The Weakness in Me (20 page)

“I still want to know how he got you to forgive him,” she said, trying to shift focus to the past, rather than the present or God forbid…the future.

“That’s his story to tell, not mine,” Sara shifted in her chair, uncomfortably. “Let’s just say, I’ve learned to stay out of your business now.”

“HA!” Samantha laughed
, sarcastically, standing up from her chair. “What do you call this then?”

“
Trying to show you that it’s okay that you survived that accident. That you deserve to have a beating heart that thumps a little faster when someone you love enters a room. That you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, even if that someone
isn’t
Caleb. And realizing when two people have unfinished business caused by a loud mouthed little sister?” Sara offered with her best contrite look fixed on her face.

Instead of answering, Samantha let out a long, exasperated sigh and walked down the steps to her back yard, effectively shutting down Sara’s line of questioning.
She wasn’t ready to be having these discussions with anyone, let alone her sister.
‘Things are just fine the way they are. That kiss meant absolutely nothing,’
she told herself, willing it to be the truth as her gaze swept back to the deck when she heard her sister’s chair slide from her position at the table.

“You say this is about not moving backwards, but right now, you’re only standing still.
You can be in denial all you want, but at least be in denial of the truth!” Sara shouted before turning on her heel to go back into the house, slamming the door in her wake.

‘Real mature,’
Samantha winced at her sister’s display before turning her attention back to a small patch of land Jason had turned into a garden. She hadn’t been sure the spot would get enough sun to grow properly, but it had flourished. With the summer approaching quickly, she knew they’d be hard at work, planting for fall again soon. Her favorite new addition to her yard was the rose bushes he’d planted near the first floor patio. They were purple, just like they’d discussed, and she couldn’t imagine why they hadn’t always been there.

Walking back toward the patio entrance to the downstairs family room, she saw Jason’s hunched figure on the couch.
Pausing to take him in, she saw he was smiling and talking. She wondered if he was on the phone when suddenly, he leaned back and revealed Corigan sitting beside him, cuddled under one arm, enraptured in the story he must be reading. Edging forward, she saw the book sitting on his lap. Samantha smiled at the scene, not believing how much of an interest he was taking in her daughter. Corigan loved spending time with him, too. Samantha could only be grateful she wouldn’t have to miss having a male influence in her life, as least not yet. She wondered what he expected to get out of it all. She had an idea from his birthday, but when she looked down at her wedding ring on her left hand, she knew she wasn’t ready to take it off yet. Not even for Jason.

Looking up from the book, Jason’s eyes met hers and held.
The sincerity in his expression began to melt away her resolve slightly. Smiling broadly, he waved her in.

“Mommy!” Corigan screamed as she walked in the patio door.
Her dark brown curls bounced as she raced to embrace Samantha. “Unkey Jason was readin’ a story,” she offered, brightly.

“Oh yeah?” Samantha asked, softly.

“Uh huh!” she nodded her head enthusiastically. “It almost nigh-night time. I not tired,” she pouted.

“Somehow, I doubt that,” Samantha laughed, lifting Corigan up to inspect her pajama selection.
“Purple duckies? Didn’t you wear these last night?”

Corigan giggled.
“No, mommy! Pink duckies!”

“OH!
Pink duckies! How could I have been so silly?”

Corigan shrugged.
“Read wit us?” Corigan’s hazel eyes filled with hope and Jason shot her his most sheepish smile.

“Sure,” Samantha grinned and sat next to Jason on the couch before situating Corigan on her lap.

“Only one more though, Corigan,” Jason warned, “Then it’s bedtime.”

“Still heading out to see your friends tonight?” Samantha asked, moving the book between them.

“Yeah,” he nodded, giving her a thoughtful look before returning to the story.

“Good, I’m glad to see you getting out of my house every once in awhile,” she gave him a forced grin.
“It’s not my right to hog you all the time,” she said, but knowing that the conviction behind her words wasn’t quite there.

**

Walking into the dark tavern, Jason passed the pool tables on his way toward the bar. Spotting Toby in their usual booth in the back, he lifted his hand to order a beer from the bartender before walking to greet his friend. Even though he’d tried to get her out of his head all the way to the bar, Jason couldn’t stop thinking about how stilted Samantha words were tonight and how she was still wearing her wedding ring like a piece of armor after the soul shaking kiss they’d shared. He knew she was trying to protect herself from their past, and he didn’t know what to do to get around it.

“Thanks for making me come out tonight, man,” he said, accepting the beer from the waitress.

“You’ve been playing substitute daddy for, what? Eight months now?” Toby asked. “You need some unwind time, man.”

“I’ve been meaning to, but we’re coming up on the anniversary of the accident, and then Corigan’s second birthday right after that.
I don’t want to leave Sammy alone too much…I made a promise to her when she was drunk on her anniversary.”

“Are you in love with her?” Toby
asked suddenly, cocking an eyebrow at Jason, before tilting his beer back for a drink.

“That’s not a simple question to answer, Toby,” Jason growled in frustration.
“Sometimes, when I fall asleep, I can still see her in that car, unconscious,” Jason picked at the label of his beer bottle. “I see her hand in his and I don’t wake up screaming or sweating because she almost died,” he finished before taking a long drink from the beer.

“No?” Toby cocked his eyebrow again.

“No, I wake up angry!” Jason looked up at his friend. “Angry at myself, angry at her, angry at Sara, and really angry at Caleb,” the last word came out more as a whisper.

“Her husband?
Why?”

“I’m not sure if I’m mad at him for dying…well, sacrificing himself so she’d have a better chance of survival,
therefore leaving behind an impossible standard to live up to… or the fact that he got to know what it was like to be with her at all,” Jason explained. “I’ve never been a jealous guy, but when I think back to that accident-,” he closed his eyes before continuing. “I think I wanted to rip off the hand that held hers, even though I knew he was gone. It’s probably the most horrible thought I’ve ever had in my life!” Jason downed the rest of his beer and signaled for a fresh one.

“I’m sure that’s not true-”

“No, Toby, I wanted to kill him for letting her move on from me. It didn’t matter that he was already dead. How messed up is that?!” Jason grabbed the amber-colored bottle the waitress sat in front of him and nodded a quick thanks.

“Jason,” Toby started, calmly.
“I only meant that I’m sure you’ve had more horrible thoughts than something born of a jealous haze,” he said, starting to chuckle. “We still have to see Carla’s ex from time to time because that bastard actually married her sister! I have killed him millions of incredibly disturbing ways in my head.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t staring at his lifeless body at the time.”

“Fuck! We need to stop talking about such morbid shit, Jas!”

“Dude!
We’re paramedics; we see morbid shit all the time!” Jason laughed.

“I know, but we’re off duty!
I didn’t invite you out to ‘talk shop’ so to speak,” Toby tilted his beer back to take a long drink.

“So, the answer is yes, I’m in love with her.
The real question was: do I love the idea I have of Sammy in my head, who she was, or am I in love with Samantha, the woman she’s become?” Jason asked, leaning back against the vinyl booth and casting his eyes to the acoustic tiles on the ceiling to collect his thoughts. He was beginning to wonder why someone would put white tiles on the ceiling of a bar when Toby asked the million dollar question.

“
Something tells me you already know the answer to that question.”

“I knew before I even finished asking, Toby.
I’ve suspected it for the last eight months, but I’ve known for sure for the last two,” Jason laughed. “I’m in big fucking trouble with this, aren’t I?”

Toby laughed, and slid another beer in front of Jason.
“It’s going to be a long night, buddy, but we’ll figure it out.”

Toward the bottom of his third bottle of beer, a familiar face stopped in front of their booth.

“Is this seat taken?” Missy asked, leaning over the table to put her cleavage directly in Jason’s line of sight.

“Um,” Toby started, looking at Jason for guidance.

“Yes, Missy, it’s taken,” Jason answered, gruffly.

“You’re right!” Missy said, brightly, before sliding into the booth beside him, so close that he could tell she wasn’t wearing a bra under the thin black tank top.
“By me.”

“No, not by you, Missy,” he tried to separate himself from her, but she matched every move he made until he was crushed against the wall.

Missy wasn’t an unattractive woman in the least; he had just never been interested.
After he and Sammy had split, he went on a little bit of a bender with women, trying to get her out of his system, but he never touched Missy. He knew she’d be more than willing, but he wanted to be able to look Sammy in the eye when she finally asked him the truth and tell her that he’d never slept with Missy. Most men swooned over her and found her irresistible, though, including Toby. “Toby, eyes up, want me to tell Carla about this?” Jason narrowed his eyes at his best friend.

“It’s not illegal to look,” Toby shrugged.

“You need to take a lesson from your friend, Jas,” Missy drawled, sliding a red nail down his arm, causing him to shiver in disgust. “Besides, I don’t see Sammy here tonight. There’s no need to pretend that you don’t want to go home with me tonight.”

“No pretending necessary,” Jason answered with a sneer.

“Are you finally fucking her? Is that why you are acting like a whipped puppy again?” Missy asked, downing the double shot of vodka she’d brought to the table.

“That’s none of your business,” he said at the same time Toby answered with, “No, he’s not in her panties yet.
I can’t imagine how he’ll act if he gets to go there again.”

“Damn it, Toby!
Have some decorum, man!” Jason roared before finishing off the rest of his beer.

“That’s good news!” Missy declared.
“I think we need to have some body shots!” she announced before getting up in search of tequila from the bar.

“I’m out of here while I can, dude.
Can you get my tab and I’ll get you next time?” Jason said in a rush as he bolted from the booth.

“Sure, man, but the chick is hot,” Toby said.
“Maybe you just need to let go of this Sammy thing?”

“Never, Toby, never,” he answered as he walked from the bar and into a cab waiting across the street.

After getting a cab back to get his truck the next morning, he decided he wanted to surprise Sammy with breakfast. He knew she wasn’t a morning person, especially on a Sunday, and would make Corigan something easy and drink coffee until lunch. Today was her birthday, though, and she deserved a delicious breakfast. However, when he arrived at their favorite breakfast spot, he saw her car already in the parking lot.

‘Wow!’
he thought, ‘
we’re more in sync than I thought.’
Pushing his way through the door, he spotted her immediately at a table in the middle of the diner filled with balloons.

“Unkey Jason!” he heard Corigan shout across the
crowded restaurant and watched as every head at the table turned in his direction. Kelly stood from her seat and walked toward him.

“You made it!
I didn’t think you’d gotten my message!” she said, giving him a bear hug as if she hadn’t just seen him last week.

“I didn’t,” he admitted, pulling his phone from his pocket and seeing a missed call and text message from Kelly.
“I had my phone on silent last night, but I was going to pick up some breakfast for Sammy this morning. I guess I’m not the only one who had the same idea,” he chuckled.

“Wow, that’s nuts!” she smiled, leading him to an empty seat at the table filled with Sammy’s family and his sister, McKenna.

“I tried to stop by this morning to pick you up, but your truck wasn’t in the parking lot at your house. I figured you’d already be here,” McKenna stood to give him a half hug before plopping in her seat again. Jason didn’t miss the dark glasses she wore and the way her blonde hair was slightly disheveled.

“Rough night, Ken?” he asked.