The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (39 page)

There are certain things that have to be stated on your invitation, and there is a formal way in which they are traditionally stated. But you can make this form into anything you want it to be. As long as your invitation is easy for guests to follow, you can adapt the guidelines as you see fit.

Let's take the basic form of a traditional invite and bounce off it. If you're obsessive and want more details, check your Emily Post or other book of etiquette, where you will find literally pages of rules concerning capitalization, punctuation, titles, military weddings, and so forth. The Internet also has some sites that deal in wedding invitation wording.

The invitational lines usually contain the names of the bride's parents—that is, those footing the bill, and therefore the “hosts” of the event. If one or both sets of parents are hosting your wedding, their names would come first. If you and your parents are in this together, you can use:

Diane and Andrea, along with their parents…

It's possible that even if your parents aren't paying for the wedding, they're supportive of your relationship and you would like to include their names on the invitation.

Traditionally (and remember, we're talking
classic
here), there were only two acceptable request lines (although you were allowed to spell
honour
with or without a
u):

The honour of your presence is requested…

or, along with the invitational line,

Mr. and Mrs. Paul Thomas Hernandez request the honor of your presence…

But there is a vast array of contemporary wording possibilities for the request line that work for many gay and lesbian couples:

Please join us…

The pleasure of your company is requested…

Our happiness will be more complete if you will share in…

With joy Randy and Joe invite you to join them in their celebration of…

This line is in all of the etiquette books, but it's really a part of the request line; traditionally, it says “marriage.” You may decide to use one of the many other phrases for what you're about to do: Holy Union, Wedding, Commitment Ceremony, Affirmation, and so forth. Place your euphemism on this line (unless, of course, you're having your ceremony in a state where it's already legal—then go for it, and print “marriage” in large boldface type!).

Whose name is going to come first? Tradition says that the woman's name comes first. Big help, huh? You're going to have to fight this one out between yourselves. The best solution we can offer is to list them alphabetically. Or, say them out loud and choose the way that sounds better.

These lines include both the day of the week and the date of the month, with the numbers spelled out, such as:

Saturday, the sixth of June

Believe it or not, the year is not required, but if you're going to include it, it looks better spelled out. For example:

Two thousand and ten

This gives the hour of the day, spelled out without numerals, such as:

at two o'clock

and may or may not include the period of the day, such as:

in the morning
or
in the afternoon,

It's assumed that people can figure out whether you're going to be married at ten in the morning or ten at night, but if it's an offbeat time, it doesn't hurt to bang them over the head with it. If you're having a night wedding on the beach, you'd better say so.

Obviously, this is the name of the church, temple, club, or home… but don't forget the street address, and the city and state.

If all guests are invited to both the ceremony and a reception that takes place right after, a combined invitation may be sent without separate enclosure cards. The copy might read something like this:

Reception to follow

or

and afterward in the church parlor

or even

then party, dudes

You can also tip them off as to what they might expect…

Dessert and champagne to follow

If the reception is at a different location, think about using a separate reception card.

If you decide not to enclose a reply card (which we'll get to in a moment), you should include:

RSVP
or
the favour of a reply is requested

This goes at the bottom left corner of the invitation. In this case you are assuming that the recipient has your address or will save the envelope with your return address. If you'd like the RSVP called in, make sure you print your phone number on the invitation.

In the most general of terms, an invitation to a wedding ceremony comprises the invitation itself and an envelope. Period. Life would be so simple if that's where we could end this chapter.

However, society has had centuries to develop a myriad of confusing options and protocol. Here's the breakdown of everything that can conceivably be shoved into an envelope. (Purists call it the
wedding ensemble,
not to be confused with the musicians you hire for the reception.)

This invites the guest to the wedding itself. Traditionally, it is engraved on the front of a piece of white or ecru 100 percent cotton rag stock and folded. It is the main course of the invitation package.

Ungummed and unsealed, with or without lining, this encloses the invitation itself and bears the name of the guest on the outside. It may also contain reception and response cards and any other enclosures. The inner envelope is certainly not mandatory, especially if you're ecologically minded—in which case everything goes into a single (outer) envelope.

This contains the inner envelope, bears the guest's name and address and your return address, and is stamped.

If the reception is to be held anywhere other than where the ceremony is held, it's suggested that there be a separate card for it—the reception card, which announces to the guests the location, time, date, and any other specific info regarding the reception. This is not just one of those Emily Post rules with no reason behind it. With the reception information on a separate card, the invitation to the ceremony becomes easier to read.

Some cards simply request that you respond but are otherwise blank, allowing the guest to write a personal note:

The favour of a reply is requested.

The card may also state:

Please respond on or before the twenty-eighth of July

M
_______________________
will
__________
attend

Because my own wedding invitation was very formal, Jane and I wanted to let our friends know that we were still going to have a little fun with the occasion, and decided to do that via the response card.

—Tess

Dear Tess & Jane,

_________Yes! I'd love to see 2 women get married

_________No… I'm liberal, but not
that
liberal

_________Sorry… I know I'm missing the party of the year, but I can't make it.

Love,_________
_________

Please respond on or before
May 30th, 2013

Make your response deadline about two weeks before the wedding. This will give you time to hunt people down and still be able to give the caterer a count one week before the event. Remember, you are the Supreme Master of your guest list. If Clive hasn't responded by your deadline, phone him and ask him if he's coming. If he says, “Yeah, I'll be there; is it okay if I bring my cousin from Cedar Rapids who's going to be in town?” tell Clive that you're looking forward to seeing him but that there's just not room for his cousin. Be firm.

The Great Response Card Debate

In her 1956 book,
Wedding Etiquette Complete,
Marguerite Bentley states, “In my contact with brides' families, I find that they are aghast at the number of persons who have not replied to their invitations up to a few days before the wedding. This situation makes it difficult to compute the numbers of guests for which preparations must be made and is a thoughtless and rude gesture to a gracious invitation.” We say, Right on, Ms. Bentley!

Old-time etiquette regarding a wedding invitation required a personal response on one's own stationery, and most etiquette gurus are appalled at the death of this custom. In fact, some treat it as the end of civilization as we know it. We, on the other hand, are big fans of the response-card method because (1) it's easiest on the guest, (2) it's the most practical way of keeping track of who's coming, (3) it's fun to check the mail every day, and (4) your friends will make witty comments on the cards, which you'll save in a shoe box and take out and read on your anniversary.

If you don't have much lead time, phone, e-mail, or Facebook RSVPs are definitely the quickest way to go. However, it can get you in trouble if you're inviting more than fifty people. You'll invariably lose count and end up spending more on the catering overage than you saved by not paying for response cards. Or one of you will hang up the phone and not be able to find the list that's supposed to be kept right next to it, and a fight will ensue and then the whole wedding will be called off anyway. So do yourself a favor. Send reply cards.

In addition, the following cards may accompany the ceremony invitation:

Map card:
Gives directions to the locations of the ceremony and/or reception. You can have someone draw maps, pull them off of Mapquest, or have the directions written out.