The Weakness in Me (17 page)

“Of course, you can,” his voice sounded even more concerned, if that were possible, “but that was yesterday.”
He sighed, “Just tell me, Sammy. What happened?”

“Fine,” she gave up trying to sound okay when she was anything but, “I’ll give you the gist and fill you in when I get there… Garrett was aggressive today about getting me back and I had to kick him out of my office—”

“FUCK!” Jason screamed through the phone. “I knew you shouldn’t have trusted that guy--”

“That’s not all…”

“Do I even want to know?”

“Missy told him that I needed to be saved from you,” she almost whispered, as she felt her lip start to quiver again.
She took several deep breaths as she continued toward home, waiting for Jason to respond to her news.

“Wow, I have no words for that,” Jason finally said, a sharpness was present in his words that she’d never heard before.

“I’ve got it under control now, though. Can we just have a nice lunch and talk about it in a few days? I think I need to sit with it for a bit.”

“Absolutely.
I have to calm down, too! Otherwise, I might just rip every single blonde hair out of her head, and I’m not a violent person, especially when it comes to women,” Jason said, with obvious suppressed anger.

“Good, so when I get home, we will just enjoy the nice afternoon,” she prompted.

“Agreed. I will see you soon.”

As she drove, Samantha’s mind began to wander
to her auto pilot response to go home to Jason and Corigan. She hadn’t even thought about staying at work like she normally would, nor did she think about having lunch with just her daughter. She still didn’t want to admit to herself that after eight months, she was feeling lonely. Nor did she want to think about the less than friendly dreams she was still having about him, each more explicit than the last. It was everything she could do to not blush in his presence sometimes. Going back to Jason wasn’t an option, though, and she needed to keep reminding herself of that until it stuck.

**

Sammy giggled from her green and white checked blanket in a patch of sun as Corigan toddled along the yard after a butterfly. After only an hour in the garden, she already looked more at ease with everything that happened at her office that morning. Jason was glad she’d decided to come home to spend the afternoon with
them
and not just to relieve him from his babysitting post.

“Mommy!
What that?” The girl’s hazel eyes were large in discovery.

“It’s a butterfly, baby.
Do you like it?” Sammy asked, shifting on the blanket to get closer to her daughter. He didn’t miss the wince on her face at the movement, and he wondered if she’d injured her hip trying to pry that son of a bitch off her lips. He took a cleansing breath and shifted his thoughts back to the scene in front of him.

“YES!
I get it!” Corigan said, trying to run, but falling backward into the grass. Sammy’s face broke into a full grin, laughing with abandon at her daughter. She was so beautiful when she seemed carefree, even when she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. Who was he kidding? She was always beautiful.

Catching Jason staring, Sammy ducked her head.
“I shouldn’t laugh at her lack of coordination, I know.” Her cheeks were pink in embarrassment.

“Oh, you’re fine,” Jason chuckled.
“I was trying to remember the last time you looked so at ease. I’m glad you seem to be feeling better after today.”

“
With a day like this? How can I stay upset? Spring is upon us, Jason!” Sammy lifted her hands toward the sky. “You know how much-.” She stopped midsentence, but he knew. She loved the spring and the meaning of it all, the rebirth of the Earth. She loved the way everything seemed to wake up as if it hadn’t been ravaged by winter. How, sometimes, everything comes back more vibrant than before. He knew her feelings had changed about rain being able to wash away the past, but he could see that she was still holding on to the feeling that spring could bring about renewal. He didn’t want to hope too hard that she’d be able to find it within herself.

“I know,” he smiled at her, hoping he wasn’t giving away his thoughts.
“Corigan seems to agree,” Jason indicated the curly-haired toddler still trying to catch the butterflies.

“I’m so glad you talked me into following through with my plan to put the garden in back here
,” she said, her tone both serious and jovial. “Caleb would have loved it. And I know it made today a much better day,” she smiled, weakly, at him.

“It turned out beautifully!
As the summer gets closer, we can plant some purple roses beside the downstairs patio, if you want to?” he offered, knowing that purple was her favorite color.

“That sounds fantastic,” she grinned.
“We have to find a way to keep Corigan out of them so she won’t get hurt though.”

“Of course,” he said, stretching out beside her on the blanket.
“How are you doing?” he asked, rubbing her back, absently. He swore he heard a small sigh escape her lips before she answered him.

“Better.
Thank you for today.”

“I don’t mean just today, Sammy.
How are you in general? We haven’t really talked about it in awhile,” he asked again, thinking about how the last time they’d discussed how she was, she’d been drunk on her wedding anniversary.

“You’re here all the time, you don’t know?” she laughed
, but he could tell there was something she was holding back.

“I know what you show me, Sammy.
But I don’t know the truth. What’s the truth?” he joined her in looking out at Corigan.

“I’m…well.
I mean, physically, I’m fine,” she started, narrowing her eyes at a random spot off in the distance.

“And mentally?”

“Um, I’m still kind of struggling. Today was a glaring example of that,” she admitted.

“Why?” he asked, picking
at a blade of grass beside the blanket.

“Feeling guilty, I guess,” she leaned back on the blanket to lay her head down, and turned to her side to face him.

“Survivor’s guilt is normal, Sammy—”

“It’s not survivor’s guilt, Jason,” she sighed.
“I’m, um, well, I’m missing feeling like a woman—well, being touched like a woman. I miss the intimacy,” she whispered, as if she were ashamed to have these perfectly normal feelings.

“Oh,” he turned to meet her gaze, recognizing the longing in her eyes was startling and not expected in the least.

“I mean, I’m a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend… but I miss feeling his weight on me, pressing into me,” she bit her lip as she remembered her past with Caleb. Jason suppressed a possessive growl at her words. “The feeling of someone else’s hands, tongue, mouth all over my body.”

He couldn’t contain the small whimper that escaped his lips as the images of their past started to fly through his head.
“If you need any help with that, let me know,” he joked, letting out an uncomfortable chuckle, hoping he hadn’t called attention to how affected he was by her words.

“Well,” she looked down, then toward Corigan, guiltily, as if she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“Sammy?” he swallowed, his eyes bulging at her confession that she might have considered being with him again.

“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it,” she confessed, still refusing to look at him.
“But, I’ve been having naughty dreams about the mailman, too…and that’s never going to happen either.”

“OH!” Jason said in surprise,
latching on to her words, “you’ve been having naughty dreams about me? You didn’t say that. What was I doing? What was I wearing…more importantly, what were
you
wearing?” Jason started to fire questions at Sammy, his hands fisted under his chin in rapt attention. “Is that why you won’t look at me?” he asked, watching her cheeks turn pink. “You’re blushing!”

“Shhh!” she laid back on the blanket, burying her face with her hands.
“I don’t want to talk about it…it just slipped out…forget I said anything.”

“Sammy,” he laughed, moving her hands from her face and leaning over her.
“You don’t need to be embarrassed by this. Of course you are having these types of dreams about me. We’ve spent nearly every day together for the last nearly six months, plus you don’t have to work that hard to imagine me naked.”

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Let’s talk about
ANYTHING
else, PLEASE!” she groaned, pushing him away and sitting up on the blanket. “Your birthday is in a few weeks, what are your plans?”

“Hmmmm, I don’t know, maybe a trip down to Seattle, take the ferry over to Vashon?” he suggested, recounting the trip they’d taken for his twentieth birthday.
“That was a great time last time.” Jason looked at her, still staring off toward Corigan, wondering if she was remembering the trip also.

“Yeah, not bad,” she said, a small warble in her voice indicating that she was uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation again.

“Or Toby’ll just try to get me to go to the strip club again,” he shrugged. “But I’d much rather end the day the way I did on Vashon,” he whispered, knowing that she was remembering his proposal and how they’d ended up engaged at the end of that trip.

“Corigan!” she called to her daughter, obviously avoiding the rest of the conversation.
“It's nap time, baby. Let’s go inside.” Jason hid a smile as he watched Sammy shoot off the blanket like a shotgun to avoid the rest of her memories. He knew that she was curious about what it would be like this time, if she let herself go there with him again. Telling himself to back off slightly, but not completely, he stood and gathered the blanket to head back to the house at a leisurely pace behind them. Jason hoped that by this time next year, they’d be more than just friends again.

“Do you think that Jason would ever cheat on you, Sammy?” Missy asked, grabbing the pink nail polish from Samantha and settling on the sofa to paint her toenails.

“Of course not, Miss!
He was there to see what my dad did to our family. He’d never betray me like that,” Samantha shook her head adamantly.

“But you guys have been together for, what, four years now and you still don’t have a ring on your finger?” the blonde snorted.

“Missy, seriously? We’re nineteen! We’re still in college!” she laughed at the notion. “We just decided to get a place downtown next semester. Baby steps, remember?”

“Whatever,” she rolled her eyes.
“I’m surprised he agreed to move in with you, after all, isn’t easier to take a girl back to his dorm room across campus from you than to worry about getting caught in the bedroom you share like your dad did?”

“Missy!
He’s not fucking cheating on me,” Samantha seethed. “He asked me to move in with him, it wasn’t even remotely my idea.”

“We’ll see, Sammy.
He’s a guy, isn’t he?” Missy’s voice sounded far bitter than her nineteen years should allow her to be.

“Yes, he’s a guy, Miss, but he’s not an asshole.
He’s my Jason, and my Jason would never do that to me,” she said, allowing her voice to sound extra dreamy as she envisioned her future with Jason. Would they move back to Covington after school ended or would they find another suburb to raise their family? Would they get a dog or a cat? Shaking her head, she couldn’t believe how girly she sounded. Samantha had never allowed herself to hope for a white picket fence. Yet every year with Jason was better than the last, and she was forced to admit that perhaps her hopes hadn’t differed from most girls’ after all.

“Sure, Sammy,” Missy snorted.
“I’m sure you two are going to get your happily ever after knowing that he’s only ever been with you,” she continued, Samantha could almost see the sarcasm dripping from her mouth. “Don’t forget, Jason has a dick. One day, he’s going to think with it before he considers his future with you. I guarantee it.”

**

Laying her head against the soft white pillow, Missy felt replete. Letting out a low sigh, she stared up at the cracked, yellowing ceiling of her apartment. She missed the sky blue ceiling in the bedroom of the house she’d shared with Chester. Although the things that Garrett did to her body were immensely physically satisfying, she knew she felt nothing for him even close to the feelings Chester forced from the depths of her soul. Yet, she’d ripped her marriage apart for him.

“That was amazing, Missy,” Garrett said, trying to catch his breath as he settled into the bed beside her.
She suppressed a sound of disappointment when he didn’t move to pull her against his body. They never wanted to cuddle with her. She knew she was just a placeholder until they found the girl they wanted to share their body heat with after sex. The thought left her cold.

C
hester had always gathered her in his arms and let out a contented sigh as she settled against him whenever he came to bed, regardless of whether it led anywhere sexual. They’d really been in love, but she’d fucked it up, just like everything else she tried to do that was good. She wasn’t built for the kind of happiness; she only knew how to destroy it.