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Jeremy’s lips tightened into a thin line as he
debated for a minute. “You swear?”

I nodded, kissing his cheek.

I was honestly shocked that neither of them came
flying up my ass to make sure I didn’t run, but I had no reason to
run now. I guess they believed me. Because no one followed.

Max was already at the door when I walked up to my
building. His head was down, his jacket opened, his hands shoved
inside the front pockets of his Levi’s. When he heard my footsteps
he immediately looked up and smiled. “Hey, there you are. I was
getting worried. How’d it go?”

He stood, and kissed me quickly on the lips. “Better
than I expected. Let’s go inside and I’ll tell you.”

After rehashing everything to Max, he looked at me
sadly. “So, what are you going to do? Are you actually thinking of
going back?”

I moved closer to him to wrap my arm around his
waist. “I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to go, but then
there’s you.” I paused. “There are the girls, the babies I hold,
Giovanni’s boxing classes.”

He stayed silent.

“I don’t know if what we have is going to last, but
I do know that I want you in my life, Max.”

Boxing had become a new passion ever since Shannon
took me months ago. Shannon knew my story and I think that was part
of the reason she dragged me there in the first place. She’d been a
victim of abuse as well. I wanted to be stronger, and not feel weak
for any reason. Part of me wondered if I’d ever go home. If I’d
have to face my dad again I was sure as hell not going back without
knowing I accomplished something. Even if it was as simple as
self-confidence. I spent three hours a week with Giovanni. Trust me
when I say, those were three hours well spent. It gave me the
assurance to walk the streets at night alone, hold my head high at
the club, and most important, the confidence to never let a man
touch me, when I didn’t want to be touched.

His lips touched me briefly. “Me too. I don’t want
you to go, but I don’t want you to hold me responsible for keeping
you away from them. But if you do go, I promise I’ll come out to
visit as much as I can.” I pulled him down with me on my bed,
forgetting our problems, allowing his trail of kisses down my neck
to take me away, even if it was only for five minutes.

And five minutes had been about right. The buzzer
was going off like mad. I could just picture them down there,
pushing and pushing not believing that I was there. “Sorry,” I
said, scooting off the bed. I glanced at the clock; it was barely
eleven. I’d asked for a few measly hours, and all I got was one. I
buzzed them up and could hear their feet pounding on the steps
until they hit my doorstep. I stood there while Max lingered behind
me, tucking in his shirt.

All three of them were out of breath when they
walked past me into my apartment. I heard Luke sigh when he noticed
Max, but he didn’t say anything. It was Jeremy who spoke first.
“So, you had an hour to think, and I see that you’re busy,” Jer
grunted at Max. “But I want to know what you’ve decided.”

Dean smacked Jer on the back of his head and gave
him the stink-eye before stepping in front of me. “What your idiot
brother meant to ask was, have you given any thought as to what you
might want to do?”

“I haven’t really had a chance.” I shifted my eyes
back to Max where he sat on a stool by the small kitchen nook,
pretending to be busy with a magazine.

“Well, Mags.” Luke stepped closer, “we were all
talking on the walk over about what could make it easier. The three
of us have an apartment. You could stay with us for as long as you
need. Jer and I’ll bunk in the same room, so that way, you could
have mine.” Luke said nervously. “If that would work for you, I
mean.” Each word seemed like he was stumbling over the next.

I glanced back to Max who looked nervous, panicked.
Even though I hated leaving New York, my friends, and most
importantly, Max. I knew I owed Jeremy and Luke time lost. I
couldn’t hurt them anymore, and truthfully, I needed them back in
my life too. It was time. Neither one deserved any of it, and I had
so much to make up for. For not being there for Luke when he needed
me, for not being there for Jeremy when he did too. I wasn’t sure
about my mother but I was sure I was ready to prove to myself that
I could be strong. I was going home.

When Luke begged me earlier, I almost caved, but I
had someone else in my life I needed to think about. And I was sick
of hurting people.

I walked over to Max, resting my hand on his
shoulder. “Will you go for a walk with me?”

His eyes closed, but he gave me a knowing nod. Luke
turned away when we headed out, but Jeremy watched me. Once outside
we sat on the front stoop. “You’re going back, aren’t you?” Max
asked hesitantly.

I grabbed his hands in mine. “I have to. I am so
sorry.”

“It’s okay. Like I said, I’d love to come visit. I
could help you move in or something. This doesn’t have to end right
now, if you don’t want it to. Maybe I’ll like it out there.” He ran
his hand through my hair and pulled me in for a sweet kiss.
“There’s nothing in the city for me anymore if you go. So let’s
just say, I’ll come out in two weeks, and we’ll go from there. No
heavy goodbye’s-just we’ll see each other soon.”

I smiled. “Really? You’d come out? I mean that much
to you?”

He caressed my cheek, pushing my hair over my
shoulder. “Yeah, you do.” That was the thing I adored about Max. He
made me feel special, that I was never letting him down. That no
matter what I did, he understood. I needed that feeling to make my
insecurities dissipate.

His mouth found mine and I melted into him. “Do we
at least have one night alone before you go?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I think I can arrange that.”

I hoped anyway.

After Max had left for the day, Luke insisted on
walking me to the club to tell Jimmy that I was leaving in the next
day. That’s when he found out about my new habit.

“What the hell are you doing?” He yanked the
cigarette from my mouth before I lit it.

I shrugged, pulling another from the pack. “It’s
just something I picked up.”

“Great! Maggie, what else are you going to spring on
us? Strip club, new man in your life, smoking-what’s next?”

“Please don’t start with me, Luke. It’s helped me
get through things. I’m sure you understand that.” He eyed me
without saying a word, like it finally clicked.

A second later, he said, “I get it. I’ve had my
vices this whole time, but I’ll get you to stop. Smoking kills, you
know.”

Jeremy wanted to leave right away, but I begged Luke
and Dean to help me convince him that I needed at least twenty four
hours to tie up loose ends.

***

Max and I were finally given some space. It wasn’t
easy to get, especially with Luke, but I think he considered me
going back with them as the better end of the deal. Even though I’d
walked away from Luke almost two years ago, it now felt like I was
somehow cheating on him with Max. Just accepting the first date was
a huge step for me. Luke had been the only man I ever loved, the
person I thought I’d be with forever. It felt so wrong to be with
Max, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop it. I compared kisses,
touches, broad shoulders, smells, everything. Even though Max was
amazing, nothing compared to what Luke did to me.

I’d never been one of those girls who could have a
one-night stand, go home with a total stranger, or have a quickie
in the back seat. It wasn’t me. I needed to have feelings, strong
feelings, if I were to allow the relationship to progress to that
next level. I swear this was God’s way of testing my feelings and
values.

Naturally, I was a bit on edge to spend one last
night in Max’s arms. At least until he came out to Chicago to visit
me. After showering, shaving, and running the brush through my
hair, which I left down for him, I got dressed.

The buzzer rang at exactly seven. The last few hours
of cleaning, packing, and getting ready were a relief since I was
able to forget about Luke and what the boys were doing on their
last night. Seeing them did something to me that I couldn’t
explain. I ached to be around them again. But, I owed Max one
night, nothing in between us, nothing holding me back. Whether he
knew it he helped patch up so many holes and kept me together while
I was here. He deserved all of my attention.

Max showed up with a bottle of wine, a couple pints
of takeout Chinese, and a dozen red roses.

We were snuggled up side by side, listening to his
IPhone play music on Pandora while we ate. He knew I liked the
sweet-and-sour chicken, so he only dipped his chopsticks in once to
snag a piece. “I can’t believe I’m not going to be able to do this
with you anymore,” he spoke in a clipped tone, but I could hear the
sadness behind it.

I placed my food onto the table. “I know.”

“I don’t want to be your regret, Maggie.”

“You could never be that, Max,” I breathed out the
words, wondering why he’d feel that way.

He gave me a sad smile but set his food down next to
mine. It all happened so fast. One minute I was sitting next to him
on the couch, the next I was flat on my back. He carefully placed
himself on top, gazing down at me with a look of desperation. I
could tell without him asking what he wanted from me before I left
him behind. He wanted all of me. “Please,” he begged.

I lifted my head to meet his, taking his bottom lip
between my teeth. “Take me to bed,” I whispered. His eyes closed
briefly before I was rewarded with a smile.

His strong arms scooped me from the couch. He walked
toward my bed, gently placing me down. He sat on the edge to remove
his black boots, grinning as he peeked over his shoulder.

Slowly, he inched his way up my body until his lips
reached mine. He parted my mouth with his tongue, slowly taking
tiny nips at my lips. He rocked into me once, as he slipped his
hand under my neck, lifting my head. He moaned, and sat up.

“Can we get rid of these?” He glanced down at my
pants. I nodded.

He quickly unbuttoned my jeans, tugging them until
they were off. He tossed them on the floor, and then kicked off his
own pants. He was being rather brave tonight, and I liked that. His
boxers slipped down over the curve of his hips, then he slid back
onto the bed next to me. One by one, he unbuttoned my blouse
without taking his eyes off mine. “You are so fucking beautiful,
Maggie.” The words left his lips like he was having a hard time
breathing. He slid my blouse off my shoulders, reaching underneath
to unhook my bra. “Are you sure, because I don’t think I’ll be able
to stop if we keep going...”

Feeling brave myself, I ran my hand down his stomach
until my fingers found their target. He groaned, as I stroked him
and I felt every ounce of how much he was turned on.

He took hold of my free hand, placing it above my
head, raining kiss after kiss down my face until his mouth reached
my breasts. He pulled my other hand over my head, wrapping both of
them into his. I arched my back, tilting my head as he sank in
between my thighs. His erection pressed against my wet panties,
demanding entrance.

This was it. The second man I was able to relent to,
to give myself over to one hundred percent without any hang-ups. I
knew what I felt for him was more than simple friendship and
sometimes I even thought it might just be the L Word. Then again,
maybe it was the other L word.

Lust.

He pulled back, lightly tracing every line on my
face, kissing my lips so softly. I wanted to cry and I wasn’t sure
why. When I opened my eyes, I could tell he thought that this might
be all over soon. Us. That this might be the only time that we’d be
able to share something so special, and he wanted to take it
regardless of the fallout.

He reached off the bed to grab his jeans to pull a
condom from the pocket. Once he got me going, moaning his name at
the simple touch of his lips on my body, he ripped my panties down
and moved on top of me, slipping inside me. He kissed my lips
once.

“Maggie, I lo...” Before he could finish I crashed
my lips onto his. I knew what he was going to say, and I couldn’t
let those words slip off his tongue. Selfishly, I devoured him
before he could admit his true feelings, because I couldn’t say
them back. And I hated myself for it.

Chapter 8

Luke

I should of known this was going to be her
first stop. Dean barely parked his truck in the lot at our
apartment complex before she demanded Jer’s keys to his car. I’d
waited half and hour before going after her. My mind was completely
fried with way too many scenarios running through it to keep it
together. I was just glad we found her whether she wanted us to or
not, regardless if I ever won her back. She had said she was glad
we found her but I wasn’t a hundred percent convinced she was happy
leaving that jackass Max behind.

I’d hid behind one of the maple trees just watching
her. Unable to look away. She was on her knees, head in her hands
and crying. At first I wasn’t sure, but the steady rise and fall of
her shoulders let me know she was breaking down. Finding Maggie was
an absolute godsend but revisiting the worst night of my life was
painful. The booze, the drugs, everything I did to escape that
feeling inside my chest for the past few months was back. Not as
powerful as before but it still felt like utter hell. I wasn’t
stupid, I knew it had everything to do with Maggie being back.

I’d avoided this place as much as possible since it
was such a painful reminder that they were gone, but at the same
time it felt like a betrayal to stay away. There were fresh flowers
on top of each grave, ones I knew had to have been brought by
Maggie. No one else visited. The rest of our family lived too far
away to make daily visits to a gravesite.