The Weakness in Me (24 page)

“
I’m so sorry my drinking got so out of hand back then and I let it ruin us. I know you think it was to hide my guilt over what you think was going on with Missy,” he paused, looking into her eyes again. “But that doesn’t excuse your using this as a shield to protect you from something neither one of us have any control over.”

“Jason,” Samantha said, breathless at the force behind his words.
“I, I don’t know what to say. I mean you were my first…everything… and I will always love you in SOME way… I don’t know if I can just let go of everything Caleb was to me.  It’s not fair to you,” she finished, knowing she’d always love Caleb, but would never see him again.

Her heart still ached with the loss, even though a future with Jason was starting to crystallize in her mind and heart again.
She felt powerless to stop herself from remembering everything they were once destined to be together, everything she’d felt for him, everything she was feeling again. It felt so different this time, deeper, more mature, more real. It wasn’t selfish, fairy tale, young love this time, she knew it, and she knew her eyes revealed it all to Jason.

He knew she was in love with him again.
How could she not be? He’d been everything to her and Corigan in the last year, so giving, so loving, always there when she needed him, even when she didn’t know she needed him. She didn’t even stand a chance at resisting this moment with him. He was right on the boat, Caleb deserved better than to be used as an excuse not to move on. Even Caleb had told her that she’d know when it was time. She’d been ready longer than she wanted to admit, but she felt guilty for even thinking about moving from her commitment to her husband. If only she’d known that ‘til death parts us’ would come so soon, she might’ve…

Might’ve what?
She knew she’d lived every day with Caleb to its fullest. Because of her life with Jason and thinking she’d taken their relationship for granted, she never wasted an opportunity to show her husband exactly how much she loved him. She never took their time together for granted, but she wondered if she’d be able to do the same with Jason this time. Or would they get complacent again and drive him back into the arms of another woman. At this realization, the first tear sliced a path down Samantha’s face.

“Oh, Sammy,” Jason whispered
, sliding a hand against her cheek to wipe away her tears. “I don’t expect you to forget Caleb, honey. You have to keep his memory alive for Corigan. She deserves to see the love you shared. But I can’t compete with a ghost. We have to forge a different path together. The plans we made six years ago are no longer relevant. We can’t move backwards,” he said, voicing her biggest fear.

“How can you be sure that we aren’t just settling for what we know is comfortable?” Samantha asked, tears
falling freely from her eyes as she finally really looked into his.

“Sammy,” he sighed, putting his hand on the back of her neck, holding her head against his like he was forcing her to hold his gaze
this time. “How can you even think that would be a possibility?” he asked, moving his lips to meet hers in the most self-assured, but hesitant kiss she’d ever experienced. It was like he was expecting her to push him away at any moment, but she knew she wasn’t going to- not this time. She opened her lips to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss. The salty taste of her tears filled her mouth as their tongues began to dance together. Her carefully constructed control over the situation and her desires began to snap at the need for more. More intimacy, more closeness, more breath, more Jason, more everything. Shifting, she pulled him closer to her, prompting him to break their connection.

“The ring, Sammy,” were the only words he said as he gave her a sad look.

“I know,” she said, taking a deep breath and moving to slide the ring from her finger. When his hand moved to stop her, she looked up at him questioningly.

“You need to do this on your own, have your own moment to say good bye, not so we can reunite
in a moment of weakness, Sammy,” he said, brushing her hair away from her face.

“It’s been over a year, Jason.
I’m ready to be with you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even consider this,” Samantha said, the words coming out more desperate than they sounded in her head.

“No, not like this,” he stood up and walked across the deck.

“What do you mean?! I thought this is what you wanted,” she said, confused that he’d shifted directions so quickly.

“Oh, Sammy!
It is! I want to be
with
you, though,” he proclaimed, “and you deserve more than a quick bang on the couch while Corigan is napping. I want to do this right with you.”

“You, obviously, have no idea how sex works when you have kids,” Samantha giggled, nervously, staring at her wedding ring and trying to decide if this is really what she wanted, or if she just missed being intimate with a man.

“It’s been over six years for us. It needs to be special again, like our first time part two. We aren’t the same people we were then, but I know that you
don’t
want it to be like this,” Jason explained, pleading with her to understand that it wouldn’t be right for him to let her take her wedding ring off just because she wanted sex. She’d regret it and she’d blame him for letting it happen. Samantha saw hurt flicker through his eyes as she began to understand his reasoning.

“OH!” Samantha looked up at him, horrified.
“I’m so sorry! It’s just, it’s been so long. Thank you, Jason, for knowing I don’t want us to start again this way. Of course, you’re right,” she said, her cheeks flushed at her wanton behavior.

“Hey,” he said, lifting her chin to look up at him again, “don’t thank me for knowing what you need.
Especially this, because it’s taking all of my self control to walk away from this right now.” His eyes were serious and conveyed how deep his love for her went.

“So, now what?” Samantha asked, “Do we start over?
Try to pick up from where we left off?”

“Neither
, we just be Jason and Sammy and see where it all leads,” he shrugged.

“Sounds good,” she smiled as he pulled her from against the door and into a tight embrace.

“So, want to go for dinner and a movie tomorrow? That new rom com you were talking about is opening,” Jason smiled down at her in his arms.

“Are you sure
I
was talking about it?” she shot him a warning glance, before a fit of giggles overtook her at the challenging look he threw back at her. “Okay, I’ll see if my mom can keep Corigan.”

“That sounds like a plan,” Jason said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“I’m going to give you and Corigan a night to yourselves, Sammy. You need the time to figure out if this is what you really want. You deserve to have a clear head when you say good bye. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“
Okay, Jason. Thank you,” she whispered as he pulled away and walked through the back door into the kitchen.

“Till tomorrow,” he said, turning back to her as she followed through the doorway.
“Don’t doubt that I love you, Sammy. I want to be the only man on your mind when we are together again,” he whispered.

“I know,” she whispered back, not ready to say the words out loud again.

Samantha awoke the next morning feeling polarized about everything that had happened the day before. Her heart fluttered at the thought of her date, but her stomach churned at the possibility of moving on. The mixed emotions had motivated her to call Jessica to join her at the gym before starting her day. Jessica always seemed to have a fresh perspective on Jason because she’d still been in high school when they split, whereas Sara had been there every step of the way. So far her sister had only served to distract her from everything she needed to do to get ready for her ‘first’ date with Jason, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

“Can your hip handle the stationary bike?” Jessica asked, indicating their next stop in the rotation
, and breaking her from her train of thought.

“I think so,” Samantha said.
“I want to try anyway, but I’ll deny it if I can’t walk tomorrow.”

“Good to know!
So, I’ll avoid all calls from mom tomorrow,” Jessica laughed, climbing onto the bike beside Samantha.

“Probably a good idea,” Samantha winked
, starting her workout and looking up at the row of televisions above them.

“I thought the little sister was supposed t
o get her big sister in trouble,” her sister teased, straightening her ponytail before starting to pedal.

“You’ve done that plenty.
I think I’ve earned a little payback.”

“Fine, if you’re going to blame me for overdoing it, I should get some information out of it!”
Jessica gave her a smile that let Samantha know that they were finally going to talk about Jason.

“What information is that?” Samantha asked, taking a sip from her water bottle
and playing dumb.

“What’s going on with Jason?” Jessica asked, her eyes glittering with
the prospect of learning new gossip.

“I’d like to know the answer to that one, too!” a
n interested voice came from the bike on the other side of Samantha.

“Hey Ken!” Jessica welcomed
the fair-haired beauty to the conversation.

“Jason is my friend, that’s all,” Samantha shot them both a withering look
, not wanting to disclose their plans for the evening just yet. However, with Kelly agreeing to play babysitter for the evening, the word would get out about the date sooner or later.

“Yeah, and that’s why you were sucking face before Corigan’s birthday party
yesterday,” Jessica scoffed.

“You and Jason made out?
He didn’t share this information with me,” McKenna stopped mid-pedal and gaped at Samantha. “Although, that may have more to do with mom being at his house when I stopped by this morning,” she shot the sisters a pained look they’d all come to know as a direct result of spending extended time with Jamie.

“Poor Jason,” Samantha mumbled
, before shaking off the thoughts of his mother’s visit. “And we did
not
make out. He kissed me and I pushed him away!” Samantha rolled her eyes. ‘
After acting like a shameless hussy,’
her head reminded her, causing a small frown to settle on her lips.

“I’m new to this conversation,” McKenna defended.
“You didn’t kiss him back
at all?!
”

“For like a second—”

“Jason told Sara it was actually several minutes,” Jessica shared.

“He said WHAT?!”
she asked, taken off guard that he’d shared his side of the story with her sister.

“
With that kind of reaction, it has to be true!” McKenna laughed for a minute before looking shocked as another thought took over. “I feel left out! Miranda and I were there, too! I can’t believe he didn’t share this with
his
baby sisters,” she pouted.

“I wouldn’t be offended by that, Ken.
Apparently, he’s sharing all kinds of stories with Sara he’s not sharing with the rest of us,” Samantha said, sarcastically. “When did he tell Sara what happened, anyway?”

“When you and mom were outside having
your pow wow,” Jessica dismissed, leaving Samantha to feel that her sister was annoyed by her avoidance tactics.

“Ah, Miranda and I were talking about mom’s behavior lately
while you were outside, and Jason tends to steer clear of talking about her,” McKenna said in comprehension, her lip curled into a slight sneer at the reflection. Just as quickly as it settled on her lips, it disappeared and she was back on the kiss, “So? You didn’t confirm whether you enjoyed it or not. I mean you didn’t stop the kiss right away! That says something,” she nodded in agreement with herself.

“Well,” Samantha said, staring ahead
, not having the courage to look either girl in the eye, “I didn’t hate it,” she blushed. “Not to mention the fact that it’s been over a year since, I’ve had sex, so…”

“Is that
all
it was?” Jessica asked, her eyebrow rose in question.

“
Well,” she hedged, elongating the word, trying to find a diplomatic way to tell them the truth without revealing too much. “You’re right. That wasn’t all it was, okay?” she admitted. “We’re-,” she paused and took a deep breath before her next words. “We are going on a date tonight,” she continued, holding up her hand to stop the grade school responses about sitting in trees the girls started to dust off for this occasion. “I’m just afraid that it’ll be five years ago all over again, and I’ll lose my friend for good. I’ve really enjoyed our time the last year, and I don’t want to mess that up,” Samantha started to talk faster as she got further into her rant, “Besides, I don’t know if I can handle it if it didn’t work out and I couldn’t talk to him anymore! And I want to move forward! I’m not sure a time machine to the past is what I need right now! Do you?”

“Why do you keep talking about going on a reunion tour?” McKenna asked
, seemingly perplexed by Samantha’s thoughts.