Surrendered (Heart of a Warrior Series Book 3) (3 page)

Looking for him.

He reached for the brass door handle on the big wooden door and stepped into the din. His girl waited for him. Tomorrow could wait. As he crossed under lingering Christmas lights to join their table, he muttered a mantra all SEALs knew by heart: “The only easy day was yesterday.”

Chapter Three

The evening hours arrived before Kaylan could fully prepare—the time to remember Sarah Beth’s homegoing. All day, Kaylan had fought the desire to snap at her brothers or respond sarcastically to Megan. In truth, she had failed in both departments. It wasn’t until she finally retreated to the solace of her room and grabbed an old photo album that she allowed herself to feel. When would the grief lessen? Some days, Kaylan forgot to hurt, forgot to feel sad. She would pick up the phone to tell her best friend about her day, only to feel the distant weight of rubble settle on top of her.

Truth be told, she didn’t think there would come a day when she didn’t miss Sarah Beth Tucker. If that day came, Kaylan feared it would mean she’d forgotten. Forgotten the hard lessons learned in Haiti, forgotten Sarah Beth’s bubbly personality, forgotten how she made Kaylan love deeper, laugh harder, and live in the here and now.

Her ringing phone jarred her reverie. Pap. How did he always know when she needed him?

“Sugar, it’s your Pap.” She couldn’t help but smile. He’d long since ignored the fact she had caller ID. Said it made it more personal when a person declared themselves.

“Sugar?”

At the sound of his voice, her emotions caved. Tears coursed down her cheeks as she held back her sobs. She clutched the photo album to her chest and leaned back against her headboard.

“Ah, baby. Micah told me what you were going to do tonight. So I knew it would be a tough day. Wish your parents, Gran, and I were there. We’re telling our own stories here. Talk to me, sugar.”

Kaylan sniffed. A tear dripped off her face and landed on her arm. More followed its silent trek. “She should be here, Pap. I don’t want to do this. She should be here.”

Her gaze drifted to the album and a picture of Sarah Beth and Kaylan on her parents’ lake house dock. The sun cast a translucent glow on Sarah Beth’s blonde curls as they posed in their chairs, soaking up the summer sun. Sunglasses on and skin lathered with tanning lotion, they’d thought they were too cool to be fourteen, despite their telling braces and acne. The camera had captured Micah and Seth creeping up behind them. The next photo caught their unwilling dunk into the lake. A smile broke through her tears.

“Remember that winter Sarah Beth broke her arm, Sugar? You two stayed inside for weeks.”

Kaylan blinked back another wave of tears. “I don’t know how many Doris Day movies we watched then.  She was fifteen but still went for that hot pink cast. She wanted everyone to sign it. So of course everyone did.” Kaylan clutched at her shirt right above her heart, as if reaching for it could somehow numb the pain. Her chest ached with the loss. “Everyone always loved her. Why, Pap? I still don’t understand why.”

“Ah, sugar. No backtracking now. You’ve asked your whys and hows and how comes. It doesn’t change the fact that God is God, and we’re just not going to get it this side of heaven.”

“But I want to understand. I want her back.” Kaylan reached for a tissue on her nightstand and dabbed at her nose. “She should be in my wedding, Pap. I never bought into that whole notion of romantic soul mates. But friends? Sarah Beth was my soul mate, my heart friend. What if you only get one of those? I grew up with her. What if no one else can measure up? What if I don’t want someone else? What if I just want her back?”

“Now, Sugar, I need you to snap out of it.” Pap’s strong, smooth voice anchored her harried emotions. “I need you to remember the sweet moments. The reason you two went to Haiti. I need you to remember what Sarah Beth told you in her last minutes before the good Lord took her home. She was ready. You got that, sugar? No regret. No wishing for more time. She was ready.”

Kaylan remembered those last moments all too well. They haunted her dreams. But rarely did she remember the words associated with the broken, dusty, bloody image. She sniffed and took a breath. The tears eased a bit. Peace. That’s what she’d seen on her friend’s face. Excitement to be with her heavenly Father. And her last words to Kaylan were to count it all joy.

“She reminded me to be happy.”

“You do not have to mourn your best friend forever. I loved that little girl like a granddaughter, and I know she would want to stand next to you at your wedding.”

The waterworks resumed, and Kaylan groaned. She squeezed her eyes shut. “Pap, you’re supposed to help me stop crying.”

“Now hang on there, sugar. Hear me out. She would want to be right next to you in your wedding if she were still here. But I guarantee, she doesn’t want to come back down from glory to stand next to you on some hot, sandy beach.”

Kaylan laughed at the image. In that light, it did look ridiculous. Why would she want to come back? Why would Kaylan want her to?

“I just miss her, Pap.”

“And you probably always will. There won’t come a day when you won’t want her by your side. But the perspective will grow, and the years will pass. Before you know it, you’ll be up there with her, and all this time spent missing her will seem pointless.” Silence stretched over the phone. Then Pap cleared his throat. “Sugar.” His voice grew husky, and Kaylan knew he cried for the girl they’d both loved and for Kaylan and for a thousand tomorrows, but neither of them cried because of her residence. “She wanted you to live.”

A knock sounded on Kaylan’s bedroom door and the noisy hinge groaned in protest as Megan pushed it wider. “Kayles, are you ready?”

She heard the hesitation in Megan’s voice, the silent questions she refused to ask. Kaylan didn’t meet her roommate’s gaze. She swiped at her splotchy face. “Pap, Megan just got here. We need to go meet the guys. Thanks for calling.”

“Anytime, Sugar. You call if you want to talk again. I love you.”

“Love you, too. Bye, Pap.”

“Hold on, hun.”

Kaylan waited, her emotions ebbing a bit as she met her roommate’s eyes and tried to offer a small smile. Pap continued, “You tell Megan I said hello, and you let that young woman in now, ya hear?”

Kaylan picked at her bedspread. “I have, Pap.”

“I know you have, but I think you could do so a little more. She isn’t Sarah Beth, but that girl makes you a stronger person.”

Kaylan glanced back up at Megan. Her black three-quarter-length-sleeve shirt with a muted rose print and holey jeans made her look like a rocker. Add to that her dark brown pixie cut and cartilage piercing in her right ear, and Megan couldn’t be more opposite from Kaylan. “You’re right, Pap. She is pretty tough.”

Megan grinned and flexed her arm muscle, her smile setting her cinnamon eyes sparkling. “Gotta go, Pap. Love you.” She tossed the phone on her pillow as Megan sank down on Kaylan’s lavender comforter.

“You know”—she traced a pattern on the pillowy top—“Nick will never let you have a lavender bed when you two move in together.”

Laughter broke through the tears. “Oh, yeah?” Kaylan grabbed a pillow and whacked Megan over the head.

Megan jumped off the bed and leapt for a pillow on the floor, holding it in front of her like a shield. She paced, looking for the best place to pounce. “Don’t dish it if you can’t take it.”

“Oh, I can take it.” Kaylan rose up on her knees, her pillow at the ready. She struck again, barely missing. The draft worked to dry the tear tracks on her face. “And let’s just say Nick wasn’t around when I worked on the registry. He might have a few surprises.”

“That’s what returns are for.” Megan lunged and tackled Kaylan, beating her with the pillow until Kaylan rolled with laughter. “I give. I give. I give.”

Megan rose from the bed and brushed her bangs from her face, grinning in victory. “Like I said, don’t dish it if you can’t take it.” She held out her hand to pull Kaylan up. “Now, are you ready to go?”

Pain descended again, though not quite as heavy this time. She didn’t want to cry anymore. January 12 was three days away—the official anniversary. But it would be good to talk and laugh with her brothers and Nick and Megan tonight.

Kaylan glanced down at her own clothes, a cream off-the-shoulder shirt with a tank top underneath and jeans. She’d asked to celebrate Sarah Beth in an unusual location, and casual worked just fine.

*

The tires crunched over gravel as Nick pulled the car into the parking lot of their favorite frozen yogurt place. The neon pink and green sign complete with dripping yogurt for the O brightened the dark night. Nick killed the engine and they sat for a moment, Kaylan noting more cars than usual in the small lot. A group of people huddled close inside. Kaylan didn’t think she could handle strangers watching her fight tears.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else.” After minutes in silence her voice sounded loud to her own ears.

“Why?” Nick reached for her hand. The glow of the digital clock highlighted their laced fingers. His thumb traced circles on her wrist, sending goosebumps dancing down her arms.

“Too many people. Let’s just go back to your place and turn on a movie, maybe play Monopoly with my brothers before they leave in the morning.” She turned pleading eyes on his handsome face. “Please, let’s just forget it.”

Panic built in her chest, clawing its way up her throat. She’d thought long and hard about where to celebrate Sarah Beth, some place happy, relaxed, some place with memories, some place where tears wouldn’t emerge unbidden. But sometimes the grief didn’t obey her command. She’d moved past anger. She’d accepted. But a life well lived begged to be celebrated, and with that realization came the sorrow that the time appointed for Sarah Beth’s life felt too short to Kaylan.

Her mind retreated back to a night in Alabama after finals. Summer lingered on the horizon, teasing them as they waited for grades and freedom. Kaylan and Sarah Beth had landed in a frozen yogurt shop after ten, strung out on coffee and ecstatic about the end of their sophomore year.

“Can you believe my French professor wanted me to read that whole page in front of the class? I swear he fakes that nasal accent. He’s from Kansas, for goodness sake. And I froze, Kayles. I totally froze. Do you know how long I practiced reading that?”

Kaylan rolled her eyes and laughed as they each chose their poison—creamy goodness twirling from the machines and into their waiting cups. “Actually, yes. You were up at five-thirty this morning practicing in the mirror.”

Sarah Beth winced. “You heard that?”

“
Je m’appelle
Sarah Beth.
Je viens de
Tuscaloosa. Blah blah blah.”

“See, even you remember it!” She smacked her forehead with her free hand, her curls bouncing. “I mean, how do you forget your own name and where you’re from?”

“In your defense, there was a lot more to that verbal exam. And you have never been great with a script in front of people.”

“I know, right?” They moved to the toppings. Sarah Beth began to scoop every bright-flavored candy available onto her yogurt. “Especially a script in another language. Geez, people really need to just go with the flow. He should have just let me go up there and say whatever I could. Then he would see how much I had learned.”

Kaylan chuckled. “At least you didn’t have to remember how to spell every muscle in the human body.” Kaylan spooned chocolate chunks on her yogurt before paying.

“You’re right. You’re right.” Sarah Beth chose a bright pink plastic spoon and slid into a booth. “We both failed in the foreign language department today.” She scooped a heaping bite of yogurt dripping with Sour Patch Kids, sprinkles, and Skittles into her mouth.

Kaylan winced. “That is way too much sugar in one bite.”

“Kaylan, Kaylan, have I taught you nothing?” Sarah Beth rolled her eyes and sighed. “It’s not about the sugar. It’s about the color. It makes me happy. Happy mouth, happy belly, happy brain.” She dumped the spoonful in her mouth and talked around the goodness. “And a very happy Sarah Beth Tucker.”

“Whatever you say, Bubbles.”

They stayed until close, exhaustion and sugar pushing them to the point of delirium. By the time the manager kicked them out, Kaylan’s stomach ached from laughing so hard, and Sarah Beth’s tongue had turned a dark brown from all the dyed candy. Swearing to the manager that they weren’t drunk, they left the shop giggling uncontrollably, arms around one another, celebrating the perfect end to an imperfect day.

“Kayles? Come back to me.”

She blinked as Nick’s deep voice tugged her back to the present. She swallowed back sadness at the memory. Sadness and the urge to laugh uncontrollably.

“It will just be hard to celebrate with that huge group of strangers in there.”

“Well . . .” Nick cleared his throat just as a blonde-headed child skipped from the middle of the group. Kaylan recognized Molly Carpenter, Logan and Kim’s little girl, and the apple of Nick’s eye.

“Nick Carmichael, why are the Carpenters here?”

He rubbed his hand over his hair and just looked at her.

“Nick,” she warned.

“They wanted to come, Kaylan.” He shrugged. “The guys heard what we were doing tonight, and they wanted to be here for you.”

“But they didn’t know her. Why would they possibly want to come?”

His finger traced a trail down her cheek, his feather light touch awakening every nerve in her body. He leaned forward and placed a kiss on her lips. His face a breath away, he whispered, “Kaylan, when are you going to accept that there are people who love you? They want to support you.”