The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (85 page)

The wedding party is traditionally responsible for paying tux rental fees or purchasing the gowns you want them to wear. By the time the shoes are dyed and the bag is bought, you could be talking about a lot of money. If someone can't afford it and you really want her or him in the wedding, you should figure out a way to pay for it.

Since everyone is not the same, not everyone likes the same clothes. Tread lightly as you zero in on a fashion ensemble appropriate for your nearest and dearest pals.

As you choose the ensemble, remember the sizes, shapes, and weights of those who will be doing the wearing. Will the color be subtle or frightening when mixed with the varying hair colors of the attendants? Will the style make your cousin Maxine look like Barbarella? Will the cut make your Cousin Vinnie look like a plus-size penguin?

Each tux or dress will need to be fitted, so make initial arrangements for your attendants to have their alterations done. If renting, get everyone to reserve their garb enough in advance that you won't be disappointed by coming up one outfit short.

If you don't care if everybody matches, just have your wedding party wear their best clothes—but be sure to consult with each of them to eliminate any major fashion gaffes.

There are many other options for same-sex brides and grooms. (Wasn't it so much easier back in the days when the only gay fashion tip was which color handkerchief should be worn in which pocket?) For both the boys and the girls, there are other ways to have a unified look without making everyone wear a uniform. Here are four of them:

Pick one basic color
that will integrate the wedding party. Shades of black or white are popular and easy (and nobody minds having one more black outfit). Pastels tend to work as well, but when you start going into shades of, say, blue or pink, you could
be asking for trouble, unless you're in a position to see everyone's outfit well before the wedding. You don't want your wedding party mistaken for a Halloween party.

Pick an accessory,
any accessory (a scarf, a necklace, a boutonniere or corsage, a hanky), to coordinate everyone. Whatever you choose, it just has to have the “feel” of matching; you don't necessarily have to have a total look-alike chorus line of people behind you.

Pick a period
—for example, lacy Victorian romance, the Gatsby look, fifties funk, punk, and so on. The decision is yours, but remember, you're making quite a statement (especially if, for example, your entire wedding party has their noses pierced for the occasion). Watch the line between clothing coordination and costume design.

Find your own distinctive look
and use it to set you off. You as the guest of honor can choose to wear a different color or cut of coat. If the grooms or brides are both resplendent in full tuxes or other formal wear, have the attendants decked out in tuxedo shirts and jackets—over jeans and sneakers.

AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM. . .

A few words about children. If you're going to have them in a formal wedding, note that flower children and ring bearers traditionally wear the same outfits as the bridesmaids and ushers. If you want to follow this rule, fine; however, if you want to deviate from tradition here and let them wear alternate outfits, we think it's not only acceptable, but more humane. Little kids dressed like adults? Just one more thing to discuss with their therapists when they get older.

“Flowers really do intoxicate me.”

—V
ITA
S
ACKVILLE
-W
EST

Y
OU MIGHT THINK
,
I know nothing about flowers.
But if you've ever been sent a congratulatory bouquet, or bought a single long-stemmed rose from a street vendor, you already know more about flowers than you might think.

Unless you're Ebenezer Scrooge or someone with a wicked case of hay fever, you won't want to get married without flowers to complete the ritual. Flowers are nonessential essentials—they don't do anything but look magical. We think of them as a necessary luxury.

You'll find that as you meet with florists and are shown more and more elaborate arrangements, you can quickly blow your budget big time as you notice how dramatic the effect becomes “simply by doubling the amount of flowers in an arrangement.” And the “once in a lifetime” inner monologue begins anew. Your flower budget may range from $15 for a couple of boutonnieres to thousands of dollars for elaborate creations, so you'll need to know what you're doing.