The Secret of Life Wellness: The Essential Guide to Life's Big Questions (30 page)

to keep missing the perfect person for you, even if they are standing right in front of

you. This is because your vibration of feeling bad about yourself does not match their

vibration of feeling good about themselves. Unless you would like to attract someone

who feels incomplete in themselves and is full of insecurities and heavy baggage, you

need to work on yourself.

Since in reality no one can save you or make you happy long term, your major rela-

tionship ought to be with yourself. You need to come into alignment with your deeper

essence and begin appreciating who you really are before you can attract a meaningful

and satisfying relationship with another. If you feel whole and complete within yourself,

without the need for someone to save you from loneliness, discontent, or suffering, the

quality of people you will attract and the experiences you will have are likely to be

expansive, inspiring, and uplifting. This way, you are not making someone else respon-

sible for your well-being, thus your relationship with them can be one of freedom, fun,

and lightness, rather than dependency, control, and neediness. You are also more likely

to recognize when a relationship is healthy and empowering rather than one sided,

draining, and restricting.

If you are carrying pain from your childhood, then it is really important that you

work on your inner child and forgive your parents. Holding onto outdated beliefs and

behaviors that your parents demonstrated only keeps you stuck in the past and either

alone, or attracting the wrong people.

The happier you feel within yourself, the faster you will attract a great person to

you. I say great, rather than perfect, because no matter what partner you have, they will

challenge and inspire you at different moments.

Clara’s Story: Healing Unconscious Patterns

Clara, a nurse in her midthirties, came to see me because she wanted to find Mr.

Right. Clara was always moving in and out of unfulfilling relationships. During our

first meeting, she brought a long list of all the qualities she wanted in a man: faithful,

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reliable, devoted, and honest. This was interesting, because in her relationships with

men, Clara lied, often dated more than one man at a time, was unreliable, and often

hurtful. I told her that until she was willing to treat others the way she wanted to be

treated, she would not find a satisfying relationship.

Clara came from a broken home where her father abused her mother and sister,

so her deep seated belief was that all men were bastards and deserved to be punished.

I worked with Clara to heal her childhood trauma and change her beliefs about men.

Although it took some time, Clara reemerged feeling better about herself and willing

to give men a chance. Even though she felt more vulnerable Clara opened her heart

and met a sensitive man, who was able to show her that men can be loving, kind, loyal,

generous, and soft. In fact, he was able to completely match Clara’s new vulnerability

and openness.

Show Love for Yourself

Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, start paying attention to all the things you

love about yourself. While you are single, take the time to get to know yourself. Ask:

What is unique, amazing, and special about me? What makes me an appealing

person? How flexible am I in my life? Am I living my life to the fullest, moving

toward my dreams, and being creative, or am I stuck, waiting to be swept off my feet

by the ideal person?

Treat Yourself

I once read a story of a woman who decided that she was going to treat herself with

the same love and appreciation she wanted from a man. She would wake up, look in the

mirror, and compliment herself on how she looked. Whenever she did something posi-

tive in her business, she would congratulate herself. On the weekends she would take

herself out to the theatres, movies, ballet, concerts, and any other events she was inter-

ested in. Every day after work, she would have a relaxing bath, dress nicely, and make

herself a delicious dinner. She would set the table with flowers, her best china and eat

by candlelight.

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In the beginning, she admitted to feeling a bit silly making all this fuss, but then

she realized that she enjoyed it, and it was a lot of fun. Within weeks, she met a won-

derful man that she is now in a loving relationship with.

Develop Your Abilities

Even if you don’t feel that you have the qualities you desire in a partner, look for how

you may possess those traits in small quantities. For instance, if finding someone with a

sense of humor is important to you, but you don’t feel that you have a great sense of

humor, you may decide to develop it, by going to comedy shows, reading joke books,

and watching funny movies. In order to be more flexible, you may go to stand-up com-

edy shows that you would not usually go to.

Sarah’s Story: Releasing Past Hurt

Sarah had not been in a relationship with a man for eight years. She was

tall, beautiful, independent, and generous, so it seemed strange that she

could not find a partner. I asked Sarah if there were any men that she

found attractive, she said “Yes,” but they seemed frightened of her and

unresponsive.

Sarah had felt deeply hurt by her son’s father and carried this wound.

I encouraged Sarah to attend a healing workshop to release some of her old

hurts and discover what could block her from a loving relationship.

During a meditation where we were focusing on the heart center, Sarah

saw an image of a vicious spider. When she intuitively inquired what this

image meant, she discovered that this invisible spider was protecting her

heart and not allowing any man to get close. Although Sarah found this

image amusing, she understood the reason why men seemed frightened. In

her imagination Sarah thanked the spider and released it. She then focused

on letting go of any hurt, heaviness, and darkness from her heart and sur-

rounded her heart with pink and green light, which are powerful for healing

the heart. She also gave her heart permission to find the perfect man for her.

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Sarah realized that her heart was the best judge to find her the right

partner. Since her heart had been hurt, it knew how to direct Sarah to

a new and empowering experience. She just needed to start trusting its

wisdom.

The next day, Sarah felt a strong desire to be in nature. It was a nice day,

and she decided to go to one of her favorite parks in the city. She then

walked in a leisurely manner, enjoying the scent of the trees and flowers.

After a while, she felt drawn to sit on a bench next to an attractive gentle-

man. As it turned out, James had been watching Sarah from a distance.

They started to talk and realized they had a lot in common.

Within a month, Sarah and James seemed inseparable and were spend-

ing a lot of time together, sharing romantic weekends and going on

overseas trips. James was constantly trying to surprise Sarah and outdo

himself. One day he went to a pharmacy and bought everything he needed

to give Sarah a pedicure. Never mind that he had never done a pedicure. It

was extremely romantic. I was happy to hear that Sarah had opened her

heart to a loving relationship, full of creativity and spontaneity.

Open Yourself to Love

Often, we attract people into our lives when we feel happy with ourselves and open to

a new adventure. It is important to see people freshly without judging them or compar-

ing them to our past relationships.

If you’ve had one or more turbulent relationships in the past, you need to examine

if your beliefs and experiences about your former partners are stopping your from

meeting someone new. Although it is important to be clear about what you want, you

also need to be flexible, as there are no perfect people, just people who are perfect for

you. Every relationship has its blessings and challenges. Make sure that you are not

relying on a partner to make you happy; focus on becoming as happy as possible

within yourself.

If you feel lonely, go out, find an interesting hobby, and learn to have more fun.

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Be Open to Meet People

Often, I hear complaints from people about the difficulty of finding someone. The

opportunity is to be intuitive, creative, and open to new experiences. I have heard

stories of people feeling an intense desire to go to a particular place, like overseas, and

meeting a soul mate in the strangest place possible.

Several of my friends have found their partners through online dating websites or

through other dating services. If you are feeling a bit lost, there is nothing wrong with

asking for help. In fact, you might even want to learn some skills for dating and attract-

ing the one you want. Paul has actually co-written a book with Katia Loisel-Furey, who

is a good friend and an expert on the subject of flirting, dating, sex, and love:
How to

Get the Man You Want, How to Get the Woman You Want
, which has fantastic ideas on

how to attract that special someone.

Edward’s Story: A Little Help

Edward, in his early thirties, was ready to find a woman he could have a long

term relationship with. However, Edward was fairly shy and had not had

much experience in relationships. In fact, his family was beginning to worry.

Edward was not particularly enthusiastic about coming to a course to

learn some skills about attracting a partner; however, with some strategic

persuasion, he agreed. Although he seemed content to participate in all the

exercises on the first day of the workshop, he was quite reluctant to return

for the second day. He made an excuse that he had to play soccer. Although

it is important to keep your sporting commitments, the truth was that he

could play soccer any week. This was an opportunity to change his life.

We knew that there could be some resistance, as when people feel

uncomfortable, they often try to find ways to sabotage new opportunities.

After a little more persuasion, Edward agreed to come to the second day of

the workshop.

What Edward failed to mention was that he liked and was attracted to

Megan, a young woman in the seminar, whom he felt was absolutely gor-

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geous. However, that first day Edward made up his mind that Megan would

never like him. So in his reality there was no point returning. On the second

day of the workshop, I discovered Edward’s feeling for Megan and encour-

aged him to make a move. He did.

As it turned out, Megan liked Edward too! And now they are happily

married with a daughter.

Some Interesting Facts

During the process of helping Paul and Katia research their book on getting the one

you want. We conducted a study of 504 single men and 498 single women from a

variety of backgrounds and social standing, ranging in age twenty-two to fifty-three.

Their answers were fascinating. I would like to share a few of the findings with you.

71 percent of men said that romance was more important than sex

96 percent of women said that love is more important than money

100 percent of men said that it was more important that a woman shows him affec-

tion than buys him gifts

70 percent of women said they thought a man wasn’t interested only to find out

that he was flirting

65 percent of men said that they’d avoided eye contact or ignored someone they

were attracted to

93 percent of women said if a man was interested, he should approach her

95 percent of men said that women should ask men out

Let Go of Limiting Beliefs about Love

I’d like to encourage you to let go of the idea that only one person, one partner, can take

care of all your needs and desires and make you happy, feel loved, and fully fulfilled.

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I want to explore this myth because you might be someone who may never find

that one person who satisfies you on all levels. Some who are reading this will not have

a long-term romantic relationship in this life, and some are already in a relationship