The Big O (The Virgin Diaries) (7 page)

“There’s times when you come across a person who fits the description perfectly and you have the worst time shaking it until you finally give in.”

Amy shoots her hand up. “How does that have to do with anything?”

I whirl around, showing the students the cuffs and let them have fun squealing and clapping before Oren undoes the cuffs. I turn to him before ushering the students to the bus. Glancing down quickly, I spy his tented pants once again and can’t help internally fist pump the air.

“Thanks, Oren.”

“See you tomorrow, Olivia.”

“You mean Miss Olander.” We both look over to see Kane with a beaming smile.

“You’re correct, sir. See you tomorrow, Miss Olander.”

This time it’s Kane who clutches to my hand. “You better pray that man has a chichiwawa, Miss Olander.”

C
hapter9

The Humping Dog Syndrome

“Fuck, shit, bitch.” I sling the foundation bottle across the bathroom.

“Calm yo’ titties before you stroke the fuck out, O.” Scout picks up the bottle. “I’ve brought all my stuff.”

“Perfect because my olive colored skin will look perfect in fucking albino foundation.”

“Saying fuck every other word is not going to help your case in getting sausage in your wound-up taco tonight.”

“Scout.” I glare at her.

“Sit.” She pushes me down on my vanity stool. “You left a bottle at my house awhile back and I have it.”

“Why am I so nervous? I don’t date anymore; it's just dinner.”

“It’s a date and the first one you’ve ever been super excited about. I’ll get you one glass of wine in a second. ONE glass, O.”

“Yeah, I know. I came in like a seasoned veteran last time with the wine.”

“I love you.” Scout kisses my cheek before bouncing out of the bathroom.

I hear the racket of glasses and the fridge door slamming shut. I catch my reflection in the mirror and study it.
Why in the hell would a man like Oren be attracted to me?
Almond shaped eyes, rich olive toned skin, a boring face with proportional features, straight long black hair, and that lingering question of what ethnic groups came together to make a freak like me.

“Knock it off.” Scout hands me the glass of wine. “I’ll never understand why you can’t see your beauty, O. Shit, more men wanted you in college.”

“Whatever.” I down half the glass.

“It’s just my size D tits they’re attracted to. They all eyed you for your looks, genuine personality and real size C girls.”

“I don’t know what it is.” I shrug.

Scout busies herself applying my make-up and chattering away. “It’s hard for you not having your mom growing up. Don’t you remember us always in awe of her beauty and your dad smitten with her?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “She was the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen.”

Wine splatters on my forehead and the bridge of my nose as Scout’s hand connects to the side of my face in a punishing slap.

“Then why can’t you ever see yourself as her? Jesus, do you think you have your dad’s nose that’s the size of Texas and that wart on his jawline or his wiry gray hair?”

“Be nice,” I say as I wipe off the speckles of wine.

“I am, but I refuse to let you beat yourself down and not love yourself, O. You’re gorgeous. Oren sees that, so go have fun tonight.”

“Okay, okay, Mom.”

“Let him kiss you, finger you…”

“Shut the hell up, bitch.”

Scout kneels down in front of me, wiping the rest of the wine from my face and fixing my makeup. “Seriously, and I know we aren’t serious very often, but Olivia, I worry about you. You’re too hard on yourself. You’re a gorgeous, strong, stubborn, and very amazing person. You deserve a better half, so quit degrading yourself.”

“Thanks, Scout.”

She reaches up, seizing my nipple between her finger and thumb and gives it one hell of a twist. “Now, let’s get you dressed up like a first rate hooker.”

She bounds off into the other room before I can talk and I’m left staring into the mirror. For the first time, I see hints of my mom in my features. I’ll never be as beautiful as her and never was meant to be. I’m the perfect combination of her and my father. I’ll never admit it to Scout, but she’s right.

I walk into my bedroom. “He told me to wear my tight khakis.”

“Perfect! Pair it with this tight titty hugging peach lacy blouse and these heels.”

“Heels? Um no, we are going to dinner, not the damn opera.”

“You’ll wear them and wow him.”

“It’s too much, Scout. I’ll look desperate.”

“What’s the problem with that?” She rearranges her messy bun on the top of her head. “I’m pretty sure dragging your whole class down to the station screamed desperate.”

“I guess you’re right. I am desperate.”

“Desperate to get Officer Sexy’s ding dong in your pie hole.”

“Oh my God, I can’t even, Scout. What if he kisses me and I screw it up?”

“Oh honey, you will.” She steps up to me, picking at the top I just threw on. “But it will be good memories to look back and laugh at just like your attempt at death by cellphone in kitty.”

I flush with embarrassment just thinking about that. My new phone is on the way from the company and I received a very passive aggressive email about reaching my limit on my cellphone insurance.

“You’ll never let me live that one down, will you, Scout?”

“Not looking good at all.” She bounds out of the room leaving her voice streaming through the hall. “I have an idea.”

“Shit.” I cringe. “I’m done with your ideas, biotch.”

I scoop up Pedro, who’s curled in all the clothes thrown on my bed. “Your auntie is cray-cray and I swear, on a mission to kill me.”

“Okay, this is our favorite site when we want to spice things up.” Scout’s perched on the couch with my personal MacBook in her lap.

“First, who is we and second, what are we spicing up?”

“Taylor and sometimes we play a game of watching steamy porn and see how long we can go with keeping our hands to ourselves.”

I sneak another glass of wine, realizing I think I’m already a full-fledged wino. “I don’t even want to know.”

I’m pretty sure Scout ignores each word that leaves my mouth.

“I made it about three minutes one time until I couldn’t resist Taylor anymore and sealed the deal with my lips around his…”

“Shut the hell up. I don’t need the visual.”

“O, here watch this.” She stands and hands me my laptop. “It will help you loosen up and hey, look at it like you’re doing homework. You need to be prepared.”

“We are not humping tonight,” I exclaim.

“Stranger things have happened.” Scout waggles both of her eyebrows at me. She pretends to punt Pedro across the room before waving bye. “Make sure you watch that shit. It’ll have you fucking like a porn star before you know it.”

Pedro growls at Scout, hence the reason I know dogs can sense evil, when Scout slams the door. I sip the last of my allotted wine, not wanting to be trashed for my date. I set the laptop on the counter and it whisper screams my name, taunting me to take a peek. It’s just like a bad accident you can’t peel your eyes from. Damn curiosity has me all balled up in wonderment.

The wine glass clinks when I set it down on the counter and without another thought, I flip open the screen and wait for it to boot up. Skin, more like a sea of flesh, covers my entire screen. Ginormous peepees and women’s voluptuous breasts dance in motion. And that’s about all I can handle. My finger accidentally clicks on a link before I have a chance to boot down the laptop.

“Holy mother loving burning butthole.” I squeal and slam my palm over my mouth as I watch a wanger slam into a butthole over and over again. Both of the moans and whimpers streaming from the video are very deep and masculine and then that’s when I see a pair of hairy nuts dangling below the butthole.

“Holy shit!” I slam the screen shut. “I’m going to fucking kill Scout.”

Besides scrubbing out my eyes with a wire brush and pounding in Scout’s face, there’s not much left to get that visual out of my head. I resort to falling back down on the couch and dialing up the one person who always gives me the confidence to push ahead in life. Good ol’ Daddio.

“Hello.” His asshole dog yaps in the background, making it hard to hear Dad’s voice.

“Hey, Pops.”

“Olivia, now aren’t you glad I forced you to keep your landline?”

I roll my eyes and remember the fight we had over me getting a landline. “Yes, Pops, you were right.”

“I just know how clumsy you are and I never want you without communication.”

“Yeah, my new one is on the way, but my insurance cut me off.”

“Too many claims?”

“Bingo.”

“Well, just try to be careful, hun.”

Oh, if I had a dollar for every time he’s told me that, I’d have enough money to buy my first O.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So, what are you up to? Calling me on a Friday night and I don’t hear Scout in the background.”

“Well, Pops, I’m…”

I stall because the next few words are so damn foreign to me that I’m not sure that I even know how to begin to process them.

“Gay? Getting a sex change?”

“Dad,” I squeal in between giggles. He always knows when a heavy topic is coming.

“I’m going on a date, Dad.”

“Very good. Another set up disaster type?”

“No, remember the other day when I said the blind date went well but was complicated?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it’s that guy. Oh, Jesus. I mean it’s a guy I met that night.”

“Very good, Olivia. You must like him if you’re giving it a second chance.”

“Honestly, Dad, I’m scared.”

“That’s a good feeling to have dear. I’ll never forget how terrified I was when I flew over to meet your mother.” He pauses and I know it’s because he’s getting choked up. He rarely talks about the whole process of him purchasing a mail order bride.

“It’s okay, Dad.”

“No, Olivia, listen to me. I wanted to fly home before I met her. I was sick thinking of all the bad things that could’ve gone wrong, but the second I laid eyes on her she made every single wrong in the world right in my eyes. And all my nerves vanished. I brought your mother home, married her, and then we finished off our fairytale with you.”

“Ahhh, Dad, now you’re going to make me cry and I’ll tell Scout that you messed up my make-up.”

“Shit, don’t do that. I’m afraid of that girl.”

I laugh into the phone, petting the top of Pedro’s head. “I love you Dad, even if I inherited all your awkward genes.”

“Olivia, you’re the world to me and I want nothing more than for you to find that hopeless and endless love like I did with your mother.”

A knock at the door distracts me, saving me from a full-blown fit of tears. “He’s here, Pops, I gotta go. I love you so much.”

“Update tomorrow at the shop.”

“You got it. Bye.”

He hangs up the phone in his typical abrupt fashion. The man never says good-bye. Refuses to say the word, claiming why say it when I’m not going anywhere.

With sweaty palms and all, I take each step to the door with a mixture of excitement and whole lot of nerves. Pedro yaps and barks like his ass is on fire. I scoop up the little hellion before opening the door.

When I open the door, Oren stands before me like I’ve never seen him before. Loose blue jeans, a tight white V-neck shirt, and a dazzling smile. I do believe he looks even sexier out of uniform. Then my eyes land on the large bouquet of yellow flowers he’s holding.

“Olivia.” He nods, shooting me a dazzling grin.

“Hey.” I swat at Pedro, trying to get him to quit growling.

“I know you don’t date, but,” he holds up the roses, “I had to.”

My face burns with embarrassment at his gesture and then everything else that happens flows out naturally, like we’ve been an old couple for years.

“Thank you, Oren.” I bounce up on the tips of my toes, giving him a one-armed hug. Pulling away from him is a different story. He’s wearing new cologne that hypnotizes me into the most sex-inducing trance ever. He smells a tad bit sweeter than his normal masculine musky smell with hints of a woody smell mixed with basil.

“Hey, killer.” Oren pats the top of Pedro’s head and I realize I’m still hanging off him like a freaking crazy-ass monkey.

I slowly step away, inhaling deeply, relishing the smell without flat-out sniffing him.

“This is Pedro,” I say stepping back, letting Oren into my apartment.

“Seems like quite a vicious guard dog.”

“He’s all bark and no bite.”

Oren hands me the roses and I melt when the slightest scent of him lingers on them. “Let me grab some water for our dinner roses.”

I air quote the last part.

“I like the heels, Olivia.”

I peer down to the damn hooker heels Scout forced on me and shyly grin.

“You look gorgeous.”

“Naw…” I stop myself, remembering the speech Scout gave me earlier. “I mean thank you, Officer, and you my hot cop, clean up quite nicely too.”

“Man, since moving here I’ve been pulling double shifts, heading home stripping down to my boxers, and then back up at it again.”

I choke on my own spit, picturing him clothed only in boxers and then getting UP in the morning. Good lord, I need to get a grip.

“Whoa puppy.”

I turn back to Oren just in time to get the perfect view of Pedro pounding out his own sexual frustrations at Oren’s ankle. Full-out Yorkie humping like there’s no tomorrow.

“Pedro, damn you.” I drop the roses into a vase full of water. “Pedro.”

Finally, when I reach him, I slap his little bump, knocking him out of his perfect rhythm.

“I’m so sorry, Oren. He usually is only an elbow humper.”

Oren’s laugh bubbles up from his chest.

“God, that didn’t sound good, did it?” I stand up with the little horny humper tucked under my arm.

“You two have to be the cutest pair I’ve ever met.” Oren steps forward, gently places his lips on my forehead, leaving behind a tender kiss before standing back up.

“Uh…” I fumble like a whore in church for my next few words. “Uh, he pisses on the people he doesn’t like, so I guess you made the cut.”

“I’m sorry, Olivia, I can’t do this.”

My heart sinks down to my toes with each of his words. I feel tears begin to pool up behind my brown eyes and wonder what in the hell I did wrong.
Did he get that offended by Pedro’s actions?

Before I muster up the courage to form a word, Oren steps in closer to me, clutches my cheek with one of his large palms, and then dips his face to mine. His gorgeous brown eyes are the last thing I see before his scent knocks all the sense out of me.

His lips grace mine, running slowly across them, and then his other hand pulls me in closer by the small of my back. Pedro remains frozen, sandwiched between us. Oren’s lips press a bit harder into mine and then he swipes his tongue out along the seam of my lips. I moan with the intimate touch.

Oren deepens the kiss, pushing his tongue into my mouth and circling it and then pulls back, just focusing on my lips and peppering them with gentle kisses.