down my arms in an effort to warm my skin. I didn’t have the energy to tell
her I was frozen from the inside.

I shook my head, answering her without words as I kept my
gaze on the TV screen as two polar bears decided to have a humping session. Ethan
would love this.

A knock sounded on the door but it opened without
invitation as E walked in with Lily and Bruce.

Bruce bounded over to me and jumped into my lap before
his tongue wiggled in my ear. “Give her a song, Brucey” E said and Bruce’s lips
puckered as he rolled out a tune in the only way Bruce could.

I smiled faintly at him as I rewarded him with a scratch
behind his ear.

He was an ugly dog, a black and tan cocker spaniel that
sported one eye and half of an ear was missing but he was such a happy and
pleasant thing. I couldn’t help comparing his wounds to Ethan’s, but I supposed
a dog wasn’t bothered what he looked like as long as somebody loved him.

Hell, I loved Ethan, why couldn’t he accept that? Why did
he
care what he looked like? It was everybody else that had to look at
him, not himself, and if we didn’t have a problem with how he looked, why
should he?

But then the blame and guilt rushed through my head. It
wasn’t his looks that he hated me for; it was the fact that I was to blame for
his beating. It was the fact that Jake had got away with it, for his horrific
attack on the man that I loved and it was the element that if I hadn’t bounded
back into his life, his brother would still be alive, Ethan would still be
fucking faceless randoms happily and his heart and spirit would still be
intact.

Jake and his friends had run after what they did. The
police had caught two of the gang but Jake had managed to escape and nobody had
seen or heard from him since.

Luckily Ethan had managed to escape suspicion on Kyle’s
murder because he had been in Germany at the time and also because I had told
the police that Kyle had built up a bad rep by sleeping with everybody’s wives
and daughters, which hadn’t been a lie.

I frowned at my thoughts and glanced at E. She narrowed
her eyes on me, her suspicious personality making her aware that I wanted
something.

“Can you get me in with Sal?”

She shook her head but smiled at me mischievously, “If
it’s for what I think it’s for, it’s already been dealt with.”

“Oh.”

She winked as she plonked herself down beside me and
wiggled a grumbling Lily on her knee.

“Who sorted it?”

“I did. Well my dad actually… who knew.”

I should have known really, she loved my man almost as
much as I did. I nodded and smiled at the thought of Jake getting what he
deserved.

“How is he?” I asked quietly without looking at her.

She pursed her lips and sighed. “As self-destructive as
you are. In fact all this is damn stupid. Christ, look at the pair of you.”

“He doesn’t want me, E. What the hell am I supposed to
do?”

“Of course he wants you, but you’re both as bloody
obstinate as the other. All you do is get fucking high and drunk. All he ever
does is sit in his room, singing bloody
Run
whilst he plays his damn guitar,
over and fucking over. It’s driving me nuts, even though he sounds
really
good. Didn’t realise he had such a good voice, even with a damaged voice box” she
finished with a look of reverence.

“What?” I stuttered as I stood up sharply, much to
Bruce’s displeasure.

He was playing our song. He still loved me.

Oh my god, he still loved me. He still bloody loved me.

She gave me a small frown as my old damaged heart swept
up all the dust and rearranged the pieces, suddenly forming a new one; a new
pumping, thumping strong one. A heart that was as determined as my soul that it
wanted its mate back, the other half that kept it alive.

“Where is he? Yours or his?”

“Mine” she said with a knowing grin.

I nodded, picked up my keys and made my way to sort out
my man.

Once and for all.

***

     “Where is he?” I asked a
stunned Jax when he opened the door to my relentless beating.

He moved aside, gestured up the stairs with a sweep of
his hand and smiled widely at me with a ‘go for it’ wink.

I nodded firmly, my anger and my determination preventing
me from actually speaking as I flung myself up the stairs and followed the
sound of the sad song that was filtering through the air.

He looked up sharply as I flung the door open but his
eyes narrowed on me to hide his guilty look of playing our song.

“Don’t you dare!” I warned him as he stood up and made a
move towards the door. He frowned at me but still held his stern expression.
“Don’t push me away, Ethan.”

He scoffed loudly, “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t
you be getting high and screwing some random somewhere?”

“Jealous?”

He snorted lightly through his nose as he shook his head
but I noticed he nibbled his lower lip before he screwed up his face and stared
at me, “Do what you want Jen, what you do has nothing to do with me anymore.”

“Would you listen to yourself? You bitter bastard.”

“Bitter?
Bitter?”
he fumed as his eyes fired angrily
at me, “look at me, Jen. Fucking look at
this
…” he snarled as he flicked
a hand over his face.

“It’s you, Ethan. Just the same as always, it’s just
you.”

His eyebrows hit his hairline, “This isn’t me. It’s… this
is fucking hideous.”

I took a heaving breath and stared into him, “Do you
blame me, Ethan? Is that what you’re mad at me for, for dragging you into my
pitiful life and… and screwing you up? Is that what you want, for me to say I’m
sorry?”

I took a step closer to him my anger forcing me forward,
“You want me to say sorry for everything shit in your life. Well, yeah, Ethan.
I am fucking sorry, I’m sorry with everything I am for what I’ve done to you,
okay?”

His expression was full of confusion as he stared at me.
“What the hell? I’m not mad at you, I… I just don’t want…”

His fists clenched in anger as he squeezed his eyes shut,
as though the stance would protect his heart from what he needed to say.

“Say it!” I ordered softly, knowing every single thought
that was rearing its ugly head in his own battered head. “SAY IT!”

He jolted and I smiled inwardly at the fury on his face.
Anger and ire was better than nothing, than numbness and resignation.

“FUCKING – SAY – IT!”    

He practically growled at me when I pushed my hands into
his chest, my own anger feeding my courage. “You’re…”

I nodded angrily at him, “Come on…”

“You deserve…” he clenched his fists angrily, the words
refusing to surface as his lip disappeared behind his teeth in his frustration.

“I deserve better?” I finished for him, knowing he
wouldn’t say it and we wouldn’t get anywhere.

“Yes,” he choked out as he turned away from me. “Why
would someone like you want… this?”

I laughed, loudly and bitterly. “You really don’t know me
do you?”

He spun round, hurt and astonishment radiating potently
off him. “I know you’re sweet, you’re beautiful, you’re tender, you’re funny, you’re
bright and smart and you’re so damn sexy that I want to make love to you a
million times like I promised all those years ago, Jen but now… now why the
hell would you want those things with me? Eh? I’m fucking ugly, messed up so
fucking much, scarred to the extent that I hardly have any original skin left
and I…”

I nodded again, urging him to finish.

“I hurt, Jen, okay, I fucking hurt everywhere. Every
single fucking inch of me is bitter, twisted and fucking resentful of
everything.” He sighed and ran his hands over his face in vexation, his whole
body humming with distress. “Okay, you got what you wanted from me, now go.”

He turned and faced the window, his shoulders now sagged
in defeat as his fists unclenched and slumped by his sides.

“You wanna know why I always call you beautiful, Ethan?”
I stood behind him watching the slow rise and fall of his shoulders as he
sucked in huge quantities of air whilst he fought to control his rage.

“Yes, you’re handsome and good looking but it’s the pure
love in your heart that’s beautiful. It’s so fucking beautiful, it’s blinding.”

His head dropped as he faced the floor and I closed my
eyes, praying with all my heart that my words penetrated his thick skull. A
skull so thick it had saved his life.

“It wraps around me, it comforts me when I’m sad, it
makes me smile when you tell me you love me, it makes my own heart beat just by
looking at you. And it makes my soul whole, Ethan. You’re beautiful heart is
what keeps me alive, and to me you will always be that beautiful boy that told
me he loved me when I had reached the lowest point in my life. You will always
be the boy who lifted me up and put me back together and I will always think
you’re handsome. And right now all I wanna do… all I wanna do is strip you down
to nothing and make love to so damn hard that I feel like I won’t be able to
breathe until you’re inside me, loving me like only you can, because it’s not
how you look, it’s how you make me feel that makes me hot for you. It’s how
your hands worship me, how your mouth idolises me and how you,
you
make
me feel so damn good that turns me on. So yeah, you’re still damn sexy and I
still fancy the bloody pants off ya’.”

He didn’t turn, he didn’t move; he just remained silent
and unmoving and I sighed in resignation.

He’d given up. I could feel it in the air of the room and
as a tear dribbled down my cheek, I closed the door behind me and whispered,
“by the way…”

4 WEEKS LATER

     
“You know how he feels about
you, Zo. He just…”

“Ah, ah, ah, we are here to have a good time. No talk of
men. Unless it’s to flirt obscenely with tonight.” She winked and I rolled my
eyes at her.

“I don’t think so, treacle. I don’t want anyone else.”

“Lighten up, Jen. Relax and enjoy yourself. There’s no
harm in flirting.” She grinned at me cheekily and hoisted her chin towards a
couple of guys looking in our direction, “Now those two look like trouble.”

“Trouble?”

“The kind of trouble that means – hot, naked and sweaty
trouble.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at her interpretation of what
‘trouble’ meant but my humour dropped when the men approached us. “Ladies, may
we?” the tall dark, tanned guy asked as he pointed to the spare seats at our
booth but kept his eyes trained on me.

“Not at all” Zoe smiled her sensual smile and budged up
to make room for the sleek blonde Adonis that reminded me of a Greek god I’d
read about in school. The other guy perched himself next to me.

“Hal” he introduced with a killer bright white smile and
a huge out-stretched hand.

“Jen” I smiled back shyly and took his hand. He lifted it
to his mouth at once and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles. I noticed Zoe’s
eyebrow lift at me but I chose to ignore it.

“It’s really busy tonight” I murmured to make some kind
of conversation. I hadn’t done the chat up thing for years and it made me
nervous to be doing it again.

He nodded with a soft smile, “Yeah, there’s supposed to
some sort of band playing. I think they’re setting up already.”

“Ah.” I shot a look past him to see who it was and smiled
when I saw
River Ink
preparing their set on a small stage at the end of
the room. They had done a few support acts for Room 103 as I had followed them
over the years, privately of course. If Kyle had ever found out my monitoring
of the group… well.

I shot a glance at Hal; his stare on me was making me a
little nervous. “You come here often?” I asked nervously.

He smiled with humour and I groaned, “God, I’m sorry. I
haven’t done this for a while.”

He laughed, “It’s fine. You been out of the game for a
while then?” He lifted his bottle to his lips and my gaze dropped to his adam’s
apple bobbing rapidly. It was one of those that were really prominent and its
dance entranced me.

“A while.”

He nodded and I noticed his eyes did a swift perusal over
me, “So, Jen. Let’s get rid of some of those nerves. How about a quick rapid
fire?”

My eyebrows lifted at his forwardness but he laughed me
off. “Relax, nothing too personal, it just helps ease into conversation,
especially if you’re nervous.”

“Okay” I shrugged hesitantly.

I did wonder what the hell he was still doing sat next to
me, and why he hadn’t run from the club screaming yet, but I’d play. I had no
idea what the rules of flirting were anymore. In fact I had never had to flirt
with anyone, what with Kyle chasing me at school then Ethan, I had never done
this and I realised how hard it would be to get back in the scene again.
If
I
wanted to get back into it.

He shuffled to get himself comfy as he gave me what I can
only describe as a crafty grin, “Favourite drink?”

Oh, okay, this was easy.

“After coffee it’s gotta be Bud.”

He nodded and gestured for me to go, “Uhh, favourite
music?”

He wobbled his head a little in deliberation, “Well, I
like allsorts really. Love blues and jazz but I can kick back at rock too. What
about you?”

“Rock definitely but rather embarrassingly, I have a
thing for
Bananarama
, but we won’t discuss that.”

He laughed loudly and I flushed a little with my own
smirk. “You’re really pretty when you blush.”

I swallowed at his words and grimaced. “Sorry, sugar. I
didn’t mean to embarrass you” he said quickly.

I shook my head and gave him an apologetic smile, “I’m
just not really used to this, sorry.”

“How long…”

We both looked up as a waitress approached and placed a
bucket of champagne on our table.

“Ooh” Zoe exclaimed excitedly.

“Courtesy of…” she made little finger quotes and said, “…‘Superman’
at the bar.”

My stomach lurched as she turned and pointed to Ethan sat
on a barstool smiling with what I presumed was a ‘see told you, you were a
whore’ expression.

“What the hell…” Zoe gasped.

I looked down at my lap, to hide my shame or anger I
wasn’t sure which, but I heard Hal snort from beside me. “What’s up with Quasi?”

Wow!

“Excuse me?” I asked so quietly I wasn’t sure if he had
heard me until he turned and gave me a small smirk.

“Superman? Yeah, right, more like Quasimodo. Does he
seriously think he can send champagne to women and they’ll jump on him? Look at
him, Christ, who would?”

I could see Zoe’s wide eyes on me as she noticed the boil
of my blood and the rise of my temper.

“I would, arsehole” I hissed in his ear.

His face shot to mine in confusion. “You wanna know why…”
it was my turn for the air quotes now, “… ‘Quasimodo’ looks like that? He looks
like that because he saved my life and got beaten to a fucking pulp for doing
it.”

I poked him hard in his firm chest and I was secretly
respectful of how solid it really was. “That man over there is more fucking
beautiful than you will ever be, slimeball. He’s more desirable than you will
ever be, with your bleached teeth, your phoney orange tan and probably your
small dick. So go chat up another woman, a woman who doesn’t give a shit that
you’re a small minded, sycophantic twat.”

With that I grabbed my bag and pushed past him as I
turned to Zoe, “I’m going home, treacle. You stay with Hansel and Gretel. I’ll
phone you later.”

I stormed through the club, my head trying to grasp the
fact that there were still some narrow-minded people about. I mean, where did
he just come from, nursery?

“Jesus Christ” I hissed under my breath, frantically
trying to calm myself down as I smiled gratefully to a door security guy who
had the wisdom to open the door for me before I ploughed through it like a
cartoon character.

“Fucking Shit” I now hissed to myself when I discovered
no waiting taxis.

“You want me to call you one?” the doorman asked as he
noticed my glance up and down the street.

“Nah, thank you though. The walk will calm me down” I
replied without even turning to look at him as I set off down the road,
grumbling under my breath and calling Hal all the names that I could think of
that would make me smile.

My phone trilled a message and I pulled it out angrily as
though it was to blame for my mood.

Zoe:

Where are you? Why didn’t you wait for me? Xxx

Me:

I’m good. Need a walk. I’ll see you tomorrow, treacle.
Xxx

Zoe:

Jesus Christ, Jen. You shouldn’t walk alone this time
of night!!! Xxx

Me:

The mood I’m in, the chuffing hulk would be stupid to
pick a fight with me! Xxx

Zoe:

Babe, I’m so pissed at you right now. Promise me
you’ll ring me when your home? Xxx

I frowned when I heard a footstep falter behind me as I
replied to Zoe. I reached in my bag hunting for something, anything and finding
nothing I grit my teeth, breathed past the frantic beat of my heart and spun
round with my fists up.

“Come on… - Ethan?” I practically passed out when I saw
him studying my fists with a humorous expression.

“Gonna take me on, Jen?”

Everything, every single emotion right then turned into
anger and I ploughed into him with all my rage. “You stupid twat…” I ground out
as I punched his chest repeatedly.

“Hey, hey…” he soothed as he grabbed my fists.

“You… you…” I broke down, all the adrenaline and fear
turning me into a blubbering mess, “I thought… I thought…”

My hiccups and distress stole my words as Ethan huddled
me into him. His hand stroked my hair rhythmically as I sobbed into his chest;
his firm, solid, wonderful chest.

Oh God!

I coughed slightly and pulled back. “Don’t ever do that
again, Ethan. I thought…”

“You thought I was Jake?” he finished for me with a lift
of his brow.

I glanced at the floor and pulled in a breath.

“Jen?”

“It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t sneak up on people.”

He barked out a laugh. “I wasn’t sneaking on you. I was
making sure you got home safe, you stupid woman. Don’t ever, ever walk home
alone again!”

“Stupid? Stupid? Jesus Christ Ethan, do you even…
Arghhhh. Why are you always so bloody maddening?”

His lip tilted at the edge and I swallowed back the
flutter in my heart and the throb in my belly at the familiarity of it. He
always stole my heart with his boyish grin and even if he looked different now,
it hadn’t done anything to dampen my desire for him. He was still bloody
stunning.

I swallowed heavily on that thought as my eyes raked over
the magnificence of Ethan Hart. God, he was utter perfection. Stood before me
in his customary knee length combat shorts that hugged his magnificent arse, a
simple grey t-shirt that skimmed across the solid muscles of his chest and his
strong arms that I knew could hold onto me in the most violent moments of my
passion.

“It’s those super powers, baby” he whispered as he took a
step into me, “make every woman hot for me, ya’ know.” He placed a finger under
my chin and tilted my head back.

Oh, Goddd.

I was struggling to breathe so I just nodded, not caring
that he had caught me ogling him.

His eyes found mine and I frowned at the anguish in them.
“Why are you doing this to us, Ethan? I love you. I want you, hell if I were
any wetter we’d be in the fucking ocean. I need you, Ethan. I need you to
breathe, I need you to live. I’m so bloody… broken without you.”

His eyes closed as he traced the tip of my nose with his.
“Please…” I choked out, my pride and dignity thrown in the gutter. I needed
him, it was that simple.

“Jen…” he choked out the whisper and I whimpered as his
lips brushed so gently over mine.

“Please” I repeated with my own whisper as I lifted my
hands to his beautiful face and palmed his cheeks.

His eyes flicked over every part of my face and I let him
read all the love I held for him, let him see all the need inside me and let
him find the truth.

“Oh, shit, Jen… I can’t do this to you. I can’t ruin your
life like mine is. I want so much more for you than… than this.”

“No, Ethan. Please… I love you, all of you, all your good
bits and all your bad bits.” I didn’t care that I was begging. My life and soul
were now slipping down the drain with my pride and dignity. “Please…”

He rolled his lips, sucking them in behind his teeth as
he shook his head. “I won’t let you do this, Jen. You are beautiful and I’m
just… ugly. Fucking ugly as fuck and you… you… I heard what you said to that
guy, I don’t want that for you, having to defend me, Jen. It’s… it’s just,
wrong.”

“Damn you!” I now shouted at him. “My stomach is too
round, my hips are too wide, my teeth are crooked, my nose is twisted and my
arse, well, we won’t even discuss the size of that thing.”

He opened his mouth to speak but I quietened him with two
fingers on his lips. “One of my toes is larger than the one next to it; my hair
gets greasy after two days of not washing it, my thumb clicks when I pinch it
with my forefinger. I’m broken and ugly too, Ethan. But you don’t see that, you
see
me
and I see you Ethan, all of you, every inch of you and it’s all
fucking perfect.”

I dropped to my knees before him, on the pavement by the
roadside as I stared up at him, my eyes pleading and my heart begging.

His eyes widened as he stared down at me, “Jen, what are
you doing?”

“You know what Ethan, I’m not gonna accept it. Not from
you. After thirteen years of wanting you, you finally make it possible for us,
but now you’re pushing me away. Well, no,
NO
. I don’t care about what
you look like, you know why? Because I’m proud of how you look, damn proud
because you wear the scars of a warrior, baby. A man who stood up for his woman
and risked his own life to make sure she was safe. I know why you took them on,
Ethan. I’m not as stupid as you think. Thought if they were at you then they’d
leave me alone? Yeah?”

He looked away from me, his face hiding the truth but I
knew. I had known as soon as he had pushed me back what he was going to do.

“But now, after you did that for me, you’re telling me
you don’t want me. Bullshit, utter bullshit. Well, I’m not proud; I’ll beg,
I’ll grovel, I don’t care. All I care about is you… and me. I want this, Ethan.
I want you, how you are and how you come.”

I shuffled further towards him, still on my knees, the
gravel and dirt digging through my stockings and tearing the flesh on my knees.
“Marry me.”

His gasp was loud in the quiet of the night but it was
the look in his eyes that was deafening. It was like a light had been switched
on somewhere and he was back. His twinkle, the sparkle that made him Ethan,
shone through. His utter happiness reflected back and the beat of his heart
pulsed in his irises.

“Jen?” his soft voice seemed ethereal, like it was
floating around us as he dropped to his knees before me and cupped my cheeks.