The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (82 page)

The good news is that there are designers who specifically cut tuxes for women, and some are available for rentals—look for Caspar, Donna Karan, and Miu Miu, among others.

If you feel like black tie is a bit over the top for your taste, a dark suit (navy, black, or dark gray) is elegant and is taken almost as seriously by the etiquette gurus as a tux is for dressy wedding wear. To maximize the look of a suit, we recommend a crisp white dress shirt; one with French cuffs and a spread collar (never a tab or button-down) is a good choice. Add a dark tie (woven silk is the most formal) and your dressiest black shoes.

The obvious upside (and downside) of a great suit is that it can't be rented. If you don't own one, you'll have to buy it, but you'll have it forever.

If you've never been one for rules and want to fight fashion fascism, you can put your individual stamp on your wedding by any of the following:

Cowboy boots or sneakers with your tux.

A traditional three-piece Nigerian outfit called a
grand buba
that has drawstring pants, a caftanlike shirt with a Nehru collar that hits the midthigh, and a matching robe.

Worn-in Levis and starched white T-shirts.

Kilts.

Black leather pants, black leather vest, black leather gloves, stud bracelets, black leather hat, and… what? White pumps?

A Japanese kimono.

Yarmulkes, kufi, or kente hats or other ethnic accoutrements. There are yarmulkes in pearl white and basic black, but we've also spotted leopard skin, brocade, and, of course, lavender. (And you can have custom imprinting done too.)

Vintage clothing. Shop around in thrift stores or look in your family's attic.

NO GLOVE, NO LOVE?

Brides and grooms through the ages have learned that gloves and rings are not the finest combination. Does she remove her glove in order to get the ring on? Then what happens? Does she walk back down the aisle wearing a glove on her right hand only? As always, rules of etiquette were developed to take care of this situation. If the bride chose to wear gloves, she was to remove a finger (not hers, silly, the glove's) or slit the glove in order for the ring to be slipped on at the appropriate moment. So we say to you modern brides and grooms alike: either do it with your bare hands or opt for a modified Michael Jackson look.

Straight people say to me, “Oh, a lesbian wedding? What, do they both wear tuxedos?” Big deal. Sometimes they do… and sometimes they both wear dresses and sometimes one wears a dress and one wears a tuxedo. A lot of them seem to wear silk pants, blouses, flowing jackets. But they all look stunning, and that's because they're in love.

—Reverend Rosalind Russell

Historically, the wedding gown was the single most important and expensive dress a woman would wear in her lifetime. As the leading player in the traditional wedding drama, all eyes were upon the bride as she made her entrance and paraded down that aisle into holy matrimony; all necks would crane to see what she was wearing, and a communal gasp would be heard as people took in her magnificence. This was her day to be queen, to rise head and shoulders above the rest, to feel gorgeous and divine.

Today, regardless of the gender of their intended, women either embrace the notion of “the wedding gown thing” or reject the concept entirely. Some lesbians feel that wearing a wedding dress is taking a political stand, further proclaiming that “there is no difference between ‘us' and ‘them.'” If you're the kind of gal who went through life daydreaming, “Someday, my princess will come,” a traditional wedding gown could be for you. Alternately, you may have wanted to
be
Prince Charming, despise the pageantry associated with the wedding dress, and boycott anything that even hints at taffeta.

As two lesbians who are tying the knot, one of you may feel the first way, and the other the second. This is all workable; we've heard of many beautiful weddings where one bride was in a gown and the other in a smashing tux.

Bridal magazines of the forties and fifties made it all seem so much simpler. You could be “the autumn bride,” “the playful bride,” or the ever-popular “classic June bride.” Contemporary options are, shall we say, more diverse.