Scarred Hearts (Blackrock) (42 page)
We drive up the hill in silence with the heating on full, I want to scream out and hit him, ask him why? How could he do this to me if he loves me? But I don't, some part if my brain has shut down making me numb. As we pull into my drive he stops the truck leaving it running. Neither of us speaks for a few minutes we just sit there staring at the lake "I better go, thanks for taking me home. You didn't have to" I say opening the door, he grabs my hand looking at me knowing he wants to explain but I don't want to hear it tonight. I take my hand away swinging my legs out, Knox jumps out coming around my side he takes me by the waist lifting me down from the truck. I look into his eyes seeing my misery reflected in his "Goodnight" I put my hand over his heart then walk away not looking back. "You look wonderful tonight, Bailey" Knox calls after me.
Knox
Saturday night at the bar is a little slower than usual; we have the same people singing the same songs even Gemma sings, "Call me maybe" again. Thankfully Lindsey is a no show so is Bailey, Max told me earlier she has a date, some charity ball. I can't think who she would be going with she only knows us and Paige who is sitting at the end of the bar looking as unhappy as me. She has no drinking buddy because of me, Max is fed up seeing her sad so he goes over to talk with her. I don't want to hear them so I turn my back to them, I feel the cold wind hit me as the door opens, some guy in a tux walks in followed by Bailey, who looks stunning. My heart skips a beat seeing her but also breaks a little seeing the dude she is with then behind her I see a small tiny thing in a ball gown as well, the other chick takes the guys hand as they enter and my heart flips.
Shit I thought she moved on already, I watch her walk straight over to Paige who smiles like its Christmas when she sees Bailey. Man she is beautiful Max is hugging her. Why the fuck is he touching my girl, I see her nod at him then he makes them drinks. She looks like a million dollars I have to be near her, going to collect some empties I touch her arm and I feel her tense up so I let go. Some asshole gets up to sing announcing some shit about a hot chick at the bar; I follow his gaze as he locks on Bailey. He starts singing to her, No fucking way is he singing that song to my girl. I take her to the dance floor letting him know she is mine, I want to talk to her so badly but I don't want to ruin the dance because she really does look wonderful tonight.
I tell her I want to explain but will wait until she is ready, I hope she wants to talk to me. She asks for time which is all I have now, I hear her cough and I know its her crying cough I heard it so many times before but now I am the cause of it and it kills me to know I am hurting her. She tells me I smashed her heart and I nearly loose my shit right there, pulling her close is the only way I can hold on until the moron ruining the songs stops singing.
He tells me I am lucky to have Bailey, at least he got the message. I walk her back to the bar but don't want to leave I squeeze her hand but she doesn't squeeze back so I let her go walking into the back kitchen, I loose it. Max walks in watching me "Hey at least she didn't hit you, that's a good sign" he says, I laugh drying my face with some paper towels "Yeah but I wish she would, god knows I deserve it" Max sits down "Knox, I hate to say it but yeah you do so give her time, she loves you that's why it hurts" clapping me on the back he walks back out to the bar.
I don't want to stand around watching her like a freak, picking up a case of beer I bring it out with me. I look through the beads before walking out seeing her with Paige; at least she is still here. I start on the beer when I look up she is gone, standing up I don't see her anywhere maybe her and Paige are in the restroom but then Paige walks in the door. She tells Max that Bailey needs a ride home, I grab her wrist "Let me take her Paige" she looks at Max then back at me. I let go of her then she nods "Ok but if I hear tomorrow that you hurt her again I will call my brother to come kick your ass" I nod running out of the bar.
It's freezing out here, I see her shivering so I put my arm around her. It feels so good to touch her she agrees to let me bring her home. My heart beats a litter faster knowing I will have fifteen minutes alone with her, as we reach the back corner she stumbles refusing to turn the corner. Jesus Christ I am a fucking dick, why did I bring her around this way. I get the truck as fast as I can helping her into it the dress is beautiful I just wish I could have been the one she wore it for tonight. Driving up the hill is torture, I am giving her every opportunity to scream and shout at me and I will gladly accept it if it means she will still be mine, she hasn't said otherwise but I want to hear her say we are still together. Arriving at her house is worse, I know she will be leaving me now and I don't know when I will see her again.
She thanks me then tells me I didn't have to bring her home; I almost loose it but keep my mouth shut. There is no way I would let her find her own way home even if we break up I will happily be her chauffeur. I jump out of the truck knowing she can't jump down in that dress I lift her by the hips, she feels lighter that she did just last week. I watch her walk away not looking at me, I don't want her go I want her to run back into my arms and tell me she loves me still but she doesn't. As she reaches her door I want to say I love you but all I can manage is "you look wonderful tonight".
She steps into the house leaving me out in the cold, wishing I were in there holding her. Healing the smashed heart I caused, climbing into the truck I head back to the bar. As I reach the road I look in the rearview mirror seeing her walking across to the lake knowing she will be drinking her pain away. I want to turn around to make her hit me but she asked for time and if I want her back I need to give it to her, still looking in my rear view mirror "Just don't take too long darlin because I miss you".
One week later I am packed and ready to go to Richmond. Terry and Cassidy have texted me today reminding me I am meeting them tonight at the bar. Which means seeing Knox, I have successfully avoided him all week, well I only went to my forensic computer class on Monday then ditched the rest of the week. It was Thanksgiving yesterday so there was no classes from then until next Monday, My dad and I decided to buck tradition and grill some burgers yesterday. Even though it was freezing we had a good day grilling and having a few drinks.
Tonight he is out for dinner with some friends so I am alone, not wanting to go to the bar but I did promise so I should go. I wear my jeans and a pink sweater I stole from Summer last year, It makes me smile but also a little sad. I need to cover my blotchy face; it is in a bad way from stress and crying, so I guess I need a full face tonight. Terry sends me a message at eight thirty saying they are at the bar, I let him know I am on my way deciding to call Paige, "Hey Paige, are you going to the bar?' I ask when she answers "Don't know why" I sigh "I am meeting Terry and Cassidy, I told them last week I would meet them tonight because I fly out tomorrow" I hear Paige slamming doors "Damn Bailey, I forgot you are leaving tomorrow, I will be there in twenty" I say goodbye hanging up. At least I will have her with me.
I make sure to arrive after nine so I know Knox will be on stage, I find Terry in a booth in front of the stage by the dance floor, Great I say to myself. Sliding in opposite him and Cassidy "Hi Bailey" they say I smile at them, it's not their fault Knox hurt me so I try to get into the spirit of the evening "Hey guys, are we doing shots" I ask looking at the drink menu. I catch Paige standing at the bar so I text her,
Me: Hey sexy, why U standing over there alone?
I see her look confused the scan the bar for me, She knows I never sit here so she doesn't even look this way, I laugh as I watch her text me back.
Paige: Where are you?
Me: Look up baby!!
She looks up again so I wave my phone at her, when she sees me she laughs walking over. "Oh my gosh Bailey your mean!" I just laugh as she slides in beside me giving her a hug. "Where is Lucy tonight?" I ask looking around, Paige points to a group of guys by the bar and I see Lucy flirting "She will be there all night" I groan. Terry offers to get the drinks and when he is gone Cassidy looks at me "Is that your boyfriend singing?" I look over out of habit more than anything, I know his voice so I already know its him "Yeah" she smiles at me "He is hot and he can sing, wow you are lucky" Paige and I exchange looks "Yeah I am" I say smiling back at Cassidy.
Terry brings back a try of drinks "Hey you get a job here?" I tease him "I don't know, the waitress just handed me the tray and walked away" Paige and I crane our necks to see Lucy practically dry humping one of the guys, man she has no shame. We all slam our shots then Cassidy asks us to dance, I really don't want to but Paige pulls me out of the booth, we dance for a few songs when the group of guys at the bar join us, They tell us they are Marines on weekend leave. We dance with them having fun Until Knox starts singing "Your body is a wonderland" I glance at him knowing he has been watching me, trying to sit down one of the Marines grabs me and we start to dance "Hey your beautiful y'know" I just smile, whispering to him "Thanks but I am not looking to hook up" I look at him and he shrugs leaning in to my ear "Me neither I have a girl back home, I am just dancing with a beautiful girl in a bar, nothing more" I smile at him while slapping his shoulder playfully "You are some trouble, aren't you?" I say to him but he just throws his head back laughing spinning me around so his back is to Knox and I can see him, his face is like thunder staring at me. I just look at him disappointed, I would never hurt him like that even if we did break up I would not bring a guy in here. When the song is over the Marine Kisses my hand "Thank you for the dance" "Your welcome" I smile at him before he walks back to the bar.
"Holy shit Bailey I thought your man was going to get off the stage and beat that dude with his guitar" Terry says as I sit down. I shrug "He is fine, just moody" Paige chokes on her drink then looks at me smiling. When the band takes a break Paige goes to the bar to hang with Max, I go to the restroom while she is out of my way. I hear someone come in as I open the stall door I see Knox locking the main door "What are you doing, Knox?" he looks at me baling his fists by his side "Are we over Bailey?" he is looking at me with pain in his eyes, I don't know what to say so I wash my hands trying to think "Bailey, tell me"
"No Knox!" I shout at him, he is pissing me off "I don't know, you tell me if we are over. You had your tongue down you're fucking Ex's throat last week. So you tell me if we are done" pacing the restroom I feel like a caged animal, He is looking at me again "Stop looking at me like that, you have no fucking right to look wounded" I try to leave but he blocks my path. "Bailey let me explain, please" "Fine, explain!" I yell at him.
"I told her I hated her and I found someone I love but she played me, she told me to prove to her that I didn't love her by kissing her. I know it sounds stupid but I wanted to show her how much I don't want her in my life. I don't know but I snapped I just wanted her to feel a piece of the rejection I felt, the hurt and pain she put me through" he shakes his head looking at the floor. My head hurts even more now "A revenge kiss, that is what you are saying! A fucking revenge kiss! Knox" I push him out of my way unlocking the door I storm out of there. Making my way across the dance floor I say goodbye to Terry and Cassidy then Paige "Hey I am out I have a flight to catch early" I give her a hug and Max then leave. A revenge kiss, what the fuck, Who even does that? I sit on the curb beside my car trying to calm down. I hear the click of the side door opening and scraping as the keg is dragged over to hold it, I can smell him as he sits down beside me, that forest after the rainstorm scent "I am sorry, I know I fucked up bad. I don't know how to explain to you how I felt in that moment"
I feel angry tears welling in my eyes "Do you love me really? Or are you in love with the idea of loving me?" looking at him I want to see his face I want him to see mine "I love you Bailey, I have never loved anyone the way I love you" his eyes tell me he is being genuine but my heart refuses to listen "Then why Knox, why did you hurt me so much? You know everything I have been through and yet you fuck me up more" he puts his arm around me, tears in his own eyes "I know I did and I am truly sorry darlin. I don't know how to fix us but I want to try, please darlin"
Wiping my eyes I stand up letting his hand hit the ground, opening the door to my car I look down at him "I don't know either Knox, I know I love you but right now I can't trust you with my heart and that is killing me" getting into my car I pull away before I allow myself to jump into his arms and risk everything again. I can see his shoulders shake as he sobs on the side of the road. My own sobs tearing at me as I drive away, causing the rope around my heart to squeeze a little more, this pain is too much, how can love hurt like this? By the time I get home I can barely see mascara is stinging my eyes as the tears continue. They won't stop, I have tried to blank my mind but they just won't stop. I am alone again, maybe Roger was right maybe I do push people away, maybe I should not have given Knox space. Maybe I should have stuck to him like glue; maybe I should just finish it and stop the pain for both of us.
Getting on the plane today was killing me, it's supposed to be a good opportunity but I leave with a heavy heart, Paige wanted to drive me but I needed to be alone. My legs are cramped on this flight, my eyes hurt and my heart is, well its MIA I think. Closing my eyes I try to sleep for the last hour or so but sleep eludes me, the guy beside me is snoring and I can hear it though my headphones. I wish Summer were here because right now I need some of her senseless comments to make me laugh. I miss my best friend and my boyfriend so much Knox really hurt me.
A hurt I thought I would never feel again, he gave me light when I was in darkness but he has taken it back now and the darkness is slowly creeping back in.
Finally my flight lands and the snoring is over. I only brought a carryon so I make my way through the terminal out to the taxis. The driver takes me to my hotel which is across the street from where my class will be, Thankfully something has gone right this week. The room is dull and boring but clean, turning my phone back on I check out the bathroom not too bad. My phone beeps with a text from Paige asking if I arrived safely. I text her back that Ninety Nine percent of me is here but one piece is missing I lay on the bed closing my eyes for a minute. When I open my eyes its dark outside, crap. Checking my watch its eleven at night here so its nine back at home. I see Paige has texted me six more times, rolling on to my stomach I push off the bed. Closing the curtains I put on my pajamas then call Paige.