The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (6 page)

When I changed from being a “get on, get in, get off, get out, get gone” kind of a guy, to one who allowed his partner to use every tool and every inch I had, I forgot about how small I was and started enjoying the journey rather than the destination. I became a woman’s dream, because all the focus was on her climaxes, her self-esteem, her fulfillment—that lead to her fulfilling my desires.

Older people often comment that age has given them experience and perspective that allows them to more fully enjoy their sexuality.

Age has had a significant impact on how I feel about myself. While I am less svelte than I used to be when I was younger, as an older woman, I feel sexier than I ever did as a young woman.

I’m not a “hardbody.” I’m older and out of shape, but I devote all my energies to making love-making extremely enjoyable for my partners. I’ve learned that even an older guy that’s far from a “10” can seriously satisfy women if he puts his partner’s enjoyment first.

Age to some people is a bad thing, but it brought me a new sense of freedom. My self-esteem is better these days for a lot of reasons, and yes my sex life is one of them. I am less afraid to try new things.

Communication

Learn to be a vocal lover. Give your partner specific compliments—on technique, appearance, or attitude—and enjoy the results. His or her self-esteem will blossom, and you’ll undoubtedly have a more eager lover on your hands. And remember, the more you give, the more you get!

My partners’ reactions have had a lot of influence on me. When he went down on me, my first lover said, “You smell funny and taste funny.” It’s taken me a long, long time to get over that one. In contrast, my second lover boosted my sexual self-esteem a lot by telling me enthusiastically how much he liked the way I smelled and tasted, the sounds I made, everything.

Little comments are good for me. People telling me I’m a good kisser, that I give good head. A “wow” now and again. Just this morning my boyfriend was rubbing his hands all over me, saying how soft my skin is. It’s also good to be recognized as a sexual person outside the bed. My boyfriend whispering, “You’re so sexy” in my ear when I’m washing dishes.

Nonverbal communication is often just as effective:

I get a boost listening to the sounds my girlfriend makes as I am pleasuring her. Or the way she touches me as I touch her. The look on her face as her eyes glaze over when it’s getting intense. Watching her does it for me.

Adventure

Sexual risk-taking can get you out of a rut and help you discover new facets of your sexuality, which will ultimately boost your self-esteem.

Learning what I like through masturbation, coming out as (mostly) lesbian, and having sex with women—these have given me more confidence about my body and helped me be more assertive about what I like and what I don’t.

I have been into BDSM for several years and the experience has opened me up to so many new things. I am soooo much more free now and I love myself… even though I am not perfect. I look in the mirror and say, “Wow, what a sex goddess!!”

Self-Acceptance

When it comes to sex, we’re all vulnerable to the temptation to whip out a ruler or a stopwatch and calculate how we measure up: Is everybody else having more fun, more excitement, more orgasms? All too often, curiosity about what the neighbors are doing in bed generates performance anxiety and a lurking sense of inadequacy. But cultivating curiosity about your own unique sexuality can set you on the path to pleasure.

Sex is fun, and it’s serious when you’re really intimate with someone. What it shouldn’t be (in my view) is a competitive performance where you are rated X out of ten. And you don’t have to have vast numbers of orgasms a week for it to be brilliant.

Folks need to know that whatever their preferences are, they needn’t feel guilty or inadequate. Over the course of my life, I’ve had less adventurous friends, or lately, vanilla friends, who felt that celebrations of brazenness, leathersex, etc., were somehow indictments of their quieter sex lives.

Life Changes

Dealing with physical changes can provide an opportunity to expand your experience or definition of sex.

I lost my inhibitions and self-consciousness after childbirth. Once the world has seen your private bits, why not show a new partner as well?!

My inability to maintain an erection definitely created a serious dent in my sexual self-esteem. Fortunately I spent time learning to be more oral with my partners, something that I now excel in. That is a good ego booster.

On the Road to a Soaring Self-Image

Obviously, not everyone struggles with self-esteem issues. Some of us were raised by loving and understanding parents who modeled healthy attitudes:

My mother’s attitude that sexuality was natural and wonderful and an expression of love laid the groundwork for a healthy self-esteem. Also my sister’s passion and love of sexuality encouraged me to be open and natural.

Others have had their sexual development challenged by specific life experiences:

Memories of a rape damaged my self-image, and my partner and I had to work through my triggers. We have been together for almost fifteen years and we are doing well sexually.

Whether you’re recovering from sexual trauma, are coming out as queer to conservative parents, or have questions about gender identity, you are taking a huge step toward sexual self-assertion simply by seeking information. We’re not qualified to address all these issues in depth, but we refer you to our resource listings and bibliography, and we hope that, like this survey respondent, you will benefit from the honesty, acceptance, and encouragement you find within these pages:

As a survivor actively healing from childhood sexual abuse, I want to tell you what an important place your products, catalog, and philosophy hold in my life. It is incredibly validating to me as I continue my healing journey to realize that sexuality chosen and desired by consenting adults is not only okay but fun. Thanks for being a part of my healthy and whole sexuality in a powerful way.

Finally, we suspect that all of you have a fairly positive sexual self-image, or you wouldn’t be reading this book! We applaud your initiative and hope to provide you with the tools and motivation to pursue your sexual dreams.

PROFILES
in
PLEASURE
:

Annie Sprinkle

“I may not
have children,
but I’ve birthed
a lot of bliss.”

P
ublic Cervix Announcement. Bosom Ballet. Intervaginal Superhighway. You’ve got to admit, Annie Sprinkle has a knack for coming up with unforgettable and utterly enticing ways of teaching people about sex. Take a tour of her website, known as the Intervaginal Superhighway, and you’ll be invited to view her cervix, appreciate the breast choreography of the Bosom Ballet, and learn a thing or two about full-body orgasms.

If you’re looking for someone who projects a strong sexual self-image, Annie’s your woman. Throughout her life she’s used her art—primarily performance art and photography—to expand both her own and her audience’s experience of sex. Because Annie’s work is so accessible, she makes a great flesh-and-blood role model. She publicly celebrates her own body and sexuality in books such as
Post Porn Modernist
and videos such as
Sluts and Goddesses
. Her performance piece
Ellen/Annie,
which documents her transformation from shy, small-town girl to sexually empowered sex goddess, will resonate with every woman who’s ever dreamed of being sexually desirable.

As a former sex worker and porn star turned sex guru with a Ph.D. in human sexuality, Annie’s reinvented herself more times than Madonna. Yet each incarnation marks an important milestone on her quest for sexual enlightenment. Says Annie, “Sex has been my spiritual path. Sure, it’s been a hobby and business, but ultimately it’s a form of worship, a path to understanding the universe and life.”

Annie’s journey is unique in its impact. Over fifty thousand people have viewed Annie’s cervix as part of her performance art, and thousands more have seen it on the Web. Her contribution to women’s understanding of their genital anatomy, and subsequent sexual confidence, cannot be underestimated. “Lots of folks, both women and men, know very little about female anatomy and so are ashamed or afraid of the cervix. I do my best to lift that veil of ignorance.” Of her many performances, the show Annie found most satisfying was “The Sacred Prostitute and Masturbation Ritual.” Annie demonstrated full-body orgasms to thousands of people around the world, many of whom came along with her. “I may not have children, but I’ve birthed a lot of bliss,” she says of the experience.

Annie’s sexual activism ignited during the seventies, when she discovered a small, sex-positive feminist community. “It was so different then. Women didn’t know about their bodies, there was no sex education, and women weren’t supposed to like sex. Now women are asking for what they want, and demanding their orgasms. Back then people weren’t sure women really could have orgasms, and if they could, so what!”

She’s certainly done her share to change that; today she works on projects ranging from empowerment courses for sex workers to sexuality workshops on college campuses, from designing erotic tarot decks to creating videos on tantric breathing.

Visit Annie’s website at
www.gatesofheck.com/annie
.

CHAPTER 3

Sexual Anatomy 101

Although there’s a lot more involved in sexual pleasure than what’s “down there” between your legs, it’s also true that many men and women could be experiencing more sexual pleasure if they were better informed about their own and each other’s genitals:

I’m always shocked at how few of my partners—women or men—know anything about female anatomy. I’ve had girlfriends who thought their urethras were in their vaginas. People act like it’s all just blurred together “down there.”

I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve asked a woman to grab hold of my penis more firmly. They always act like it’s so delicate and they’re afraid they might hurt me if they take off the kid gloves.

So before we go any further, we’d like to offer you a brief tour of human genital anatomy. Why not get undressed, get comfortable, grab a hand mirror, and follow along on this guided tour of your own genital landscape?

On the surface, women’s and men’s genitals don’t seem to have a whole lot in common. But a closer look reveals that they are two very similar structures. Every part of the vulva has its corresponding counterpart in the penis—and vice versa.

Female Anatomy

The female external genitals are generally referred to as the
vulva.
Your vulva includes the outer lips, or
labia majora;
the inner lips, or
labia minora;
the tip of the clitoris; the urethral opening; and the vaginal opening. The two long fleshy folds of the outer lips are composed of fat and erectile tissue and covered with pubic hair. The smooth, hairless inner lips enclose the urethral and vaginal openings. The inner lips tend to be the most distinctive feature of the vulva, and they rarely come as a matched pair. Women’s labia vary greatly in size, shape, and coloration. Similarly, the clitoral tip, or glans, of the clitoris varies in size, shape, color, and the extent to which it protrudes from under the clitoral hood.

Unaroused vulva (left) and aroused vulva (right)

When I took Betty Dodson’s Bodysex workshop, my favorite part was the genital show-and-tell. We each took turns sitting in front of a hand mirror and displayed our vulvas to each other, while Betty extolled their virtues and variety. It was amazing to hear the sighs of awe as we each unveiled ourselves. One woman had a blue clitoris; another, black feathered lips contrasted against a rosy interior; another, rich layers of folds; and another had labia that folded right up like a heart-shaped Ziploc.

The Clitoris

You can easily locate your clitoris, the most sensitive spot in your pubic area, tucked under the folds of skin where the top of your labia meet. Pull back the hood of skin over the clitoris to reveal the clitoral glans. You may be surprised at how much it resembles a miniature penis—or how much a penis resembles a large clitoris.

If you press your fingers down on the skin above your glans, you should be able to locate something that feels like a short rod of cartilage directly beneath the skin and extending up to your pubic bone. This is the clitoral shaft. Beneath the skin the clitoral shaft separates into two legs (or crura), which extend in a wishbone fashion for about three inches on either side of the vaginal opening. The entire clitoris consists of erectile tissue made up of blood vessels, spongy tissue, and nerves, just like the erectile tissue of the penis. During sexual stimulation this tissue fills with blood, and the clitoral glans, shaft, and legs swell and become firmer. Since the clitoral legs extend beneath the labia, when you stimulate the urethra, vagina, or anus, you indirectly stimulate the clitoris as well.