Second Rate Chances (21 page)

             
Sam looked away, not able to meet her death glare. “Sam,” she said in a menacing tone. “Do you remember?”

             
He nodded instead of verbally answering her as his throat felt suddenly dry.

             
“How long?” She inquired. “And don’t give me some bullshit answer.”

             
Sam licked his lips. “This morning.”

             
“Does Lil know? What am I asking, of course she doesn’t know. If she did, you wouldn’t be here and she’d be like a fucking zombie.” Ellie dried her hands off with a dishtowel, and put one hand on her hip. “God damnit, Sam!” She said her voice low and stern. “When are you going to tell her?”

             
“Tonight?” he said the word in the form of a question, silently asking Ellie if that was the correct answer.

             
“You’re damn right you are. She deserves to know,” she said. She punctuated her words by poking her finger, hard, into his chest.

             
“I know,” Sam said, stressed. “I know that. I plan to tell her everything, Ellie, I swear, but Lil isn’t the only person at stake here. Whether you, Lil or even I like Chloe, I still have to be honest with her.”

             
“And why’s that, Sam? Because the way I see it, you have two options. You tell Lil the truth and vow to spend the rest of your pathetic life making the last three years up to her while calling Chloe and calling the wedding off, or you tell Lil you appreciate her help in the last few weeks, but you’re going through with the wedding. Either way, know this. You hurt her once before and it took her a damn
longtime
for her to recover. I should know, I was there. You’ve been given a second chance with her, Sam. You hurt her again and I can guarantee you there will not be a third. So,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Someone is going to get hurt in all of this. You have to decide whose heart you can live with breaking.”

175

SECOND RATE CHANCES

CHAPTER 25

It was early evening when Lil and Sam returned to the house. It was so easy to begin thinking of it as theirs again when he had been spending so much time there. She wanted to joke with him that he should just move his stuff in but Lil knew that would like asking for trouble. Or in her case, asking for her heart to get broken.

             
Sam was unnaturally quiet on the drive, which caused a thousand and one different scenarios to run through her mind. Did he regret the night they shared, or that morning? Was it too much to ask him to spend Christmas with her, having lunch with Zach and Ellie? Did he hate himself seeing all the pictures on their walls of the countless trips she had taken with the couple? No point in worrying over any of that. What happened, and she wouldn’t change any of it. Well, except for being the third wheel on vacations. It would have been nice to have Sam by her side.

             
They took off their coats once inside and Sam readied a fire. Lil took two mugs down with the intentions of making them each a cup of her grandmother’s homemade hot chocolate. She didn’t get as far as taking out the ingredients when she felt Sam wrap his arms around her waist.

             
“I need to talk to you,” he said, kissing her on the cheek. She turned around, afraid her face would give away the emotions spiraling through her head.

             
“About what?” she asked.

             
He took her by the hand and led her to the living room. He sat on the couch, tugging her hand so that she would follow suite. Lil didn’t like this. She had a bad feeling in her gut that was telling her something was wrong. Judging by the look on Sam’s face, she knew her instinct was right.

             
Lil watched him struggle for words by running his hands through his hair then burying his face in his hands. She wanted desperately to reach out to him, take his hands in hers, and tell him that whatever it was they would get through together.

             
When he finally settled long enough to look at her, his expression was grim. “Lil,” he started but suddenly stopped himself. He took a deep breath, sucking all of the air in the room leaving Lil none. He could have it all. She wasn’t going to be able to breathe until he said whatever had him looking so worried.

             
“I remember,” he said so softly Lil wondered if she had heard him correctly.

             
“You…” He nodded. “Remember? Everything?” He nodded again.

             
Lil sat with her hands in her lap, looking down at the scuffed boots on her feet. Anywhere other than having to see the pitiful look in his eyes. She had feared this moment, knowing it would come eventually. For a moment she thought she was going to be sick. All that food she had devoured earlier was threatening to come back up.

             
What did this mean for them? Was he going to walk away, back to his life? Should Lil let him go? Give him a friendly hug and tell him everything would be okay? She did what was asked of her and she understood that he had to move on?

             
All of those questions were replaced by the sudden anger Lil was feeling. She raised her head and hoped that he could see the daggers being thrown his way in her eyes.

             
“When?” She said through clenched teeth. “When did you remember?”

             
He reached for her hand but she snatched it away before he could touch her. When he touched her she lost all train of thought and right now, she needed a clear, level head to face this.

             
He seemed even more defeated when his eyes grew pleading with her. He needed her touch to ground him, keep himself secure as he spoke. She needed answers and she needed them now.

             
“This morning,” he said. Lil’s eyes grew wide.

             
“Before or after I climbed in your lap and rode you like the prized pony at the horse show?”

             
Her words made him wince. He must have hated the analogy she used but she couldn’t exactly call it what it was. She had made love to him that morning. She had let her body take over and do all the things she knew he loved. Now, she wasn’t sure if love played a part anymore.

             
“Before,” he answered. “But Lil, you have to know…you have to know that I wanted it. I wanted you,” he stressed.

             
Lil stood from the couch and began pacing the length of the room. Sure, she had had sex with Sam the night before, but it was easy for her to get lost in the feeling of him again when she knew he didn’t know how he felt for Chloe. She knew how he felt about her and that was all that mattered.

             
But this morning? This morning was different. He knew good and damn well how he felt about Chloe. He remembered he was about to be a married man, sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Lil shivered. She suddenly felt dirty and used.

             
Sam’s phone decided to ring at that moment, snapping Lil out of her burning a hole through her hardwood floors. She looked at him, noticing his face- the way his eyes widened when he looked at the screen. Lil knew, without seeing the name, who it was.

             
“You should take that,” Lil said. Sam looked at her, a frown lines deepening across his features. “I’m sure she’s going to want to know. That is, if you haven’t already called her to share the wonderful news. Maybe she’s calling to let you know she’s at your condo waiting for you so that you can have an epic reunion.”

             
The words spun out of control as Lil accused him of telling Chloe before he told her the truth.

             
“Lil,” he said, standing to face her. The ringing of his phone silenced. “I swear to you, I haven’t called her. I haven’t told her anything.”

             
Lil closed her eyes and finally took a breath. Everything they had been doing these last few weeks was all in preparation for this moment. He was going to remember, he was going to leave, and Lil was powerless to stop him. When she opened her eyes, it broke her heart to say the words, but she knew, if she had any chance of recovering from losing her heart to him a second time, it was best to say it so they could both begin to move on.

             
“You need to go. You have a fiancée to get back to and a wedding waiting to happen. I helped you; that’s what you wanted. It’s done.”

             
She turned her back on him, unable to watch him walk out of her life. When she heard the door shut, she fell to her knees and cried, feeling the loss of losing Sam a second time and the love that never went away.

179

SECOND RATE CHANCES

CHAPTER 26

Sam was on autopilot as he drove through the Village back toward the City. He didn’t want to go back to his condo; he wanted to be at the cottage with Lil. But if Sam knew one thing about Lil, it was that she needed space. He laughed to himself thinking that’s what ended it all for them to begin with. Him giving her space. This time it would be different. This time, Sam would come back. He’d give her some time to cool off, some time to allow him to prepare for what he needed to do. Then he’d come back. He
would
come back this time around.

Being that it was Christmas and he had already ruined it for one person, going to visit Kane and Abe was out of the question. He wouldn’t burden them with this on today of all days.

             
As he drove through the downtown streets with high rise after high rise on either side of the road, Sam slowed as he turned into the parking garage of his building. He wasn’t sure if Cosmo would be working tonight. People needed time off to spend with their families, not open doors for the rich and spoiled who couldn’t pull the handle themselves. Besides, he wasn’t in the mood to make small talk with anyone.

             
His phone vibrated in his pocket as the waited for the elevator to reach him. He pulled it out and looked at the screen, seeing the missed call from Chloe and a new voice mail. He’d have to talk to her sooner than later, so he hit the button to retrieve her message.

             
“Hey Sam
,” she said.
“I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I don’t know how you’re spending the day, but I hope whatever it is, you’re enjoying yourself. Call me when you get a chance. I’ve missed the sound of your voice.”
She laughed lightly into the receiver.
“Even if you don’t remember me yet, I remember you. I love you, Sam.”

             
Sam hit ‘end’ and took the elevator up to his floor. He shed his jacket, not bothering to hang it up. Instead he threw it down on the decorative chair no one ever sat in.

             
Why did he have this chair if no one used it? He looked around the condo that was furnished, not by him, and wondered why he had agreed to any of it. He hated neutral colors. He liked color in his belongings, vibrancy. He liked things that shined and gave off radiance. That stuff he liked? They made him think of Lil and he instantly felt a pain in his chest.

             
He had hurt her, he knew that. He should have told her sooner, the moment he had woken up. Maybe he was wrong to want the day to be perfect. Maybe he wanted to feel alive again. He was selfish; there was no denying that. But Lil? She hadn’t even given him the chance to explain anything to her. He wanted to tell her everything he remembered from their past. He wanted to make right, all the wrongs he had done.

             
Sam had to face the inevitable. He had to call Chloe and tell her the news. The longer he put it off, the harder it would be.

             
He picked his cell phone up from the coffee table. He sat back on the couch and hit redial, listening to the rings, waiting for her to answer.

             
“Sam,” she breathlessly said when she answered. “I wondered if you would call.”

             
“Merry Christmas,” he said.

             
He could hear the smile in her voice as she said, “Merry Christmas. Did you have a good day?”

             
He wanted to say, yes. I spent it with the greatest woman in the world. But it was also a no, because he had broken her heart, for a second time.

             
Instead he avoided her question and dove right into the reason behind his call. “I remember, Chloe.”

             
The squeal of her delight could probably be heard from three states over. She screamed her excitement into his ear causing him to pull the phone way, where he could still hear her like she was in the same room as him.

             
“Oh, Sam!” she gushed. “That’s the best news ever! When?” she asked. “Was it hearing my voice on your voicemail? Did that trigger your memories?”

             
What could he tell her? No, it was actually this morning after waking up with Lil in my arms. “This morning,” he replied.

             
“Oh,” her voice dropped. “Why didn’t you call...never mind. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you remember. I’m coming home, Sam. I’m coming home and you and I are going to be married.”

             
“Chloe,” he said but it fell on deaf ears.

             
“Oh shit,” she cursed. “I forgot Daddy’s pilot is off today. The earliest I can leave is in the morning. Unless…” he could hear the peck of her manicured nails against a keyboard. “Crap. No flights out tonight, either.”

             
“Chloe,” Sam said again. “It’s okay.” It was more than okay. For the first time he could remember, he was thanking her father for something and meaning it. Sam wanted a night alone to process his next move. What he was going to say, how he was going to move forward.

             
“It’s not okay, Sam!” she cried. “It’s been nearly two and a half weeks since I’ve seen you. I miss you,” her voice dropped. “I want to see you, baby.”

             
Sam ran his hand through his hair, realizing he did it out of frustration. She could have easily stuck around instead of jet setting off.

             
“Chloe, just relax. Get some sleep and fly out tomorrow. I’ll be here at the condo. I’m not going anywhere.”

             
Her exuberance at his confession of waiting for her to arrive caused another squeal. Unfortunately, Sam didn’t mean it the way it sounded. Sam was going to be waiting for her because he wanted answers. He wanted the night alone to formulate everything he needed to ask. As Sam stared at his reflection in the window, all he saw was the type of man he loathed. In one fell swoop he went from a man that everyone loved and laughed with to a man who was taught to only care about what someone’s daddy wanted.

~~~~

Sam didn’t sleep. He couldn’t. Not after having the joy of Lil in his arms. This bed? It wasn’t his. It was something Chloe had chosen. The mattress was too firm and the style too contemporary – the tall headboard with its clean lines and the streamlined look of no footboard. Lil’s bed, their bed, was comfy with all of its pillows and soft, pillow top mattress.  The curved woodwork made it feel homey.

             
Instead of sleeping, he dug through every inch of his home, looking for anything and everything that might let him see a glimpse of the man he once was. He had gone through his closet, the cabinets in his kitchen, even his dresser. Everything he once knew, all the old jeans with holes in them from normal wear and tear – the concert t-shirts he had collected all through college – all of it had been replaced by designer denim that was distressed by a machine and starched button down shirts and ties. It wasn’t until he was searching through the bottom drawer that held his gym shorts, did he find what he realized he had been searching for all along.

             
Tucked in the very back, Sam’s hand ran across a small box. Slowly, afraid that it might disappear once he laid his eyes on it, he pulled it out and stared at the black box, his heart beating ninety to nothing. The hinges creaked as he opened it. He swallowed past a lump in his throat as the diamonds sparkled, reflecting off the light in his bedroom.

             
He
had
bought Lil an engagement ring. The same day he had bought the infinity bracelet for her. He had loved the design; he felt like the meaning signified exactly what their relationship meant. His love, no matter what, would go on and on. And it had.

             
He slipped the ring out of its slit and held it up, turning it around to inspect all sides. It was platinum, he remembered the salesman telling him. The band crisscrossed, like a figure eight, forming the infinity symbol. Inside they were studded with tiny diamonds covering the band in its entirety. The round diamond in the center with a row of smaller diamonds, mimicking those on the band, surrounding it. Sam loved the timeless setting. He had imagined it on her finger when they were old and gray, holding hands as they rocked side by side in their rockers on the porch.

             
Even after the news of the baby and then finding out they had lost their first child, Sam still had every intention of asking Lil to marry him. But she pushed and he didn’t push back. He allowed her to shut the door in his face, turn her back on him and effectively shut him out. When Sam left he told himself he was coming back. He was going to marry her because he loved her more than anything.

             
So why was the ring still in its box? Sam understood now how he and Lil had gotten to that place, but he wasn’t going to let it happen again.

             
No, this time Sam was prepared to fight for her.

~~~~

Sam thought of Lil all the next morning. When he showered, she was at the forefront of his mind. As he dressed, he thought of how she looked when he took off her clothes. He didn’t know how many times he had picked up the phone to call her between last night and this morning, but he always stopped himself. He wanted to hear her voice; he was just afraid of what she’d say.

             
At eleven that morning, Sam was in his kitchen, mixing a protein shake. His nerves knowing Chloe would be on her way had him unable to eat solid foods. Instead, he drank the nutrition he needed. He had run through the list of things he wanted to talk about in his head. By the time their reunion was over with, it could go one of two ways.

             
The door opened, and Sam heard the loud clank of high heels across his bamboo floors. He braced himself by holding on to the counter and counting to five. He got to three before she wrapped her arms around him from behind.

             
He held her hands and turned himself around, holding her far enough back so that she wouldn’t assault his face, leaving traces of her red lipstick behind.

             
It took a moment for her huge grin to slowly turn downward into a frown. She looked at their adjoined hands, kept a space apart, and cocked her head to the side.

             
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Aren’t you happy to see me?”

             
“We need to talk,” Sam said. He took her hand and led her into the living room, depositing her on the couch. He opted to stand with his feet apart and his arms cross over his chest.

             
His finger tapped his chin and he thought of where he should begin.

             
He started with, “Why don’t we go to my dad’s for Christmas?”

             
Chloe gave him an incredulous look. “What do you mean? We go over there. We stop by every year with a bottle of champagne.”

             
Sam shook his head, silently asking her not to patronize him. “We stay for about five minutes. For the past two years we’ve stayed for five minutes,” he stressed by holding up his hand with five fingers at attention.

             
Chloe scoffed. “Sam, we have other things to do. My dad, he throws a huge party on Christmas Eve. Your dad’s party interferes.” She shrugged letting him know just what he had concluded. “We make sure to show our faces and then we leave. Daddy expects us.”

             
“What is it about my family that bothers you?” he asked her. “Is it that my dad isn’t a CEO of some big company? Is it because we don’t live in a penthouse or a sprawling estate?”

             
“Where is this coming from?” she asked, standing from the couch, and closing the distance between her and Sam. “We’re supposed to have a happy reunion. I’ve missed you.” Her voice dropped and she batted her eyes at him. Sam had to fight not to roll his.

             
“Answer the question, Chloe,” he demanded.

             
She huffed her annoyance. “Nothing is
wrong
with your family, Sam. It’s just that they aren’t like us. You and me,” she said motioning between the two of them, “we’re destined for big things. Bigger than Fair Haven can give us. Your dad, he’s nice, he really is, but he isn’t chasing after the big picture.”

             
“He’s a retired plumber for Christ sakes!” Sam yelled. “The big dream for him is enjoying life now. No work, no annoying customers, just him fishing or hunting or going on trips. That’s his big picture.”

             
Sam had to take several calming breaths before he continued. He could feel his blood pressure rising with every word he said.

             
“Chloe?” She looked up at him, her face worried. She had every right to worry about what was going to come out of his mouth next.